Road to freedom

[Blondie]

Those are the worst. I had one not too long ago. When you wake up it's a total clusterfuck because you don't know if it actually happened or not.

You're killing it @cookiemonster.

 

[cookiemonster]

Those are the worst. I had one not too long ago. When you wake up it's a total clusterfuck because you don't know if it actually happened or not.

You're killing it @cookiemonster.

I felt like shit and woke up with a bad stomachache.

Could have been the bad Chinese takeaway though hahah.

2h26 minutes on my phone today. That's really good for me. Most the time spent on this forum and messages which is a good form of social media. No games. Good shit. Would love to get screen time down even more.

Going to bed to read.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 79 clean.

Spent the morning playing on my phone so writing this while waiting for the bus.

The goal is a porn free and psub free day. The one thing which is keeping me feeling alright despite all the things I'm not managing to achieve is the fact that I'm beating porn. I want to keep doing that.

I think it's true that the first stage of overcoming an addiction is awareness and acceptance. I have to recognise that I'm actually addicted to social media and video games because I use them when I don't want to. It's very similar to porn, it feels good in the moment but afterwards I wonder why I wasted my time.

This reframing of social media and video games will hopefully allow me to overcome what has now become an addiction. Call a spade a spade and maybe it will become clearer how to deal with it.

My problem apps are mainly YouTube, Instagram and games on my phone. I literally have no need to use these apps. There are some nice benefits which come from using them responsibily but those benefits are not accessible to me for the time being.

Solution? Stop using them.

Anyway on the bus now.

No porn. No social media. No games.

Fuck them all.

See you later.

 

[cookiemonster]

I spoke with the girl I've been hanging out with and told her I enjoy her company but she's moving a lot faster than I am and I feel quite pressured. I just want to get to know her better.

She was fine with that and we agreed to just keep hanging out. She's quite traditional and not interested in sex before commitment so that's good to know. It takes more pressure off. But it also does mean I'm not going to be having sex, it probably wouldn't be a good idea anyway and I'm not sure whether I'd want to do it.

That's fine I guess but I'd like to get to the point where the time is right for that with someone in the near future. It's time.

 

[Androg]

I spoke with the girl I've been hanging out with and told her I enjoy her company but she's moving a lot faster than I am and I feel quite pressured. I just want to get to know her better.

She was fine with that and we agreed to just keep hanging out. She's quite traditional and not interested in sex before commitment so that's good to know. It takes more pressure off. But it also does mean I'm not going to be having sex, it probably wouldn't be a good idea anyway and I'm not sure whether I'd want to do it.

That's fine I guess but I'd like to get to the point where the time is right for that with someone in the near future. It's time.

Would she be up for some nekked cuddling if you both agree to no sex and no foreplay? Could be good for both of you while you figure things out.

 

[cookiemonster]

Would she be up for some nekked cuddling if you both agree to no sex and no foreplay? Could be good for both of you while you figure things out.

Not sure about naked but I'm sure she'd be up for cuddling haha

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 80 clean.

The goal for today is a porn-free day, with no porn substitutes and no activation of the porn pathways. I won't touch my dick unless peeing.

I masturbated for like 10 seconds when waking up this morning. This happens when I'm tired. I will try to go to bed earlier tonight, like 9:30pm early. I'm tired af.

Good gym session this morning.

Today is another day to go to war with social media. I found an exclusively educational app which I can use to watch the educational videos I was watching on youtube. What does this mean?

I have no reason to go on youtube, instagram or games on my phone. There's literally only one news account I like consuming on instagram and replying to messages. But I end up not replying to messages anyway haaha. So yeah, today we can just say the goal is 0 minutes. I already used up my 1 minute quota and then and my app blocker kicked in and I was like "oh yeah, true, I'm trying to stop using these."

So the goal for today is now 0 minutes on these apps. This won't be the requirement forever, but I want to build a streak of following through on the goal I set each morning.

Fuck porn! Really happy to feel that urges are weaker and weaker and I'm not triggered by the stress of assignments. I don't want to jinx anything though so I'll stay on my A-game. Today I could easily relapse if I just self-sabotaged out of some curiosity. NO sir. Fuck porn! Fuck fuck fuck porn!

 

[cookiemonster]

Going to bed now. Good day, played on my phone at the end of the day and feel a little agitated right now.

I'll go to bed and read and journal. This agitation is why I'm coming here. It's the exactly the kind of thing which can just mean I super speed pinch one out before my brain even turns on.

I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go to bed and read and sleep without playing with my dick. I don't need to do this forever, only this evening. The rest will take care of itself.

My brain might throw some new challenges at me now that it thinks it won't be having sex anytime soon. I need to get laid man, fuck me. If I started being intimate with a girl at this point in the process I think I'd be pretty motivated. When my brain thinks it won't be having sex it's like, fuck this!

I'm also kind of like that. How have I still not got laid mannnnn, fark.

See you tomorrow morning. Very very agitated right now, not certain of the source.

Just go to bed and don't blow shit up for now. Leave the phone upstairs. Read.

Sleep.

Fuck.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 81 clean.

