Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

So here I go again. I thought I'd post something here instead of doing this journey all by myself. I've been trying to quite porn off and on for years now, but have never been completely successful. Like most people here I had no idea the effects and harm porn was doing to my brain, although I knew it wasn't the greatest habit. To make a long story short, my longest streak was almost a year and half (that streak was started almost 4 years ago this coming April) and after that, my longest streak was almost half a year. This last year I got concerned because I can't seem to get to even 4 months before relapsing. Which is why I'm here to get this nonsense taken care of. At this point I'm alreadly 3 months clean, which is great, but this next month is where I fall into trouble. To get to 3 months is not hard these days, but the problem is I've made relapsing ever 4 months almost a new habit.

I know I'm on the right track because my body seems to be acting like I'm quitting again, aka, my dick has not been working very well. This is mind blowing to me because as I've said, I've been doing this 4 month pattern now for well over a year, and my man was generally okay at that time. But now that I've decided to really up my game, he goes limp. I keep reminding myself this is my brain fixing itself and since I've really made the commitment to quit again, my brain seems to be following through with its normal signs of quitting (flatlining etc.).

That's enough for now. But today is day 101, and porn is not an option!

 

[Jswizzle]

Blondie,

Keep on keeping on brother! 101 days! Hell yeah . If you ever need someone to reach out to for support let me know. Porn is the most addictive shit I have ever encountered in my life. Let's kick this thing and take our power back.

 

[Want2ChangeTruly]

So here I go again. I thought I'd post something here instead of doing this journey all by myself. I've been trying to quite porn off and on for years now, but have never been completely successful. Like most people here I had no idea the effects and harm porn was doing to my brain, although I knew it wasn't the greatest habit. To make a long story short, my longest streak was almost a year and half (that streak was started almost 4 years ago this coming April) and after that, my longest streak was almost half a year. This last year I got concerned because I can't seem to get to even 4 months before relapsing. Which is why I'm here to get this nonsense taken care of. At this point I'm alreadly 3 months clean, which is great, but this next month is where I fall into trouble. To get to 3 months is not hard these days, but the problem is I've made relapsing ever 4 months almost a new habit.

I know I'm on the right track because my body seems to be acting like I'm quitting again, aka, my dick has not been working very well. This is mind blowing to me because as I've said, I've been doing this 4 month pattern now for well over a year, and my man was generally okay at that time. But now that I've decided to really up my game, he goes limp. I keep reminding myself this is my brain fixing itself and since I've really made the commitment to quit again, my brain seems to be following through with its normal signs of quitting (flatlining etc.).

That's enough for now. But today is day 101, and porn is not an option!

I can't get past 30 days but starting today it will be so I want this to happen so lets do it

 

[Blondie]

Porn free 102 days

I'm 39 years old.

Today I woke up with some morning wood, which was very exciting to see. For some reason this time around I've been really struggling with the flatline symptoms. But I remind myself that this is my brain healing itself and there's nothing to worry about.

Yesterday was an okay day, but I did find myself getting pissed off more easily than usual. Just random nonsense that would not bother me was really getting to me. As of yet, I haven't really felt any temptation to look at porn, but when I do, I just tell myself, "Porn is not an option". It's funny, I sometimes will say this mantra, and immediately start getting angry for no reason. It's as if my addicted brain does not like hearing that. Thus, I will continue to say it to piss it off.

Since I've been doing these 3 to 4 month abstinences for a long while now, I don't really seem to notice much withdrawal effects happening to me. In all honesty, going 90 days porn free is not hard to get to these days. That's not a bragging statement, it's just a fact. Interestingly, this time around does seem to be a little different, and I believe it's because I've truly decided to quite again. Thus, I'm experiencing some withdraw effects (flatline, anger etc.) that I haven't really experienced over the last year and half. All of this makes me conclude that stopping porn really does come down to your resolve, and how bad you want to quit it.

Do we truly want to quit this nonsense, or are we only pretending to?

