Fighting For Love


Respected Member
@ActivistNotWacktivist thank you for your writing and powerful images
I can feel the struggle you are going through.
please dont be so hard on yourself.

It is good that you are a thoughtful and introspective person.
This gives opportunity to direct yourself and mind towards more effective knowledge and solutions.

Recognize that PMO does lead to negative thinking and behaviours
It strips people of energy and focus and lets them wallow in themselves and self pity
It creates entitled, needy and demanding personality that are never happy with whatever they are blessed to have

Successful or not, rebooting is necessary to restore one's balance with self, nature and reality

I encourage you to find alternative forms of interest or passion or goals.
Right now it seems reading sexual articles form one of your interests.
Ask yourself why
Ask yourself what benefits or harm it brings to you
ask yourself what personal goals do you have
ask yourself what you should spend your precious time on to better be able to attain your goal.
Post-Midnight Post #723

@TakeActionNow Thank you for your thorough post. I have answers to all of those questions, and now that my answer to whether or not I'll read another sex article is "no" those answers will have more significance.

I'll start off with some good news
I occasionally view my desires to relapse on porn and masturbation in a personified way, with the person often being the woman who was my favorite porn actress. In her material she would tend to radiate a succubus aura, but I suppose that most other actresses do as well. She's among the most common of my thoughts that I resort to while masturbating, which is obviously unhealthy. The ease at which I can visualize her attempting to seduce me into these sorts of behaviors freaks me out, along with how often these visualizations occur. It feels like a sick fantastical sporadic relationship, one that I need to walk away from. As a side note, she has a characteristic that relates to this old post:
ActivistNotWacktivist said:
One of the many cultural harms of pornography is the fetishization of characteristics that are not naturally sexual. This objectifies people for things that should be negligible, things that are often beyond their control. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between genuine preferences and this phenomenon, but it's clear to me that porn can easily influence its consumers to cross the line.
In her case it's her accent, but the relevance of that factor in my life is weaker than the race examples since accents are generally less diverse within a region than race is (mine included)
As of a few weeks ago, my thoughts regarding this woman haven't been much more common than my other pornographic ones. This is probably mostly due to my inability to remember what her body looks like, knowledge that I'm more than happy to be lacking. The way in which I remember other aspects of her more strongly is kind of a good and funny sign in my opinion; it makes me feel like (as a whole) I objectify less and appreciate the non-body characteristics more.

I've had almost no urges today, and I'm now more adamant about blocking out sexually harmful thoughts.

I noticed something about yesterday's masturbation relapse in hindsight: It was the tipping point in my "This isn't a true relapse" phase, a phase that applied to both masturbation and porn. I didn't stop my hands from making their way to near my penis, and this wasn't the first time that this had happened, but this time I took it too far, even though it was a more "softcore" method of masturbation. I was valuing upholding the dates in my Signature more than respecting the nuanced realities and necessities of recovery, and look at where the masturbation date ended up because of it. I've known for a while now to avoid this mentality, and I will not let this reminder be forgotten.

A few hours ago I hopped into the Discord call that my real-life friends do practically nightly, and one of them mentioned that he tried having sex with a woman who he started dating fairly recently but his penis wouldn't fit very well. It's a small victory for me in the sense that one of my arguments was anecdotally proven, but it's a large defeat for him to be faced with such an obstacle. Naturally I felt bad about it; I tried giving him advice like informing him of the usefulness of foreplay but he didn't want to talk too extensively about sex, and the conversation quickly shifted to something else anyways. If something similar happens to me after all of those years of insecurity, that just might be the most ironic moment of my life. [4/22 EDIT: This conversation topic was brought up again recently, and we concluded that her inability to accommodate him was probably caused mainly by her being nervous. They split up a while ago, but this is still useful knowledge to have, not just for him but for every guy]
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If I read another one of those fucking articles again it'll be very difficult to forgive myself.
…Well, turns out that I was right. Here's a detailed account of what happened:

My penis had been much more flaccid that day (Sunday 3/27) and Saturday, compared to the frequent erections that I kept getting for a while before that. Like I said about Friday in my last post I hadn't been thinking many pornographic thoughts. It helped that I spent a lot of time with friends or acquaintances, and when I was alone I enjoyed some hobby activities. I've had the idea of filming a brief video for this journal, and I decided that it would be attempted on Sunday. The main purpose of it would be to put a face to my journal, which would make me more invested and portray my journey as more "human". The video would be filmed on a brand-new camera that I bought a long time ago with the intention of making YouTube videos, but over time I've lost interest in those video ideas.

Ironically, I used watching YouTube to procrastinate on doing this, to the point where once I got up off of my butt to go get it started I should've already gone to sleep. After figuring out the basics of the camera and tripod and charging the former, I filmed 1 improvised "take". But after watching the first few seconds of it I decided that it wasn't the one. I felt insecure about my physical appearance and voice and mannerisms and the publicness of it, but looking at it rationally those things are improved by confidence so insecurity is the wrong route to take. What really made it unusable was the lack of cohesiveness, which I've been trying to avoid since this journal's beginning. It will be difficult to meet this demand while staying as scriptless as I can, but it's a useful skill to develop. I planned to film a second attempt today, but due to sleep concerns it's been postponed.

