36, PIED, new plan

[logicprox]

Good going at 9 days!

Urges and flatlines will keep coming and alternating. It's highly unpredictable and varies form person to person.

There will be a time when you will get strong urges. There will be a period of extended flatline. But tiding over all of these is really going to strengthen your will power and actually make it easier for you to remain clean.

Definitely expecting that at some point. I've tried stopping a number of times in the past, including 2 years ago when I started my first journal here. Forgot I had that one when I came back so started over.

The urges definitely came. But I am strong, more committed, and taking a smarter approach, so I intend to push on. Thanks!

 

[logicprox]

10 days. I have only made it to this point a handful of times before. This one has felt the easiest and most natural. Usually I have been clawing and scraping to avoid giving in to urges. Yesterday probably had the strongest urges so far in the last 10 days but still nowhere near the level I have historically experienced. I think that is largely still due to my improved plans but I suspect my luck may begin running out on that in the next few days as I have only made it past 12 days like 2 or max 3 times in all my years using. I really don't know why but for some reason getting day 13 has always been a roadblock. A very random number lol. I will just need to stay very committed, keep executing my plan, and remember always that I survived before PMO. I didn't need it before, I don't need it now.

 

[Blondie]

"I will just need to stay very committed, keep executing my plan, and remember always that I survived before PMO. I didn't need it before, I don't need it now."

Hold on to this sentiment, and you will be set free. Do whatever is necessary to get though the hard times. Handcuff your hands and lock yourself in a closet if you must!

No stress compares to the stress and pain afterwards when you know you could of made it, if you had just pushed through a little harder. You got this!

 

[logicprox]

11 days. Was actually a little easier than day 10.

Had a lot of calls at work that kept me wrapped up.

I also just started reading the book "The Happiness Trap" for a few minutes on meal breaks and before bed. It's basically about how our society trains us to believe we just should be happy all the time and if we experience negative emotions we should just be able to make them go away.

This tends to drive us to use unhealthy methods to control or avoid our emotions (PMO would be a good example of this for many of us on this forum). The reality is that everyone experiences some negative emotions, but we rarely see that in others because we are all also trained to hide negative emotion, so it can appear that there is something wrong with us and we are outliers if we experience them.

Going further in it will be discussing how to "accept" feelings rather than always trying to control them. Interested to see where it goes, seems very relevant.

 

[logicprox]

12 days.

Urges slightly up during the day. Woke up in the middle of the night with a partial erection and a pretty strong urge. I've been sleeping with my phone in another room, which I think helped make just grabbing it from my nightstand quickly not an option and gave me a little time to breathe and think through it. I got out of bed and reminded myself a few times that I don't use PMO anymore and that porn only relieves the symptoms it creates. The I just sat still for a few minutes and the strong urge passed. I still was feeling it a little bit when I got back into bed but at a much more manageable level and I fell back asleep and made it through the night.

Not a SUPER close call, but the closest I have had in my current run. After today I will officially have the 2nd longest streak since I started using PMO. I said at the beginning this isn't about streaks but they certainly help and I'm not letting this one go.

I did also wake up with a partial erection, which was sort of encouraging cause it's been a while. I think that coupled with the urge may actually be a good sign that something is happening with my brain and I just need to keep going.

 

[Blondie]

That is beautiful news. Congratulations on your streak!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

12 days.

Urges slightly up during the day. Woke up in the middle of the night with a partial erection and a pretty strong urge. I've been sleeping with my phone in another room, which I think helped make just grabbing it from my nightstand quickly not an option and gave me a little time to breathe and think through it. I got out of bed and reminded myself a few times that I don't use PMO anymore and that porn only relieves the symptoms it creates. The I just sat still for a few minutes and the strong urge passed. I still was feeling it a little bit when I got back into bed but at a much more manageable level and I fell back asleep and made it through the night.

Not a SUPER close call, but the closest I have had in my current run. After today I will officially have the 2nd longest streak since I started using PMO. I said at the beginning this isn't about streaks but they certainly help and I'm not letting this one go.

I did also wake up with a partial erection, which was sort of encouraging cause it's been a while. I think that coupled with the urge may actually be a good sign that something is happening with my brain and I just need to keep going.

Good run, man! Keep up the good work!

 

[logicprox]

13 days. Relatively low urge day.

Had another wet dream lol. The dream was very unpleasant. I dreamt I PMOed and broke my streak at 12, failing to hit my 2nd longest ever streak lol. Grossed out but relieved to wake up and discover it was a dream.

I can't help but think there is a major connection between me cutting down HARD on media (I haven't really gone back post detox) and how much easier this run has felt than every other attempt I have made since starting PMO. I continue to not miss TV/movies/YouTube/social media. Been feeling a lot better playing guitar, reading books, working out, and playing with my Rubik's cube in my free time.

 

[logicprox]

14 days. All quiet.

 

[Jswizzle]

14 days. All quiet.

Two weeks brother! Niiiccceee!!!

 

[logicprox]

15 days. Had a number of one-off urges throughout the day, and woke up with some briefly at night. I happened to be reading a book called the Happiness Trap for one set of urges. The book was discussing how feelings and emotions are actually primarily a set of physiological changes in the body that our thoughts then identify as a particular good or bad feeling. Made me start observing what an "urge" actually felt like in the body. Honestly I didn't quite figure it out but thinking about it that way sort of made the urge seem less scary and less important, demystifying it a little. I'm actually really curious about this now and next time I get urges I am going to investigate further.

 

[logicprox]

16 days. Yesterday I had the strongest craving I have had since beginning this run. I think i started thinking too far ahead, reading about the time it takes to break an addiction based on research, and started getting afraid and anxious that I wouldn't make it...which ironically triggered the urge to not make it lol. I grabbed a book, and went outside to walk a circle around my apartment while reading. I think the cold air was actually particularly helpful in waking me up from it since I did not put on a proper coat to go outside.

