Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

That is too funny Tunesmith, in an ironic way. Yes, either way you look at it, our culture should be talking about this stuff in a better, more productive and healthy way. It is what it is, but analyzing it and getting it off your chest helps in the end, at least for me.

@downhillfromhere, it's interesting to see how this shame comes from both perspectives, regardless of religion. Either way, writing about it feels good, so as to get rid of the shame, and rid myself of this nonsense for good.

Best.

 

[Chuckles]

Dad, why didn't you explain this to me? Dad, why didn't you prepare me to know beforehand what a wet dream was? Why did I not even know what sex was? The only thing I knew about it was I probably shouldn't talk about it! You and mom and your religion made me feel shame dad, shame about myself and my sexuality! In fact the only time we ever talked about "it" was to inform us that we should never do "it" until marriage, and everything else was off the table for discussion.

My dad sort of awkwardly asked "you pretty much already know?" and I responded "yeah" and that was the talk.
Jr. high sex ed helped, but went so much more into anatomy than sexuality.
High school sex ed was abstinence-only, which, ... just stupid.
My junior year winter formal dance, he pressured me into accepting a box of condoms. Sex with this girl not only wasn't an option, but honestly something I wasn't really considering. I was scared she and/or her dad would find out and I'd get my ass beat. That didn't happen.
I had to fumble my way through sexual encounters, and my late teens early 20s sex life could have been better.

I'm glad that we now have access to so many more educational resources. Online, for free. I wish those things had been around 25 years ago.

Sorry you were thrown into puberty completely unprepared. That sucks.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry you were thrown into puberty completely unprepared. That sucks.

Thanks man, but don't feel sorry for me, though i appreciate it. This was an exercise in trying to figure out myself. I haven't thought about this fact about myself in a long time. But over the last 8 months, I've been really trying to analyze why I do the things I do, and this definitely had to form some part of my subconscious!

We are what we are.

Best to you.

 

[Onmyway19]

I wrote a similar proclamation to my father, my 1st go through with a counselor. It did help immensely, to write it out and get it off my chest. I've since burned that letter. Not because I don't believe or feel those things that I wrote. I guess mostly because there's nothing I can do to change it. What happened, happened. It will always be with me and surface occasionally. What im not doing is using P to cope.

My relationship with my father has been tarnished for probably about the last decade +. It's a hard thing to face. It's not completely one sided, but I'd say 90/10 him. He's very narcissistic, addicted to so many things and will never admit fault.

So I protect my peace. We have minimal contact. He knows how I feel and he has made his choices. All I can do is live my life with my family.

I'm not completely without empathy for him. He's near the end of his life and facing dementia, partly brought on by drinking. It's going to be tough to see and for my mother.. IT definitely wasn't all bad, but was never easy.

Being a parent now, I see how scary it was for my parents. 5 boys. College students barely scraping by. I've found a comfortable level of forgiveness, but still protect my peace.

Thanks for sharing this blondie. It's brave and I'm proud of you brother. We're all just doing our best. Remember that.

 

[Blondie]

Thanks for that @Onmyway19, that means a lot.

My dad is a good man, and he did the best he could do, and for that I owe him a lot. Knowing what he had to work with, and knowing his example of a father (my grandpa!), I would say he did a hell of job. But, life isn't perfect, and sometimes it's good to let it out, but only to move on, and not to blame or bitch about it.

I would suggest to everyone to let your emotions out and give yourself permission to feel them, then let them go and move on with your life. You only have one life to live, being angry and stuck in the past won't solve anything.

Peace brother.

 

[Deleted member 22651]

I can relate, but from the opposite side of the fence. Your parents worked the guilt trip on you, my dad explained the facts of life to me by... DRUMROLL.... Showing me a clip from a porn film. You were shamed into believing sexuality was a sin, I was pushed into believing there were no holds barred. Which of us fared worse? I suppose it doesn't matter, we both ended up in the same boat. Ain't life just a kick in the nads? But. Congrats on 236. Persevere Bro.

Two different sides of the same coin. Most of us were raised with some variation of the two or even more interesting back stories and yet here we all are.

This post got me thinking about how I would go about teaching my kids about sex and porn, what would be the best approach, when is the right time to teach them about all this?

So many questions.

 

[The Tunesmith]

Two different sides of the same coin. Most of us were raised with some variation of the two or even more interesting back stories and yet here we all are.