I went to bed after this, and by now it was pretty late. I was feeling one of those self-sabotaging stubborn urges that I still get sometimes, in this case the urge to stay up very late. I started to write a new journal entry, and I decided to jokingly use the term "onety-one" at one point, a term for the number 11 that I had heard before and thought was funny. Out of curiosity, I started to research the term, and one of the search results was about something else and was somewhat sexual. This reminded me of an old television show scene that was also somewhat sexual that I had seen shared on PurpleSquare, a scene that I didn't remember much about. So I tried to figure out more about that scene, which led me to looking up other stuff, which is how I ended up at a sex article, which led me to a more explicit one. This process had awoken my penis from its slumber, and the excitement of that overtook me. Sometime after leaving the last article, the actions of my hands had clearly crossed the line into masturbation territory. I used a mixture of my traditional and basic technique + the one that I used for the first promise-breaker + some other ones that are more niche for me. As shitty as I feel for once again failing hard to commit and clearly regressing in my recovery, I have to admit that the orgasm felt really good. It's both awkward and challenging to be in this personally innovative position considering that I'm not supposed to be doing the act at all, at least for a while. By this time I was only going to get about half of the amount of sleep that I consider adequate. Curiosity was a factor in both the spurring of the relapse and the act itself; I'll keep that in mind...(Also YouTube usage is obviously still an issue for me)

EDIT: I totally forgot about a key and positive part of the story while I was writing it: After the relapse I decided to begin to use a porn-blocking software. Those last sex articles were very close to what I would personally consider a porn relapse in the context of my own journey, and I've already recently found out how those sort of lines can be crossed the hard way. The software that I chose was Remojo, since I'm acquainted with one of its employees. I began the setup that night and continued it today (3/28); at this point the essentials on my end seem to be done. Sunny accepted my request for her to be an "Accountability Partner" through the app, which to my knowledge entails that she would be aware of any inappropriate web-surfing of mine. As long as I don't forget about that factor, I should be able to control myself.
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Post-Midnight Post #12Q

Progress lessened
Lessons repeated
Learn from them
Or be defeated

  • My urges are much stronger when I'm in my room
  • ^I can't let my gym attendance fall apart once I have a legitimate reason to take a break
  • If I delay writing entries then my recollection of and analysis on things suffers, and getting back on track becomes difficult
  • After re-watching the film In the Name of the Father (which mostly takes place in a prison) I started to value my freedom more, but like I mentioned in an earlier entry I already learned this lesson with One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • Masturbation is less enjoyable the more frequently that I do it
I recently realized that I'm a hack fraud hypocrite coward. Remember when I said this in my opening post?:
I'm aware that images this tame are considered by many people to not actually be "porn"; but me and some other members of these communities consider porn to have a more broad classification that generally includes all content intended to create sexual arousal, even if it is relatively not very explicit.
If I were to apply this criteria to my own journey, then some of my past porn-substitute viewing would probably count as actual relapses. And it's worth mentioning that the most explicit examples of those were arguably about as bad as the material that caused what I consider to be my first of 13 porn relapses. I was ignoring yet another lesson that I've learned many times, one that I've even told others: Prioritize the reality of your recovery over your streaks. As a compromise, I've added "Last time viewing porn substitutes" to my Signature.

In an effort to avoid those substitutes, and to appease my old Save Data-clearing mentality, I stopped using my old YouTube Account and am using a brand new one. This is something that I'd considered before, and the algorithm recommending a decently lewd series of videos to me that I proceeded to watch was the tipping point. Now I'm making sure that every video I watch is something that's good for me :)

Here's another old lesson that I was reminded of this week: Don't binge once you relapse. I was picking at the skin on my scalp, with the excuse that it didn't really matter since my hair conceals it. Shortly after I decided that this was a relapse, I picked at the rest of my skin too. At this point I plan on wearing long sleeves as much as possible, and only being shirtless when necessary. This happened on the 30th, but the next day I caught myself picking at my upper lip. It's not exactly the same problem, but I chose to include it in the steak counter anyways. I've almost done it again accidentally several times since then.

