36, PIED, new plan

logicprox

Active Member
10 days. Have had a few urges in the last 24 hours but hasn't been too hard to push off. Still really tired, trying to recover from how crazy work was last week. I've been reading a book about finding the underlying reasons you don't keep commitments to yourself, Immunity to Change, by some Harvard professors. Finally got to the part of the book where you start going through the analysis for yourself and things you want to change. I have two "commitments" I will be running through that analysis, one of them is quitting PMO. Will likely report some of that when I am through.
 

logicprox

Active Member
11 days. Finally starting to recover my energy. Also finished Breaking Bad lol. I mention that only because I was letting myself get to the end before getting off TV again. Time to replace that with reading. Not only does staying off media help me stay away from PMO, but replacing it with reading and other screen-less activities historically has improved my overall mood.
 

logicprox

Active Member
12 days. Close call. Woke up in middle of night and looked up some soft stuff on Insta. Ended without MO and went back to bed, though. Not nearly as quickly as I should have but it felt more like a win then a reset to me, as over 2nd half of June and 1st bit of July there was never any backing off once I opened the can of worms.

Probably happened because I got to bed super late (packing for a work trip) and messed up my sleep schedule but also I let myself fantasize to fall asleep. Which is against my rules. Have been doing better about that, but not last night.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
12 days. Close call. Woke up in middle of night and looked up some soft stuff on Insta. Ended without MO and went back to bed, though. Not nearly as quickly as I should have but it felt more like a win then a reset to me, as over 2nd half of June and 1st bit of July there was never any backing off once I opened the can of worms.

Probably happened because I got to bed super late (packing for a work trip) and messed up my sleep schedule but also I let myself fantasize to fall asleep. Which is against my rules. Have been doing better about that, but not last night.
This is something that used to happen to me too, waking up in the middle of the night and starting edging automatically. For some reason it hasn't happened for a while but mornings are the most difficult.
 

logicprox

Active Member
1 day. I made it another couple days after last post. My morning and evening routines were completely wrecked while out of town, drank a lot more than usual because of various work happy hours (since I hadn't seen anyone in 6 months) and other friends in that city who wanted to see me, and got very little sleep as a result. In that weaker state I messed up a few times.

I got home Saturday. Getting back on track. Would have liked to be in a place where I could have dealt with all that and stayed clean. I think I would have been able to if I had been deeper back into my recovery when the trip happened but I was just getting started again. No trips for a while, back to business.
 

logicprox

Active Member
2 days. I have too much pride and it holds me back sometimes. I got off track a couple months ago and kept saying I would come back here once I had a good streak going again, because I was ashamed to post with a low streak count AGAIN. But that's incredibly stupid. You don't get back on track by waiting to get back on track before taking the necessary actions to get back on track.

I forgot a lot of the things that let me make so much progress earlier this year. I forgot that porn is stupid, fake, and pointless. I forgot that I don't have to just do what my brain says. I forgot that i was happier and more fulfilled when I didn't use. I forgot that the reason my ED was very clearly getting better was because I was not using. I forgot that I don't want this shit in my life.

I know I am capable of cutting this out of my life for good. I proved that earlier this year. i made a bad decision that brought me down and haven't gotten back to basics since, but that's not evidence I can't do this. It's just evidence that I made a stupid decision.

I'm committed to getting back on track and finishing the year out strong. I can't guarantee I've had my last use of the year yet. I hope I have. I believe I have. We'll see. But what I can guarantee is I am not walking away from my commitment to beat this again. No matter how embarrassing any failure may be.
 

logicprox

Active Member
4 days. Not using PMO isn't enough. I know that. I'm still fantasizing at night, and my morning routine is still off. Still wasting time watching TV/movies at night. Fixing those things was critical for me when I was PMO free. It was a lot easier to "reset" earlier this year because I started my streak with a "dopamine fast" when I had time off work around the New Year. It feels harder to reset everything when I am working, can't stay away from the computer and I have more stress.

Excuses. But that's where I've been. I can keep this going for a quite a while without fixing all of the underlying habits but eventually I am going to have to face them.
 
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