Road to freedom

[cookiemonster]

Happy New Year!

It's ~3 AM, 01/01/22 here.

Just finished a wonderful evening with friends and am staying over at a mate's house.

At first I feel like saying it's kind of sad to be posting here at New Year's time. But really whether I like it or not, this addiction somehow became a part of my life and I've got to accept that. It's now up to me to put it behind me. I don't feel bad about that at all, just stoic.

I had a great day. I still am going strong, I've now passed the one month mark full hard mode. "Urges" aren't strong but I'm horny af. I have broken the habit of pmo though now (touch wood), it's more natural for me not to do it than it is to do it.

I tested my erection again in the shower this morning and was pleased with the results. I can get 90-95% erect off touch alone while standing up but it goes away quickly afterwards. I'm going to stop doing that now because I can see how it's a step close to full on masturbation if you're not careful.

I guess we keep on trucking.

 

[cookiemonster]

Also.

I think 4 weeks/1 month is my personal record for no pmo once I started doing pmo regularly.

Last time I stopped for this long was in 2015 (I was 14!) when I had a long school camp of 8 weeks (I went home and "relapsed" in the middle even though it wasn't all done in the context of addiction, just stopping while I was on camp).

So yeah. I've equaled a personal best!

 

[nothing]

Hey man, so good to know you are doing well. I have a similar story of gradual escalation in content and ED. Happy new year and keep going!

 

[cookiemonster]

Wouldn't mind hearing some advice from a few of you guys on here about how I should go about the "rewiring" process.

I'm a virgin. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm also not so sure the casual sex scene is for me, I don't think I'd be that comfortable just hooking up with someone I don't know.

I guess I should get a girlfriend?

 

[cookiemonster]

I'm a little over 4 weeks in and it feels like I'm going through some withdrawal symptoms.

I've felt pretty good over the past month but now I'm pretty cranky and getting some urges to pmo.

The only think that has changed is the erection testing so I guess I should stop that completely as it is correlated with making the reboot more difficult. I've been doing it in the shower each day since I did it for the first time a few days ago. I have regained a lot of sensitivity and am able to get fully erect from touch alone most of the time.

Happy to discover I have a working penis but I guess it has to stay dormant to make abstaining from pmo easier haha.

Been feeling pretty glum and cranky today. Not sure if it's because of the reboot and withdrawals but it could be. If I have general mood improvements over the next couple of months that would be awesome.

 

[nothing]

Presumably it gets worse before it gets better. Glad to know you are hanging in there man! How have you been trying to dismiss the urges? And have you tried channeling your energy into something else? Hobby, work, working out, etc?

 

[cookiemonster]

Presumably it gets worse before it gets better. Glad to know you are hanging in there man! How have you been trying to dismiss the urges? And have you tried channeling your energy into something else? Hobby, work, working out, etc?

I don't really try to dismiss the urges. I'm genuinely too lazy to go through the reboot process again and I'd really like to be recovered so that I can have some relationships with girls in 2022. I really don't want to relapse basically. I get angry and get this fire in my stomach when a thought of relapse comes up and I'm like "NO FUCKING WAY IS THAT HAPPENING". I don't want to go through this again so I'd rather do it the first time in one hit.

Anyway I don't want to jinx myself so I don't talk about it too much, I don't want to be like "this is how I don't relapse" to then be making a relapse post the next day haha.

As far as hobbies and stuff go, I have plenty of hobbies and a good history of working out but recently I haven't been on the ball with it all. I'm on university holidays at the moment. I think that's the next step for me generally and in this reboot, work on my hobbies and health.

 

[cookiemonster]

I had another pornographic dream last night and am having urges to masturbate, not so sure if the urges are to watch porn or just masturbate but I don't think I'm fully recovered yet because porn is still on my mind at times.

 

[cookiemonster]

I went to the bathroom today to pee and somehow ended up with a rock solid erection instead.

I think in some respects I'm quite recovered just after 4 weeks and not fully in others. I still don't feel like I've fully kicked the habit of pmo because I really feel like masturbating (and that habit for me historically is inseparable from porn). I'm still having some dreams about porn too and I guess some urges.