I feel like my resurgence of "experimentation" with masturbation ended with the mediocre and less innovative session on Friday 4/1 that I alluded to above. Experiments have ended, promises have priority!
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I may have underestimated, not to mention my other speech imperfections...
Hey man, is that a drum kit I see in the background there? When last did you play that? And thank you for sharing on video as well - what a powerful and vulnerable way of sharing. What a cool idea. Keep it up man - and don’t let those substitutes get into your head. They’re so evil to someone who is just (re)starting their fight against porn.
Lucky number 13 right? This is your time.
Hey man, is that a drum kit I see in the background there? When last did you play that?
Yeah it is, I play on most days that I have an opportunity to do so without bothering my family members too much. I brought it up in an earlier post:
My drum set has an interesting role in my reboot: It was dissembled and put away for space reasons that existed for a brief period of time a while ago, but I never bothered to set it back up until I needed to practice on it to help my brother with a school project 2 or 3 months ago. After that long hiatus I rediscovered how fun it was, enjoyment that I was able to properly embrace without the brain-frying dopamine-based influences of porn and PurpleSquare.
Lucky number 13 right? This is your time.
That's been part of my logic all along 😄
Post-Midnight Post #30,709,256,093

I tried to post a new entry yesterday morning, but it glitched out and I lost all of the writing. Remembering and wording what's been going on since the posting of the video will be a bit of a challenge, but I shouldn't use that an excuse to stop writing in this for an even longer period of time.

The week started off in the all-too-common way of having only a few hours of sleep in preparation for Monday. This led to the less usual behavior of taking a nap after work, which set the stage for a nap the next day that basically gave me nearly a full night's sleep but 4 hours early. I had felt tired and unmotivated on both Monday and Tuesday due to my crumby habits, and thus I replaced going to the gym with browsing Reddit. I've never used Reddit very much for non-porn purposes; the things that influenced my decision to do so this week were a desire to see some funny content and a lack of commitment to the "productively" theme that I've established. In the past, the former influence would've been fulfilled by PurpleSquare. My strategy was to find humor-focused subreddits and browse their Top Posts Of All Time (this was on mobile so the amount of posts that were loaded was fortunately more limited). There were two subreddits in particular that left a strong impression on me. The earlier-visited one was dedicated to featuring screenshots from PurpleSquare. I know that this sounds silly, but browsing that one was sporadically emotional for me. Being reminded of that part of my life, and feeling like I haven't improved things enough. I'm not entirely sure why I chose to visit that one and "complete" it. The second impactful subreddit was one that had a lower concentration of humor than I had expected, instead having a large amount of political content. That stuff reminded me of how the world can seem so different from the perspectives of various people. That's a concept that has made me cautious to developing strong feelings on things of importance, wanting to be able to make informed judgements. One of the reasons why I'm more interested in sexual exploitation topics compared to other issues is that they are generally more black-and-white, especially in terms of recognizing the problems.

I didn't have many urges or instances of hardness on Monday or Tuesday. I keep getting bothered by the lack of the latter too much; I feel an irrational sense of weakness without those erections. After my morning shower on Wednesday I basically looked at my naked reflection for the purpose of getting one, when I could've been eating breakfast instead. Later that day I found out that I have Covid, which made me glad that I hadn't been to the gym in 4 days. This sickness is yet another lesson of appreciating your decent health and freedom while you have it, maybe now I'll thoroughly absorb it. Wednesday was also the day that I discovered and used a loophole around the blocker in order to view porn substitutes. I used it very briefly, feeling like a true addict, getting those "hits". I came to my senses before any masturbating began, but that didn't stop me from doing it after a typical urge hit me today (Thursday). My drive for experimentation had resurfaced, this time involving something that I had last attempted years ago. I once again failed, and eventually settled on something more traditional. I know that these frequent relapses are getting pathetic, and in hindsight I strongly regret it, but that session ended up putting a stupid smile on my face. I'll have longer-lasting and more powerful smiles once I get over this shit and live a fuller life. At least this session continued the trend of barely using any fantasy.

There's another anti-masturbatory precaution that I had in my arsenal, I just used it. It's one of the few things that I don't feel comfortable sharing in this journal, but trust me when I say that it's a big deal.
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Remembering and wording what's been going on since the posting of the video will be a bit of a challenge, but I shouldn't use that an excuse to stop writing in this for an even longer period of time.
HAHAHAHAHAHA, my words continue to be worthless. I want to make waves in society yet I can't even consistently create ripples in my measly puddle of a journal.
I ended the journal last month once I concluded that it didn't meet my standards for something that I'd suggest for other people to read.
🤣 Normally I refrain from using this word, but I look like a bitch right now.

In regards to my health, I've felt normal since last Sunday (4/10) if not sooner. I was sent home from work last Monday to be on the safe side (I'm vaccinated but not boosted), I'll be going back this upcoming Monday. This means that I've been lacking the stress of work (which will likely be stronger than usual once I go back), but dealing with the "danger" of plenty of free time.

I deleted Reddit off of my phone shortly after my last post, utilizing the occasional obnoxiousness of its users and my hatred for advertisements to fuel the decision. In addition to those things, I got tired of seeing political stuff in subreddits that I expected to be more fun. My miscellaneous Internet usage is now once again primarily characterized by reading Wikipedia.

