Rock Bottom...

[SLT1978]

8th Jan 22 - Day 10
Spent the day on my own with my two kids as my wife went out for the day. Whereas before, I’d have been grumpy and miserable as my mind was consumed with everything going on in my life, yesterday was really positive. Achieved a lot and had a laugh with both of my children. Plus it’s really nice not being on my phone all the time - I think I was trying to use it as some sort of distraction from what’s going on in my head. Long May this continue.

 

[Tryinghere]

Hi guys, I am definitely at rock bottom here as well. On day 3 now with full resolve to stop. My wife is disgusted with me and I can't blame her. I confessed to using porn and masturbating yet again about 3 days ago, this is on top of worsening ED that I've been experiencing with her over the last couple years...and some lies re searching up social media 'soft porn' images. She hates me right now and I may lose her this time. In any case even if she does leave (which I desperately hope does not happen), I'm done. I've never taken this route ie going on forums, reading the science behind this issue, reading about success stories and failures. Also have put content blockers on my devices and will go to counselling regularly. I feel like a loser...45 years old and still doing this...but I guess kind of relieved in a way that I now have the tools and resolve to stop this cold. Anyway, for the early days at least I think an accountability partner would be helpful but not sure how to go about finding one. If anyone is interested let me know, or perhaps where I should look. Yes, I wonder if I shouldn't have told my wife, but I'm not sure I would have been so totally shaken up and depressed as I am now, to be so resolved to deal with this. I think the moment I realized I am really, REALLY an addict was the morning after our fight when I was totally devastated and depressed, I actually started looking at porn for a few minutes for comfort I guess and a way to escape for a bit...the very damn thing that has caused all my problems! I stopped watching, disgusted, and at that very moment started reading up properly about this issue, FOR REAL this time. I can't say enough how helpful it's been. Good luck to you all.

I’m 40. Married. Children. I’m at over 100 days now. If you need anything or need accountability partner, let me know

 

[Tryinghere]

8th Jan 22 - Day 10
Spent the day on my own with my two kids as my wife went out for the day. Whereas before, I’d have been grumpy and miserable as my mind was consumed with everything going on in my life, yesterday was really positive. Achieved a lot and had a laugh with both of my children. Plus it’s really nice not being on my phone all the time - I think I was trying to use it as some sort of distraction from what’s going on in my head. Long May this continue.

Keep it up man. You’re doing great.

 

[Hannibal]

8th Jan 22 - Day 10
Spent the day on my own with my two kids as my wife went out for the day. Whereas before, I’d have been grumpy and miserable as my mind was consumed with everything going on in my life, yesterday was really positive. Achieved a lot and had a laugh with both of my children. Plus it’s really nice not being on my phone all the time - I think I was trying to use it as some sort of distraction from what’s going on in my head. Long May this continue.

Keep going. You are facing challenges and beating them and that will reinforce in your mind that it can be done and is the right thing to do.

 

[SLT1978]

09/01/2022 - Day 11
Sunday was another positive day - got up and went for a bike ride. First time in about 4 months. It was tough and my body was done at the end but I met up with people I'd not seen for a long time and the sense of achievement at the end was immense. The afternoon was spent preparing a meal with my wife and spending time with my children. Had an early night last night and feeling good from getting some sleep.

 

[Tryinghere]

09/01/2022 - Day 11
Sunday was another positive day - got up and went for a bike ride. First time in about 4 months. It was tough and my body was done at the end but I met up with people I'd not seen for a long time and the sense of achievement at the end was immense. The afternoon was spent preparing a meal with my wife and spending time with my children. Had an early night last night and feeling good from getting some sleep.

Congratulations on making pst your first week! What a great accomplishment. Have you given anymore thought to coming clean to your lady? How’s your thought process on that?

 

[SLT1978]

10/01/22 - Day 12
I was back at work but managed to keep busy with the new job - video calls and appointments. Checked in with my parents. It’s really tough on them - I feel like I’ve passed my problem onto them but they are both saying that the problem has been shared rather than given to them. They’re being so understanding about it all.
I do feel a lot more positive at the moment and talking about it (on here and to my parents) has really helped me keep going. Im going to keep strong, for my parents, for my wife and for my two kids. I’ve got too much to lose

 

[SLT1978]

Congratulations on making pst your first week! What a great accomplishment. Have you given anymore thought to coming clean to your lady? How’s your thought process on that?

