Amor Fati (Recovery Journal)

[Jswizzle]

Sunday, January 16th 2022
Day 29 no porn

Didn't think I would have that much to say tonight, but after I posted I feel like I need to speak some truth. I haven't used porn since I've been posting and I'm proud of that. However, since my wife and I made love approximately a week ago, I have struggled with masturbation. It hasn't been daily but I have engaged in the act three times since we've had sex this last time. Usually some nonsensical sexual fantasy with some female I come across in my daily endeavors. I promised myself I'd be rigorously honest and I have been avoiding that for the last 3 or 4 days.

I have been giving myself justification in that I minimize that it's a normal act for a healthy male to engage in. Also my ego has gotten in the way as I have not wanted to admit that I have been engaging in masturbation because I have been doing so well with not using porn. I know it's this kind of mindset and self-deception that leads me back down the rabbit hole of porn use. I'm tired of lying to myself.

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I would like to try a new thing. I have got a book I have had for a while that I would like to institute in regard to my journaling on RN. The book is "No More Mr Nice Guy, The 30 Day Recovery Journal."

Day 1: If it frightens you, do it.

One of the journal questions for this day is "Name Three Things that Scare You."

1. Getting old. I'm afraid of growing old and my body and mind becoming feeble. As I have gotten older I have seen my grandparents age and their health decline. My father passed away in 2019 and he had early signs of Parkinson's disease. My father-in-law had a prostectomy having his prostate completely removed. It was a shit show of a process that changed his life.

2. Anticipation of the future. Change in general.

3. Watching my daughter grow up and make the same shitty mistakes that I have.

 

[hamilton8]

well done mate! honesty and transperency is the way here! good on you for journalling that you mastrubate.... and love the no more mr nice guy! well done....do something that scares you...i like it! thats where growth comes.......the thing that scares me most is approaching/dating a woman that i can see myself having an ever after with....i keep on having flings with woman that i know will be dead ends!. this is what scares me having a happy ever after........good luck mate! i will be following your journey!

 

[rebootingyogi]

Appreciate your honesty. I am sure you will overcome the MO too.

P.S.:
Doing something that scares you will only work and transform your life if it actually adds value to your life or helps you become a better, more creative human being than you are right now.
For example, you mentioned you are scared of Parkinson's coz your dad got it. How do you beat that? By engaging in both physical and mental exercise, activities that stimulate both brain and body. Also caffeine and green tea are supposed to help. But there is no scientifically proven prevention technique as yet!

But doing the above will improve your overall health. So it's worth doing it.

But another scenario: Assume you are a computer geek, not predisposed to adventure sports, and you are scared of heights. Someone suggests you do bungee jumping to overcome that fear. Now, there is a real risk of falling to your death. Plus, in what way will it really change your life if you were never interested in doing any adventure sports?
But if you are scared of establishing your own software startup, bingo! That's a fear to be overcome, because you have trained your entire life in that field, you have the necessary skills to achieve it. What's holding you back here is not fear of death, but fear of failure. Will the startup grow to become a big business, making you rich and prosperous? Yes it could!

 

[Blondie]

Nice job man, you're really giving this shit hell! Telling the truth is very important, especially to yourself, which seems crazy to think about (why would it be so hard to tell the truth to yourself?) but it is what it is.

I also love that book, and have been rereading again this month! I think many problems of us porn users (not all) could stem from the issues that that book addresses. Quitting porn is really just the beginning! But... one step at a time. You got this!

 

[Jswizzle]

Monday, January 17th 2022
Day 30 no porn

Meaningful and productive day at work today. I come home this evening my wife and daughter are happy to see me. Heart full of gratitude right now. Helped put my daughter to bed. Going to edit this post a little bit later to add my No More Mr Nice Guy journaling stuff. It's part of my daily goals to at least post once a day and comment on someone else's journey. Can't do this alone. I'm powerless over my own willpower alone to conquer this addiction.
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Day 2 No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

What are you settling for in your life? What beliefs do you have that keep you settling? For example: I’m not worth the extra effort. What has made you successful in some areas, but kept you settling in others?

Some of the beliefs that I have about myself is that I'm not worthwhile or that I'm inadequate. I'm not smart enough and I'm dumb. It's like a constant chip on my shoulder. On one hand, these beliefs have driven me to learn more and seek to be more intellectual. I have degrees, have excelled in sports, and have been very controlling with my personal finances which have kept me out of debt.

