Road to freedom

[cookiemonster]

This to me sounds like you're NOT interested.

I guess so. But she's good company and if I wasn't overthinking things and just considered her to be another friend then I think I'd happily hang out with her.

But then the longer this goes on the more it's like a relationship and the more I feel locked into this single monogamous thing.

I think if it weren't for this ^ then I'd not be so overanalytical of it all.

1. You don't necessarily have to have a relationship with a girl, especially right off the bat, you can just keep it casual. This is okay as long as you express your intentions forthrightly and don't misrepresent.
2. Your past porn habit might be affecting your thoughts when it comes to these matters. I think monogamy can be hard for many, including myself, but many of my thoughts have changed as I've become further and further away from porn. I still think what you're thinking, but I will say those thoughts have been considerably toned down over the last six months.
3. If you really liked this girl (both personality and physical attraction) you probably wouldn't be worried about this as much.

This is true and a good reminder to stay the course no matter what.

Keep killing it!

I think porn might be affecting affecting things here. I mean, I'm worried about having only one partner when I haven't even got one yet hahah. And I think this is true: "If you really liked this girl (both personality and physical attraction) you probably wouldn't be worried about this as much." If you find someone who you're very holistically attracted to, you'd be launching right in, not worried about missing out on something somewhere else.

I think that's what I'm mostly frustrated about.

1. I don't know why I haven't found that person yet. So few people are accessible socially (i.e. I'm not that keen on just chatting up random people on campus) and attract me on multiple levels.
2. If I were to find that person, I'm not sure I'd be that happy about it because I also have this reptilian brain telling me to go out there and have sex with all the women.

Maybe my standards are too high and I'm expecting some super-intelligent supermodel? I don't know haha.

It does just annoy me a little that me just trying to get back into the dating game is a bit like this. Worrying about leading other people on, etc. I don't even know what I want is the thing.

I don't want to be an arsehole or anything. I'm just getting some thoughts off my chest and I'll figure out the best way forward for me and all parties involved.

Argh.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 65 clean.

Feeling a little melancholic and frustrated today. I had some form of morning wood but it went away by the time I fully woke up and stopped drowsing, it felt like I had blue balls this morning.

No matter how I feel, I'm going to keep beating porn. Moods come and go and I'll feel better at some point in the near future.

I wrote in my journal today, "even if I don't feel great, I still want to beat the industries that are trying to steal my time and attention".

I will look out for myself. No point in self-sabotaging just because I'm in a low mood.

The goal for today is a porn-free day. No porn, no p-subs, no engaging in activities which I can feel activate the porn pathways. I will not touch my dick unless peeing.

I'm frustrated at the moment and that has the potential to make things tough. It's like my brain is telling me "alright well if you're not going to get with a girl soon, just hurry up and whack one out then".

Fuckkkkkkkk that. Not today. I've only got to get through today. My mood will spontaneously pick up soon and I'll be patting myself on the back for holding the line and posting here about something exciting.

Fuck porn. I will post here today as many times as I need to make sure I get through clean.

Let's go. I can do this.

 

[Androg]

Even though you want intercourse, you may find it surprisingly nourishing to stick to activities that are "just affectionate" rather than "hot." That will be good for both of you while you figure things out. Not satiating your sexual tension doesn't have to be a torment, if you don't start fantasizing about what you think you want...and just stay in the present.

In short, your genes may want you to try to make babies, but you don't have to rush things.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 66 clean.

The goal for today is a porn-pathway-activating-activity-free day. I will not touch my dick unless peeing. That is my commitment here this morning and I'll be back here tonight or tomorrow morning to make sure I stay accountable.

I had a sexual dream last night which involved an adult performer. Interesting that this stuff is still in my brain afters 66 days (9 and 1/2 weeks) of diligent hard-mode.

Even though you want intercourse, you may find it surprisingly nourishing to stick to activities that are "just affectionate" rather than "hot." That will be good for both of you while you figure things out. Not satiating your sexual tension doesn't have to be a torment, if you don't start fantasizing about what you think you want...and just stay in the present.

In short, your genes may want you to try to make babies, but you don't have to rush things.

Yeah I agree. I would appreciate any sort of affection. We are just hanging out on campus so there's no physical affection at all. I'm fine with that. I'm more just frustrated at my inability to find someone I unequivocally like and my current lack of clarity around whether I casual sex would be positive or negative for me.

I will figure it out.

Fuck the porn industry!

 

[Trisquel]

Day 60 clean.