Things have been mostly bad on the streaks front. I masturbated on Monday and Wednesday, returned to an old porn substitute Wednesday, and picked at my skin a few times (as recently as Thursday). On a more positive note; I felt the need to trim my left thumb's nail, and this time I was able to keep it at that instead of resorting to picking at it along with the rest of them. I feel like my picture strategy has worked very well, so I'm using this post to apply a similar strategy to my skin-picking, which I've been relapsing on more often than before.
sskkiinn (2).jpg
This is something that I peeled off on Wednesday. Not as effective of an image, I know, but I trust that it'll get the job done...This journal keeps getting weirder and weirder haha

There's a forest park down the road from my workplace. Before I began the walk home on Monday I spent some time exploring it. At one point I accidentally stepped in mud that went nearly up to my knees. To add on to such an experience, I decided to wade across a river in order to leave the park as opposed to backtracking. It was about 8 meters or so wide, reaching as high as my belly button, with a current that forced me to actively try not to fall and a temperature that made my genitals feel funny. Traversing it felt like an accomplishment, a trial of nature that made me feel more alive and capable.

I wasn't quite as high-spirited after I got home though. I ended up laying in my bed, not really feeling like doing much or even eating the lunch that I had packed. It was composed of the same foods that I had been eating for the majority of my lunches for the last several months; foods that are good for me but were really starting to get boring. Urges to masturbate eventually arrived, and I just wanted them to go away easily so I caved in. It was one of those sessions that felt relaxing and natural enough to call into question my attempt at masturbation abstinence, but I remain in favor of it. Wednesday's session wasn't as justified: It was done out of procrastination, and was inspired by a porn substitute. I'm clearly not taking the blocker very seriously, it seems to be yet another thing that my addicted brain can create excuses around.
"It's OK, no one will notice that you went there. You just need to get this off your chest and then you can study afterwards".
That's not how I want to live
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While I was dreaming 2 nights ago, I had one of those "Hey this is a dream, I can make sexual advances on women with nothing to lose" moments of realization. I ended up having some sexual activity with a woman in the confines of the dream, but it was difficult to sustain in terms of maintaining the visuals and the dreaming itself. I feel like the easiness of this visualization is positively correlated with the amount of sexual experience that one has, which would explain why I often struggle. It ended (seemingly without a physical finish) as the last true dream of the night, and my efforts to tap back into it or begin a different sexual dream were unsuccessful. So last night once I went to bed, with the intention of yielding a better outcome, I summoned a variety of sexual thoughts. I'm not sure how helpful that strategy is towards my goal, but it proved to be very effective at sparking a masturbation relapse. As has happened before, at least I didn't really need any fantasy once I got going. It didn't help that I didn't feel very sleepy at the time, due in part to using my computer right before going to bed (which is unhealthy for practically everyone, not just porn addicts). I feel like a loser for failing at this so consistently. There is a calendar-related reason to try harder than usual to keep this relapse date as the most recent; I don't want to explain it but it's kind of funny and can prove to be legitimately effective.

My dad helped me fix my bike last Tuesday, and I've been riding it often since then. I feel a sense of freedom while doing so, and a sense of more thoroughly living. The sidewalks in my town (and in some cases those of other towns nearby) have too many imperfections to be comfortable to ride on, so I tend to stick to the roads. This relative danger adds to the latter sense, but I still try to follow all of the bicycling laws and play it safe when I can.

I mentioned studying for something in my last post, and left it at that. That must've been confusing for those of you who remember me mentioning that I dropped out of school years ago. The test that I was studying for was the Learner's Permit test, which I took and passed the following day. You may also remember this segment of my journal:
I made a relatively exciting breakthrough yesterday: I read through all of my state's Driver's Manual in order to prepare myself for the permit test that I will set up soon.
That was posted on January 24th. "Soon"? And you know what my ridiculous excuse of an excuse to put it off for so long was?: Setting up the test was mildly confusing. What a fucking joke. I've been avoiding these various adult things that I'm clearly behind on like the plague. And what about the fact that I've planned my entry into the dating scene around developing my own automobile capabilities? I keep feeling sorry for myself over my romantic isolation, but it took me almost 3 months to solve an easy problem heavily involved with it that was formed by previous years of stubborn yet cowardly inaction. And to make this overarching blunder even more regrettable: In just a few days the woman who's probably my favorite active musician is performing a concert in my state, and if I had this category of shit together I could drive over there and attend, but because I don't and the bike ride is far too long I have to miss it. I've had a policy for a while now of only asking for rides from other people when necessary, and this sort of thing fails to qualify due to its unessential and committal nature. I've recognized the need for my independence, but my actions haven't adequately lived up to that recognition
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In between my last 2 actual relapse, there were two close masturbation calls that occurred. In the beginning of last week I finished Valkyria Chronicles, and on Thursday (4/14) I began a playthrough of 4 for the first time. I got a couple of hours into it, and within that timeframe a certain non-player-character had a decent amount of screen time. Normally the character archetype that she belongs to is kind of middling for me in terms of attraction, but she was an exception. Her outfit wasn't revealing at all, but I was still very much able to develop interest in her body, and her personality and aura furthered the attraction. I stopped playing the game due to my concerns of her potential to spark a masturbation relapse, and I continue to stand by this decision. I'm not too disappointed about missing out on the game; obviously my recovery is way more important. Also I'm pretty sure that the game has a beach "episode" later on like the first one did (and like pretty much every other anime thing ever does too); that could really get me going. Overall I'm glad that I was able to become so aroused by a character under such circumstances; I've come a long way in the last several months in terms of reversing my desensitization.