This post got me thinking about how I would go about teaching my kids about sex and porn, what would be the best approach, when is the right time to teach them about all this?

So many questions.

My kids are already grown, and pretty maladjusted due to lack of guidance from me. One of my many regrets. Glad you still have a chance, and a leg up- on teaching them what to avoid. Good luck Bro.

 

[Blondie]

Day 237

Thanks everyone for your comments yesterday. I truly like to read all of your experiences with these things; it helps me out and gives me a better perspective on the matter. Definitely much to think about.

May you all have a great porn-free weekend!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Holy crap, you're 8 months P free??? LFG!!!!

Proud of you man, cross the 1yr mark for all of us. Just like they say, the longer you have a habit the harder it is to break. Which also means the longer you say AWAY from that habit, the easier every subsequent day gets (on average, some days hit different than others of course). You're pulling away from this black hole of P, awesome to see

 

[Phineas 808]

Blondie, I can definitely relate to your experiences. My mom was a single parent, but she was so prudish and reactive toward sex (but not in practice), that any mention of it by us boys brought immediate curse words, insults, and shame.

I would draw something, but being a young boy with a high-libido, my depiction of women was overly sexualized- and instead of just seeing the drawing, my mother would just lambast me for my over emphasizing a woman's physical attributes.

But, yeah, shame in this area from my upbringing- and finding porn on the play ground at such a young age (which my mom eventually found), contributed to future issues.

 

[Blondie]

Thanks Phineas.

Yes, shame is bitch for sure. It's funny too for me because my parents were not religiously "strict", at least how most people think of people think of that term. For example, I had friends whose parents were religiously strict and I'm glad as hell they weren't my parents! My parents were pretty laid back even, but literally just didn't talk about this stuff. However, there was always this underlying theme of guilt when it came to sex; it was just the culture milieu I was raised in.

It is what it is. Time to move on.

 

[Phineas 808]

Definitely! Yeah, we're no longer children, lol...

My mother projected onto us her own religious upbringing I think, and all the shame that went with it. Then, I went to a spiritually abusive church for 9 years, that brought its own shame.

I can honestly say, though it's still taking me years, addressing my own shame was the 'game changer' in making it possible for me to get ahead of porn addiction.

 

[Chuckles]

It is what it is. Time to move on.

This is liberating. There are so many things, not just sex ed related, it's taken me decades to get to this point with. My parents weren't perfect, but I'm not going to carry it anymore.

 

[Blondie]

I can honestly say, though it's still taking me years, addressing my own shame was the 'game changer' in making it possible for me to get ahead of porn addiction.

Indeed. I would say the same for me. It was a paradigm shift for sure when I started to realize many of my problems came from my underlying shame from my childhood. Just the shame of being a being man, of being sexual, I had to work on that too as crazy as it sounds.

 

[Ezel]

4 days till you hit your 8months porn free goal.
What an achievement Blondie. Your posts are always thrilling to read.

Hopefully I will get the honor to see you get passed a year porn free my friend.

Keep doing your thing champ .

 

[Blondie]

This is liberating. There are so many things, not just sex ed related, it's taken me decades to get to this point with. My parents weren't perfect, but I'm not going to carry it anymore.

Yes, it is liberating. I can always tell the difference between someone who is working through their shit, and someone who is just shitting on their shit (i.e. bitching). I can handle the former but the latter, not so much.

We all got our problems, and yes, sometimes it feels good to get it out (the very purpose of my post) but then you have to move on. Nothing is perfect, and it never will be. No one great in history had a perfect family etc., so just get over yourself and move on.

Staying in shitville should never be the endpoint in anyone's journey.

 

[Phineas 808]

No truer words were ever said...! Amen to that, Blondie!

 

[Blondie]

4 days till you hit your 8months porn free goal.
What an achievement Blondie. Your posts are always thrilling to read.

Hopefully I will get the honor to see you get passed a year porn free my friend.

Keep doing your thing champ .

Thanks Ezel. Let's burn those boats together!

 

[Blondie]

Day 238

Thanks for the good conversations yesterday everyone, @Phineas 808, @Ezel, @Chuckles and @First_step_thousand_miles.

Have a greet porn free Monday.

 

[Ezel]

3 days left champ . You got this, keep doing your thing Blondie.