On the other hand, these beliefs have kept me from taking risks in my interpersonal relationships and I close myself off. I find it hard to instill trust in other people. Even my spouse, because if I allow myself to be too close and too vulnerable I will be hurt.

I find myself settling for many things as I want to be perceived as "an easy-going guy." However, this mindset has brought a lot of resentment into my life as I don't advocate for my true wants and wishes. I don't want to be perceived as selfish. I lack assertiveness.

I want to endeavor in changing these beliefs about myself. I want to take the risk of opening my own business one day. I want to be more assertive to express my wishes because I have value, not to avoid that uncomfortability of conflict.

 

[Jswizzle]

Tuesday, January 18th 2022
Day 31 no porn
No M today either


Struggling today with a lot of mixed emotions. Resentment, anger, hurt, grief is primarily what is coming up for me. I'm currently grieving for my mother and having feelings of guilt for not being a better son. My mother is currently staying in my grandparents trailer which is barely functional as my sister and her family who lives with her has covid-19. My grandparents are staying with my aunt as they are very old and feeble unable to take care of themselves. Because of their feeble condition they went to stay with my aunt approximately 3 to 4 months ago.

I feel guilty as I don't want my mother to be lonely as she is living in a trailer that's barely functional trying to stay away from catching covid. I'm unable to go and get her this time due to my work schedule and daughter's school obligations. Although I have been talking to my mother via phone call almost daily since she has been staying at my grandparents trailer. My father passed away in 2019.

I'm torn between wanting to bring my mother up to live with me and knowing what I will do to my wife and I's relationship. My mother can be very needy as she is physically disabled and hard of hearing. When she has come to visit in the past and stayed for a length time, it stresses my wife out which creates tension in our marriage.

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Day 3 No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

Do you have a belief that you should put others first? What happens when you do this? Do you remember a time when you felt like you put everyone else first? What happened? What are some ways you have been passive-aggressive?

Yes I do have a belief that I need to put others first, especially my wife and daughter. I do not only do this monetarily or materialistically, I do it in terms time spent with my family. For example, there are times that I would like to go work out or exercise and I do not because I feel guilty. It's the same if I want to spend time with friends as well. I find that I then build resentment and do act out passive aggressively.

My passive aggressive behaviors usually take the form of sarcasm toward my wife. I will then gaslight her when she becomes upset and minimize the sarcasm that I used framing the scenario that she is being too sensitive.

I also know that I commit passive aggressive micro aggressions when I drive. These usually take the form of driving too slowly in front of people, or taking a lot longer to merge into a lane then what's necessary.

 

[Deleted member 26092]

My passive aggressive behaviors usually take the form of sarcasm toward my wife. I will then gaslight her when she becomes upset and minimize the sarcasm that I used framing the scenario that she is being too sensitive.

That reminds me of me. In general, I often feel intellectually superior to others. I use my sarcasm to make myself look good and others look bad. It's not something I actively do, nor am I proud of it. It destroys relationships. One of the biggest benefits of NoFap for me is that I become a calm person who is very accepting of others. I remember one night with friends last year, I met a very extroverted guy with whom I had great conversations. At the end he told me in front of everyone that I was a very intelligent and good conversationalist. At that time I was on my 30th or 40th NoFap day and I was surprised by this compliment because all I did was listen quietly and comment accurately.

 

[Jswizzle]

Wednesday, January 19th 2022
Day 32 no porn
No M

I have found myself getting triggered lately meaning that craving for porn consumption has elevated. The first trigger was last night as I was watching some YouTube videos. However I was able to distract myself and keep myself occupied without caving in to using porn. The second trigger occurred this evening as my wife and I were watching a TV show with implied sexual themes. Currently I'm finding it helpful to be able to express this in this forum. My cravings to use porn were probably six out of 10. As I'm writing this cravings have went down to two out of 10. I am very grateful I have this outlet.
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Day 4 No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, YOU WILL HANDLE IT

How has anxiety been a part of your Nice Guy behavior? Think of a time when you were unable to handle a situation. What happened? Is there a situation in your life that you have been avoiding? What is it and what will you do?

