Part Three
Myth Two: my childhood trauma led me back to porn
This is also a myth I've chose to believe in, although it's completely false. There's countless people in this world who have had worse trauma than me, however, they are and never have been addicted to anything. When I read this in the Freedom Model book it blew my mind, however, now I see it's true. This is another one of those false cause an effect statements. Because, if it was a true scientific cause an effect, all people who have trauma would also be addicted to something, but that's simply not the case. Therefore, to say, "I'm addicted to porn or whatever because of my childhood trauma is a false statement. It's not a true cause and effect. Yes it's true that some people who have trauma also have "addictions," but it's not true for the vast majority of people. So it's not a true cause and effect, see the book for more details and specifics.
Thus, looking back with this new information at that infamous New Year's Eve, I see it now in a completely different light. Nothing that night "just happened" to me. Everything was a choice, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I had chosen to believe for years that my childhood trauma often "led" me back to porn or strip cams, like some "external force" that I had no control over. Now I see that was only a false belief and nothing more. I will say this, I don't think many of these false beliefs for us are intentional, but happen almost on a subconscious level. Yes, we've chosen them at some time in our lives, but in the moment, it's very hard to discern a right belief from false belief, we're just acting on what we believe, and also, unfortunately, on what we've been told.
Seeing this now and how obvious it is, I shake my head how I could have believed such nonsense, or worse, that I told my Lady in my confession, that it happened "because of my childhood trauma." Ouch! Imagine your wife saying that to you after you learned she's fucked the mailman. The shit we tell ourselves and our loved ones is pretty messed up when you stop to think about it. But that's the key here, has any of us ever stopped to think about our beliefs? Speaking for myself, I hardly have, until now. This wasn't dopamine folks, this was me and MY BELIEFS. If A, then B. If trauma, then strip cams. Fuck, I should have been a rocket scientists! Sorry mom and dad.
I chose to buy wine
Yep. It didn't just "happen" to be there that night in the hotel room. Don't you just hate the facts? The myth is so much more appealing. Speaking of myths...
Myth Four: alcohol leads to bad choices
If you've read the book, then you know what I'm talking about it. There's three chapters where the authors describe in great detail the myths we have as a culture concerning substances and especially alcohol. Have you ever stopped to think that alcohol technically only slows down your responses and that's it, it does nothing more. On a pharmacological level that's all it does. That's why there's laws that say you can't drink or drive. It's not because you can't find your way home or whatever, or, that you won't know what you're doing. No. It's because you might hit someone or something because your responses are slower than normal. However, the myths about what alcohol does are quite extraordinary. It can make you: happy, sad, depressed (or relieve depression!), make you feel sexual or impotent, and many other symptoms and contradictions. Either way, many of these things are a cultural phenomenon and vary from culture to culture. But the key thing is, whatever you believe that alcohol does for you, THAT is what it will do.
I bought that wine on New Years because I wanted to believe wine makes me do stupid things, even though it never has before. Then I could say to my girl afterwards, "I had a bottle of wine that night and the strip cams "just happened. Damn, what a lame excuse. Funny thing is, I've been drunk many many times in my life, however, I've never once felt a loss of control. I've always known what I was doing, but of course, my responses were slower, but that's it. The point is, nothing happens unless you want it to happen. And if you believe that alcohol makes you do "stupid shit" then, you will do stupid shit and always have an excuse for it. So lame.... but here we are all the same.
Myth Five: a loss of control
When I think back on that night, it's very easy to feel I had no control, and that I was guided by some "mysterious force," be that dopamine or porn. However, when you take a step back and analyze my behavior, you can see the reality for what it is. I did have control, every step of the way. It might not have felt like it, but I did have it all the same. Yes, in some ways it's hard to believe I did this on purpose, but is it really? When I sketch out all my false beliefs, it all starts to make sense...
I believed in the myth of addiction
I believed in the myth that, if a girl hits on me, then I always look at porn. No questions asked. If A, then B.
I believed I was helpless in my fight again this habit
I believed I was progressing further into my "addiction" if I went back to it
I believed strip cams were the next progression of my addiction
I believed going back to strip cams only proved my childhood trauma was alive and breathing. If A, then B.
I believed that alcohol leads to bad behavior. If A, then B
I believed that dopamine can control you. If A, then B
I believed I would be battling this addiction for the rest of my life
Needless to say, I believed all of these myths, and because of that, going back to strip cams really isn't that hard to believe. Of course it happened! The writing was on the wall. You are what you think. I also had one more belief, and it was...
Looking at strip cams will bring me more pleasure than the pleasure I have in a long-term, peaceful relationship
This is one is a massive one, and it's at the center of this problem. If you truly believe, this is, if you have chosen to believe, that your life will be more pleasurable looking at porn than it would be without it, then you will always go back to it. Of course, it might asked, but if people know the consequences, why would they do such a thing? But this question doesn't really add up to reality. People have been doing "stupid shit" for thousands of years, whether that be cheating, working dangerous jobs, fighting in the army, or playing extreme sports while they have families at home. All of these activities have consequences if something goes wrong, however, the person has decided that the pleasures and benefits outweigh the consequences. New Year's Eve for me was no different. There was no chemical that "made me do it." I chose to do it, damn the consequences. Yes I was in a "high", and yes that high might have been dopamine working on me, but I knew exactly what I was doing, and I chose to ignore the foreseeable consequences for the present pleasure. There was no loss of control to speak of. It's simply a myth.
I chose my beliefs
I chose my actions based upon those beliefs
And I chose to be happy
And I was very happy for a few days
Round Two
Blondie: "wins" but not really
Dopamine: loses
The End
The careful reader will see that nowhere in any of this mess, is dopamine given its proper due. This is purposeful. I don't deny that dopamine might influence us to some extent, however, it's our beliefs about these matters, and even the belief that dopamine is powerful, that influences our behavior the most. Throughout both of these stories, I was in complete charge of the situation, though, I have to admit for the last one, it makes me feel much better to act as if that wasn't so. I truly wish I had no control. I really do. However, once you start unpacking the beliefs you have about your actions, you might find that you have much more control than you thought you did. And that my friends, after all the tears and trauma of relapsing and confessing, is where the true healing starts.
What false beliefs do you believe in?
It might just change everything.
Day 605