Of course, real women continue to interest me much more than fictional ones. When I went to the DMV and saw women out in public (something that I hadn't done much of in the last several days), I felt that fire inside of me reignite. As per usual I actively tried not to be creepy; the fraction of a second of looking at them that happens as a part of our survival instinct is enough for me to receive that motivational feeling.

Motivation is great, but as I've discussed before there are negative emotions that can be evoked by doing things like this too. I've been giving too much attention to the "despair" of my romantic isolation recently, not specifically due to seeing women in public but also due to other random sources plus more general self-conjured things. I've been going back to thoughts like "What if I was able to easily and legally access a prostitute(s)?", "What if I could guarantee that her exploitation level was at a relative minimum?", "What if the rhetoric about sex work empowerment is true, and I'd be supporting a positive movement by being a sex buyer?", "What if I really do 'deserve' sex at this point in my life?", "What if using their 'service' could help me to prepare for an actual relationship?", "What if I was able to experience a wealth of intimacy with the prostitute(s) despite the nature of the transaction?".

......Lies. I could never genuinely morally justify visiting a prostitute, I should save sex for women who I really care about romantically (especially in regards to my virginity), and no one is ever entitled to sex. Just a few more months, right? haha

I shaved/cut off the vast majority of my facial hair about a week ago, utilizing advice from my friends. I really like how it turned out; my opinion on my looks had been declining but this made up for it and then some. Now I just need to worry about my physique, my skin, and the plethora of non-body issues that I have. I just shaved again to maintain the look, here's a pic that I took after doing so.

Whoops, not only did I forget to describe the other close call, I also forgot to mention that this is another Post-Midnight Post (those 2 things are probably correlated 😅). The second one happened last Saturday, not too long before the relapse. I don't remember how exactly I got to the point (I was probably having one of those lazy days that just blends together), but I caught myself looking in the bathroom mirror at my dick AGAIN and on the verge of masturbating. I quickly got my clothes back on, slipped on some shoes, and bolted out of my house down the road. I didn't stop until I was out of breathe, getting home by walking while listening to some tunes. I took my Marching strategy to a new level with that one!

Speaking of tunes, early on in my Covid break I completed the beginning of a rewarding project. In the past when I've listened to music while at work or doing other things, I've either selected albums or put on a YouTube Music mix. What I want to do now is create individual playlists for my favorite artists composed of all of their songs, vaguely ordered by how much I like them (and without making consecutive songs too similar). The first and only band that I've done this for so far is the 20th-century Spanish folk group Nuestro Pequeño Mundo. I should do this for other artists soon; obviously I like NPM but I only want to listen to them so often, you know?
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Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Well done on the self-reflection and the overall progress! You're completely right that going for casual sex won't help anything. Before I ever had sex I felt like I would have this massive change when I finally did, and society encourages that idea. After I "lost my virginity," nothing changed except now I could say that I'd had sex. That was it. I still wanted to PMO the same amount--maybe even more--and I was just as lonely and had the same issues.

Here's my two cents (feel free to disregard or disagree, just my experience): if you want to stop masturbating, you have to resist fantasizing as much as possible. It always leads back to the same place, sooner or later, especially if it recalls imagery from porn or p-subs. You can redirect fantasizing about sex if you have something else that you can fantasize about, like if you're working on a project that excites you or you have life dreams you can focus on. I often try to do that before sleep when I would normally fantasize.

Also you look fresh dude, nothing to worry about... if a woman is really worth it she's not gonna be worried about minor bodily imperfections. (Especially physique or other stuff you can't see with clothes on.)
Post-Midnight Post #3##33####3#3#33#333###3#333###33##33##333#3#3###3

A week or so ago I got a music video of a band that I kind of like recommended to me on YouTube. All of the band members are men, but the thumbnail featured a young woman standing in front of them, which made me curious. I gave the video a shot and watched it last night, and to be honest it was mostly because I thought that she was beautiful. The song is decades old, but the video was created in modern times. The premise of the video is that the character that this woman is playing researches the band, and "visits" the band's older music videos. The video is really cool, and I respect the artistic integrity of it, but personally it felt "unhealthy" for me. It seems to have a tertiary goal of showcasing her beauty (in a clothed way thankfully), and boy was that effective on me. It didn't really give me any masturbation or porn urges, but I could sense the danger of going down some sort of "Looking at content featuring cute women" route. I feel like the video has some parallels with the app TikTok, and so do some of the people in the Comments section. I never really got into TikTok, but I know that there are plenty of problems involved with it, including ones that are similar to some of the issues involving porn.