 

[Blondie]

Porn free 103 days

I'm feeling good today. My lady and I had sex this morning and it was fantastic. My dick wasn't perfect, but considerably better than its been for over the last two weeks. I'm definitely coming out of a flatline, which is nice to know, but I'm sure there's another one down the road. It will be interesting to see how all of this plays out (the flatlines that is) with me going past 4 months and onwards past 6 months. When I quite originally four years ago, I was looking at porn all the time, and my flatlines were different and pretty consistent in those first four months of rebooting. But now with me only binging on porn one or two days every 3 or 4 months, I'm not quite sure what to expect. This last one seemed to be longer than anything I remember four years ago. This is confusing to me and makes me think that binging, even only 1 or 2 days every 4 months, is really bad for the addicted mind. At least it seems so for mine.

Which brings me to another thing I've been thinking about. The dangers of relapsing after many months clean is that when you return to porn to get that old fix, it's just not what it used to be. It's not as fun, it's not as exciting etc. Sure, it's fun for a moment, but it's not the same, because on some level your brain has started to heal itself. However, because of this, something else might happen, at least it did for me. After years of seeing 1000s of advertisements for webcams, and never once thinking about going that direction, and even judging anyone who would do such a stupid thing, my addicted mind during a relapse a year ago led me to do such a thing. I remember it distinctly, I was bored with what I was seeing, and then I saw that advertisement I had seen many times before, and all of a sudden, I felt like a that kid again years ago who accidently found porn on the computer: the palpitating heart, the fear of being caught, the excitement for novelty etc. Needless to say, the rush of dopamine is a real deal, and not something to take lightly.

That's it for now. Let's put this shit behind us once and for all!

 

[Blondie]

Day 104

I've been thinking a great deal about some comments I've read here at the forum about the shame of relapsing, and how it's almost better to not try so hard in your reboot than to feel that bitter taste of defeat. This question is pertinent to me as I once had a 530 something day streak 2 years ago and know exactly how that feels. Of course all of us here are at a different level on our journey. To some at this moment, going a week porn free might be the equivalent and accomplishment of others going a full year, and that's okay. But the question still remains, is it better to decide to do a reboot with all of your heart, body and soul, than to half ass it?

I know from my own personal experience when I relapsed two years ago after that long streak, it was absolutely devastating to me mentally for a few weeks. I can't recall ever feeling worse about myself than those terrible weeks following that infamous event. I couldn't believe I had let myself get complasent enough to go back to the very thing I hated so much. But the truth is, from that relapse I learned a great deal about myself, and what I would need to do next time to not find myself in that situation again. But the fact remains that ever since then, I've been too scared to try that hard again, because of the fear of failure, and that is the absolute truth. Since that major relapse I had two years ago, I've had a period of 2 months clean, then 6 months clean, and ever since then, a really bad habit of every 3 to 4 months. Why do I do this? Why do we do this?

Why do we fear that bitter taste of momentary failure more than focus on the benefits of giving something, anything, are absolute best? My thoughts on this issue these last few days have been multiplying, because I'm starting to hear that nagging voice once again in my head, "Why try so hard? Don't you remember how bad you felt the last time you failed?". I hate these fucking thoughts with a passion, but I think I've had a revelation about them these last two days in thinking about it.

As a porn user, and let's face it, a porn abuser, for much of my life I've tried to run away from negative feelings and emotions. I'm a 39 year old man who still feels like a child sometimes and I often don't know what to do when I feel down, although I've improved much over the last few years. But my revelation over the last few days is this: because of my childish propensity for dodging bad emotions, these last two years I've been focusing on how bad I felt after that terrible relapse (only two weeks) instead of focusing on how good I felt that entire year and half clean! I know this must sound stupid and so simple, but for me it's not. Would an athlete do this? Would he or she be so scared of feeling the emotions of defeat if they got a silver or bronze medal that they for forfeit trying at all for the gold? Of course not, because that would be the thoughts of a loser. Why do we do this when it comes to defeating our porn use? It seems clear to me now that doing this serves no purpose but to secure our inevitable defeat.

