Road to freedom

cookiemonster

Active Member
Today was alright. A shocking day in terms of productivity, absolutely shite. But I feel okay.

Now I get to clock out and be happy that I can say a big fuck you to porn because I beat it today.

Fuck porn.

Time to go to bed and not play with the dick tonight or when waking up.

Very high risk period right now!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
That's right Cookie! Fuck porn! Porn promises endless pleasure but it has no substance, it doesn't actually provide shit. This is a journey and it will have ups and downs, like life, which also has ups and downs and I guess accepting this is something many people don't always do. Not every day is great but the point is to build "calluses" to the mind so we can overcome those bad times. The idea is not to attempt not to have bad times, this is impossible, the idea is to learn how to navigate our life past them without needed those fuckin shit addicts "for a break".

Good job, man!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 42 clean. 6 weeks.

I don't have much time this morning. I got to the gym and did a session which is good.

The goal for today is a porn-free, p-sub free day. No indulging in sexual thoughts or sexual triggers and no playing with my dick.

The reboot is going well, let's keep it that way.

The thinking has been done for today. I am committed to following through on this goal.

See you tomorrow or tonight so that you can keep me accountable.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 43 clean.

Gym session done this morning and I've set some clear goals for the day. I feel really tired though so I'm going to go and lie down and shut my eyes for 15 minutes before launching into things.

This might not be the longest I've gone without PMO ever but it's certainly the longest I've gone without MO. It has been 6 weeks of pure hard mode.

We're in a good place now where things aren't so hard. Having said that, I'm continually amazed by how easy it would be to relapse, there's still and addict in me.

I feel like life isn't very fun or meaningful at the moment even if things are going reasonably well. I want to remain peaceful regardless.

It's exactly on a day like this when I need to stick to the magic recipe. I am going to do my intellectualisation and thinking through of things right here, right now, and then I can just execute the plan for the rest of the day. I'm right in the middle of my reboot and it's easy to get discouraged or lose track of what I'm aiming for. The urges to look at porn aren't the same anymore, they're not acute, it's more like I feel apathetic and that could tempt me into not caring and not fighting in the first place. The solution is to come here every morning and reaffirm my commitment.

The goal for today is to not look at porn, any porn substitutes or indulge any sexual thoughts or anything which I know deep down activates the porn pathways I am trying to starve of stimulation. I also will not touch my dick except when peeing or in the shower. I am committing to this right here, right now. And going against this is a clear failure to follow through on my commitment. I don't have to keep this up forever, all I have to do right now is get through today. All that matters is today. One day at a time. I don't have to beat this addiction right now, I only have to beat it today.

Fuck porn! Fuck it! We're going to beat this fucking thing. Let's fucking go!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 44 clean.

Should have posted this morning but instead spent the morning playing on my phone. I've got to take back control of my attention, not just for this reboot but also because I have big goals and I can't afford to lose time and energy if I really want to achieve them.

Not much exciting going on in my life at the moment, on holidays so there's not much pressure. That's why I'm slacking off, because I technically can afford to.

This is the period of the reboot where I need to put my head down and just keep going. I'm not particularly fired up.

We will use the tried and true technique of just getting through the rest of the day. The goal for today is to not watch porn, and to not indulge in anything which activates the porn pathways. I also won't touch my dick unless peeing or in the shower. I don't have to manage my apathy forever, that will pass. I also don't have to beat this addiction forever, I only have to beat it today.

Fuck porn!

Tomorrow night I have a party I'm going to, there will be girls!

See you tonight or tomorrow morning, got to stay accountable.

Not today! The commitment and thinking has been done!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Had a semi-productive afternoon.

I think it's time to turn things back around. I've been wasting away days because I can afford to but I want to up my game.

I'm a little in no man's land at the moment. Far from where I was when I started this reboot but not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I feel a little apathetic.

I know if I stay the course it will be worth it. I need to keep starving the sensitised porn pathways and letting my brain heal.

Things could pick up or get out of hand at any moment. I can control more than I think, I just have to keep beating porn and a pickup will come! Could be tomorrow, could be the day after that!

Fuck porn.

I'm going to sleep haha.

No playing with dick tonight or when waking up!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hey!

I know that stage, and I don't know how to manage it very well.
For me, I feel apathetic and bored, and I have relapsed many many times because I just couldn't stand the boredom. I felt like numbed, and I got this devastating feeling.

I think my reasoning went that is better to hurt myself (by relapsing, binging on social media and food, etc) than to feel that.