Anxiety is definitely a part of my nice guy behavior. One of the behaviors I do driven by anxiety and fear is approval seeking. I will usually do this by posting content on social media that on the surface appears intellectual, profound, or enlightening. I feel like I deceive myself by thinking it's so virtuous or altruistic that it could help other people. When, in reality, all it truly is is virtue signaling. I post the content to really express myself to get approval from others. A little thumbs up or a heart indicating that people have seen it.

In regard to not being able to handle a situation, what comes to the forefront of my mind is not being honest with my wife about my sexual behaviors by using pornography. I'm honestly scared shitless to be honest with her about the exact nature of my pornography use. I'm scared of how she'll react. I'm scared of hurting her. Because throughout the entirety of my 17-year marriage I have kept this huge secret.

Having worked spiritual 12-step programs that has been a foundation to help me through other addictions, I know my secrets will keep me sick. I also know that trust is foundational in relationships to obtain true emotional intimacy. However, I'm conflicted.

Step 9 reads:
"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
I feel in this instance telling her the exact nature of my wrongs would deeply injure her.
Perhaps this is my intellectualized moral justification for continuing to hide the truth?

Much of what I'm doing and posting in this forum is correlational to working the steps of spiritual 12-step program. Admitting I have a problem, admitting I'm powerless over the problem, taking moral inventory of my behavior, discussing my behavior with others by posting on the forum, seeing the exact nature of my wrongs for what they are, and taking a daily inventory.

Perhaps the amends process in regard to the work on myself regarding my pornography problem is part of a safe amends process to my wife?
Much of the work I'm doing here is driven by not wanting to lead a double life anymore. Much of it is driven by wanting to be a better husband and a better father.

Right now, I find it unfathomable to discuss my pornography problem with my wife. I need more time, more healing.

It's currently unfathomable to put a timestamp on a disclosure date of my pornography used to my wife. However, it's my intention to do so but strikes deep fear to the core of who I am.

 

[jberg]

I feel in this instance telling her the exact nature of my wrongs would deeply injure her.

You are wise to hold off on this until you feel that it would not injure her. Of course, this is not a step to take without consulting with a sponsor or someone who has already done this himself.

 

[Phineas 808]

Step 9 reads:
"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
I feel in this instance telling her the exact nature of my wrongs would deeply injure her.
Perhaps this is my intellectualized moral justification for continuing to hide the truth?

Hi, Jswizzle! It may be something that you needn't and even shouldn't do. This will contradict what many will say, but most women aren't equipped to handle our truth, or to handle our uniquely 'male struggle' (yes, I know there's women out there who struggle, too).

I've been struggling to overcome sexually related addictions in various forms for many years now, and my telling my wife the 'exact nature of my wrongs', thinking that I was going to make 'direct amends' to the one I hurt, instead such disclosures almost ended our marriage, twice!

My thinking, if one is following the steps, is that step 5 says, "...to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs", I feel that this ought to be another male who you deeply trust with such sensitive information.

Step 8, you're making amends with your wife, yourself and your family now, by overcoming these addictions- whether or not they know it.

Step 9, making 'direct amends', in most cases, would injure our wife if we told her.

There are blessed exceptions, women who would understand as far as possible, and stand with us in this fight. But more often than not, our wanting to confess this to them is only to relieve our own guilty consciences. Yes, we will feel much lighter afterward, but our wife will feel devastated, their world will just come to a screeching halt, and the man they thought they knew they don't- everything about you will then be brought into question! The marriage could end.

As men, we got ourselves into this mess, we alone can get ourselves out. This is true anyway, so why bring such pain to one's wife? It is enough that we are living the truth, even if we don't always divulge our secrets. Living a lie is another story, that's trying to have our cake and eat it too.

Hope this helps, brother.

 

[Blondie]

This will contradict what many will say, but most women aren't equipped to handle our truth, or to handle our uniquely 'male struggle' (yes, I know there's women out there who struggle, too).

I really disagree with this sentiment on so many levels, though I must be clear, I'm not suggesting you have to tell your wife Jswizzle. That in the end, is completely up to you. Further, whatever you decide, I can respect.