No issue after that.

 

[logicprox]

17 days.

Re-reading Easy Peasy. Like he says in the book, the further along you get, the easier it becomes to forget why you stopped. So I think I will re-read every couple weeks until 90 days.

Liked this quote because it has become so evident recently, whereas I couldn't see it before:

"The problem of stopping isn’t the dopamine addiction, which is easy to cope with. It’s the mistaken belief that porn gives you pleasure, brought about initially by brainwashing received before we started using, further reinforced by the actual addiction."

PMO isn't even fun. Just need to remember that (logically, but also emotionally) and I'll be good.

Oh and I had about 70% morning wood this morning. It's been basically nothing the past few weeks. Welcome back, even if it's just a visit for now.

 

[logicprox]

18 days.

Urges continue to come and go, probably have been a little more frequent and intense the last 3-4 days. I think I've been letting myself get a little too excited and wrapped up in the length of my streak and the desire to get to 21, or to 30, or to 90. Same as a few days ago though not as bad. Trying to recenter my thinking on the current moment/day and just doing what I have been doing right now.

That said, urges have been relatively light with most of my triggers taken away.

I've been thinking about why I started this. It was definitely primarily driven by PIED, and while I believe I have evidence to support that ending PMO will solve or significantly reduce my issue, I don't factually know that. I was struck by a couple paragraphs in Easy Peasy this morning that connected to what I was already thinking about.

"Linking quitting to a false incentive only increases doubt, because if you don’t get your incentive (and even if you do) you’ll begin thinking doubtful thoughts like “Will quitting actually make my life better? If I quit and don’t get what I want, did I use the method correctly?” Thoughts like these increase feelings of sacrifice and therefore create pangs."

"Keep looking at the other side of the tug of war and ask yourself what porn is doing for you. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Why do I need to do it? YOU DON’T! YOU’RE ONLY PUNISHING YOURSELF. It’s Pascal’s Wager: you have almost nothing to lose (fading arousal), chances of big profits (full and reliable arousal, mental well being and happiness) and no chance of losing big."

Regardless of whether this will eliminate my PIED, I don't need PMO. It doesn't make me happy, it makes me sad. It takes away my drive and only adds to the anxiety I was trying to bury by using it. It does nothing to help me achieve my goals. Instead it makes me waste my time and avoid the efforts that would actually change my life.

No matter what happens with my PIED, I don't use PMO anymore because it gives nothing and takes everything.

 

[logicprox]

19 days.

A friend told me an unsolicited story about a girl last night that was sort of triggering. I felt some urges. But upon further observation and analysis of what I felt, the bigger feeling was fear that I would let it trigger me, more than the urges themselves. I think this is something I have commonly done, commingling the feeling of an urge with fear that I am too weak to not give in to urges. Ironically I think it's this negative emotion of fear of using that leads me to use, more than the urge itself.

So I just reminded myself that I don't use now, that I don't have to use porn and have no use for it, and that using won't actually give me anything. Then I just picked up a book and read until I got tired and went to sleep.

 

[Blondie]

Nice job Logicprox. I completely understand that feeling. Two to three days ago I was doing the same thing, internally thinking, was I really tempted to look at porn, or just afraid that I might look, because I was in a bad mindset of sorts. Knowing how to navigate through these thoughts is a huge step in the right direction.

Let's press on!

 

[GeminiMan]

@logicprox , I do acknowledge the feeling of fear that my urges are going to take control shortly . But all that has normally happened in the past is that the fear manifests each time successfully and I end up doing exactly what I am afraid of ending up doing and I should not be doing at all . I think what I am lacking is the capacity to take a stand at that moment like you mentioned in your previous post .
Taking a stand telling myself that “ No it’s not something I do because it’s going to be a useless pursuit of pleasure which gives me nothing good but a few bursts of dopamine and opioid release and then a truck load of misery pain shame and regret fullness”

I will need to train myself , train my mind and internal thought process to take that stand at that moment . So I guess I am going to be getting there where you are @logicprox

see you soon !
MI30S

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

@logicprox , I do acknowledge the feeling of fear that my urges are going to take control shortly . But all that has normally happened in the past is that the fear manifests each time successfully and I end up doing exactly what I am afraid of ending up doing and I should not be doing at all . I think what I am lacking is the capacity to take a stand at that moment like you mentioned in your previous post .
Taking a stand telling myself that “ No it’s not something I do because it’s going to be a useless pursuit of pleasure which gives me nothing good but a few bursts of dopamine and opioid release and then a truck load of misery pain shame and regret fullness”

I will need to train myself , train my mind and internal thought process to take that stand at that moment . So I guess I am going to be getting there where you are @logicprox

see you soon !
MI30S

I feel you, man. When I had lousy streaks, I was afraid of the urges too. But the thing is, once you exceed your limits, you realize it's not that scary. The mindset you start with is very important but also very important is to avoiding engaging with the porn thoughts. The latter has helped me tremendously so far. It's not always easy, sometimes I catch myself exceeding a few seconds of "playing porn in my head" but I snap myself out of it quickly. If the massive urges happened to start already, I let them pass while I'm focusing on something else and not on those porn thoughts.

 

[logicprox]

So I guess I am going to be getting there where you are

I have no doubt you will. And hopefully much beyond where I am too.

 

[logicprox]

20 days.

Taking it one day at a time more instead of trying to think about the length of my current streak or how long I want it to be. Focusing much more on the idea that I am just not a person who uses PMO. I don't use PMO. Instead of thinking about how I need to get to X number of days. I actually think changing that perspective helps me.