Porn is not an option
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Blondie
Respected Member
Day 254
Day 17 of no O
"Everyone is different. What we need for balance and sobriety may be different than what someone else needs. This is true for us when we compare our sobriety and recovery boundaries to other addicts. This is especially true when we, as addicts, compare ourselves to someone who is not an addict. What may be normal, acceptable, and even healthy for a non‑addict, can be a death knell for someone with an addiction. More than one of us has found ourselves in relapse and saying “They let themselves do this behavior and I thought that sounded like a good idea for me.” We must each take responsibility for realizing and respecting our own boundaries."
Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 164). Kindle Edition.
Day 17 of no O
"Everyone is different. What we need for balance and sobriety may be different than what someone else needs. This is true for us when we compare our sobriety and recovery boundaries to other addicts. This is especially true when we, as addicts, compare ourselves to someone who is not an addict. What may be normal, acceptable, and even healthy for a non‑addict, can be a death knell for someone with an addiction. More than one of us has found ourselves in relapse and saying “They let themselves do this behavior and I thought that sounded like a good idea for me.” We must each take responsibility for realizing and respecting our own boundaries."
Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 164). Kindle Edition.
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Love it man, keep pushing towards your goals! Every time you cross these thresholds, you inspire a whole community of people. Excited for all os us to achieve our best lives
Blondie
Respected Member
"An “old-timer” in a 12-Step meeting responded to the question “How have you been?” with this wise answer “Oh, moments of serenity, moments of chaos.” What a wonderful description of life! We experience serenity when the situations around us match our desires. We experience chaos when they do not. Neither is good and neither is bad. Both are necessary for growth in life and neither stays with us permanently. We get stuck when we put too much energy into trying to hold onto serenity or chaos."
Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 172). Kindle Edition.
Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 172). Kindle Edition.
Recovery Will Come
Active Member
Inspirational… Let’s be the best version of ourselves we can possibly be!!!
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 256
Day 19 of no O
Yesterday was a struggle. I wouldn't say I was necessarily tempted to look at porn; but it was just a mentally hard day where I would have used porn to clear my head in the past.
I went to that doctor a month ago and thought my health situation was getting better. However, over the last few days my problem seems to have somewhat returned to its "normal" existence, thus, I'm going to have to figure something else out.
Yesterday I went through the gauntlet of emotions: mad, sad, angry, frustrated, and feeling overly depressed in general. I haven't proved to myself yet that I can get through moments likes these without fucking up in the end, and thus I feel very scared and almost defeated, even though I haven't actually been tempted yet.
I'm child in a man's body with no long term coping mechanisms fully functional yet. I know I have them somewhere back there behind the engine, but I haven't learned how to use them properly. Thus, in moments like these, I get scared to tell you the truth, scared I'm going to fuck it all up.
I don't feel strong today
I don't feel like I'm a hero today
I don't feel like an anybody today
All I want to do is get back out there in the mountains and have some fun this summer with my lady! But at this moment, I don't think it's going to happen...
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Do I prefer this nonsense to looking at porn? No, I would prefer to not have to deal with this at all. However I know porn won't fix this problem. Porn has never fixed my problems and it never will, it will only increase them!
Fuck porn!
Fuck porn!
Fuck porn!
Alright I'm done for today.
Day 19 of no O
Yesterday was a struggle. I wouldn't say I was necessarily tempted to look at porn; but it was just a mentally hard day where I would have used porn to clear my head in the past.
I went to that doctor a month ago and thought my health situation was getting better. However, over the last few days my problem seems to have somewhat returned to its "normal" existence, thus, I'm going to have to figure something else out.
Yesterday I went through the gauntlet of emotions: mad, sad, angry, frustrated, and feeling overly depressed in general. I haven't proved to myself yet that I can get through moments likes these without fucking up in the end, and thus I feel very scared and almost defeated, even though I haven't actually been tempted yet.