However, this whole idea that women are just not "equipped" or are just too weak to handle our truth, is just crap. In fact, it perpetuates us men's problems, because the very person we should be able to talk to, we don't. What's the point of a relationship, if it's not based on a semblance of truth? When us men tell our girlfriends and wives the truth, and they happen to leave us, or they are devastated, that is not because they are "weak" or "unequipped" to handle the truth, but because us men were too weak to tell them the truth in the first place, or, to deal with our own bullshit. Dose she have a right to know the truth? Hell yes she does, she's spent years with you thinking she knows you, when in fact, there is much she has no clue of. Does she need to hear every last detail? No, but it should be all the truth in general: how long, how many times, etc.

But speaking of a people who aren't equipped to handle the truth, have you ever seen a man get cheated on by his girlfriend or wife? The sight is a terrible and pitiable experience to behold when a man finds out the real truth of his beloved. He suddenly finds out that she was not what he thought she was, and his whole world has been turned upside down. What's funny though is that none of us here would ever say that the man couldn't handle the "truth" of his girlfriend, because that would be ridiculous. And if he decided to leave the relationship or was severely depressed by the truth , we also wouldn't say "He just wasn't equipped to handle the truth!" He, like any women in a relationship with us, has every right to pack up his bags and get the fuck out (even if you have kids), it's just as simple as that. Speaking for myself, if my girlfriend was fucking some dude behind my back, looking at sex cams, had a online gambling addiction (fill in the blank because it doesn't really matter) I would want to know, and I have every right to know. Why? Because life is too short to put up with other people's bullshit, much less your own. If these facts are true then I have every right to know, so I can make a proper decision on what to do. I say this as that guy who last year looked at sex cams and came clean to my wonderful girlfriend almost four months ago.

Is it true, that some women have a puritanical view of sex, and are just utterly clueless in regards to what temptations us men face on a daily basis, absolutely. And it's also true that they will have a harder time understanding our shit than say, other women. However, these women still have a right, just as we all do, to know what their boyfriends and husbands are up to, and if they happen to leave us because of it, that's on us, not them.

But to me, a relationship is about truth and honor, and not just about making it "work" (whether for religious reasons, children, pride, fear of honesty etc.). When I told my girlfriend what I had done four months ago, I knew going in it was going to be hell on earth, and let me tell you, it was. But I had decided beforehand that no matter what happened, truth was more important than our relationship, and also, I knew she deserved to hear the truth. I might add, my shame of not telling her was making me relapse so that sure as hell wasn't fixing anything!

Just my two cents, either way you're putting this porn shit behind you, and that is a great decision!

Addendum: I realize my situation is not yours and I hope you know that. Obviously, I'm not married or have a daughter, nor was my one year of secrecy as long as your years of secrecy. These facts of yours are completely different than mine, so maybe there's different ways of going about it. I was just letting you know how I see the world coming from my own perspective, which is all any man can ever do.

You're on the right track for sure.

 

[Phineas 808]

Addendum: I realize my situation is not yours and I hope you know that. Obviously, I'm not married or have a daughter, nor was my one year of secrecy as long as your years of secrecy. These facts of yours are completely different than mine, so maybe there's different ways of going about it. I was just letting you know how I see the world coming from my own perspective, which is all any man can ever do.

That's the thing. You do make several valid points above, Blondie- and I appreciate your input.

What I say above is to be considered according to one's specific and (highly) individual point of view and circumstances. There are also degrees of culpability where secrecy may do more harm than good, such as actual (physical) cheating or adultery with another person. Your spouse definitely has the right to know these things, consequences be damned.

For the not being equipped, I do view women as equal but in need of our protection as men. They are in every way our equal, and often times our better, but I'm simply bringing up the fundamental differences between men and women which doesn't render one 'better' nor superior to the other, but complimentary opposites. It's in that vein I mention these things. Many know this to be true from experience.

Regardless, we all have different perspectives and backgrounds, and not one way is right. As I said, 'blessed' are the women who can stand with us in our fight, but as men, we shouldn't expect them to, and how many have been crushed by our selfish act to relieve our own consciences, and often times leave them holding the bag.

 

[Jswizzle]

You are wise to hold off on this until you feel that it would not injure her. Of course, this is not a step to take without consulting with a sponsor or someone who has already done this himself.

Thank you brother. I appreciate your input on this.

 

[Jswizzle]

You are wise to hold off on this until you feel that it would not injure her. Of course, this is not a step to take without consulting with a sponsor or someone who has already done this himself.

