Amor Fati (Recovery Journal)

Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Jswizzle said:
Saturday, January 22nd 2022
Day 35 no PMO

Caught myself being dishonest this morning. Took my four year old daughter to the gas station to get a treat. In the hotcase I bought her a breakfast sandwich and I grabbed two grande breakfast burritos. The sandwich was $3.99 and the burritos were $5.99 each. At the self checkout, I ran the breakfast sandwich three times instead of paying full price for the burritos. We then headed home. No one questioned us or anything. However, when I got home I left my daughter with her mother, went back to the gas station, and asked the cashier to ring me up for another grande breakfast burrito without taking one. Told the cashier I made a mistake ringing up my items when I initially came in with my daughter.

Glad I caught myself. I'm not a dishonest person. I'm not living that way anymore. Trying to not beat myself up for what I did. It was stupid.
I wasn't going to write about it as I feel embarrassed. But I need to be accountable for my actions.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY SEVEN No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PLANET RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR NEEDS, WANTS, AND HAPPINESS

Do you measure your self-worth by comparing yourself to others? How has this affected how you feel and behave? Are you an approval seeker? What would happen if you stopped seeking approval?


As I reflect a little bit more on this I think that I will often seek approval from others through the use of social media. For example, virtue signaling by posting an inspiring quote that I read or pictures of myself that I'm proud of. Ultimately the behavior in and of itself is self-seeking.
Click to expand...
Good job on going back to the gas station and being honest and thanks for telling us. You're doing a great job man, 35 days porn free! That is fucking awesome! There is much to congratulate yourself on. Try not to be too hard on yourself, maybe take the advice that's in that book somewhere about Nice Guys having a hard time doing something nice and good for themselves, whatever that would be, only you would know (or should know!)

I've found myself doing that as well on social media in the past, and I just don't go there anymore. Why waste the time an energy with people who don't even give a fuck? Nice job figuring that out for yourself. That book (No More Mr. Nice Guy) is a great book to read at this time, keep it up. I've been going through it too, and have been trying not to smile all the time, especially if I don't feel happy (mostly with my girlfriend). I'm sure that might seem stupid, but for me, it's part of my "pleasing personality" that I had to do in the past to keep the peace and have everyone "like" me. So I've cut that shit out this last month and it's been nice and freeing. It's the little things!

Addendum.

Fuck porn!
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Blondie said:
Good job on going back to the gas station and being honest and thanks for telling us. You're doing a great job man, 35 days porn free! That is fucking awesome! There is much to congratulate yourself on. Try not to be too hard on yourself, maybe take the advice that's in that book somewhere about Nice Guys having a hard time doing something nice and good for themselves, whatever that would be, only you would know (or should know!)

I've found myself doing that as well on social media in the past, and I just don't go there anymore. Why waste the time an energy with people who don't even give a fuck? Nice job figuring that out for yourself. That book (No More Mr. Nice Guy) is a great book to read at this time, keep it up. I've been going through it too, and have been trying not to smile all the time, especially if I don't feel happy (mostly with my girlfriend). I'm sure that might seem stupid, but for me, it's part of my "pleasing personality" that I had to do in the past to keep the peace and have everyone "like" me. So I've cut that shit out this last month and it's been nice and freeing. It's the little things!

Addendum.

Fuck porn!
Click to expand...
Blondie,
Thank you for your support brother. For real. I'm going to do something nice for myself. Still trying to figure out what that would be for me today. Probably going to indulge in NFL games.
Glad you are endavoring to combat the Nice Guy within yourself as well. It's challenging to be authentic and congruent with how we truly feel.

Fuck porn.
 
U

Unashamed

Member
Jswizzle said:
Saturday, January 22nd 2022
Day 35 no PMO

Caught myself being dishonest this morning. Took my four year old daughter to the gas station to get a treat. In the hotcase I bought her a breakfast sandwich and I grabbed two grande breakfast burritos. The sandwich was $3.99 and the burritos were $5.99 each. At the self checkout, I ran the breakfast sandwich three times instead of paying full price for the burritos. We then headed home. No one questioned us or anything. However, when I got home I left my daughter with her mother, went back to the gas station, and asked the cashier to ring me up for another grande breakfast burrito without taking one. Told the cashier I made a mistake ringing up my items when I initially came in with my daughter.