I know I will have to go through that at some point, and I'll have to figure something out.
Maybe accepting it, not letting it stop me from doing things I enjoy and rewiring, ans committing one day at a time could be a good strategy.
That is, for me, I cannot speak for you!

I still think that rewiring, even when feeling apathetic, is key. It has helped me a lot during my depression. You know, to do things that you know are good for you, even if you don't feel like it at the moment.

Stay strong, you are doing great, and you'll figure something out. It'll pass sooner than you expect, I'm sure!


Best of whishes, cheers!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 45 clean

It's 4am and I just got back from a party. So I'll pretend I made this post yesterday haha.

Well, there was a girl I was interested in who was interested in me but had to go home early. And then there was another girl I was interested in but who I don't think was into me 😭.

My spirits are low tonight getting home. I feel sad.

To be honest I feel like I'm a weird cross between a boy and a man. Like a weird mix of being an innocent young man and also a sexually mature adult.

Sometimes I just want to like a girl and for her to like me back.

Sometimes I just want to fuck.

I don't know what the fuck I want man.

I want someone to be attracted to me for who I am and help me experience real sexual intimacy in a healthy and natural way, I think that's the answer.

I'm feeling emotion. It's painful.

Everything passes eventually but tonight I feel a little nihilistic.

I'm not even close to relapse though. Every single inch of my body is ready to move on from porn. It's fucking over. I'm ready to move on.

Fuck man. Fuck.

See you in the morning. Back to the same boring old don't play with the dick when going to sleep or waking up.

I wish someone would play with my dick instead. 😂

I'll get through this. Keep fighting the fight guys. Fuck.
 
Last edited:

DmdsDmt

Active Member
Day 45 clean

It's 4am and I just got back from a party. So I'll pretend I made this post yesterday haha.

Well, there was a girl I was interested in who was interested in me but had to go home early. And then there was another girl I was interested in but who I don't think was into me 😭.

My spirits are low tonight getting home. I feel sad.

To be honest I feel like I'm a weird cross between a boy and a man. Like a weird mix of being an innocent young man and also a sexually mature adult.

Sometimes I just want to like a girl and for her to like me back.

Sometimes I just want to fuck.

I don't know what the fuck I want man.

I want someone to be attracted to me for who I am and help me experience real sexual intimacy in a healthy and natural way, I think that's the answer.

I'm feeling emotion. It's painful.

Everything passes eventually but tonight I feel a little nihilistic.

I'm not even close to relapse though. Every single inch of my body is ready to move on from porn. It's fucking over. I'm ready to move on.

Fuck man. Fuck.

See you in the morning. Back to the same boring old don't play with the dick when going to sleep or waking up.

I wish someone would play with my dick instead. 😂

I'll get through this. Keep fighting the fight guys. Fuck.

I just fucking cried man.
Hey man i feel you. I used to feel sad and unloved too a while back. For me my game with girls switched when i started to look for triggering things to bring some tension in my conversations on purpose. I was a "nice guy" and was scared of conflict or tension. I was also scared of showing the girl that im attracted to her. I don't know if you are struggling like i was, but when i was trying to get a girl, i watched videous from 'fearless man' on youtube (bald guy). This guy doesn't teach some "magic technique" to get girls or bullshit like that, even thought his thumbnails look a bit clickbaity, but he talks about how to handle emotions and tension around girls and what turns them on. He also gives other good advice about goals and personal development. He really helped me process my emotions and made me step in tension more often. Again, im not sure what level you are at, i thought i'd throw it in here and hope it helps;)
Also congrats on making it to day 45!! You are an inspiration for me man! Keep it up🔥🔥
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 46 clean.

Been a vegetable sleeping through most of the day haha.

My horny brain is active. I just started playing with my dick but fuck that. Instead of escalating to a full-blown MO session I'm coming here.

I'm going to go have a shower and take back control of my day.

MO for me basically means I end up back at PMO at this stage so I have to fight that just as hard.

I'm not going to think about the day yet. All I have to do right now is go have a shower and not play with my dick and masturbate while doing that. It would be so easy for me to do right now.

We have a simple goal. I'll be back in 15 minutes posting here to keep myself accountable.

No playing with dick in shower!!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
We beat the shower test haha.

I'm not going to get all intellectual today.

Back to basics and calm down the active horny brain.

The goal for today is no porn, no p-subs, no indulging in anything which I can feel gets my horniness up or activates the porn pathways in any way. Also the goal is to not touch my dick unless peeing.

