Amor Fati (Recovery Journal)

Jswizzle

Active Member
Monday, June 6th 2022
Day 167 no porn
Day 0 no MO

Slipped this morning with MO.

Lately, I have been more irritable than usual. Taking some steps to better my mental health. The number one culprit I'm going to work on is not watching the news. I have been too obsessed with "fear porn" a.k.a the news. It's seriously been a thing. Seems like I must know what's going on with the economy, potential for the Dollar to collapse, gas prices, stock market, prepping for upcoming food shortages, etc.

I must remember I don't have control over any of this bullshit. Nothing. All I have control over is how I respond when bad things happen. I'm only subjecting myself to living in a hypervigilant and fearful state when I watch the news. Tired of it. Tired of living in fear.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Tuesday, June 8th 2022
Day 168 no porn
Day 0 no MO

Again this morning with the MO. Morning glory=MO. Need to change morning routine as the former mentioned is the pattern. Wake up somewhat lucid with a erection and leads to MO. Don't feel it's detrimental to my porn recovery as it once was. Want to work on this habit though as I think I can utilize the energy somewhere productive.

Grateful I got to spend quality time with my daughter today as my wife worked.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Monday, June 13th 2022
Day 173 no porn
Day 0 no MO

I have been struggling a lot with MO over the past five days. At least once daily. However, I have not struggled with wanting to use porn (thankfully). There have been times where there has been low temptation. Probably the craving was 3 to 4 out of 10 and I have been able to distract out of the craving.

Feeling motivated as I want to go into "monk mode" and work on myself. This means abstain from MO, get back into daily meditation, start exercising, and clean up my diet.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Sunday, June 19th 2022
Day 179 no porn

Happy Father's Day!

Just wanted to check in as it has been a while since I have been on the forum. Six days. Today I was scrolling my Facebook feed and found a friend recommend. I have been using it lately for professional networking. It was a female and I clicked on her feed. Very pornographic.

I clicked off right away and blocked her feed. I then got on my Stay Focused app for my android and blocked FB. Lastly, I want to hold myself accountable and report it here.

I don't consider it a lapse or relapse. I did make a mistake in clicking on her feed in the friend recommend as she was attractive and I was genuinely curious.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Hello!
It has been a while since I have been on the forum. I'm grateful to still be porn free. I think I'm over 200 days. By far the longest time I have ever been in my life since I was 13 years old.
Since my last post there have been times I have faced temptation. I even searched something on my phone using the internet but it was blocked because of the apps I have installed on my phone. It wasn't pornographic per se, but did have sexual innuendos rooted in sexual curiosity. However, after the content I was searching was blocked the obsession ceased and I caught myself before spiraling any further.

I'm feeling guilty and shameful as I have not been doing anything as far as a recovery program. Meaning I have been neglecting self-care all aspects of my life. Wanting to change this.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I'm feeling guilty and shameful as I have not been doing anything as far as a recovery program. Meaning I have been neglecting self-care all aspects of my life. Wanting to change this.

Hi, Jswizzle! Great intentions on wanting to refocus on self-care and your recovery program. But be careful of feeling guilty or shameful, as this tends to undermine our overall efforts. You can research the term 'Abstinence Violation Effect' (AVE) and see how it can adversely affect us.

The point of the matter, concerning the little slip, is that you brought it under control- not that things are perfect as that's not typically reflective of recovery anyway.

You're doing great, and making progress- even if not purposely 'working a program', because you're abstaining, life itself will work itself out and healing will occur.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Hello,
It's been a while since I've been on here. Feeling conflicted and shameful. Good indicator that the addict that lies within is alive and well.

Just want to check in and report relapse.

Despite being unsuccessful in being able to find porn all the behaviors that go along with "jonesing" are there. The truth is I have been seeking out porn since last night but my efforts have not been fruitful. An inconvenient blessing I guess.
I have set up so many digital buffers in being able to access porn that the process of seeking it out has been extremely difficult.

I got on the RN blog and started reading success stories which has been helpful in being able to collect myself.

Reflecting over the last few months, I have been increasingly going into the "yellow zone" of relapse behavior. Drawing pornographic pictures, MO at work, fantasizing, trying to find adult channels/content on Roku are mostly the culprits.

Looking underneath the behavior for emotional triggers I'm finding feelings of disconnection from my spouse, elevated stress from work/ burnout, financial stress, and feelings of inadequacy with being a good companion.

My wife has been more critical of me lately. Trying to separate the affective overtone of her feedback/criticism from kernals of truth regarding the dysfunction of my behavior. Sucks. My feelings are hurt by what she says, but there's truth to her criticism.

Her criticism of me isn't about acting out or seeking porn. Her criticism is more about her not having enough support with household chores.

It's hurtful not being able to communicate with her and her empathize with me. I try to explain how I'm feeling but her defense goes up and I get more criticism.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Friday, August 12 2022

I relapsed tonight. Full PMO. Viewed on my game console. Feeling pretty shitty. Got caught up in the "obsession." Triggered as I was shopping on Amazon. A scantily dressed female triggered me while browsing the website. Got caught up in the surge of dopamine in the search. Left browsing from the cell phone to using the web of the game console.
Wife and kid were asleep.

Went on and bought $40 web filter to block me from using the web off the console again.

Had the longest streak of no porn ever in my life. Trying to push forward
 

SimonM

Active Member
I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. But remember, right now it's just one bad day in over 200 good ones. Don't let this setback lead to a bunch of acting out. Just continue the way you've been going all year. Move forward not back. Why did you fail? Maybe in the answer to that you can find some solutions for success? Stay strong brother!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear this Jswissle.

Had the longest streak of no porn ever in my life. Trying to push forward
This is what must be remembered, and I would suggest you remind yourself everyday until it gets stuck in your head.

You are NOT the man you use to be. Period. Yes, you tripped up and fell, however, you are not same man.

Say if your next streak is another 200 something days, that means you've be porn-free for over a year! This is who you really are now, not the one day you screwed up.

Don't forget this!

Keep killing it.
 
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