I'm renewing my effort to write a new journal entry every day, maybe this time it won't fail horribly. Along with that, I'm also going to do some more rereading of my old journal. Doing so will certainly help with my recovery in the present, and it'll provide me with more material for this new journal. Here's a memorable snippet from one of the first entries:
I was just playing one of those female anime character-creator games and when I gave her a hairstyle I am fond of I got a boner. I tabbed out and let my body settle down (I'm on my lunch break at my workplace right now). I interpret this as a sign of healthy sexuality
Playing those games was definitely a void-filling thing. I gave more recognition to this observation and thus stopped playing them shortly after writing that entry.

...Woah, I just re-realized that I haven't had a relapse nightmare in a long time. Gotta count my blessings

Here's some solid snippets from August:
Abstaining from masturbation has been a serious challenge so far, but there is a factor that has proven to help me. As I have distanced myself from porn my conception of sex has been becoming more grounded in reality and my possible future sexual experiences. I am more appreciative of the emotional factors of sex than before, which doesn't translate as strongly into wanting to masturbate when compared to the physical aspects.
While I had gotten off on sheer horniness and physical pleasure on Saturday, these more recent sessions were fueled primarily by my memories of porn. Part of the reason why I did it twice was because I had more categories of porn stored in my brain that I wanted to "catch up on" that I hadn't fit in during the first session
When I went to the pharmacy to buy new earbuds I saw an employee who I knew from high school. Our school has a sort of light mentorship program where Freshman are grouped in groups of about 10 and assigned 2 Upperclassmen who help them break in to high school, check up on them every once in a while, and can be confided in throughout the year. He was one of my Freshmen when I did the program as a Senior. Yes, believe it or not despite all of the baggage in my previous entries I was trying to act as a role model lol. I had a great conversation with him where I felt genuine interest and emotional investment in what he had to say, something that I feel was in part due to my humanity's healing process from the corruption of porn. The situation would've been an even stronger indicator of my progress if he was a woman instead, due to the factor of objectification.
50 days completed! This morning when I unplugged my phone from its charger after showering it was at 50%, these two 50s will combine to keep the rest of my life 100% porn-free!
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P05t#M1dn1ght P05t
...Woah, I just re-realized that I haven't had a relapse nightmare in a long time. Gotta count my blessings
Not only did this change as of last night, it did so in a way that broke new ground. In the dream, I relapsed on porn with my phone while performing a sex act on a woman, causing a nocturnal emission. I'm a real innovator, aren't I? 🤣 I had conjured some sexual thoughts after I went to bed, but unlike last time I was tired enough to fall asleep before a strong urge could develop. Unfortunately the sex act that I was doing is much more of a porn thing than something that people actually do (at least in my very unprofessional opinion). Was it worth it? Yeah I think so, at least for now.

I went back to the gym for the first time in nearly 3 weeks, and it turned out alright. Gotta make sure to keep it up this time.

There are several topics that I want to eventually write about, but admittedly I'm procrastinating on them due to their relative "difficulty". Here's some old journal snippets from September instead (I'm gonna be screwed once I run out of these lol):
I've heard that women are aware of how self-conscious men are about their size, and that they can use that to make you feel better or worse depending on how they feel about you in that moment. So don't take it too personally if that ever happens to you.
Last night I had a wet dream and blew a huge load. But during the day yesterday and today my dick felt pretty lazy. Because of this plus a weird feeling of overconfidence I tried something really dumb: Trying to have a contactless orgasm through porn fantasy. For better or for worse it didn't work. I'm not counting this as a relapse for anything, just as a "wtf" moment.
("wtf" is right, especially now in hindsight)
Today is now Day 0. I will explain.

I had downloaded 10,000+ images/gifs/videos onto my phone from my years on PurpleSquare. Every few days during this reboot I would spend some time going through one of the two unsorted folders that they're in and delete stuff that I was no longer fond of. About 2% of the material was sexual, I would delete it ASAP before it gave me stronger temptations. The image that got me was something that did not immediately jump out as sexual: A series of Facebook DMs between 2 people who were strangers to me that developed into a sexual conversation. I masturbated very briefly after I finished reading it. At first I thought "I haven't masturbated in a long time, I'll just get this out of my system and then be able to inspect the rest of the images more easily'. What I realized shortly afterwards was that I BASICALLY JUST MASTURBATED TO PORN! Obviously the masturbation was fueled by the porn (even if it's not a conventional form of porn it still counts). I deleted the entirety of both folders after that. Most of that stuff would be very difficult to find again but fuck it, they can keep it. Gonna finally sleep now
^The first of the 13 relapses. "Facebook DMs of a sexual nature between strangers", I was such a loser holy shit. But is that really any worse than watching two strangers actually go at it?... Let's just try to be winners instead 😅
...And there was porn to help me "cope" with this. That just reminded me of the Valentine's day deals that porn sites have. In hindsight that is really fucked up of them. Fuck porn in general too.
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I don't have a self-depreciating joke to tell regarding the extensive failure of my "journaling every day" goal; I'm just plain disappointed in myself.