Bit of a shit morning. Spent the morning on YouTube shorts avoiding my responsibilities. Yesterday and today I've been hit with quite a few triggers and this morning when I woke up I was playing with my dick which was borderline going on masturbation.

All of this coincides with a couple of university assignments coming due and staying up later than usual last night. A useful observation for the future.

So urges are up and I'm a bit horny. Nothing we haven't been through before. Bring it on!

I'm here this morning to reconnect with my goals and strengthen my resolve for the rest of the day.

Today I will not look at porn, not look at p-subs, and not engage in activities which I can feel activate the porn pathways. Today that means I'm not going to look at social media, especially YouTube. No exceptions. The stakes are too high today so we're going all out. I also won't touch my dick except for when peeing for the rest of the day.

Almost excited to have a bit of a challenge.

No fucking way are we going back to porn. I still haven't got enough distance between me and porn which means masturbation is out of the question too. It just leads me to PMO. It's game on. Today is a challenge and I need to show up as the best version of myself to take it on. I'm going to do just that.

Fuck porn!

I'll post here as many times as I need to get through today.

Just got to win today. One day at a time.

Congrats on two months free, cookie!
That's a great achievement.
Also congrats on keeping that attitude so far!

 

[Trisquel]

Maybe, I'll think about it. I socialise a fair bit even if I don't right about it here. I'm on uni campus 4 days a week in class. I usually go to one or two social club events a week and catch up with someone outside of that. Now that doesn't say anything about the quality of the interactions and everyone is different so... maybe. I'll think about it more haha.

I definitely need more "play" in my life. I just don't know what form that could come in. I think goofing around with a girl could be good for me. Especially if she doesn't always take things as seriously as I do.

---

Urges are up today.

I guess maybe it comes from this.

Recently I'm starting to feel a little frustrated. I'm doing a good job of beating PMO and not MOing. But I'm still not fucking? I know this might sound a little ridiculous but I think it might be cathartic to write out a little stream of consciousness here and let out a little bit of built up emotional tension.

I see plenty of attractive people around. I think I can pretty safely assume my PIED is completely gone. I want to be sexually active now. There are girls interested in me. There's one girl who's very interested in me as she keeps taking the initiative to organise things with me. And yet I can't even tell how interested in her I am. I've spoken to people about this and they say that if I can't answer that question then I'm probably not interested. But then, wtf? I enjoy hanging out with her I think? But then the longer this goes on the more it's like a relationship and the more I feel locked into this single monogamous thing.

I was already taking about this about 1 month into the reboot.


Maybe I'm not attracted enough to this person? Maybe I've got this grass-is-always-greener-elsewhere mindset going on?

I don't know. But tonight I'm feeling a little frustrated. I want to have sex with someone I'm attracted to and respect and trust.

Aargghhh hahaha.

Oh well, time to go to sleep. Got to fight this battle every day.

Some day soon in the near future all of this will be sorted out. All I have to do is not fuck it up in the meantime.

Tonight I don't want to play with my dick when going to sleep or waking up in the morning. This is important given my mindset at the moment. I just need to get through tonight, things will naturally become easier again soon.

Don't blow up your progress. You're doing great. You can do this.

In my experience, one can get too caught on thoughts about if they like someone or not!
I think if you just hang out with her and are open to what may happen, things will clear out without having to think/worry/fix it.

Also, keep in mind that sometimes you start interacting with someone in a more affectionate way and then you develop an attraction, not the other way around. At least that happens in my experience.

With that said, I'm not the healthiest guy out there when it comes to relationships, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

1. You don't necessarily have to have a relationship with a girl, especially right off the bat, you can just keep it casual. This is okay as long as you express your intentions forthrightly and don't misrepresent.
2. Your past porn habit might be affecting your thoughts when it comes to these matters. I think monogamy can be hard for many, including myself, but many of my thoughts have changed as I've become further and further away from porn. I still think what you're thinking, but I will say those thoughts have been considerably toned down over the last six months.
3. If you really liked this girl (both personality and physical attraction) you probably wouldn't be worried about this as much.

I completely agree, communication and beeing open about what you want is key!

Also I know P can influence your attraction pattern, and we have to be careful with that, I'm experiencing that now...

Good luck in your journey! I think is smart you are taking things slow and taking your time to see what you want and how things develop.


Best of whishes

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 67 clean.

I slept in this morning and feel in a better mood. Maybe I just wasn't getting enough sleep. I had pornographic dreams last night with adult performers again and had morning wood when I woke up and then went back to dozing.

I'm going to a party tonight which will hopefully be fun but it's also a big risky moment for me in the reboot. Getting home from the party and then most significantly the next morning (often hungover) I feel like MO and to some extent PMO.