Yes, we will make mistakes sometimes, and yes we will fail. But that's life, and not even the best of us can win a gold medal ever day, it's just simply not possible. But we must try (no not try), we must make and live each day, to the best of our abilities. That is the only way to success, success in anything for that matter. If you're not aiming for the gold medal daily, you sure as hell should never expect to even win the bronze. We all lose sometimes in life, but that doesn't mean we should accept the mindset of a loser. Thus, for now on I will give this me best shot, and even if I fail, I will then focus on those blissful porn-free days (however long they were) and aim my sights for the heavens again!

Best to all of you.

 

[logicprox]

Thanks for this. Even having never had a streak close to yours I sometime find myself focusing more on how bad it feels to fail, and even worrying in advance about that, instead of focusing on how good it feels when I am staying on track. What you're describing feels like a much healthier mindset and I'm going to strive to shift my mindset more in this direction.

 

[Blondie]

I have been struggling with that for over two years. Half of this is a mental game, maybe all of it! I'm glad it helped in some way. You got this!

 

[logicprox]

I actually have been beginning to realize that a lot of my life has been based around avoiding failure rather than seeking success. It's something I have started to deal with in the last few months, but I hadn't recognized how that attitude was seeping into my PMO recovery efforts too. It's been interesting as I've been doing more introspection and reducing soothing activities like porn/excess media how all the threads tend to connect to similar underlying attitudes and beliefs. Seems dealing with those is probably the real key to it all. Thanks for helping me connect another thread!

 

[Blondie]

I'm with you on that one, I too believe it's all interconnected. I often find myself in other parts of my life (relationship, school etc.) asking why am I procrastinating about this or that? 9/10 times it's because I'm afraid of failure, and what that would feel like if it were to happen. Funny enough, failure is only guarantied when I don't give it my all! lol

 

[Blondie]

Day 105

I'm feeling pretty good today and I'm looking forward to another week porn free. School starts today as well so I will have to be on my guard for any stress levels getting out of hand in the next following months. I try to remind myself that whatever I'm feeling inside, either good or bad, to actually feel it and not run from it. When I run, is when I run into problems.

 

[Blondie]

Day 106

Today will be a good day. I have nothing much to report this morning except I'm very excited to get to Day 120.

 

[Jswizzle]

Blondie,

Keep kicking ass. You got this. Day 120 in no time brother.

 

[Blondie]

Blondie,

Keep kicking ass. You got this. Day 120 in no time brother.

Thank you Jswizzle, I very much appreciate the support. I haven't made 120 days an almost a year and a half. Thus, It will be a very happy day indeed. Keep killing it yourself!

 

[Blondie]

Day 107

Feeling pretty good today. The lady and I had some great sex last night. I actually initiated it, which was something I hadn't tired over the last the month, being afraid my dick would be fast asleep in the moment of glory. Needless to say that was not the case. Speaking for myself, nothing feels better to me than feeling that primal urge again. I must hold on to that feeling because it is the very thing that porn lacks. Porn will never compare to that raw moment of two people coming together; the bodily feelings and sensations is overwhelming, and no fantasy or porn could ever compete.

This is beauty, this is truth. Let us cling to the truth!

 

[Blondie]

Day 108

Fuck porn.

 

[Blondie]

Day 109

I'm feeling good today. I'm almost done with my first week at school, and I haven't blown it. I've been stressed a few times here and there but haven't felt the need or any temptation to screw up. Another day forward!

 

[Honey98$]

If you can go 4 months clean, then there should be no problem abstaining from it for 4 years. You got this!!

 

[Deleted member 26092]

Great journal, sir. Apes together strong.

 

[Blondie]

Day 112

Feeling good to today. Almost a week away from day 120! I was constantly with my girl yesterday, and was getting hard-ons throughout the day. It's great to know my man's really improving down there. I kept thinking to myself "Why the fuck did I ever look at that shit?" Live and learn (or relearn!).

Let's stay strong everyone!