Road to freedom

cookiemonster

cookiemonster

Well-Known Member
Day 5 no PMO.

Just had a huge urge which I almost gave in to. Came here instead. Very tired. Need a good night's rest to build back some willpower.
 
cookiemonster

cookiemonster

Well-Known Member
I unfortunately have relapsed. Back to 0. I haven't had my heart in this like I should.

I will spend some more time reading other people's journals and maybe reading some of my old posts to try to get back into the mindset of committing to quitting porn forever. You can't get through this if you're not fully committed.
 
cookiemonster

cookiemonster

Well-Known Member
Dear Cookie,

You stayed up late last night watching YouTube and PMO'd three times!

Today you have to work.

Your mind feels a little foggy. It's hard to concentrate on one thing and do creative work.

Not only is it hard to concentrate, but also when you're resting or during recreation, it's like the world has less colour.

This isn't just a PMO problem. You're not happy with your life right now. You have lots of potential and have lots of positive things going for you but something isn't right.

But you're often anxious and stressed. Stressed about your relationship with your significant other and thinking that maybe she's not the right one for you.

You haven't been sleeping very well lately. You've been playing video games a lot lately.

You don't like the way your mind feels when it comes down from the high of dopamine, whether that be from YouTube, video games, PMO, sugar or anything else.

You do like the way your mind feels when you've focussed on one thing with intention, gone for a walk without your phone, had a restful sleep, read a book.

Journal more my friend. Be more honest with yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Let's bring some colour back to your life.

From Cookie to Cookie.
 
cookiemonster

cookiemonster

Well-Known Member
I'm not doing well steering clear of pornography at the moment but I'm doing much better at being honest with myself and doing the introspection I need.

I am laying the foundation for a better future.

The better future will come from listening to myself, being honest with myself, being kind to myself but also expecting more from myself.

The better future is not distant, it's right in from of me.

Even just being honest with myself again takes a little weight off my shoulders. I will work to make incremental improvements and find myself in a virtuous cycle rather than a vicious cycle.

Today I can acknowledge the progress in my thinking and vision. I will also acknowledge that the first thing I did this morning is watch videos on line and then PMO.

My habits haven't changed yet. But my ambition for myself is progressing and my habits will catch up.

One small improvement at a time is what will help me at this stage.
 
cookiemonster

cookiemonster

Well-Known Member
I've gone through periods in my life where I was really "on".

I worked very hard and reached difficult-to-achieve goals. My self-esteem was good and I was alive in my spirit.

I have realised that I am at my best when I have some significant self-imposed mountains to conquer and feel like I am on the path to achieving them.

I want to have that feeling again... That feeling that I'm full of potential, and I'm doing everything I can to actualise that potential. That makes me feel so good.

What makes me feel so bad is knowing that I'm full of potential, but feeling like I'm wasting it.

I don't like the feeling that another day of my finite life went by... unlived.

I cried listening to music in the shower this morning because I had a glimpse of what each day used to feel like and I miss it.

I'm going to grow back into a version of Cookie that I can be proud of again. The issue with pornography will take care of itself as it will be incompatible with my identity and I'll have no space in my life it.

I had intimate time with my partner last night and there was no PMO. That makes me one full day clean.
 
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