To Infinity and Beyond (M, 25)

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Deleted member 26092

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Day 7 NoFap / Day 46 Pornfree:
Other than going to the gym and gaming I don't do much else lately. I read about an interesting approach to opening up more and creating opportunities in your life: Say 'hi' to at least three strangers. I am pretty good at small talk and the semen retention helps me to be confident so maybe I will try this out.
 
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Deleted member 26092

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Day 0 NoFap / Day 0 Pornfree:
I failed. In the morning after getting up I downloaded a dating app for gays with the intention to find someone for a date. I chatted for 3 hours with dozens of people and exchanged nude pictures. I was trapped in this world again after a long time. I didn't find someone to meet and at some point I relapsed to someone's nudes. I felt ashamed right after that. Ashamed of using this app. Ashamed to sell my values for so low. I wasn't interested in the people I met there except for their physical features. The old me took over. At the beginning I had the honest intention to find a person for a normal date where you get to know each other because I thought this is what I truely needed at that moment in my life. Relatively quickly, the mechanisms of the platform and my rotten brain intertwined and I was only interested in exchanging pictures with as many different people as possible. It felt like I was working on autopilot, like I had no control and was just able to watch what happens. My conclusion to this mess in the end: It is not possible for me to use digital platforms such as dating apps or social networks without the desire for sexual or pornographic satisfaction to come up and take over me.
Once again, I also doubt my sexuality. Maybe I suffer from HOCD. I have never met a guy in real life that I would see my self in a relationship with. All my thoughts about my bisexuality first came from fantasies from the internet, tv shows and porn. I ask myself now, if I found a boy cute in the gym or whereever, whether I was honestly attracted to him or just the idea and whether my porn-rotten brain was just trying to satisfy his desire for something novel or "abnormal". I would have no problem living as a gay person but I have never had any real intention to do so with people from my life. I am confused.
I have to be careful now not to lower my guard completely and fall into old behaviors. I had a huge urge to drink some coke but I could throw it away quickly.
Moreover, I feel like a fraud. In recent weeks, I have commented here many posts with advice only to disregard them myself today. For this kind of disrespect I feel very sorry.
I am starting a new attempt and will focus on looking for new encounters in real life. I often wonder how my sex life would have been if I had grown up without internet pornography. It's no use crying, I have to take responsibility and tackle this addiction again.
 
Hey man, sorry to hear about that :(
But you're not a fraud and you shouldn't feel like one. Some advice you left on my journal about preventing online procrastination has been extremely helpful, as well as your general encouragement.

46 days pornfree is an amazing achievement and one relapse is doesn't undo all that progress.
What we are trying to do is difficult - forums like this wouldn't exist if it wasn't!
Relapses happen, but the important thing is to not lose sight of the end goal - to create better habits and eliminate compulsive behavior.
And it sounds like whatever happened this past day or so, you are still much further toward that goal than before you started this journey (y)
 
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Deleted member 26092

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Hey man, sorry to hear about that :(
But you're not a fraud and you shouldn't feel like one. Some advice you left on my journal about preventing online procrastination has been extremely helpful, as well as your general encouragement.

46 days pornfree is an amazing achievement and one relapse is doesn't undo all that progress.
What we are trying to do is difficult - forums like this wouldn't exist if it wasn't!
Relapses happen, but the important thing is to not lose sight of the end goal - to create better habits and eliminate compulsive behavior.
And it sounds like whatever happened this past day or so, you are still much further toward that goal than before you started this journey (y)
Thanks man :')
 
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Deleted member 26092

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Day 5 Pornfree:
My first post after my big fail. I gave it some thought and decided that no masturbation does not fit into my life at this moment. I will try to live porn free though. I put way too much pressure on myself and my sexuality. MO'ing every few days calms my nerves and body immensely and, combined with lifting heavy weight in the gym, keeps me sane. Should I eventually find a partner with whom I could have sex regularly I would also give up masturbation, but without a partner it's just not possible for me. NoFap makes me crave the forbidden too much, which I think I can fight with Pornfree.
 