Glad I caught myself. I'm not a dishonest person. I'm not living that way anymore. Trying to not beat myself up for what I did. It was stupid.
I wasn't going to write about it as I feel embarrassed. But I need to be accountable for my actions.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY SEVEN No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PLANET RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR NEEDS, WANTS, AND HAPPINESS

Do you measure your self-worth by comparing yourself to others? How has this affected how you feel and behave? Are you an approval seeker? What would happen if you stopped seeking approval?


As I reflect a little bit more on this I think that I will often seek approval from others through the use of social media. For example, virtue signaling by posting an inspiring quote that I read or pictures of myself that I'm proud of. Ultimately the behavior in and of itself is self-seeking.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing! Lately as we’re playing games with friends, we play a game where lying and deceiving are a part of the game. My wife, in an almost a back handed way, pointed out that I’m a much better lier than she is. To everyone else playing it didn’t mean anything but it stung to me! I don’t want her to have the stigma that I’m a good liar, but that she can trust not only what I’m telling her but my actions as well.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Monday, January 24th 2022
Day 37 no PMO

Last night I had a killer headache and didn't post much. I sometimes get this excruciating pain in the back of my head I suspect is due to old sports injuries. It's typically located in the back of my skull right where my spinal cord connects with my brain stem.

I caved before going to bed the previous evening and masturbated. I have also slipped on my goals lately to not consume Media or news as I know it affects my mental health. Going to get back on track with that.

I worked today which was nice and fulfilling. Pretty much gone from my house from 10:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. when I got home my daughter was grumpy but my wife and I put her to bed.

I received a phone call from my doctor's office as I had an appointment on Thursday with blood work done. I didn't get to the phone call but they left a voicemail for me to call them. I don't know exactly why but it's got me pretty anxious. I have gotten on the Health Portal and seen the summary of the visit. I don't know if the doctor an entered notes or it's a template but I read that supposedly my blood sugars were elevated and I may be pre-diabetic. And I tried to access my labs but they haven't been posted. I'm anxious for the phone call tomorrow but can only work on my health and eating habits regardless of what the results are.

The last time I seen my doctor was in May 2021 and apparently I've lost 5 lb since that visit. I have been focusing on my health by using supplements, doing intermittent fasting, and drinking a gallon of water per day.

I'm going to continue where I left off out of the No More Mr Nice Guy Journal which is day 8.

_----------------------------+-+-----------------------------------------
DAY EIGHT No More Mr Nice Guy Journal.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT

In the reading for this journal entry the author discusses "covert contracts." A covert contract is doing something and hoping the other person will respond with the desired result. Essentially it's a passive aggressive way that's not necessarily conscious to get one's needs met in interpersonal relationships. Nice guys tend to do things for others with covert contract that something will be done for them in return.

How have you made covert contracts in the past? Who do you need to be clear and direct with? What do you need to ask them?

I do do things out of obligation in my household to avoid conflict with my spouse such as doing dishes, taking out the trash, etc. I think I do these things so my wife will not be in a bad mood and it will make life easier for myself. However, I think I deceive myself because I place a false sense of power over my wife's mood based around what I do or do not do, which may not be directly correlated to how she feels.

The covert contract goes like this: "if I do household chores throughout the day while you're at work, you have no right to come home and be in a bad mood."

However, when my wife comes home and she is in a bad mood a resentment builds and I end up lashing out at my wife. This leads to the very thing I did not want in the first place.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey man, I have a busy day today so I'll make this short. First, great job on 37 days clean! That is fucking awesome! Sorry to hear about your stress concerning the possible test results, but whatever happens, you can handle it, I know you can. And remember, however the results turn out, your stress levels will magnify 100 fold if you look at porn. Porn is not an option!

Stay strong!
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Blondie said:
Hey man, I have a busy day today so I'll make this short. First, great job on 37 days clean! That is fucking awesome! Sorry to hear about your stress concerning the possible test results, but whatever happens, you can handle it, I know you can. And remember, however the results turn out, your stress levels will magnify 100 fold if you look at porn. Porn is not an option!