Thank you brother. I appreciate your input on this

This will contradict what many will say, but most women aren't equipped to handle our truth, or to handle our uniquely 'male struggle' (yes, I know there's women out there who struggle, too).

I really disagree with this sentiment on so many levels, though I must be clear, I'm not suggesting you have to tell your wife Jswizzle. That in the end, is completely up to you. Further, whatever you decide, I can respect.

However, this whole idea that women are just not "equipped" or are just too weak to handle our truth, is just crap. In fact, it perpetuates us men's problems, because the very person we should be able to talk to, we don't. What's the point of a relationship, if it's not based on a semblance of truth? When us men tell our girlfriends and wives the truth, and they happen to leave us, or they are devastated, that is not because they are "weak" or "unequipped" to handle the truth, but because us men were too weak to tell them the truth in the first place, or, to deal with our own bullshit. Dose she have a right to know the truth? Hell yes she does, she's spent years with you thinking she knows you, when in fact, there is much she has no clue of. Does she need to hear every last detail? No, but it should be all the truth in general: how long, how many times, etc.

But speaking of a people who aren't equipped to handle the truth, have you ever seen a man get cheated on by his girlfriend or wife? The sight is a terrible and pitiable experience to behold when a man finds out the real truth of his beloved. He suddenly finds out that she was not what he thought she was, and his whole world has been turned upside down. What's funny though is that none of us here would ever say that the man couldn't handle the "truth" of his girlfriend, because that would be ridiculous. And if he decided to leave the relationship or was severely depressed by the truth , we also wouldn't say "He just wasn't equipped to handle the truth!" He, like any women in a relationship with us, has every right to pack up his bags and get the fuck out (even if you have kids), it's just as simple as that. Speaking for myself, if my girlfriend was fucking some dude behind my back, looking at sex cams, had a online gambling addiction (fill in the blank because it doesn't really matter) I would want to know, and I have every right to know. Why? Because life is too short to put up with other people's bullshit, much less your own. If these facts are true then I have every right to know, so I can make a proper decision on what to do. I say this as that guy who last year looked at sex cams and came clean to my wonderful girlfriend almost four months ago.

Is it true, that some women have a puritanical view of sex, and are just utterly clueless in regards to what temptations us men face on a daily basis, absolutely. And it's also true that they will have a harder time understanding our shit than say, other women. However, these women still have a right, just as we all do, to know what their boyfriends and husbands are up to, and if they happen to leave us because of it, that's on us, not them.

But to me, a relationship is about truth and honor, and not just about making it "work" (whether for religious reasons, children, pride, fear of honesty etc.). When I told my girlfriend what I had done four months ago, I knew going in it was going to be hell on earth, and let me tell you, it was. But I had decided beforehand that no matter what happened, truth was more important than our relationship, and also, I knew she deserved to hear the truth. I might add, my shame of not telling her was making me relapse so that sure as hell wasn't fixing anything!

Just my two cents, either way you're putting this porn shit behind you, and that is a great decision!

Addendum: I realize my situation is not yours and I hope you know that. Obviously, I'm not married or have a daughter, nor was my one year of secrecy as long as your years of secrecy. These facts of yours are completely different than mine, so maybe there's different ways of going about it. I was just letting you know how I see the world coming from my own perspective, which is all any man can ever do.

You're on the right track for sure.

Thank you brother. I appreciate your input on this. I am probably going to seek the help of a therapist and work toward the best way of discussion of my porn use. Value your friendship and input.

 

[Jswizzle]

Hi, Jswizzle! It may be something that you needn't and even shouldn't do. This will contradict what many will say, but most women aren't equipped to handle our truth, or to handle our uniquely 'male struggle' (yes, I know there's women out there who struggle, too).

I've been struggling to overcome sexually related addictions in various forms for many years now, and my telling my wife the 'exact nature of my wrongs', thinking that I was going to make 'direct amends' to the one I hurt, instead such disclosures almost ended our marriage, twice!

My thinking, if one is following the steps, is that step 5 says, "...to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs", I feel that this ought to be another male who you deeply trust with such sensitive information.

Step 8, you're making amends with your wife, yourself and your family now, by overcoming these addictions- whether or not they know it.