But I have a hyperresponsive penis right now and can get rock solid erections from nowhere which is unheard of for me in my entire life. From PIED to this in 4 weeks! Holy shit haha.

I don't think I'm ready to trust myself with masturbation without porn but I feel like I need to find some form of sexual release.

I think I need to find a girl?? I don't feel like I'm quite ready for 'rewiring' because I still have some 'unwiring' left to do so that I completely rid myself of the habit. But I think by the time I find someone to test the waters out with, several weeks probably will have passed anyway.

Would love to hear some help from you guys about how to get in the game and rewire.

 

[og123xx]

Happy new year Sir, seems you're making some good progress with your PIED. You seem in a similar situation to me regarding girlfriend (or bf for me). I think porn is the real bad thing but quitting MO is necessary for a while at least, in order to reboot you. What exactly are you aiming/looking for regarding the 'rewiring'?

 

[cookiemonster]

Happy new year Sir, seems you're making some good progress with your PIED. You seem in a similar situation to me regarding girlfriend (or bf for me). I think porn is the real bad thing but quitting MO is necessary for a while at least, in order to reboot you. What exactly are you aiming/looking for regarding the 'rewiring'?

Not exactly sure what I'm looking for regarding the 'rewiring'. I guess broadly having sexual relations with a woman haha.

I'm not sure if I'm the kind of guy who would enjoy doing one night stands and I'm not sure if that's the best context to rewire in anyway.

I don't think I can continue indefinitely doing no MO though so I need some form of sexual release from somewhere.

I'm a virgin so at some point I'd also like to level up in that department and get some experience too.

 

[og123xx]

Not exactly sure what I'm looking for regarding the 'rewiring'. I guess broadly having sexual relations with a woman haha.

I'm not sure if I'm the kind of guy who would enjoy doing one night stands and I'm not sure if that's the best context to rewire in anyway.

I don't think I can continue indefinitely doing no MO though so I need some form of sexual release from somewhere.

I'm a virgin so at some point I'd also like to level up in that department and get some experience too.

Yes me too. I have had several one-night stands (only with women) and due to porn I have experienced a lack of desire and delayed ejaculation... so they weren't always too great.

I'm not sure what the answer will be for you, but certainly, I can relate to needing sexual release. This is the same for me and is why I ultimately intend to quit porn, but not MO. Therapists have said the same thing, but as other people have advised me, no MO is a good way to speed up the rewiring I guess?

For me, I want to get to a point where I find sex enjoyable so that *this* is the reward and not porn. Perhaps this is the rewiring we need? I keep telling myself though cravings will always come up to use porn again... sadly I think if you been an addict we must always be vigilant to urges to relapse.

Do you use dating apps? I have personally had bad luck with them and I prefer face-to-face interaction... maybe try and go on some dates? (this is something I would like to try in the new year)

Keep going anyway man, and well done for getting where you currently are

 

[Deleted member 22651]

Sounds like you're going through the hard part of the recovery/rewiring, good to see that you're in control of the situation and know yourself well enough to not let the urges and withdrawals control you.

I've relapsed a couple of times and the first month or so after is always full of random erections out of nowhere from almost anything. Something I did to get through that was meditating and pelvic floor exercises, the meditating helped with letting the thoughts come and go and the pelvic exercises helped with penis conditioning.

When it comes to wanting girlfriend, its good that you know what you want and arent just looking for randoms to have sex with. Try putting yourself out there, meet friends with other friends, go to a cafe or somewhere where you're likely to find people who share similar interests to you and go from there.

As someone whos made a lot mistakes when dating, Im more than happy to provide any tips, advice or listen to whats going on. All the best with everything bro!

 

[cookiemonster]

Yes me too. I have had several one-night stands (only with women) and due to porn I have experienced a lack of desire and delayed ejaculation... so they weren't always too great.

I'm not sure what the answer will be for you, but certainly, I can relate to needing sexual release. This is the same for me and is why I ultimately intend to quit porn, but not MO. Therapists have said the same thing, but as other people have advised me, no MO is a good way to speed up the rewiring I guess?