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Day 8 Pornfree:
I go to weight training almost every day and continue not to drink sugary drinks. Nevertheless, my will is fading somewhat, because single thoughts pop up that are about sexting. In addition, I have been avoiding work for university for days. I also installed Bumble once again, but have since uninstalled it.
Trigger warning: The other day at the gym, a younger girl obviously put herself on display for me by standing in front of me several times with her butt-boosting leggings. I was extremely keen on her body. But the way she talked to her colleagues, like a young girl around 18,19, turned me off. I was only interested in her backside. I realized that and didn't pursue the matter any further. I get this kind of affection exclusively from women who come from my ethnic group. I am not interested in dating these women at all, unfortunately. Recently, an elderly mailwoman held the door open for me, saying that she was happy to do so for "such an attractive, young man". It feels good to be perceived as attractive. But I have to get out and be active to find people I really want to be with. My life feels a bit miserable at the moment. I wish I had a friend I could just go to the park with. I have no contact with my old friends and don't want to. Making new friends in a big city is also quite challenging.
 
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Day 15 0 Pornfree:
Still working out and eating healthy but the girls at my gym ... I just can't stop fantasizing about them. Wearing those outfits .. it is just too much. Today I saw a normal selfie on reddit and I said fuck it and relapsed hard (images, sexting). I feel so weak. I don't have a social network that could help me focus to overcome my addiction. That's my biggest problem. Reddit was the initiator of my failure. I need to stop using it.
 
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Day 0 NoFap:
I fell hard, multiple times edging and PMO'ing. In a way it felt liberating to have rock solid erections again and I felt incredible highs while edging like when I was on a drug or something. But after I came and ironically came to my senses I felt ashamed. Even while writing these lines there is a hook in me that tries to pull me back into that filth. I am losing complete control. I have to remind myself that porn is not sex. Real sex, real intimacy is valuable. Porn has no value. I rush from one thing to another just to release my semen, feel ashamed and repeat. Ok, PM feels great, sure. But overall it will destroy my life. Just like heroin or alcohol does to people. I once again activated my blocker on my laptop and I want to make sure to visit this forum on a daily basis again.
 
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Yeah, PMO might be as addictive other addictions ... I recommend you the NoA (No Arousal) method.
There is also this awesome thread from William
Watching P isn't the only issue. What keeps our addiction alive is expecting pleasure from it.
 
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Deleted member 26092

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Yeah, PMO might be as addictive other addictions ... I recommend you the NoA (No Arousal) method.
There is also this awesome thread from William
Watching P isn't the only issue. What keeps our addiction alive is expecting pleasure from it.
Interesting read. Thanks man.
 
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Deleted member 26092

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Day 2 NoFap:
Yesterday at the gym there was a woman who I felt was interested in me. I didn't have the courage to approach her. At that moment, I wished I had spent more days with NoFap so I would have more confidence.
 
You are by no means the first person here to disregard their own advice (I've done it myself too in fact), so don't get too hard on yourself over it. Please continue to graciously give your advice, and to remind yourself of its importance in your own journey.

I also occasionally feel my personal balance of lust and love skew heavily towards lust, oblivious in the moment to the values that I want to live by. In my experience it becomes more avoidable when you are able to remind yourself of the virtues of this journey. For example; having a conversation with someone and being able to have genuine interest in what they are saying, as opposed to seeing them as an object and losing interest in the conversation due to the relative lack of dopamine. Also, it seems to get easier with time overall (but not in a perfectly linear 1-direction way).

As for your lack of confidence with women, that's something that I can also relate to. There's not much that I can say about it, but in my experience it also improves with time.

Good luck with your recovery and your relationship endeavors!
 
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Deleted member 26092

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Day 0 Reboot (No P, No M, No O):
I am sick of the addiction. Sick of my life. I need a 90 day full reboot. I can't live like this anymore.
 
Day 0 Reboot (No P, No M, No O):
I am sick of the addiction. Sick of my life. I need a 90 day full reboot. I can't live like this anymore.
Hey bro,

If your reading this, please remember to hold your head up straight and do not feel ashamed for relapsing. I, like you, also struggle to not PMO. Nevertheless we are all still part of the team. We are all quitting porn to rewire our brains and be better everyday. I know that you will make your way!
 
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