To Infinity and Beyond (M, 25)

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Deleted member 26092

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M, soon to be 25, would like to reestablish a social environment in my life. I don't have any friends anymore and the one relationship I had I ended because I was afraid to make a real emotional connection. Masturbating to porn has changed the way I look at the world: For the worse. I want to become a good man. To do that, I need to make a fresh start. I know that an addicted brain will never be 100% healthy again. But I'm ready to take responsibility, and I'm not going to let my life get any worse.
I will be better.
 
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Deleted member 26092

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DAY 1. The first morning doing a hard Reboot. Over the years masturbating to porn has rotten my brain. This has led to connections between nerve cells responsible for my unhealthy way of living. "Studies show these connections continue to strengthen for around seven days following your decision to quit Internet porn, and begin to fade within around four weeks into your abstinence."
This journey will be challenging but "I can do it" (german: Ich schaff das).
 
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DAY 2: I feel good. Yesterday and today I meditated for 10 minutes. I ignored some quick thoughts about P. I'm keeping myself busy during the day with Death Stranding. A game about connections. There are these emails from people living in vaults that you can read. I was in tears when I read one of them and heard the song played in the game: Don't Be So Serious by Low Roar.
 
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Deleted member 26092

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DAY 3: I had one or two pornographic thoughts, but I quickly abandoned them. Today I read a lot and I found joy in meditating.
 
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nothing

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Hey man, I am happy you are meditating. I wonder if meditating several times a day, even if for only a few min each time, will be even better. Distracting yourself with reading or games are also great ideas especially during the holidays when we don't have as much to occupy our time. Best of luck!
 
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Deleted member 26092

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Hey man, I am happy you are meditating. I wonder if meditating several times a day, even if for only a few min each time, will be even better. Distracting yourself with reading or games are also great ideas especially during the holidays when we don't have as much to occupy our time. Best of luck!
Thanks man, I appreciate the kind words! Regarding meditation I am starting slow with daily 10 minutes in the morning. I definitely need to educate myself more on that.
 
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DAY 4: It's still not really challenging to abstain from PMO. I made a timesheet to note every hour of my day. I will also be working out at a new gym near me starting tomorrow.
 
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DAY 5: The internet is very dangerous. So many ads etc. which trigger something in my brain. My brain is rotten, but I will cure it. Even though it's not possible to cure it 100%. I couldn't exercise today. Tomorrow I will start strengthening my body. I feel like my mind is getting stronger every day through NoFap (and its benefits) and meditation.
 
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nothing

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Totally feel you. YouTube for me is a big source of triggers since I sometimes watch ASMR or relaxing videos before sleep or in the afternoon. There might be a positive way of looking at it too. It's kind of nice to notice that once the triggers come, waiting for a relatively short period of time without acting on them DOES make them fade away. Every time this happens, every time I succeed It reinforces my belief that there really is a way to beat this thing.
 
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DAY 8: Today I had some pornographic images and scenes in my head, which quickly faded away. In general I handle No PMO pretty well. I keep myself busy mostly with my family, the dog, or video games. I'm currently thinking to myself how nice it is to have time to play games that I would have otherwise wasted on PMO. Other than that, I went to the gym the other day for the first time in a long time. By the way, it was my birthday and I was reminded once again how bad my life actually is. Professionally I don't know what to do. And friendships I do not maintain. To find partners nowadays it is common to use either dating sites like Bumble or social networks like Instagram. When I created my profile for Bumble a few months ago, I realized how unattractive my life is. I am 25, I live at home, I am studying in a field I don't want to work in, I have no friends, and my favorite hobby is playing videogames alone just for me (I am engaged with it on a deeper level and think of it as a valuable culture).
 
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DAY 13: I feel a little weird right now. Sometimes I come across people on the internet that I find attractive and google them as a result. I close the window without consuming pornographic content, yet I should avoid the process completely so that my brain heals and I don't go down the same tunnels as I did at my worst. Other than that, I've started to workout at the gym and often catch myself looking at women. I don't have a solution for that yet except to continue 100% on NoFap.
 
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forestwater

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Good luck with your journey! You'll probably find that the more you improve your life (exercise, eating right, meditating, socializing, etc.) the easier your reboot will be. You can do this!
 
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DAY 14: Yesterday I had very severe pain in my testicles for several hours. Today I have a strong urge to download a dating app and meet a random person.
 
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dopaminer

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DAY 13: I feel a little weird right now. Sometimes I come across people on the internet that I find attractive and google them as a result. I close the window without consuming pornographic content, yet I should avoid the process completely so that my brain heals and I don't go down the same tunnels as I did at my worst. Other than that, I've started to workout at the gym and often catch myself looking at women. I don't have a solution for that yet except to continue 100% on NoFap.
Hey man, it seems like you're off to a great start! I think I've noticed a similar process happen with me where I'll come across someone attractive online and immediately start searching for more photos of them. It's great that you recognized that happening and were able to stop it. Avoiding fantasizing about the women at the gym could definitely be hard - if there's a way you can position yourself so you have no visual of them (or even finding times when the gym is less busy) might help? Again, it's awesome that you are recognizing what's happening and are trying to steer yourself away - keep it up!
 
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DAY 16: I do not feel well. I've had pain in my testicles since the last journey entry. Besides that I have no motivation. I eat unhealthy, waste time on the internet instead of studying for exams, going out and being active to meet new people. Other than that I deleted my Instagram after being reminded by Jaron Lanier's interviews how much I hate social media. Also I hope I can go back to the gym soon after I hurt my back.
 
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nothing

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Hey man, hang in there. As for the pain in your testicles you might want to go see a doctor about it. And I think it's ok to find women at the gym attractive as long as it's not something you obsess over. Same with celebrities online. It's ok to note to yourself that someone is attractive. Just tell yourself you don't need to look them up further.
 
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Deleted member 26092

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DAY 0 NoFap / DAY 16 Pornfree: The pain in my testicles was too much. In addition, I was plagued by severe pain in my lower back. I could not sit up and felt like a 75 year old. So I relapsed twice before sleeping and once after waking up without porn each time. I had no shame afterwards and felt relieved. The pain in my testicles almost completely disappeared. Masturbation is not bad but I like to have my senses activated to the fullest, so I will start my new streak. Ahh and porn? Yeah, I will never go back to that shit.
 
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Deleted member 26092

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DAY 1 NoFap / DAY 17 Pornfree: Addiction is trying to pull me back into the filth. It's not so easy to resist, but I manage. The internet especially Reddit and Twitter are problematic for me. I want to date people, so my mind is jumping to dating apps. I know those are bad, so I am trying to figure out ways to date without them, especially since I don't have good friends.
 
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DAY 2 NoFap / DAY 18 Pornfree: I am glad that I no longer have physical pain. But mentally I feel confused. I decided to block all websites on my phone and laptop where I spend too much time. Reddit, YouTube, etc.. From now on, only 1x a month, I can do what I want and surf as long as I want. These sites have also been the main trigger of relapses.
I want to have real friendships, but I don't feel like putting effort into it. To go among people, to introduce myself to people, to sell myself to them every time.
I often think about what it would be like to just move to a smaller town and start over, knowing that the problems won't be easily solved.
I'm currently playing Horizon Zero Dawn, an action role-playing game. Here I spend hours discovering new places, making decisions, helping people and being active. The complete opposite of my real life.
 
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