Feel so betrayed and don’t know how I can deal with it.

Betrayed

Member
This is my first time posting. I found out about my partners problem a couple days ago. I am so hurt and feel so betrayed. I knew there was something going on because he looked so guilty when I’d come in to the room and he’d be on his phone. His phone has become something I completely hate. I hate what he does. I feel so inadequate and feel like he cares nothing about me. We were engaged but I took my ring off after seeing everything he has been doing. I am not going to marry someone who hurts me like this. He has been even looking at pictures of women on Flickr. This is more of a real person way of showing photos. This is to me is complete cheating. I feel so disgusted right now. I feel like there’s no way he can truly love me and do this. He had been looking at this crap while I was laying next to him! I don’t know how to even start to understand this. I am trying to figure out what my boundaries will be. Would love to hear some of yours.
 

canguro

Active Member
Hey betrayed, I am an recovering porn addict, so I can't speak from a partners view.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. I agree that you have to set some boundaries, but the most important thing is that he understands what he is doing to you and that he has a problem. He should read the book "you brain on porn" to understand, what's happening in his brain and you should also, to understand the mechanisms. You can also watch Gary Wilsons Ted-Talk on Youtube.

I know you feel betrayed and you have every right to, but if he is a porn addict, this is a problem that goes deeper and is sadly not even very wiedly known, as society still handles these things as something normal. ("Evey man does it" etc)

If he understands, what he is doing and that he must change, which should be a precodition, I hope you can forgive him and help him overcome his problem.

What is he saying about what he did and how you feel about it? Does he understand?
 

Betrayed

Member
Thank you so much for the reply. I will ask him to read that and watch the Ted talk. I sure hope I can get to forgiveness some day too.
 
I honestly wish my wife had your reaction. When I told her that I was trying to quit porn she said she felt that put a lot of pressure on her to satisfy my sexual needs, which makes me feel like I’m burdening her with myself and being intimate is a chore for her.

Understand that he’s suffering from an addiction but also be clear in your stance you don’t want the behaviour to continue in your relationship.
 
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