Day 45 clean
It's 4am and I just got back from a party. So I'll pretend I made this post yesterday haha.
Well, there was a girl I was interested in who was interested in me but had to go home early. And then there was another girl I was interested in but who I don't think was into me
.
My spirits are low tonight getting home. I feel sad.
To be honest I feel like I'm a weird cross between a boy and a man. Like a weird mix of being an innocent young man and also a sexually mature adult.
Sometimes I just want to like a girl and for her to like me back.
Sometimes I just want to fuck.
I don't know what the fuck I want man.
I want someone to be attracted to me for who I am and help me experience real sexual intimacy in a healthy and natural way, I think that's the answer.
I'm feeling emotion. It's painful.
Everything passes eventually but tonight I feel a little nihilistic.
I'm not even close to relapse though. Every single inch of my body is ready to move on from porn. It's fucking over. I'm ready to move on.
Fuck man. Fuck.
See you in the morning. Back to the same boring old don't play with the dick when going to sleep or waking up.
I wish someone would play with my dick instead.
I'll get through this. Keep fighting the fight guys. Fuck.
I just fucking cried man.