For me, I want to get to a point where I find sex enjoyable so that *this* is the reward and not porn. Perhaps this is the rewiring we need? I keep telling myself though cravings will always come up to use porn again... sadly I think if you been an addict we must always be vigilant to urges to relapse.

Do you use dating apps? I have personally had bad luck with them and I prefer face-to-face interaction... maybe try and go on some dates? (this is something I would like to try in the new year)

Keep going anyway man, and well done for getting where you currently are

I have used dating apps to go on a date once before but had a pretty poor experience.

I also prefer face to face interaction and think I do better for myself when meeting people in person as opposed to having to put time into texting which I don't enjoy.

I love house parties or group events where I meet friends of friends because those environments are really conducive to finding someone you get along with.

And yeah, I'm not sure about MO. I can't see myself going forever without it but at the same time, like you've said, we need to be vigilant about urges to PMO having been addicted in the past.

And thanks a lot for the support, let's keep going.

 

[cookiemonster]

Sounds like you're going through the hard part of the recovery/rewiring, good to see that you're in control of the situation and know yourself well enough to not let the urges and withdrawals control you.

I've relapsed a couple of times and the first month or so after is always full of random erections out of nowhere from almost anything. Something I did to get through that was meditating and pelvic floor exercises, the meditating helped with letting the thoughts come and go and the pelvic exercises helped with penis conditioning.

When it comes to wanting girlfriend, its good that you know what you want and arent just looking for randoms to have sex with. Try putting yourself out there, meet friends with other friends, go to a cafe or somewhere where you're likely to find people who share similar interests to you and go from there.

As someone whos made a lot mistakes when dating, Im more than happy to provide any tips, advice or listen to whats going on. All the best with everything bro!

Thanks Gohan.

It's a bit tougher with the coronavirus than usual but I think you're right. I just have to put myself in more social situations where I can meet people. I think the best way is to meet someone doing an activity in which you have mutual interest or to meet someone through a friend you already have.

Maybe I'll ask some of my friends to organise some events so I can meet people hahahhah

 

[og123xx]

Thanks Gohan.

It's a bit tougher with the coronavirus than usual but I think you're right. I just have to put myself in more social situations where I can meet people. I think the best way is to meet someone doing an activity in which you have mutual interest or to meet someone through a friend you already have.

Maybe I'll ask some of my friends to organise some events so I can meet people hahahhah

Keep pushing yourself and keep praising yourself for trying

 

[cookiemonster]

5 weeks no pmo.

Although to be honest this last week I've been doing a bit too much "erection checking" out of amazement of my new sensitivity, sensations, erection strength etc...

I don't really view it as a bad thing since it's all pure exploration of sensations and no fanticising etc but at the same time if I want to be stricter I could just cut that out completely for a while and I probably should so I don't get tempted to take it too far.

 

[cookiemonster]

At the current stage of my reboot I feel like I'm really close to MO but not PMO.

Like I basically feel horny I guess but not in the full-on porn addiction sense.

I really don't know whether I should continue to hold out on masturbation or just say 5 weeks hard mode is good enough, no more porn ever, but masturbation is allowed.

I've heard of the chaser effect so I guess I don't want to have to deal with urges to watch porn post MO.

I'm also definitely not fully recovered from my porn addiction because while I feel like I'm mostly in control, I'm only one slip up away. I still have temptations for sure even though they're thankfully relatively easy/easier to control.

I think for now I'm going to ignore my penis for a little while. Basically I'll touch the thing to pee and shower haha. I can do that while I make a concrete decision on how to proceed. Also I know this is actually all playing out in my mind (not below the belt) but it's easier to focus on this physical goal. It's what I did at the start of my reboot.

 

[nothing]

That's awesome man! Glad to know you are doing so well!

 

[cookiemonster]

That's awesome man! Glad to know you are doing so well!

I've been following your journal too, hang in there. It's good that you don't binge post relapse but I know you have it in you to go further and avoid relapse in the first place. Good luck brother.