I'm child in a man's body with no long term coping mechanisms fully functional yet. I know I have them somewhere back there behind the engine, but I haven't learned how to use them properly. Thus, in moments like these, I get scared to tell you the truth, scared I'm going to fuck it all up.
I don't feel strong today
I don't feel like I'm a hero today
I don't feel like an anybody today
All I want to do is get back out there in the mountains and have some fun this summer with my lady! But at this moment, I don't think it's going to happen...
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Do I prefer this nonsense to looking at porn? No, I would prefer to not have to deal with this at all. However I know porn won't fix this problem. Porn has never fixed my problems and it never will, it will only increase them!
Fuck porn!
Fuck porn!
Fuck porn!
Alright I'm done for today.
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Damn keep pushing through my dude. Also is your health ok? I had no idea man, I hope things are going well
I will tell you, I'm a total novice compared to you but maybe a small bit of wisdom / reinforcement -- there was nothing crappier that relapsing that 1st time. Nothing. Knowing I'd reset my counter like I had & knowing that I was starting from 0 at a crappy situation. Please remember when you're tempted the feelings you had when you've relapsed -- P will take away everything we love and make us jaded. We CANNOT let this happen
I know I'm a noob talking to a pro, but just my humble thoughts. You've heard it before I bet, but sometimes just hearing the same message when we're struggling can be what we need.
You have nearly broken free, it's just the last few dregs that are working their way out of your system! Remember Gabe Deem, in some of his interviews he mentions being P-free for 1000+ days (way more by this point). You have the same strength inside you, I KNOW you can do the same.
We are men, not 20yr old boys. We don't have the luxury of time and we need to make every moment count (not to say either of us dies anytime soon haha, we are both still fairly young). So go make the most of it!!! I'm proud to know you & appreciate all the effort you are putting into winning -- you are 90% of the way through hell, keep going to the other 10%!!!!
Onmyway19
Active Member
But you already have proved it to yourself. You faced all those emotions, and didn't turn porn to cope. Feel that shit, and teach yourself those long term coping mechanisms. You know as much as anyone here, the highs and lows of this journey. Quit doubting yourself. Hoping for the best for you brother, sorry to hear of your health woes. Keep your head up. You got this
Blondie
Respected Member
Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles and @fa84.
My health is fine, I'm not dying or anything, and I really appreciate you asking guys. In fact, I'm in the best shape of my life, I've lost 50lbs and I'm below 20% body fat (the best it's ever been ) and I feel pretty damn good in general. However, I just have this issue, that I won't say for privacy reasons, that's been bothering my for quite sometime now and it stops me from doing the things I love to do (especially in the summer!) Yesterday, was a hell of day and it just felt good to get it out of my system.
If I've learned anything in this little thing called life, it's to never cover up how I'm feeling in the moment, especially at a place like this. Thus, I'm just keeping it real.
Life's good and I should count my blessings, it could be far worse! The lady and I are about to head up to drive around in the mountains. I won't be able to do what I want exactly, but at least I'll be out there in smell that fresh glorious air.
I just messaged my doctor and we'll try to figure something else out.
If I can pull through moments like this when I feel really down, I will feel very confident that I can get over this nonsense once and for all.
I'm in new territory now and I feel like a rookie out on his first important mission; I've had my training but I haven't proven myself yet.
Well, time to get off my ass and workout before we leave.
Best everyone.
My health is fine, I'm not dying or anything, and I really appreciate you asking guys. In fact, I'm in the best shape of my life, I've lost 50lbs and I'm below 20% body fat (the best it's ever been ) and I feel pretty damn good in general. However, I just have this issue, that I won't say for privacy reasons, that's been bothering my for quite sometime now and it stops me from doing the things I love to do (especially in the summer!) Yesterday, was a hell of day and it just felt good to get it out of my system.
If I've learned anything in this little thing called life, it's to never cover up how I'm feeling in the moment, especially at a place like this. Thus, I'm just keeping it real.