Hi,
I can’t consider this as an option at the minute. It would destroy everything. I’m aware that her finding out after the event would destroy everything as well and it seems counter intuitive but I can’t cope do that at the minute. I know people on here may not agree and think in order to be completely “clean” i need to be honest with everyone but I can’t right now…sorry

 

[Tryinghere]

Hi,
I can’t consider this as an option at the minute. It would destroy everything. I’m aware that her finding out after the event would destroy everything as well and it seems counter intuitive but I can’t cope do that at the minute. I know people on here may not agree and think in order to be completely “clean” i need to be honest with everyone but I can’t right now…sorry

No need to apologize to me my friend. We each have to walk our own path to victory. I personally found that having an open discussion with my spouse to be necessary in helping me recover. That said.....it would have been awesome if I could have rebooted and recovered without her ever knowing there was a problem. That just wasn't the case for me. Best of luck to you man. Keep us posted on how things are going

 

[Nick Dills]

I’m 40. Married. Children. I’m at over 100 days now. If you need anything or need accountability partner, let me know

Hi @Tryinghere, sure an accountability partner would be great. I'm at day 9, highly doubt I'll ever relapse but now am going through a terrible period with my wife due to this issue. We're separated, not sure what will happen. I'd be grateful for any advice you might have on how your relationship recovered from this (I assume it has). I have 3 children...not good. Depressed AF.

 

[Tryinghere]

Hi @Tryinghere, sure an accountability partner would be great. I'm at day 9, highly doubt I'll ever relapse but now am going through a terrible period with my wife due to this issue. We're separated, not sure what will happen. I'd be grateful for any advice you might have on how your relationship recovered from this (I assume it has). I have 3 children...not good. Depressed AF.

I’ve got 3 kids too. I’m 41. And married.

 

[Tryinghere]

I’ve got 3 kids too. I’m 41. And married.

Currently at day 100something. I’ve not counted days. It I estimate my reboot started on September 20th. We’ve not separated. I’m fact, I’ll go on the record saying my relationship with my spouse has been very strong throughout. Aside from that it sounds like we’re living the same story.
I agree with you. I’m not worried about relapse myself. My dick stopped working and I know what it’s like to have a good sex life. That by itself is motivation enough to never look at porn again.

 

[Tryinghere]

@Nick Dills if I may ask. What’s your end goal with your wife? Are you trying to salvage the marriage or is it too far gone?

 

[Ive Swornoff]

I've recently discovered Dr. Trish Leigh's videos out on YouTube (couple months ago). Watching a few of them might help both you and your wife work through it. Her to get a better understanding, and you ... because she has a lot of really great advice. A lot of which you've seen here, but sometimes different perspectives click better with different people.

I'm coming up on 7 months and 12 days here. It can be done, one day at a time.

Oh, and I have a long way to go. I let it get really bad, to where I probably fried more than my brain.

I just watched several. This is the last one I watched. Watch a bunch of them. Yeah, she sells a program - and it might be worth it but her free videos will help out enough, I think.

 

[SLT1978]

11th Jan 2022 - Day 13
Another positive day...busy with work and keeping my mind away from all things P. Had meetings with lots of new people today which made me feel better. Have been working in isolation (as many have) for the last two year which I don't think has helped. Talking to family members has helped and is giving me some sense of a deterrent as well.

 

[SLT1978]

12th Jan 2022 - Day 14
Its been two weeks - its the longest I've gone for a long long time without using any P. Feeling SO much more positive about life, family and moving forwards from this. Looking forward to being "fun" dad again having missed out on awful lot because of this horrible addiction. Still taking it one day at a time...keeping strong...

 

[SLT1978]

No need to apologize to me my friend. We each have to walk our own path to victory. I personally found that having an open discussion with my spouse to be necessary in helping me recover. That said.....it would have been awesome if I could have rebooted and recovered without her ever knowing there was a problem. That just wasn't the case for me. Best of luck to you man. Keep us posted on how things are going

It might be something I can discuss with her in the future but its not something I can contemplate at the moment...
Thanks for your good wishes and for your responses to my postings. It's good to know that others are reading this and potentially getting something from my ramblings. It's nice that we're talking about this...

 

[TOBAF]

Keep up the good work

 

[Tryinghere]

12th Jan 2022 - Day 14
Its been two weeks - its the longest I've gone for a long long time without using any P. Feeling SO much more positive about life, family and moving forwards from this. Looking forward to being "fun" dad again having missed out on awful lot because of this horrible addiction. Still taking it one day at a time...keeping strong...

Two weeks. Well shit yeah! I get what you mean about "fun dad". I found that the further along in my journey I went, the more I was slowly able to focus in on staying in the present moment. To enjoy the moment you're in with your children and also the other people around you. Keep it up my dude.

 

[SLT1978]

Day 15 - 13th Jan 2022
Another good day - no intrusive thoughts. Keeping busy with work and enjoying this new found freedom. Not taking anything for granted.
It's been two weeks today (14th Jan) since I started this thread. Its a nice impetus to write this on a daily basis and keep track of how I am doing.