I am back. You may have guessed from my absence that not everything has gone according to plan. I was embarrassed and ashamed and just needed a second.
I didn't full on relapse, and honestly my brain is still doing pretty well. Meaning, the day to day is still going fine. But I did slip up a couple of times.
On April 15, the night of my last post, I went out to a club with some friends and I had a quite a bit to drink, which I had not done in quite some time. I came home late and went to bed drunk but woke up like an hour later still drunk and feeling horny. Waking up in the middle of the night has historically been my downfall and being drunk on top of it was the straw on the proverbial back and I slipped up. I got horrible sleep the rest of the night and the next day I was exhausted and in my mentally weakened slate I slipped again.
I was back on the horse April 17 and felt great all week until I went out with friends again April 22. I actually didn't have much to drink but I also had barely eaten all day and got drunk rather easily and I slipped up that night when I got home. I was very unhappy about April 15-16, but I had just chalked it up to a one-off from being overly drunk and was confident that I would just continue on and be ok. April 22 scared me and pissed me off.
I absolutely cannot get into a "once a week" habit or a "only when I am drunk habit". For one thing, it seems highly unlikely that that sort of habit would not eventually devolve back into near-daily use over time. But besides that, porn is poison. I don't want anything to do with it. As long as I am sober, I seem to be able to remember that.
What's sort of frustrating here, is that I'm at a point in my recovery (or at least I was leading up to these events) where I think I am ready to rewire with a real woman. That's half the reason I was going out is to try to meet someone, because right now there's not really a woman in my life otherwise, so have to go find someone. I work remotely with people who are almost all in different states, and I don't have a huge social circle given I basically removed myself from my former religious circle right before COVID lockdowns (and my social anxiety doesn't help either). So going out to bars and clubs (and drinking to numb the anxiety...) feels like the only way I am going to meet someone.
I didn't mention it in earlier posts, but since shortly before I slipped up I have actually finally been having morning wood almost every morning again, so I know my brain has been fixing itself. This is why I feel like I am ready to start rewiring. So far these slips haven't stopped that but I absolutely know for a fact that if I continue using they will.
I guess the answer here is that I need to be smarter about my drinking, getting a tiny buzz does not seem to cause me problems but getting drunk does. I just need to figure out a healthier way to deal with my anxiety when I am out.
Anyways. 4 days.