Step 9, making 'direct amends', in most cases, would injure our wife if we told her.

There are blessed exceptions, women who would understand as far as possible, and stand with us in this fight. But more often than not, our wanting to confess this to them is only to relieve our own guilty consciences. Yes, we will feel much lighter afterward, but our wife will feel devastated, their world will just come to a screeching halt, and the man they thought they knew they don't- everything about you will then be brought into question! The marriage could end.

As men, we got ourselves into this mess, we alone can get ourselves out. This is true anyway, so why bring such pain to one's wife? It is enough that we are living the truth, even if we don't always divulge our secrets. Living a lie is another story, that's trying to have our cake and eat it too.

Hope this helps, brother.

Thank you my friend. I'm going to probably work with a therapist to approach the nature of disclosure.

 

[Jswizzle]

Thursday, January 20th 2022
Day 33 no porn
No M

Today has been a good day. I had a doctor's appointment this morning for checkup which went well. I had 4 vials of blood drawn for screenings. Turns out the intermittent fasting has served me well as I've lost weight since the last visit. The rest of my day has been consumed by work which has been fulfilling. I came home and played with my daughter for a little while and help put her to bed with my wife. Proceeding cautiously with my nightly routine and trying to wind down not to be triggered by any social media.

I'm grateful for much of the support I have received from others in the Reboot Nation forum. There will be a time where I do discuss my pornography use with my wife. However, I am going to consult with a therapist and a potential sponsor through SAA before I do so. I feel it is the right thing to do, but I don't necessarily need to share every explicit detail of my use in order to not cause my wife harm.

There have been incidents in the past where she has caught me watching porn or was aware that I viewed it.

One time was in my early twenties when she seen a bill from a pay-per-view where I rented a the pornographic movie. This incident comes to the forefront of my mind because I tried to lie my way out of it. My wife ultimately confronted my behavior and I lost my temper and broke the DVR due to shame.

Another incident was from two years ago and I fell asleep watching porn. She come home from working a graveyard shift and looked at my phone to check the time prior to climbing in bed and seeing what I had been watching. This time I reacted better and admitted that I had been watching it. We were able to talk about it and although she was hurt appeared able to look past it.

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DAY FIVE, No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO IT 100%


"Success in life is built on the foundation of two things: taking personal responsibility for the outcomes of our choices and engaging with life at a 100%. When we do these two things, we unlock the secret that’s been holding us back from a prosperous and meaningful life."

What unfinished business do you need to do? What areas in your life are you not giving 100%? If you decided to go all in, what would happen?

In regard to my unfinished business it's definitely working through this pornography bullshit, abstaining from it, and developing a solid recovery program.

One area of my life where I'm not giving 100% is committing to exercise on a daily basis. I have fitness equipment at home as well as weights that just sit in a room I seldomly use.

I make several excuses when I think about it as to why I don't use it. The biggest excuse, of course, is that there's no time. Since my daughter was born I have used her as an excuse not to exercise. Either I have justified not exercising because I have been too tired from the late nights of her waking up or justified not exercising as it would take away from time I could spend with her. All these excuses are just bullshit I tell myself when in reality I don't want to confront myself for being lazy and undisciplined.
I could develop the discipline to wake up an hour earlier in the day and exercise.

If I decided to go all in and commit to working out daily and actually follow through with it, I would feel better about myself.

 

[Blondie]

That's the thing. You do make several valid points above, Blondie- and I appreciate your input.

What I say above is to be considered according to one's specific and (highly) individual point of view and circumstances. There are also degrees of culpability where secrecy may do more harm than good, such as actual (physical) cheating or adultery with another person. Your spouse definitely has the right to know these things, consequences be damned.

For the not being equipped, I do view women as equal but in need of our protection as men. They are in every way our equal, and often times our better, but I'm simply bringing up the fundamental differences between men and women which doesn't render one 'better' nor superior to the other, but complimentary opposites. It's in that vein I mention these things. Many know this to be true from experience.

Regardless, we all have different perspectives and backgrounds, and not one way is right. As I said, 'blessed' are the women who can stand with us in our fight, but as men, we shouldn't expect them to, and how many have been crushed by our selfish act to relieve our own consciences, and often times leave them holding the bag.