Shocking morning. Hyper-sexual and hyper-pornographic dreams last night. Woke up to basically find myself masturbating. Then I spent the morning playing games on my phone. You can't make this stuff up!

I recognise that this morning and yesterday things have been slipping a little. That's okay, nothing to panic about, I can handle this. Just because things have slipped a little doesn't mean that's going to keep happening. Especially because I'm observing it and will actively deal with it. I mean, I'm the guy who decides whether or not to look at things and whether or not to touch my dick.

Instead of listing a bunch of reasons why things are tough at the moment. I'd rather focus on why I am doing this reboot in the first place. Porn is just nothingness, or if anything, vampiric. It's like with every load you blow to pixels on a screen, you lose more and more of your life force. My energy goes down. My self-confidence goes down. My sense of purpose in life goes down. My respect for myself goes down because I am not following through on the things I want to be doing and instead doing the things I DON'T want to be doing.

I remember previous relapses. Afterwards I was like, that didn't even feel good? The urges and giving in to them felt better than what the urges where urging me to do. It's just hijacked neurochemistry.

There really is nothing for me in porn. I think there's nothing in masturbation for me either, at least for the time being. In previous relapses, masturbation always lead me to relapse, and for that simple reason it's off the table too.

I've come so far. Fuck yeah. And I want to keep going.

The goal for today is to not look at pornography and to not look at any porn-substitutes or "play" porn substitutes in my head. I also need to not touch my dick except when going to the bathroom. I've been playing with my dick on and off this morning and it's really a recipe for disaster.

For the next few weeks I aim to not check into the world on my phone (messages, social media, games, etc) before 11am. It feels pretty ambitious to be saying this given my recent track record but there's no reason why it's not manageable.

See you tonight or tomorrow so that I stay accountable. If I end up in hot water today for whatever reason I'll come here as many times as I need to get through the day clean.

Fuck porn. Fuck the industries that hijack our time and attention.

 

[nothing]

Inspiring to see you make so much progress, brother! I've had those days where after a few good days I felt like I was slipping and in my case I always ended up relapsing. It's good to hear others feel the same way but resist giving in. Gives me something to hope for.

You are absolutely right. We don't have to relapse just because some things in our life are not quite right. We can deal with imperfections. Ride out the petty winds.

 

[cookiemonster]

Inspiring to see you make so much progress, brother! I've had those days where after a few good days I felt like I was slipping and in my case I always ended up relapsing. It's good to hear others feel the same way but resist giving in. Gives me something to hope for.

You are absolutely right. We don't have to relapse just because some things in our life are not quite right. We can deal with imperfections. Ride out the petty winds.

Thanks man. No way am I giving in. I mean, I can't predict the future, but that's my attitude at least.

Fuck porn. There's so much to do in the world, just the fact that it saps so much time and energy is enough to recognise it's not worth it.

Tomorrow morning the goal is to not check into the world before 11am. That means no messages, no social media, no games until 11am.

Going to bed now, see you in the morning.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 82 clean.

Shit morning again. Super sexual dreams and not sure if I woke up masturbating or I was just dreaming. Then I played games on my phone.

We have bad days and we have good days, I've had a few bad days in a row. But I've had good days before, look at this post for example.

Good day today. Good gym session, productive day. Also hung out with a cute girl on campus!

Haven't felt in such a good mood in a long time, I swear it has so much to do with damaged dopamine receptors. I'm starting to feel like I might be healing and beating this thing.

I am not going to get bogged down in feeling sorry for myself. There's half the day left to enjoy. If I manage to excel for the rest of the day it will be a nice circuit breaker in the "slipping up" of the last couple of days. I'll feel good about myself and get some momentum. I owe that to myself.

I've just put a piece of paper on my ceiling above my bed saying "DON'T GO ON THE PHONE IN THE MORNING".

I feel bad and have that nauseous feeling in my stomach which comes from continuously doing the things I don't want to be doing, despite knowing I don't want to do them and saying to myself I won't do them. The only way to feel better is to start making the right decisions.

I will only focus on today for now. I want to plan the rest of my day and have the most enjoyable day I can given my obligations.

Let's not forget the main reason I'm here. I don't want to look at porn and for the time being I also don't want to masturbate because one inevitably leads to the other.

So today I aim to not look at porn, to not think about porn or have sexual thoughts, to not look at any porn-substitute content on the internet and to not touch my dick unless peeing. When I go to sleep tonight I will not entertain sexual thoughts and try to set the intention of not having sexual dreams.

This could be the day when I turn things back around. Start feeling good about myself again and stop losing hours a day to social media and games on my phone. I could saves months of productivity over the course of the year and achieve amazing things. I could get fantastic grades at school, read informative books, make millions of dollars running a business, go to the gym every day and feel great about my consistency and health, have a regular sleep schedule and feel energised instead of tired all the time. This could be the day that I course-correct to the right trajectory. Why not? All I have to do is make the right decisions when the moments of choice arise.

I'm hopeful.

I've overcome many challenges in the last 11-12 weeks and many more challenges throughout the course of my life. I mean, this is pretty easy in the scheme of things. Definitely doable.

