Amor Fati (Recovery Journal)

Jswizzle

Active Member
Hi man, regarding MO I don't see it as something negative per se. Ideally it is avoided but sometimes it is helpful.

What I am curios is with abstinence from P (which I think we all agree is very negative and damaging) but not abstinence from MO (I see it as neutral, it can be helpful if used wisely but can also very unhelpful). With 100+ days of abstinence are you finding your wife more attractive? Can relate more to your wife? Feel more connected?

I think this might be a good criteria to also evaluate P reboot/rewire process. Less objective that day counting.

EW
Thank you for your thoughts. The sexual intimacy with my wife has improved as I'm able to better maintain erections and feel my libido has improved. Our relationship in general has improved as I find myself less reactive in disagreements as well.

Much of the endavoring in keeping MO in check is to keep accountable as this can lead me back to PMO. Also, I want to utilize the acetic nature of refraining from MO as a spiritual/disciplinary exercise.

I feel that my "recovery" from porn has improved my life in many ways. However motivation to report to RN, read and comment on others journey, and be more articulate in my healing has lagged. I want to recommit myself to doing this as I believe this is important.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and support. Hope you are doing well.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Thursday, April 14 2022
Porn free.

Don't count the days, make the days count. This keeps playing in my head. Lately I have fallen off the recovery bandwagon. Not because I have slipped and watched porn, but because I have not been active in recovery. Haven't shown up with other objectives as part of an active recovery.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Don't count the days, make the days count. This keeps playing in my head. Lately I have fallen off the recovery bandwagon. Not because I have slipped and watched porn, but because I have not been active in recovery. Haven't shown up with other objectives as part of an active recovery.

If you're still abstinent (or getting back up and going for it after a lapse), you've not fallen off the recovery bandwagon in my opinion.

Sure, we can all deepen our recovery efforts- as in my case, taking it from merely abstaining to a more deeper heart-level where real change and transformation can occur.

I'm very proud of your tripple digits.

Just some thoughts to provide in support of your efforts, brother.
 
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Jswizzle

Active Member
Friday, April 15th 2022
Day 118 no porn
Day 2 no MO

Communication

Part of owning our power is learning to communicate clearly, directly, and assertively. We don’t have to beat around the bush in our conversations to control the reactions of others. Guilt-producing comments only produce guilt. We don’t have to fix or take care of people with our words; we can’t expect others to take care of us with words either. We can settle for being heard and accepted. And we can respectfully listen to what others have to say.

Hinting at what we need doesn’t work. Others can’t read our mind, and they’re likely to resent our indirectness. The best way to take responsibility for what we want is to ask for it directly. And, we can insist on directness from others. If we need to say no to a particular request, we can. If someone is trying to control us through a conversation, we can refuse to participate.

Acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication. If we don’t know what we want to say, we can say that too.

We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we don’t have to take people around the block with our conversations. We don’t have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense. We can say what we want and stop when we’re done.

Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others. I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt-producing statements. I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible. And I can be assertive if necessary.

Quoted from the app Language of Letting Go.

Find recovery resources at Hazelden.
 
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Jswizzle

Active Member
Yes - that's something I've been struggling with myself
What kind of things are you thinking about? You mentioned spiritual/disciplinary exercise before - something along those lines?
Stay strong - you said don't count the days, but it still seems you are making amazing progress 💪
I feel that an "active recovery" is one where I am trying to expand or transcend the limits of the person I was when using porn. Changing my values. Essentially doing daily readings on recovery, engaging in good spiritual practices (meditation and prayer), exercise, working on betterment of the relationships with others, reading and commenting on other members posts in RN, etc.

Lately, over the last two months I have found myself coming home from work and playing videogames after putting my daughter to bed. I have really been using online gaming to distract myself. My job has been emotionally taxing and I have been winding down through the dopamine surge I get through competing via gaming. However, I feel a sense of guilt as I have been slacking on the aforementioned items above.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Saturday, April 16th 2022
Day 119 no porn
Day 0 no MO

Gave in to sexual urges with MO this morning.

Letting Things Happen

We do not have to work so hard at gaining our insights. Yes, we’re learning that painful and disappointing things happen, often for a reason and a higher purpose. Yes, these things often work out for good. But we don’t have to spend so much time and energy figuring out the purpose and plan for each detail of our life. That’s hypervigilance!

Sometimes, the car doesn’t start. Sometimes, the dishwasher breaks. Sometimes, we catch a cold. Sometimes, we run out of hot water. Sometimes, we have a bad day. While it helps to achieve acceptance and gratitude for these irritating annoyances, we don’t have to process everything and figure out if it’s in the scheme of things.

Solve the problem. Get the car repaired. Fix the dishwasher. Nurse yourself through the cold. Wait to take the shower until there’s hot water. Nurture yourself through your bad day. Tend to your responsibilities, and don’t take everything so personally!

If we need to recognize a particular insight or awareness, we will be guided in that direction. Certainly, we want to watch for patterns. But often, the big insights and the significant processing happen naturally.

