Hello,
It's been a while since I've been on here. Feeling conflicted and shameful. Good indicator that the addict that lies within is alive and well.
Just want to check in and report relapse.
Despite being unsuccessful in being able to find porn all the behaviors that go along with "jonesing" are there. The truth is I have been seeking out porn since last night but my efforts have not been fruitful. An inconvenient blessing I guess.
I have set up so many digital buffers in being able to access porn that the process of seeking it out has been extremely difficult.
I got on the RN blog and started reading success stories which has been helpful in being able to collect myself.
Reflecting over the last few months, I have been increasingly going into the "yellow zone" of relapse behavior. Drawing pornographic pictures, MO at work, fantasizing, trying to find adult channels/content on Roku are mostly the culprits.
Looking underneath the behavior for emotional triggers I'm finding feelings of disconnection from my spouse, elevated stress from work/ burnout, financial stress, and feelings of inadequacy with being a good companion.
My wife has been more critical of me lately. Trying to separate the affective overtone of her feedback/criticism from kernals of truth regarding the dysfunction of my behavior. Sucks. My feelings are hurt by what she says, but there's truth to her criticism.
Her criticism of me isn't about acting out or seeking porn. Her criticism is more about her not having enough support with household chores.
It's hurtful not being able to communicate with her and her empathize with me. I try to explain how I'm feeling but her defense goes up and I get more criticism.