Amor Fati (Recovery Journal)

Jswizzle

Active Member
Tuesday, January 5th, 2021
Day 18- no porn

Feeling tired, sluggish, and sick. Plan on posting more tomorrow.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Thursday, January 6th, 2022
Day 19 no porn

Holy shit! I just realized that I have been so sick I haven't kept track of my days. Yesterday was Wednesday, January 5th 2022. Maybe the covid 19 brain fog is a real thing?

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better today. Less sick. I have been supplementing with vitamin C, zinc, tumeric/circumin, and Nigella Sativa (black cumin seed). Seems to be helpful. Been downing a gallon of water as well.

I haven't been tempted today to view porn. However, my weakness usually comes late at night after my wife and daughter go to bed.

I have incorporated buffers to lean against to help me break this behavior pattern. One is posting in RN. Other buffers are reading, painting, listening to podcasts, playing online chess, and meditation. I have attached daily goals I have been working on doing for a while now through the "Habit Now" app.

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I want to change and not live in secrecy anymore. I want to be integral and not deceive those around me. I lie a lot. It's one of my biggest character defects. Even more so than porn, I believe this is a root cause of dysfunctional thinking that leads to porn use and other addictions as well. I value genuineness, integrity, honesty and trust. I have not lived that way. I want to change this.

I have slipped the last few days and masturbated even though this is one of the things I want to abstain on. It's been in the morning with my erections coming back with more consistency.

I have lied in my profession in order to relate to others. I have lied to my wife for years about the breadth and depth of my porn use. Only admitting to some of the truth of my use when I accidentally get caught. I have lied to others and embellished stories as a manipulation to build relationships with them rather than admit the true nature of things.

I want to change.
 

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Jswizzle

Active Member
Saturday, January 8th, 2022
Day 21- no porn

Feeling better today physically. However, sense of taste and smell are gone. Anyway, no temptation today to engage in pornography use.

I have been thinking a lot regarding what's necessary to change in regard to ceasing pornography use. My character needs to change in addition to the pornography use ceasing. I want to develop discipline.

Reading from the SAA big book tonight, I was reminded of the mindset regarding victims mentality. Many times I have allowed myself to have a victim's mentality which leads to a sense of entitlement that the world owes me something. The sense of entitlement that I speak of is a kind of self righteous justification for being dishonest.

One of the things that victimhood has provided me in the past is sympathy from others. Victimhood is ultimately self-seeking in its nature. An unhealthy way, a passive way to get emotional or relational needs met.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Glad you're feeling better today. You're doing the right things. And yes, this whole journey is really about self-reflection, and looking at the man in the mirror, not in hatred, but with total honesty. Keep it up.
 
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Jswizzle

Active Member
Sunday, January 9th, 2022
Day 22 no porn

Today has been a mixed day emotionally. My sister-in-law has been having heart complications which has greatly affected my wife. She is scared, overwhelmed, and feels helpless regarding my sister-in-law.

I find myself feeling guilty because I haven't been emotionally available for my wife. Since I've come down with the covid-19 virus I have been pent up in my house with my wife and 4-year-old daughter. My daughter has been really needy for my wife and i's attention. My interactions with both my wife and daughter have been short as I have been irritable today.

Yesterday was my father's birthday. He passed in 2019. I miss him.

Another one of the goals I am working on right now is no media or social media. I think it's extremely toxic for my mental health. One of the things that I'm experiencing is loneliness. I feel this is a potential outgrowth from limiting my exposure to social media.
 
Good going bro!
Keep up the good work
I have read all your posts. Almost everyone here has had this inner guilt and shame, this split personality in which we try to maintain the facade of "the nice young man" to the world, while we cry behind closed doors realising who we are and what shit we do with our lives.

But this forum and the bravehearts such as Gary Wilson, Gabe Deem and Noah Church are my real superheroes.
For letting us realise that we are not alone
For letting us hope and dream of a porn-free life
For allowing us to help each other on the path to recovery, a true brotherhood

And the key here is to keep journalling, keep interacting with each other, continuously offering words of hope and encouragement and offering practical advice to newcomers.

We shall all one day taste true independence!
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Tuesday, January 11th 2022
Day 24- no porn

I've had great day today without temptation to use porn. Yesterday was a good day as well.
I'm feeling a lot of gratitude and support as I've read others posts and responses to my posts.

Work for me has been really fulfilling over the last few days and I feel I have made a difference.

Coming home last night and tonight I've had really good interactions with my wife and daughter. My spouse and I have really been getting along well which is nice. Since engaging in abstaining from porn I have been treating my wife better. Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed myself being less irritable and passive-aggressive in my interactions with her.

I I've noticed myself slipping in some areas of goals I have set for myself. Since getting sick with covid I've noticed myself not doing meditation which is part of my daily recovery. I want to hold myself accountable and re commit to this practice starting tonight.

God, please allow me to develop the virtue I need to endure and overcome my shortcomings. Please help me to be strong to relieve myself of ego and self will. I surrender myself in accordance with your will. Thank you for my life.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Thursday, January 13th 2022
Day 26 no porn

Today has went well. It has been a long week in regard to my work. Tonight I come home and put my daughter to bed with my wife. Afterward we made love and that went really well as performance was better than it has been in a while. Leads to further motivation to keep doing what I'm doing in abstaining from pornography. Not just abstaining, but recovering.

However, due to the heavy emotional toll that my work has taken on me this last week I have not been able to proceed in doing introspective work in regard to my recovery. I am planning on doing work over the weekend regarding reading and reflection on external and internal triggers which lead to craving.

My heart is heavy tonight as there appears to be a lot of suffering and hardship of people around me. It seems like the world has went batshit crazy. However on that same token I am very blessed.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thursday, January 13th 2022
Day 26 no porn

Today has went well. It has been a long week in regard to my work. Tonight I come home and put my daughter to bed with my wife. Afterward we made love and that went really well as performance was better than it has been in a while. Leads to further motivation to keep doing what I'm doing in abstaining from pornography. Not just abstaining, but recovering.

However, due to the heavy emotional toll that my work has taken on me this last week I have not been able to proceed in doing introspective work in regard to my recovery. I am planning on doing work over the weekend regarding reading and reflection on external and internal triggers which lead to craving.

My heart is heavy tonight as there appears to be a lot of suffering and hardship of people around me. It seems like the world has went batshit crazy. However on that same token I am very blessed.
You're doing great Jswizzle! I'm glad you had a good night with your lady. Keep it up, it is always better on this side!
 
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