...But I gotta admit that the details of my masturbation relapse are pretty funny.

That day (last Saturday) was a weird one. I woke up very early due to falling asleep very early shortly after getting home from work later than usual the day before, the sleep being induced by the continual crappiness of the amount of sleep that I've been getting during weekday nights. In the morning I went on a bike ride for a total of about 5 hours, riding around mostly aimlessly. I should really figure out specific places to go so that I can make the most of this time. I was able to find some cool things though: A llama farm, a funny road sign, a captivating tree, and a bar in a neighboring town that has a weekly karaoke night. I might, no I should try that out someday soonish, hopefully I can get a friend(s) to go with me.

I feel like my trainer has earned the status of receiving a codename for the purposes of my journal. Thanks for being a great help Jet!

There's a second gym in my town, one that obtained new ownership not too long ago. Jet began training me there a few weeks ago, and so far I really like it. He told me about a party that was going to be held there as a sort of grand opening, scheduled for last Saturday night. I was viewing it not only as something fun, but also as a chance to possibly meet someone. I went as far as bringing condoms, even though the chances of them being used were extremely unlikely, especially since I have a hard time imagining myself attempting to advance a romantic connection so quickly.

Shortly before I left for the party, I began to get urges to masturbate, probably the strongest ones that I had gotten since the previous relapse. My asshole of a brain really came through this time; with not just one but two excuses to give in. The first one was that if I went there without doing so beforehand, and I somehow did get into a sexual situation, I might ejaculate too soon to some degree. I'd read advice like this on PurpleSquare before, and it seemed believable to me. The second one was that if I gave in that day then the new calendar meaning would be an "upgrade" (I would've been in a whole different county and creating cherished memories at the time if I had more of my shit together in general). You'd think that the "warm-up" thing would be the stupidest of two excuses, but there went the calendar shit with a load of ironic nonsense 🤣 I can't help but find that funny.

Oh yeah, I lied about the timing of the party: It's actually this upcoming Saturday and during the day, I must've just misunderstand what Jet said. There was a poster at the gym with the correct information. This revelation made my first excuse to masturbate look even dumber in hindsight. While I was up there I went to the nearby grocery store to buy some comfort food for the walk home.

During the relapse, I could feel the expression on my face morph into one of regret as the high of finishing wore off. How many times do I need to feel that in order to take the fucking hint?

I realized later that night that as of that day, the days in which I masturbated composed of about 30% of the total days since making the promise to not masturbate for 30+ days. Loserdom and irony, continuing to be featured in my life.

I fell 1-2 weeks behind on listening to the news a while ago, so over the course of Saturday I listened to 3 day's worth. After that I decided to take a break from it, considering how depressing it can be. It's not that the subject material shouldn't be covered, it's that I'd rather focus on my own problems.
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Time to close the lab
No more experiments
Time to live my life
Get some experience
Magnetism guiding my hands to my privates
Leading to misfires
I hereby dishonorably discharge my hands
I'm cutting them off
From that sort of behavior
Which will be easy to uphold after I've dipped them in acid
Orange juice
Taste of defeat when I beat my
Better judgement into submission
With these damn hands of mine
Please catch my fist and snap my wrist
So I can snap out of this behavior
Noise so profound that it stays in my head
Living next door to my knowledge of late 20th-century UK politics
I've hopped on my bike, I've found what works
I just need to stay near the edge of the road and stop swerving in the direction of the Masturbati Maseratis

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
If you don't mind me asking, do you want to have your first sexual encounter be with someone you just met?

Obviously, if you MO'd 30% of the last 30 days, you're not meeting your goal; but can you compare it to how your habit used to be? I'm sure there's progress. If you're like me and you used to MO multiple times a day, even if you're falling short of your goal now, you can reflect on how far you've come.

Good call on taking a break from the news. These days it's upsetting by design (gets a lot more clicks that way).
If you don't mind me asking, do you want to have your first sexual encounter be with someone you just met?
Ideally it would be with someone with whom I would've bonded with over a longer period of time, but at this point I'm more open to other possibilities. Also, I'm very capable of developing feelings quickly, so it could still feel special to me in the way that its supposed to.
Obviously, if you MO'd 30% of the last 30 days, you're not meeting your goal; but can you compare it to how your habit used to be? I'm sure there's progress. If you're like me and you used to MO multiple times a day, even if you're falling short of your goal now, you can reflect on how far you've come.
Yeah I used to masturbate like 5 times more often (and almost always with porn), so I'm doing way better now. The main reasons that I'm so hard on myself are that I know better and I have plenty of support for this journey; so to me a percentage that high is embarrassing.
Good call on taking a break from the news. These days it's upsetting by design (gets a lot more clicks that way).
The news program that I listen to (Breaking Points) isn't quite as guilty of that as most other media sources, and they try to avoid other bad practices that are common elsewhere too. They make sure to include some more light-hearted and uplifting things like worker's rights victories and other grassroots endeavors, but unfortunately the news stories that necessitate coverage are often on the dreary side.
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blanket (3).jpg