I'm committing to this right now. The thinking is done for today.

I'm only one tiny fuck up away from relapse, today that's especially true when I'm tired and susceptible to feeling melancholic.

Fuck porn! Not today!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
End of the day now. I'm tired. Time to go to bed and not play with my dick when falling asleep or when waking up.

Getting some much needed rest will make a big difference for me. Given my mood tends to come in cycles I wouldn't be surprised if sometime in the next week or two I start feeling really good again.

Fuck porn. It's over. I don't want it in my life. Each day which passes puts it further and further behind me and sets me up for the future which I want. We haven't even made it two months yet and I was using porn almost daily for 10 years. That's pretty scary!

But I won't think about that, it's too overwhelming. Tonight and tomorrow morning is all that matters right now.

Don't play with the dick.

See you tomorrow.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 47 clean.

Wow wtf? Apparently I forgot to post today?

Well we made it through today. I played games on my phone all day, I need to stop that. Tomorrow I'll make it my goal to not play games on my phone until after dinner. I mean really I should just never do it and instead focus on achieving meaningful things in life but if I can make it through all of the day tomorrow and only fuck around in the evening that would be great and I think it's very achievable.

For now I need to go to bed and not fantasize or play with my dick when going to sleep or waking up.

I feel a bit frustrated and monkey brain but I'm sure that's just from being on my phone way too much.

I don't have to beat the horniness forever, just tonight and when waking up.

Come on!

I'm still only one fuck up away from relapse. I'll just focus on this next thing, go to bed, keep it in the pants.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 48 clean.

I've woken up the past two days with morning wood.

Today I woke up after sexual dreams feeling a little like I had blue balls haha.

Part of me would like some sexual release but I know the right thing to do is keep up the no MO, no PMO, it's working so well to keep me on track.

One day at a time. Right now I don't think I could handle how overwhelming the big picture is so all I have to do is focus on today.

Today's goal is the same as usual. The goal is to not look at porn, to not look at p-subs and to not indulge in anything which I know deep down activates the porn pathways. I also will not touch my dick unless peeing or in the shower.

I have an extra goal for today which is to not use my phone until after dinner. This will help me to have a productive day and will make the reboot easier.

I end up saying the same thing a lot here but that's because the days are mostly the same and the stakes are always high.

I could so easily indulge in some little thing today and it would lead to PMO, then bingeing, then fucking months lost towards bullshit.

Not today. Fuck that.

No porn, no MO. Just got to focus on today.

Fuck porn!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Did not manage to achieve the extra goal of not using my phone until after dinner. That's okay, I'll get off my phone now and go to bed before I make myself too tired for tomorrow.

I'll go to bed now and the goal is to not play with my dick when going to sleep or waking up.

I need to stop playing my games on my phone, it weakens my willpower and then sometimes can even be a little frustrating and it makes me want to MO. 😂 Fuck sake man. Seems like I've got two additions at the moment.

Fuck porn.

At the moment things are harder than usual and urges are up. I put it down to phone use and also the partying I did.

One tiny slip up away from fucking this up.

That's why we take it one day at a time. I don't have to beat this addiction, I only have to beat it tonight and then when waking up.

I can do that.

See you tomorrow morning, I've got to hold myself accountable right now.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Day 47 clean.

Wow wtf? Apparently I forgot to post today?

Well we made it through today. I played games on my phone all day, I need to stop that. Tomorrow I'll make it my goal to not play games on my phone until after dinner. I mean really I should just never do it and instead focus on achieving meaningful things in life but if I can make it through all of the day tomorrow and only fuck around in the evening that would be great and I think it's very achievable.

For now I need to go to bed and not fantasize or play with my dick when going to sleep or waking up.

I feel a bit frustrated and monkey brain but I'm sure that's just from being on my phone way too much.

I don't have to beat the horniness forever, just tonight and when waking up.

Come on!

I'm still only one fuck up away from relapse. I'll just focus on this next thing, go to bed, keep it in the pants.
Feel you a lot, sometimes the monkey brain acts and is difficult to stop it.
One day at a time! Is not a thing we can do instantly, and it requires some effort, the important thing is that we are trying everyday to beat that monkey brain and we are learning how to do it, step by step.

The next day is usually better than the previous, which means we are doing the right thing and will eventually beat it.

And you are right, we can relapse anyday and that's why is important to commit to overcome that monkey brain every day!

Cheers, you are doing good!
 
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