We don’t have to question every occurrence to see how it fits into the Plan. The Plan—the awareness, the insight, the potential for personal growth—will reveal itself to us. Perhaps the lesson is to learn to solve our problems without always knowing their significance. Perhaps the lesson is to trust ourselves to live, and experience, life.

Today, I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will trust my lessons to reveal themselves in their own time.

Quoted from the app Language of Letting Go.

Find recovery resources at Hazelden.
 
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Jswizzle

Active Member
Sunday, April 17th 2022
Day 120 no porn
Day 1 no MO

Been frustrated over the weekend as I have been engaged in intermittent fasting to lose weight. Weigh in Saturday and I gained 6 pounds. Not sure as to why as I have been sticking with the fasting windows and have been diligent. Trying to stay out of the "fuck it" mindset. Tomorrow is the start of a new week. Going to be diligent in following through with IF protocol and watch what foods I'm eating during my feeding windows.

Other than that it has been a great weekend with my wife and daughter. Good time with extended family.

Encountered some triggers today looking at Easter memes. Nothing to graphic, but definitely implying sexual innuendos. However, was able to divert away from them without being curious to explore them any further.

Small victories.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Been frustrated over the weekend as I have been engaged in intermittent fasting to lose weight. Weigh in Saturday and I gained 6 pounds.
Hi man. Maybe the body is trying to communicate something to you? What is your intuition telling you? How does the IF feel to be body?

With myself I am noticing there are periods where IF feels good and periods where it doesn't feel good. I went vegan for a few months but over the winter felt like eating meat. I'll probably go vegan over the summer. I think going vegan makes a whole lot more sense in warm climates than temperate/cold. But anyway. I don't think there is one IF system or one diet system that is "absolute". Changes within the year like with seasons make sense. Different IF/diet for winter than for spring, summer, autumn. Best of luck with the body weight.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Hi man. Maybe the body is trying to communicate something to you? What is your intuition telling you? How does the IF feel to be body?

With myself I am noticing there are periods where IF feels good and periods where it doesn't feel good. I went vegan for a few months but over the winter felt like eating meat. I'll probably go vegan over the summer. I think going vegan makes a whole lot more sense in warm climates than temperate/cold. But anyway. I don't think there is one IF system or one diet system that is "absolute". Changes within the year like with seasons make sense. Different IF/diet for winter than for spring, summer, autumn. Best of luck with the body weight.
Thank you for your thoughts. When I reflect on what my body is trying to tell me I feel that I have been pushing too hard to lose the weight. I feel like I need to work on other holistic aspects of myself and find balance. For example, getting back to the basics of self-care in reducing stress that compounds over my work week. Meditating, stretching, and getting adequate sleep would go a long ways.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Tuesday, April 19th 2022
Day 122 no porn
Day 0 no MO

MO again this morning. Feeling frustrated. I keep telling myself I don't want to engage in MO for the satisfaction of feeling disciplined or spiritual. Yet, I keep relapsing with it.

My mind keeps telling me that it "isn't a big deal." "I don't need to report about it." "Everyone does it."

I do need to report it. I do need to take it seriously. Tired of feeling disappointed.

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April 22nd

THE MARKS OF A RATIONAL PERSON

“These are the characteristics of the rational soul: self-awareness, self-examination, and self-determination. It reaps its own harvest. . . . It succeeds in its own purpose . . .”—M ARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.1– 2

To be rational today, we have to do just three things: First, we must look inward. Next, we must examine ourselves critically. Finally, we must make our own decisions— uninhibited by biases or popular notions.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thanks for the stoic quotes Jswizzle. I always love reading them. And nice job with 122 days porn free. In regards to MO, I know you once set a goal of going a full week without MO, and you accomplished that smashingly, maybe you could set a goal for two weeks for your next challenge? I know for myself, setting goals really gets me motivated.

Either way, you're doing great man.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Proud of you for the abstinence from PMO, or P, Jswizzle!

I know this place of MO, too. You can and will gain the mastery over it! I like the goal idea of Blondie, as that's helped me overall. Study what leads to it, what thoughts justify it, or how you're feeling leading up to it. Is it 'triggered' by anything? Come up with a plan to tackle it, small goals at first, and then reward yourself- even if it's a week or two weeks abstaining.

You got this, brother!
 
I feel like I need to work on other holistic aspects of myself and find balance. For example, getting back to the basics of self-care in reducing stress that compounds over my work week. Meditating, stretching, and getting adequate sleep would go a long ways.
Really like this holistic approach to recovery - definitely a lot I need to work on there too
Amazing work getting to 123 days porn-free! Great to see you doing so well 💪
Thank you also for your recent support too - I really appreciate it
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Saturday, April 23rd 2022
Day 126 no porn
Day 4 no MO

Grateful today for time I got to spend with my wife and daughter. Grateful my wife and I are employed and able to provide for our little family. Grateful for speaking with my grandparents on the phone today.
 
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