Life's good and I should count my blessings, it could be far worse! The lady and I are about to head up to drive around in the mountains. I won't be able to do what I want exactly, but at least I'll be out there in smell that fresh glorious air.
I just messaged my doctor and we'll try to figure something else out.
If I can pull through moments like this when I feel really down, I will feel very confident that I can get over this nonsense once and for all.
I'm in new territory now and I feel like a rookie out on his first important mission; I've had my training but I haven't proven myself yet.
Well, time to get off my ass and workout before we leave.
Best everyone.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I know very well how this works because I'm the same. I've never figured out life and how to deal with the discomfort, I only knew how to "fix it" with "drugs". I only knew how to fix my inside life using external pleasurable things. And then age caught up to me and I ended up having this fight inside me between me being a kid in a grown up body and what society expects from me. Better said, what my parents expect me to do and my pride to prove to the bullies from my past (who include a relative) that I am not a loser, I've accomplished the minimum necessary life for me to say I am alright. And this not happening put pressure on my shoulders and I started to get more erratic with self-medication as a result.
But, this being said, we need to change, we need a transformation, we need to build the necessary inner life that can sustain a sober life.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
I really hope your issue straightens out Blondie. However you feel mentally, you can take comfort in knowing that the feeling will pass. It's so easy to get stuck in the thought that negative feelings will last forever.
Also, really get what you're saying about not covering up your feelings- it's something I struggle with a lot in my life. There's much to be gained from admitting to yourself what's going on, but also communicating it to others.
Also, really get what you're saying about not covering up your feelings- it's something I struggle with a lot in my life. There's much to be gained from admitting to yourself what's going on, but also communicating it to others.
Sorry for this ongoing situation, Blondie.
We’re all more or less in the same boat when it comes to under developed emotional development.
At least your where you’re not insulating yourself from these feelings with porn.
you’re at the ‘ideal’ place to grow in ways unimaginable before, though of course the circumstances aren’t ideal.
Wishing you the best and strength for the journey ahead.
We’re all more or less in the same boat when it comes to under developed emotional development.
At least your where you’re not insulating yourself from these feelings with porn.
you’re at the ‘ideal’ place to grow in ways unimaginable before, though of course the circumstances aren’t ideal.
Wishing you the best and strength for the journey ahead.
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
For sure man, be as 'raw' as you need to be with your thoughts. We are all human. Let me again say -- very proud that you didn't succumb to using P. You are a straight killer, get after life!!!
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 257
Day 20 of no O
I want to say thanks for all you guys who supported me yesterday: @Recovery Will Come, @Phineas 808, @fa84, @downhillfromhere, @Escapeandnevercomeback @Onmyway19 and @First_step_thousand_miles, it meant the world to me in the moment. It literally made my day just knowing you guys have my back and will have my back. So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart! This place has changed my life.
Today, as I'm drinking my boring hot herbal tea
I want to say I'm feeling much better. The lady and I had a great time in the mountains yesterday. It's amazing what a little fresh air can do for you when you're feeling down. I even got out and walked a little which put a big smile on my face. Funny enough for me, the mental game is harder than the actual working out or doing what the doctor says. Thus, I will keep working on my mental fortitude - I don't like to be a bitch.
It feels great to know I didn't fuck up over the last few days and it's something I'm pretty proud about today. Like I said yesterday, I didn't feel terribly tempted, but I had an insane fear that I would fuck up, and that was causing me my great angst, besides the fact I was depressed about my situation. I hate to use this term (in respect for the folks who actually have it) but it's almost like I have a sort of relapse type of PTSD, where I fear a relapse and the things that might bring it on. Well, whatever this is, it's definitely better than the alternative.
I guess one could say I shouldn't "try" so hard in this battle, but I would disagree. When I don't try and give it my best, then I constantly keep screwing up and getting nowhere. I've been down that road too many times, and it leads to destinations I wish to never see again.
