Thursday, January 6th, 2022
Day 19 no porn
Holy shit! I just realized that I have been so sick I haven't kept track of my days. Yesterday was Wednesday, January 5th 2022. Maybe the covid 19 brain fog is a real thing?
Anyway, I'm feeling a little better today. Less sick. I have been supplementing with vitamin C, zinc, tumeric/circumin, and Nigella Sativa (black cumin seed). Seems to be helpful. Been downing a gallon of water as well.
I haven't been tempted today to view porn. However, my weakness usually comes late at night after my wife and daughter go to bed.
I have incorporated buffers to lean against to help me break this behavior pattern. One is posting in RN. Other buffers are reading, painting, listening to podcasts, playing online chess, and meditation. I have attached daily goals I have been working on doing for a while now through the "Habit Now" app.
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I want to change and not live in secrecy anymore. I want to be integral and not deceive those around me. I lie a lot. It's one of my biggest character defects. Even more so than porn, I believe this is a root cause of dysfunctional thinking that leads to porn use and other addictions as well. I value genuineness, integrity, honesty and trust. I have not lived that way. I want to change this.
I have slipped the last few days and masturbated even though this is one of the things I want to abstain on. It's been in the morning with my erections coming back with more consistency.
I have lied in my profession in order to relate to others. I have lied to my wife for years about the breadth and depth of my porn use. Only admitting to some of the truth of my use when I accidentally get caught. I have lied to others and embellished stories as a manipulation to build relationships with them rather than admit the true nature of things.
I want to change.