To deal with that I'm going to log on tonight and just touch base after the party and then do the same thing tomorrow morning to make sure I don't do anything silly.

The goal for today is to stay well away from porn and most importantly to not let things go awry later tonight and tomorrow morning.

Going to take the pressure off everything else today and try to just have a bit of fun.

Fuck porn.

I'll see you tonight when I check in.

 

[cookiemonster]

Hello.

I'm home now. Fuck porn.

Anyway, a little frustrated because I still have no sexual release. I guess tonight and tomorrow morning will be a hugely risky period because of that. I feel really annoyed about it. I need to fuck man.

I don't feel like sleeping, but I'm tired. One of those moods. Argh.

Honestly I'm doing a really good job getting my life together. Being productive and all that stuff. But on nights like these I almost don't give a shit. Like what's the point if I still don't get to have any sexual fun. Argh. I know there's a point and it's great that I'm getting my life together but I'm just frustrated.

Oh well. Bed now. Do NOT look at porn. DO NOT MO. I'll be over this quickly and I'll be a happy man knowing my streak is alive and well. Going to hit a PB soon.

 

[Trisquel]

Hello.

I'm home now. Fuck porn.

Anyway, a little frustrated because I still have no sexual release. I guess tonight and tomorrow morning will be a hugely risky period because of that. I feel really annoyed about it. I need to fuck man.

I don't feel like sleeping, but I'm tired. One of those moods. Argh.

Honestly I'm doing a really good job getting my life together. Being productive and all that stuff. But on nights like these I almost don't give a shit. Like what's the point if I still don't get to have any sexual fun. Argh. I know there's a point and it's great that I'm getting my life together but I'm just frustrated.

Oh well. Bed now. Do NOT look at porn. DO NOT MO. I'll be over this quickly and I'll be a happy man knowing my streak is alive and well. Going to hit a PB soon.

Hey! I understand that mood completely, when you feel like "aw man, fuck it", and you start beeing carefree just for no good reason, you are just feeling like it.

But you are aware of that, and that's good! In the end, this state of mind shall too pass and it'lm be worth it you kept on putting your life together.

Nothing you don't now already.
Good luck these days!
Cheers,

Trisquel

 

[cookiemonster]

Good morning. We're still clean. Going to start my day and most importantly not play with my dick or masturbate in the shower.

I'll check in after the shower.

Hey! I understand that mood completely, when you feel like "aw man, fuck it", and you start beeing carefree just for no good reason, you are just feeling like it.

But you are aware of that, and that's good! In the end, this state of mind shall too pass and it'lm be worth it you kept on putting your life together.

Nothing you don't now already.
Good luck these days!
Cheers,

Trisquel

Thanks for the support. I feel better this morning.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 68 clean.

We handled the sensitive period like a champ. Much better than the last couple of times I've been in similar situations.

The goal for today is no porn, no p-subs like borderline material on social media. I will not touch my dick unless peeing.

I'm almost at 10 weeks. That's the exact point at which I lost my two longest streaks. The objective is, of course, to not let that happen this time.

Fuck porn. Fuck social media. Fuck cheap dopamine.

I have a life I'm working to create and it's going well.

 

[cookiemonster]

Jeez.

I went on a pretty amazing date with that girl I've been hanging out with tonight. She organised a pretty special dinner and wrote me a card. She's really nice and really likes me.

I came home and spent a couple of hours going through old memories. I've kept notes, postcards and birthday cards since I was born from family and friends, literally since I was like 2 years old. I have valentine's day cards and scrapbooks from times with ex-girlfriends. For years they sit tucked away gathering dust and then for whatever reason I'll stay up way later than I should looking at them one night.

They make me really nostalgic and emotional. It makes me sad to see the people I love growing old. And it makes me sad to sit with memories which are from so long ago, from when I was so young; they feel like they come from a different lifetime.

I feel so utterly depressed. Don't get me wrong, life is probably objectively pretty good, but there's just this thing which keeps bugging me and I don't know what it is.

This next bit is going to make me sound like a complete narcissist who loves himself so I apologise for that. But I think I need emotional release right now and if I can just write the way I want to as I would in a diary as opposed to filtering everything I think it will work a lot better.

Life used to be so good. I used to kick ass in everything I did and I did a huge range of things. The amount of life changing experiences I've had, the trips I've been on, the awards I've won man.... fuckkkkkk. The opportunities that have come my way that I have pounced on and lived to the fullest. I've lived so many intense emotions and crazy experiences, I've done and achieved stuff people will never experience in their lives.