Fuck porn. Fuck distractions.

I am going to do my best today.

I will check in tonight or tomorrow morning to make sure I stay accountable.

Let's give myself something to be happy about when I go to bed tonight.

 

[cookiemonster]

Not a perfect day but definitely a step in the right direction. I get to go to bed satisfied with the day.

I have momentum! It only takes one day and you start to feel a bit better again. A few good days and you feel great. Imagine what a few good weeks would feel like!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 83 clean.

Good day. Busy day. Busy days are good for me. I'll try to have more busy days, busy working towards my life's mission kind of days not just busy doing random things kind of days.

I had somewhat sexual dreams last night but not as intense and I woke up with morning wood. I've woken up with morning wood like 3-4 days in a row. The morning woods seem 100% solid but I swear when I was watching porn there would just be even more blood flow to my dick, especially in the head. It was like hyperarousal.

Got some momentum again, wooo! It's that fucking easy, all I had to do was stop self-sabotaging for one and a half days and I feel pretty decent. Not only do I feel pretty decent but I see how I'm one step away from being the person I want to be.

Anyway, no need to be euphoric, I could mess things up just as quickly. If I keep accumulating "making the right decisions at the moment of choice" I will keep moving up. Go to bed or stay up late? Go to bed. Go to the gym or not go to the gym? Go to the gym. Study or watch YouTube? Study.

Now I'm going to go to bed, journal and read. I need to make sure I don't play with my dick and set the intention of not having sexual dreams.

Lately fantasy has creeped into my head, mostly when going to sleep and the rest of my mind has quieted down. Although the fantasy has mostly been about the girl I've been hanging out with. That happened just naturally. I guess that's a good sign in some senses.

See you tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning will mark 12 weeks no PMO, no MO.

Goodnight. Farrkk don't fuck this up. Stay vigilant.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 84 clean. 12 weeks clean.

Very good start this morning. I had a good gym session and didn't get sucked into my phone. My day is planned, I'm tapped into my long term objectives and have a clear idea of what I need to do to have a successful day.

Let's just do it I guess haha. If I manage to achieve success today I'll have some serious momentum and will have achieved focus that I haven't had for a long time. That would be good.

The goal for today as always is to have a porn-free day. No porn, no p-subs, no fantasy and no playing with my dick. I haven't looked at porn for so long but it still scares me how easy it would be to access. I could fuck this up in less than 5 seconds! Crazy. Better not do that.

Fuck porn. Fuck social media. Got to keep putting distance between myself and these vampires to rediscover myself and give myself room to grow. There's no really fixing which I need, in the absence of self-sabotage everything goes well.

See you tomorrow or tonight, keep me accountable.

I can do this! I will do this!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 85 clean.

On the bus so no time.

Porn-free day is the goal. No porn, no psubs, no playing with my dick.

Let's go.

See you tonight or tomorrow.

 

[cookiemonster]

Productive morning but now I've just wasted an hour on youtube after getting home. I'm tired today, a little anxious about assignments and a bit frustrated about my sex life.

No problem. The best course of action doesn't change with how you feel. The best thing I can do for myself today is to follow through on my planned work. I will be better prepared for my assignments and less tired because it will help me have a better sleep.

I might just take a minute to express my gratitude for the support from everyone on this forum. It's a positive community and I think it's great that we all help each other become better versions of ourselves and liberate ourselves from bad habits.

Thinking of all of you fighting in the trenches of everyday life, dealing with responsibilities and overcoming temptations of vice.

Looking forward to finishing this day strong. Will check in this evening and let you all know how it went.

 

[cookiemonster]

Wooooah. I have been doing 100% legitimate research for an assignment and I just stumbled across an extremely triggering softcore pornographic photo of a woman. I stayed longer than I should have, still only a matter of seconds, but I am very triggered.

For the rest of my day I really need to be on my A-game, in every respect, good chance urges will be up and today will be a real challenge. I hope not, but I will be prepared for the worst.

I've come here straight away. I'm going to spend 5 minutes away from my desk.

I will not relapse today. I don't want to jinx myself. Fuck man.

I will post here as many times as I need.

I can do this. I will do this. Just got to get through today and tomorrow will be easier.

 

[cookiemonster]

Going to go to bed now. If I actually do that instead of lingering somewhere online... Remind to self, actually do it as soon as you post this haha... Then it will be a big win.

Almost every day I wake up saying to myself that I wish I had gone to bed earlier.

I can do that right now!

Goodnight. Need to make a point of not playing with my dick. Tonight could be a relapse night if I don't remain vigilant.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 86 clean.

I let myself have a long sleep. Going to bed early + a bit of a sleep in did me good. Also did the gym this morning.

Morning wood again this morning. Almost every day I wake up with morning wood now.

Just got to get through the next 2 days of stress and things will get easier.

Am I going to be clean for 50 years and still get triggered when seeing a pornographic image? Who knows? Who cares right now anyway.

No porn. No porn substitutes. No fantasy. That's the goal for today. I won't touch my dick unless peeing.

See you tonight or tomorrow morning to stay accountable. I will post here as many times as I need to stay on track today.

Fuck porn.