I will have to think more about all of this to be sure, but nevertheless, thanks again everyone for the huge help yesterday. You have no idea how much that meant.
Have a great porn-free weekend.
Day 20 of no O
I want to say thanks for all you guys who supported me yesterday: @Recovery Will Come, @Phineas 808, @fa84, @downhillfromhere, @Escapeandnevercomeback @Onmyway19 and @First_step_thousand_miles, it meant the world to me in the moment. It literally made my day just knowing you guys have my back and will have my back. So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart! This place has changed my life.
Today, as I'm drinking my boring hot herbal tea
I want to say I'm feeling much better. The lady and I had a great time in the mountains yesterday. It's amazing what a little fresh air can do for you when you're feeling down. I even got out and walked a little which put a big smile on my face. Funny enough for me, the mental game is harder than the actual working out or doing what the doctor says. Thus, I will keep working on my mental fortitude - I don't like to be a bitch.It feels great to know I didn't fuck up over the last few days and it's something I'm pretty proud about today. Like I said yesterday, I didn't feel terribly tempted, but I had an insane fear that I would fuck up, and that was causing me my great angst, besides the fact I was depressed about my situation. I hate to use this term (in respect for the folks who actually have it) but it's almost like I have a sort of relapse type of PTSD, where I fear a relapse and the things that might bring it on. Well, whatever this is, it's definitely better than the alternative.
I guess one could say I shouldn't "try" so hard in this battle, but I would disagree. When I don't try and give it my best, then I constantly keep screwing up and getting nowhere. I've been down that road too many times, and it leads to destinations I wish to never see again.
I will have to think more about all of this to be sure, but nevertheless, thanks again everyone for the huge help yesterday. You have no idea how much that meant.
Have a great porn-free weekend.
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particularly_respecting
Active Member
Sorry to hear about your health issues Blondie, but glad you're feeling better now
It's a cliche but it's true - health is so important. Easy to take for granted but difficult to think of anything else when we face issues
Hope you can figure out a suitable plan with your doc
You said you don't have coping mechanisms, but it seemed you handled it well
Got some fresh air, got your feelings out in your journal, and importantly, didn't relapse
You absolutely should be proud of yourself today!
Agree about "trying" too - I want to get to "autopilot" where avoiding porn comes naturally, but for now I'm in the same boat - gotta keep "trying" every day - but it's better than the alternative
You're an inspiring presence in the community - keep giving porn hell brother!
It's a cliche but it's true - health is so important. Easy to take for granted but difficult to think of anything else when we face issues
Hope you can figure out a suitable plan with your doc
You said you don't have coping mechanisms, but it seemed you handled it well
Got some fresh air, got your feelings out in your journal, and importantly, didn't relapse
You absolutely should be proud of yourself today!
Agree about "trying" too - I want to get to "autopilot" where avoiding porn comes naturally, but for now I'm in the same boat - gotta keep "trying" every day - but it's better than the alternative
You're an inspiring presence in the community - keep giving porn hell brother!
Ezel
Respected Member
glad to hear that you got past the situation you had yesterday, it's fascinating what going out with your partner to get some fresh air in the mountains can do for you blondie...
like you said it's better to cope with your situation than to go watch porn, I couldn't expect less from you champ.
feel free to express yourself and empty your mind in your journal, it's good to hear that the encouragement and the support you got from the members played a part in battling those feelings and getting over them.
keep pushing on blondie, you are an inspiration to all of us, and whatever happens, know that we've got your back my friend.
like you said it's better to cope with your situation than to go watch porn, I couldn't expect less from you champ.
feel free to express yourself and empty your mind in your journal, it's good to hear that the encouragement and the support you got from the members played a part in battling those feelings and getting over them.
keep pushing on blondie, you are an inspiration to all of us, and whatever happens, know that we've got your back my friend.