Day 121
Yesterday was really fucking crazy. On one hand, it started off great, but most of the day was terrible, and I didn't realize why until about 6 o'clock in the evening. I can honestly say I was having some extreme withdrawal symptoms, and in ways I haven't felt since I "officially" quit porn almost four years ago. I woke up completely stressed over nothing, practically depressed, at one moment I even felt like crying (extremely rare for me). Throughout the day, everything, and I mean everything, pissed me off, even the stupidest shit, in ways that never would normally. It was only around 6 when I realized what the hell was happening. I eventually asked myself, "Hey man, what the hell is wrong with you?" and I honestly couldn't answer the question truthfully, because nothing was really wrong, it was all in my head!
Funny thing is, after I figured this out, I become extremely happy, and I suddenly had flashbacks of my days of struggle four years ago, when I had decided to quite this shit once and for all. I guess because I've been relapsing every 3 or 4 months, I haven't actually experienced these symptoms in a while. Knowing this, made me very happy, and I finished my day of 4 months clean by relaxing and hanging out with the lady.
Moral of the story is, do not fuck with this shit. Period. There is absolutely nothing good or worthwhile in any of it. And be not tempted to say to yourself, as I so foolishly was, "I only look at porn once in a while, it doesn't affect me as it does other guys". Trust me, I've been that guy for the last year and half (only looking every 3 or so months), and my brain is not even close to being healed.
Porn Avenue leads to nowhere.