This blanket was involved with many of my recent relapses. I cut it up and took a picture of it to serve as my "don't masturbate" picture. Masturbation, like the blanket, was able to bring me comfort, but (unlike the blanket) the comfort was superficial and short-lived. But it's worse than that: In my most compulsive cases (especially earlier today), it felt a bit like I was violating myself through the act. Obviously actual forms of sexual abuse are significantly worse and are uncontrollable by the victim, I don't mean to take away from that. My logic is that looking at this bad habit of mine from such a perspective could be useful to me, and it's genuinely how I feel when the problem is at its worst.

My feelings of romantic isolation are normally stronger during the weekends since I have more opportunities to dwell on them, and last Sunday (4/24) they were especially strong. I felt like I needed to take a step towards appeasing them, and fortunately I came up with a good strategy. I looked for dating websites designed for people with autism/Asperger's, and after like 5 seconds of searching I managed to find two of them. Like I implied earlier in this journal I was going to wait until I have a driver's license and my own car before joining any dating sites, but I consider that criteria to be less relevant in these cases. This is because my poor motor skills are in part a symptom of autism, so this vehicular shortcoming wouldn't be too embarrassing. Another perk with these sites is that my romantic and (to a lesser extent) social inexperience probably wouldn't matter as much to the userbase. I joined and checked out the first of the two sites that night, staying up very late while doing so, and I joined and checked out the other one the next day. To be honest, the first site was pretty shitty due to its cheap design and lack of QoL, and since there was only 1 other person max who was online at the same time as me the userbase is probably dead. The second site is much better, and although it seems to have less accounts it's probably more active. On the second one, I was able to browse through all of the U.S. women who are seeking men fairly quickly, and among them I found 3 that I have a decent possibility to be capable with. All 3 have my age of 22 in their age range, have "Distance does not matter" selected (which very much matters to me since the closest of them is 2 states away), and the more nuanced details of their profiles are things that I'm at least "cool with". This distance thing makes the driving situation seems less urgent, and puts an emphasis on communicating. I sent each of them a message, and after rereading them the next day getting experience in the communication department began to feel even more important 😅 At this point I have no need to open up either app until I get a notification from them, which is good since I am thus less tempted to spend my time on them unwisely. [I forgot about how I'll be adding the pictures that I take to my profile on the better of the 2 sites, but that shouldn't affect things too much]

My friends have been trying to convince me to use mainstream dating apps for a while now, and they repeated their advice to me when I brought up this development: Now I'm agreeing with them. I'm not sure how important the driving factor actually is; maybe my insistence on its importance coupled with my absurd level of failure to amend it was yet another one of my crippling subconscious attempts to uphold my status quo despite the consequences of its existence. I just got my new permit in the mail today so now I can practice driving again (I didn't want to use the temporary temporary that they immediately give you at the DMV). I want to make a stellar first impression when I join one of these sites, so I'm going to be taking a lot of photos for my profile. I began to periodically take photos of myself after creating the accounts on the autism dating sites, here's both of the ones that I've taken so far:

I also use the black sweatshirt one that I posted here recently. I have a some specific ideas for other photos, one of which I won't be able to carry out until at least this Thursday, but I don't feel like I need my whole hypothetical arsenal of pics to begin this endeavor. Taking these photos has put my opinion on my attractiveness (or lack of) in limbo; at this point I feel like it's mostly a mindset thing.
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I also use the black sweatshirt one that I posted here recently. I have a some specific ideas for other photos, one of which I won't be able to carry out until at least this Thursday, but I don't feel like I need my whole hypothetical arsenal of pics to begin this endeavor. Taking these photos has put my opinion on my attractiveness (or lack of) in limbo; at this point I feel like it's mostly a mindset thing.
Damn dude, sounds like you're making some great changes! I can 100% agree with you that attractiveness is such a big mindset thing. Different people find all sorts of different people and body types attractive, and perhaps the most universally attractive quality to have is earnest self appreciation, so good on you for taking steps to put yourself out there!

Best of luck with going forward with your licence! And also that autism/asperger's dating app sounds like a fantastic idea. A great thing to keep in mind with dating apps is just to be patient. Often we expect to meet people straight away but sometime's its just luck how these things work and someone really genuine is absolutely worth taking your time for.

Your picutres look great btw, love the Cajon pic hahaha. Definitely pop in one of your drums/you playing them in there girls love that sh*t hahahaha. Including your genuine interests in dating apps is a fantastic way to meet real people... even if my best 'selfie' was what caused a girl to swipe on me initially, it definitely wasnt the reason anything substantial happened after that :))

Have a sick weekend dude!