My life now just feels like waking up and having to do a whole bunch of stuff every day. And there's this dark cloud of an uncertain future, what I'm going to do in my life and support myself, how I'm going to cope with losing loved ones in the future.

And then there's this reboot. Thank god for this reboot. There's no going back now. Porn is over. Something in me snapped a while ago and it's snapping again. I just can't go through the pain of that again. And if I do relapse, I'd better fucking not, then I need to get straight back on the horse.

I just feel like I don't feel emotions anymore. The most intense emotions I lived in my life were like 10 years ago.

Maybe my neurochemistry is recalibrating itself.

Today I realised that I have a hard time opening up to people. I have no problem with confidence or sharing things about my life. But I mean emotionally opening up to people.

Like this girl organises the most unbelievable date and I'm just emotionally fucking neutered. I don't attach to people.

I don't fucking know.

It's late as and I need to go to sleep.

These things always get better and I feel like I'm potentially on the cusp of some great positive changes in my life.

See you in the morning.

 

[Androg]

It's good to notice where you are and where you want to be. But you can't push the river. You'll get there. Congrats on receiving such a generous gift from the woman. And having the sense to appreciate it...even if you still don't feel fully restored.

 

[Brutus]

Like this girl organises the most unbelievable date and I'm just emotionally fucking neutered. I don't attach to people.

Man I relate to that. I've been having a had time making meaningful relationships with people too. It's like I really care about these people but I don't really feel it emotionally, if that makes sense. I've notice this feeling is starting to pass the longer I stay away from P though, so there's some hope at least. Hopefully we'll both recover man, it sucks to feel like you can't connect to people.

 

[cookiemonster]

It's good to notice where you are and where you want to be. But you can't push the river. You'll get there. Congrats on receiving such a generous gift from the woman. And having the sense to appreciate it...even if you still don't feel fully restored.

Man I relate to that. I've been having a had time making meaningful relationships with people too. It's like I really care about these people but I don't really feel it emotionally, if that makes sense. I've notice this feeling is starting to pass the longer I stay away from P though, so there's some hope at least. Hopefully we'll both recover man, it sucks to feel like you can't connect to people.

Thanks to both of you. It's nice to hear people treating what I'm feeling as something normal given the circumstances and that I'll eventually move past it. And that I'm not the only who has felt like this.

To be honest I'm not sure how much of it comes from porn and how much of it comes from... just underlying psychology I guess. In the end they're both related.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 69 clean. Day 70 clean. 10 weeks clean.

Well, this is about as far as I've ever made it. Fuck yeah.

Today the goal is no porn, no p-subs and to not touch my dick unless peeing. That's the magic recipe. I commit to that goal this morning, the thinking is done.

I had a weird dream last night where I was looking at porn, like in an internet browser? Wtf hahaha. How is this stuff still in my subconscious?

Starting to build on this reboot and work towards not just being porn free but also being distraction free and making my days more meaningful. I would love to build towards a point where each day I barely check in anywhere except to into my own body and mind and I feel connected to my life and the story I'm building.

Fuck porn.

Let's go get it.

 

[cookiemonster]

Going to be a tough few days dealing with responsibilities. It's late tonight and I can't sleep in tomorrow. Got to make sure I stay on my game even when feeling tired.

See you tomorrow morning.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 71 clean.

On the bus. Slept in this morning and truncated the morning routine to mitigate some fatigue.

Fuck porn. Not today!

 

[Blondie]

Yes, fuck porn!

 

[cookiemonster]

Not feeling good today and urges are up. I think it is a normal reactionary force to the extra energy I had to put into assignments last night. I stayed up later than usual working and maybe incurred a bit of willpower debt. I feel tired today and have more assignments upon me which I can feel stresses me out at a subconscious level. So the all of this adds up and I get urges I guess.

I'm also frustrated about this whole dating business. I'll just be candid as ridiculous as things may sound because this is the simplified version of things. There are many attractive girls out there, why am I not having sex with them? Why am I stuck in this limbo between being too conservative for pure transactional sex and too progressive to be content with settling down into a monogamous relationship?

Checking in to acknowledge what I'm going through because it keeps me on the straight and narrow. I have an opportunity to lie down and have a quick nap which I'm grateful for and I'm going to do just that. However, this means I need to make a point of not masturbating and playing with my dick when I'm feeling the way I am.

Argh. Time to get laid I think.

P.S. I think there are things which exist between lustful transactional sex and monogamy, like friends with benefits or a more casual dating situation. Maybe that's for me at this stage of my sexual development?