Absolutely, when it's all said and done, we all have our different perspectives and experiences, and that's a great and beautiful thing. What matters most is our complete and utter solidarity around one thing; porn is not an option!

Thanks for your input. Let's continue onward!

 

[Phineas 808]

There have been incidents in the past where she has caught me watching porn or was aware that I viewed it.

One time was in my early twenties when she seen a bill from a pay-per-view where I rented a the pornographic movie. This incident comes to the forefront of my mind because I tried to lie my way out of it. My wife ultimately confronted my behavior and I lost my temper and broke the DVR due to shame.

Another incident was from two years ago and I fell asleep watching porn. She come home from working a graveyard shift and looked at my phone to check the time prior to climbing in bed and seeing what I had been watching. This time I reacted better and admitted that I had been watching it. We were able to talk about it and although she was hurt appeared able to look past it.

So there's a history already between you two as to past porn-use, and being caught doing it. That sux so much, brother, I can totally empathize and relate.

I support your decision to eventually share with your wife after consulting with a therapist and a sponsor if you feel it will help. Be sure as to your commitment to quit P, PMO because with this, after telling her, you don't want to go back and forth with it. But again, she (and you) will need to understand that recovery is a process, and that lapses may occur.

Just know that all the power is in you, to quit or to not quit.

 

[Jswizzle]

Friday, January 21st 2022
Day 34 no PMO

The start to this morning was pretty rough. I have been sulking in shame throughout the day, but was able to get out of this afternoon. I'm more angry at myself than anything. I don't want to go back to using porn. Ever. I don't like who I am when I watch it. I'm irritable and short with my wife. A lying deceitful son of a bitch. I can't get intimate sexually with my wife when I watch porn because I can't get an erection. This has been a source of shame so many fucking times. It hurts her self esteem because she doesn't feel attractive enough to get me hard. So many shame filled moments between her and I in the past. I'm done with this shit. Done with porn.

I don't want my daughter to have an active fucking porn addict as a father. I have been this in the past and I no longer want to consider myself an addict. However, I AM AN ADDICT! This label "addict" is my reality. It is part of my personality. Without an active fucking recovery program my life spins out of control in one area or another. My mind tends to trade off addictions for less destructive but more rationalized addictions.

Even with an active recovery program working on recovery from alcohol, recovery from codependency, recovery from growing up in a dysfunctional family, abstaining from narcotics, abstaining from restrictive eating, excessive video gaming, over exercising, overachieving, perfectionism, narcissism, smoking like a chimney, vaping, and workaholism have been in such rationalization and denial about my relationship to pornography. I have consistently broken values I hold in high regard through my behavior.

I want recovery. I want it so fucking bad. I don't want to feel like a piece of shit anymore.

I'm going to keep working. Progress over perfection. Principles over personalities.

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DAY SIX No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

IF YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOTTEN

Has the desire to have a problem-free, smooth life affected your personal growth? If so, how?

I would rather use (fill in the blank) to mask, dull, or avoid my emotions than feel them.

 

[Jswizzle]

Saturday, January 22nd 2022
Day 35 no PMO

Caught myself being dishonest this morning. Took my four year old daughter to the gas station to get a treat. In the hotcase I bought her a breakfast sandwich and I grabbed two grande breakfast burritos. The sandwich was $3.99 and the burritos were $5.99 each. At the self checkout, I ran the breakfast sandwich three times instead of paying full price for the burritos. We then headed home. No one questioned us or anything. However, when I got home I left my daughter with her mother, went back to the gas station, and asked the cashier to ring me up for another grande breakfast burrito without taking one. Told the cashier I made a mistake ringing up my items when I initially came in with my daughter.

Glad I caught myself. I'm not a dishonest person. I'm not living that way anymore. Trying to not beat myself up for what I did. It was stupid.
I wasn't going to write about it as I feel embarrassed. But I need to be accountable for my actions.

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DAY SEVEN No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PLANET RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR NEEDS, WANTS, AND HAPPINESS

Do you measure your self-worth by comparing yourself to others? How has this affected how you feel and behave? Are you an approval seeker? What would happen if you stopped seeking approval?


As I reflect a little bit more on this I think that I will often seek approval from others through the use of social media. For example, virtue signaling by posting an inspiring quote that I read or pictures of myself that I'm proud of. Ultimately the behavior in and of itself is self-seeking.