Stay strong!
Click to expand...
You were right. Everything turned out good.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Wednesday, January 26th
Day 39 no PMO

Good day today. No urges to view porn. Reading other dudes journal entries doing hard rebooting being accountable for edging or catching themselves when stiming.

So personally going to be accountable here. I have been finding it difficult to not to touch myself when I'm getting the morning wood. Wake up in the morning with a good semi chubber. Half asleep half awake. Not very cognitively lucid. I don't masturbate to orgasm. Just stim because it feels good. Not every morning. Some mornings for the last couple weeks.

Going to work on this. It's part of my middle circle out of the "three circles" exercise from SAA. Red flag behavior for sure which can lead me back to using porn. So far hasn't been a trigger to view since ceasing porn use, but I most definitely has been in the past.

Open to suggestions on how to not engage in doing this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY TEN No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

BE CLEAR AND DIRECT

"Rule ten is vital to overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome because unspoken (or unclear) expectations always lead to resentments. Resentments always lead to anger. Unmanaged anger is always acted out in passive-aggressive or aggressive ways. When we are passive-aggressive or aggressive we never get our needs met."

Write an example of when you didn’t ask for what you were not clear and direct. What was the result?

Acted out passive aggressively with my wife this morning out of frustration. She wanted to take a "weekend vacation" at a local resort in early February. I was already irritated as I was feeling rushed to get to work and was running late. I told her I had to work the first couple weekends. She identified it would be a good time with her work schedule and asked if I could work remotely. Rather than respond respectfully and directly, I told her I needed a "vacation from her bullshit." This led to a fight before work.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Thursday, January 27th 2022
Day 40 no PMO

The day has went well. No urges to use pornography or masturbation. Spent much of the day at work. I was tempted to masturbate this morning as I woke up with an erection. However I didn't succumb to the temptation.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------DAY ELEVEN No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

LEARN TO SAY NO

"Nice Guys say yes not because they want to say yes, but because they desperately want to be liked by others. The Nice Guy fears that if he says no, he will look bad and piss people off."

"The Nice Guy cares more about pleasing people and not looking bad than he does about living with integrity."

"Shame is a fundamental belief that we are not okay just as we are so we must hide our truth so we can be accepted. We believe to say no means we won’t be accepted."

When you say yes to things you don’t want to do, what happens? How do you feel?

Angry, resentful, irritable, passive aggressive

Who do you find it most difficult to say no to?How will you say no to this person?

I often find it difficult to say no to my wife. This is difficult for me because many times say yes out of fear, obligation, or guilt. It's easier to passively agree to do something then say no. Part of the fear is the fear of confrontation that if I say no she'll get angry and it will turn into a fight. Obligation comes in the thought that "a good husband should want to please his wife through acts of service."

However, I'm unsure if I'm being petty, intolerant, or unaccepting. The things she asks of me aren't really big things. They are often small such as getting her a glass of water, handing her things from across the room when we're both sitting on the same couch, or helping with household chores.
 
Last edited:
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Saturday, January 29th 2022
Day 42 no PMO

I haven't had any triggers today. I am thankful for that. Still struggling in the morning with erections upon waking up. I will often catch myself stimming, but not to the point of orgasm. I have usually been good to catch myself and stop.

From Russell brands recovery book. I want to start using this daily in my daily journaling.

Where did I make a Mistake?

I snapped at my four-year-old daughter after she struck me in the face with binoculars while we were playing tonight.

Where have I been Selfish?

I don't feel I was selfish today.

Where was I Dishonest?

I don't feel I was dishonest today.

Where was I Self-seeking?

I don't feel I was self-seeking today.

Where was I Afraid?

Today I was fearful and anxious as my wife and daughter went to see family that lived approximately an hour and a half away. I was fearful that something may happen to them or they may have a vehicle problem.

Where am I to Blame?

I am to blame for the way I sternly addressed my 4-year-old daughter after she struck me with binoculars while we were playing. Although I was appropriate in the language I used I reacted out of anger which frightened her.

Where am I at Fault?

Same answer as above.

Where was I Wrong?

