I imagine a lot of new journals are opened on here around this time of the year. This is me jumping on the wagon! (Trigger warning since I'll be describing my history with PMO.)
Problem
I am a 25 year old physics graduate student who has been trying to quit PMO for about a year and a half. I started watching porn when I was about 13. Found some clips on my dad's computer and eventually started looking more regularly when I got my own laptop a year later. I can't think of any traumatic experience that I was coping with via porn. For a long time I didn't really consider it a big deal mostly because I was interested in what others would consider soft porn (Playboy shoots and the like). I am a practicing Muslim so there was always a sense of guilt surrounding it. But the guilt wore away very quickly after a session. I never dwelled on it.
However, halfway through college I started experiencing the first signs of ED where I couldn't get erections at will and the erections didn't last all the way to orgasm. Things escalated when a couple of years ago I a) started developing fetishes that disgusted me b) got hooked on camgirls. The transition from college to grad school was a difficult one for me and definitely contributed to this escalation. I also started a long distance relationship (which I am still happily a part of) around this time. The real wake up call was the camgirls. As of today I've spent >$10,339.55 on camgirls which means on average about a quarter of my income has gone to feed this addiction. Naturally I've racked up some debt. I've recently consolidated this debt and should be able to recover financially in a year or two given that I stop immediately.
I have observed that I still have issues with erection when watching fetish videos or camgirls. And when I stay away from porn the physical craving goes away fairly quickly. But a few days later, usually when I am stressed or bored, the thought of porn or camgirls will poke into my mind and from then on my body acts as if on autopilot. From all this I conclude that PMO is not helping me relieve stress or boredom even in the short term since not being able to get an erection is more frustrating than anything else. Instead I relapse because I wrongly believe that as soon as I've had the thought I will end up relapsing soon anyway. Perhaps I'll be able to ignore the urge for a while. Perhaps I'll even be able to go to sleep that night and wake up the next morning without relapsing. But eventually I will relapse. So I might as well give in.
Strategy
I should note that I am fairly good at making it hard for myself access both regular porn and camgirls (with browser blockers and such). I am also very good at tracking my progress, have good relationships with people and live a healthy lifestyle minus some work related stress. Therefore, what I want to add to my approach is the following protocol for dismissing urges: As soon as I get an urge I will
1) Remind myself that "I am not a slave to my thoughts".
2) Notice the urge from the outside, with curiosity and without judgment.
3) Find something in the urge to break the fantasy. For instance, remembering that camgirls are like real life women I know who are likely putting up a facade of being confident nymphomaniacs to earn money. They have family, siblings, perhaps even kids.
4) Try to destress via breathing. Two breaths in, one long breath out.
5) Go for a 20-30 min walk.
6) Pray.
Each action kicks in if the previous one is insufficient. The entire protocol is designed to counteract the "autopilot" effect. The first action is meant to counteract the misbelief I mentioned earlier. I believe if I can go long enough stretches without PMO this misbelief will start to fade. Another thing I am going to do to weaken this misbelief is to understand that relapses are a part of the process. In case I do relapse I want to make sure that the relapse doesn't last for long. Therefore, I plan to offer prayers after each relapse (much like Catholics do confessions) and hope that doing so will allow me to get back on track as quickly as possible.
I also plan on offering prayers 5 times a day since I've noticed from my tracking that periods when I am praying regularly coincide with fewer relapses, perhaps because my days have a more rigid structure when I pray and the prayers serve to relieve stress at regular periods instead of letting it build up. I'll also post on this forum every night, even if it is a single line stating whether I have relapsed or not. Hopefully this will keep me accountable. I also plan on looking at the other posts to provide encouragement and extract advice and hope that others will do the same for me.
Let's have a wonderful PMO-free 2022 everyone!