Day 567
Hey,
@GBS, this is all fantastic.
I very much like your philosophy that you’re not an addict nor do you have an illness. I think that’s a very good mantra. It alleviates you from stigma. It also means you don’t blame something else. You take responsibility for what you did.
If there's anything I have a strong opinion about, it's this. It's so important to know, deep within ourselves in fact,
that we are bigger than this problem. Dopamine is just a neurotransmitter and hormone, nothing more. It is not God. It doesn't drive you like a zombie to do stupid things. It is not bigger than us, nor is porn for that matter. Dopamine didn't drive me like a "madman" to look at webcams and hurt my Lady's heart. I did that nonsense all on my own. It was a decision I made. Period. I have to own that and take responsibility for my actions. I'm not just some "addict" that can't help himself. We all have control.
think the reason I asked your opinion (on the passage I quoted) was that it inferred (at least to me) that without the shame and secrecy, watching porn was per se ok. And that’s where I think I wanted to wave a flag. We are sexual beings and we men slightly can’t help ourselves. But full on indulgence in pornography without feeling bad about it seems to me a very bad idea.
I see your point here, however I read it differently. How I read it was, this man is a Mormon, thus he thinks porn is "culturally" wrong (which I thought was a strange way to put it), that is, he thinks it's a sin. He's a conservative but thinks for himself and disagrees how his culture goes about sex education, especially this topic. I couldn't agree more. However, he makes a distinction between porn in of itself, which he thinks is not good,
and our sexuality, which he rightly compares to our appetite, which are both bodily functions that no man should feel guilt or shame about.
He doesn't want his son to look at porn, however, what he doesn't want even more,
is to create an environment where his son doesn't feel comfortable talking to him about it. Which is why he brings up the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt brings a man out into the light, and says, "Dad, I checked out some porn last night. I know it's not the best thing, but damn, Dad, boobies are hot. Can we talk about it?" However, shame carries a man into the darkness, where he begins to lie to himself and to his dad, saying only to himself "
I shouldn't be doing this. I'm a bad person. I'm a sinner. Liking boobies and women is a sin. There's no way I can talk to my dad about this." Thus a compulsive habit in the shadows begins. A story that many here are all too familiar with, and most definitely myself.
The conversation with his dad ends when shame begins. Period.
This is also why the he makes the distinction between stealing something, or whatever, and porn. Because looking at porn, just like wanting bacon,
is utterly natural for us men, and in of itself, it's not necessarily a "wrong" or a "sin." As I said yesterday, us men naturally have a "porn brain" without any porn influence whatsoever,
especially compared to most women. Which is why women will never fully understand this conversation, because they don't know how it feels like to have testosterone running through their bodies 24 hours a day. Thus, saying, don't steal makes sense, and it doesn't "shame" us men, unless we foolishly go down that criminal path. However, to say to us men, don't look at porn, NO NO NO, BAD BAD BAD, is essentially saying,
don't be men. Don't be sexual. Don't be adventurous. Don't love women. Only love one woman. Don't love variety.
Be "good" like women are. This is a real problem, and unfortunately, most of us men can't turn off the "man switch" and live our lives in peace; thus, we head into the shadows to live out our "manly desires" by ourselves on the computer.
If anyone read that last paragraph and thinks I'm saying, "Go look at porn" then you've misunderstood me and the author. What he is saying though is this,
the conversation stops between a father and a son when there is shame; and shame is much worse than looking at porn. Because having a conversation and communication is key
to making sure the porn habit doesn't get out of hand. Guilt is okay, but shame about your sexuality and desires as a man is not. Shame leads to more actions in the darkness.
I was raised in a very conservative culture, where none of these conversations happened, so I feel I completely understand what the author is talking about. I too confused my shame of looking at porn with my natural desires as a man,
and I thought all of it was wrong and sinful. Consequently,
the subject of sex became a taboo, both exciting and intoxicating to my young mind, probably even more so than it alreadly is, and I ran into the shadows as you all know. Thus the perpetual habit of feeling shame, which only drove me to do it again and again. Then I started having Christian girlfriends in my early 20s, and then the hiding started, until a compulsive "addiction" was born. I never lied to their faces because they never asked me, but I was living a lie and a double life nonetheless.
Furthermore, on this subject of lying, it is my personal opinion that, when well meaning conservatives make
viewing porn a worse sin than lying and being open and honest, they unwittingly produce a culture of men who lie and hide in the shadows with their "addictions." Because in the end, the message to men is,
viewing porn is a worse sin than lying and not being honest about it. This, I believe is the message of the author. The dad (culture) who values truth and honesty over his son looking at porn, will create a culture for his son to be open and honest about porn and male sexuality, even IF he still thinks viewing porn is wrong. However, the dad (culture) who says porn is one of the worst things a man can do, even worse than lying (though that message is never flat out said), will create a son that not only feels shame about his porn use and male sexuality, but will also create a son
who learns to lie and hide his porn use from his dad, and later on, his wife. Thus, the beginnings of a compulsive porn habit is born, where a man not only feels shame about doing "one of the worst possible sins" but now he's also caught up in lying and hiding it, and this combined shame leads him on to more and more porn use.
It's a terrible, pitiful cycle.
Now these are my own thoughts on the matter. Just me philosophizing and psychoanalyzing my own childhood and the very conservative culture I grew up in. Nevertheless, I do think there's much truth to this though, and something to think about. If porn is worse than lying, well, you're going to create many "porn addicts," especially if, as we alreadly established, "porn use" is just an extension of natural male sexuality, even if, yes,
it's male sexuality on steroids.
Shame will kill, that much is sure.
This isn't an attack on anyone at RN who hasn't told his wife or partner. We all have are reasons for doing or not doing so, and I understand that. However, this is just me thinking on a grand scale why this happens on a cultural level, especially in regards to the conservative culture I grew up in, and especially in regards to me hiding it from my girlfriends in my 20s.
I think that's what the author meant,
@GBS, but no matter what, those were my thoughts when I read the article.