Upon reflection not only was I wrong in the way I addressed my daughter, I feel that she was playing rough by striking me in the face with a binoculars through passive aggressiveness because I had been spending too much time on my cell phone not engaging with her moments before.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY TWELVE No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

DON’T MAKE EXCUSES

How have you hidden your mistakes in the past? What would be the result if you stopped making excuses, stopped hiding your mistakes, and lived with complete honesty?

In the past I have lied through lies of omission. Hidden the truth about my pornography addiction. Hidden mistakes in the past by blaming or identifying and highlighting other people's wrongs. Intellectualizing why I wasn't wrong to create a moral justification for my behavior. Taking a victim's stance or victims mentality.

If I corrected these behaviors, I would live a more virtuous life in congruence with who I truly would like to be. This would reduce internalized shame I feel because I would live with more integrity.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Sunday, January 30th 2022
Day 43 no PMO

Where did I make a Mistake?

My wife told me she ate some cookies she was intending to make a desert with for me. I told her she didn't need to feel bad. She told me she wanted to make the desert for me because she loves me.

I told her sarcastically, " but I feel so much love already."

Which resulted in hurting her feelings.

Where have I been Selfish?

I don't feel I was selfish today.

Where was I Dishonest?

I don't feel I was dishonest today.

Where was I Self-seeking?

Posted an inspirational quote on social media today. Not to inspire others, but to virtue signal and get approval from others that I'm some kind of enlightened person.

Where was I Afraid?

Wasn't afraid today.

Where am I to Blame?

Unnecessary sarcasm toward my wife in the example above.

Where am I at Fault?

Same answer as above.

Where was I Wrong?

Same answer as above.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY THIRTEEN No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

IF YOU ARE AN ADULT, YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR OWN RULES

What old rules have you been following that no longer work? How have these rules contributed to your Nice Guy behaviors?

Rule #1
I am a low maintenance person, who provides for other people's needs as I don't want to be a burden.

This has contributed to my nice guy behaviors as I often don't express my needs, seek approval from others, and have internalized shame underwritten by a belief I am less than (fill in the blank). I try to overcompensate through unhealthy behaviors such as perfectionism, overachieving, and taking on too much responsibility. I hide or avoid my pain through using substances, pornography, obsessive behaviors, people pleasing, and codependency to numb myself. Or, I base my self worth off being a nice guy via seeking my self worth through others approval and external validation.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Monday, January 31st 2022
Day 44 no PMO

The day has gone well. Wife worked, so I spent a lot of time with my 4 yo daughter. Busy day. After I posted last night I was winding down for bed and was craving masturbation pretty bad. Started stimming (playing with myself) with sexual images filling my mind but caught myself and went and did a meditation prior to going to bed. Struggled this morning too with the morning erection, but broke out of it after a few minutes, got up, and went about my morning routine.

Where did I make a Mistake?

Made a sarcastic remark about my wife starting a new life with a male coworker.

Where have I been Selfish?

I don't feel I was selfish today.

Where was I Dishonest?

I don't feel I was dishonest today.

Where was I Self-seeking?

No self seeking today.

Where was I Afraid?

My wife come home from work and began telling me about her day. She mentioned a male colleague she works with. Even though contextually she was identifying that she was frustrated with him, my mind was telling me she has an attraction to him. Felt insecure due to social status of the dude she works with in her profession.

Felt like I handled it well though in light of how I have delt with insecurities in the past. Did make a passive aggressive comment to my wife about her starting a new life with her male coworker though. However, I corrected myself and told her my insecurities in a direct manner.

Where am I to Blame?

I own my passive aggressive comment to my wife tonight.

Where am I at Fault?

Above

Where was I Wrong?

Above

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY FOURTEEN No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

LET PEOPLE HELP YOU

"When we don’t let others help us, we strengthen the internal belief that we are unworthy and unlovable. When we don’t ask for help, we feed our toxic shame and we stay stuck in our Nice Guy behaviors."

"When we don’t ask for help, we deny others the feeling of joy that comes with being of service."

Think of something you can ask someone for help with, even if you don’t really need it. What will you ask them to do?

I need an accountability partner or SAA sponsor.

I will reach out to my friend LW and ask him to help me install flooring in my house. Or, my neighbor Jaron.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top