Porn is not an option

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Thank you for this, Blondie! What you wrote is so true, and so helpful- to me and my own journey right now! This is the kind of antidote we need to make a difference between some dips in the road or totally veering off and head toward Las Vegas, so to speak.

Instead of 'black-and-white' thinking, or the all-or-nothing approach, the important thing to embrace is a 'control model' where we can assess, 'Yes, I did thus and so last night in a moment of weakness, but all is not lost, as I didn't do X, Y, or Z, and I feel better today, so I'm still in control, and will do better today.' The opposite of this is as everything you say above...

Excellent and hopeful post, Blondie!

P.S., Give that bag of pita chips hell! ;)
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Day 276

How Black and White Thinking Will Kill Your Recovery


I've been thinking a lot recently about by continuous struggle with black and white thinking in my life and thought I'd write something about it today.

What is black and white thinking?


To put it bluntly: black and white thinking is to only see the world in either or categories, with no shades of gray in between.

For example, I've been dieting over the last year and I've lost almost 50lbs. One of the ways I've managed to do this is by never going to any extremes in my diet, and for the most part, just cutting back on my portion sizes during the day. Thus, I still eat pasta and pizza and all other kinds of "bad foods" but my portions are smaller than they were before, and that's that. Doing this, without being extreme, has helped me stay the course on my diet and kept me from going overboard when I let myself have a cheat day. However, I've notice when I've given myself a cheat day, a familiar thought pattern comes up that I'm all too familiar with in my bad porn habit over the years.

What has happened many times over the course of the year is this: I'll be having a cheat day but then find myself eating more than I had planned on, of course doing this makes me feel guilty, and then this wicked thought pops into my head, "Well... since I've alreadly "fucked up" I might as well go all the way and eat the whole damn pizza!" (n)

This my friends is the evil of black and white thinking.

Having this thought pattern and not recognizing it has really set me back over this last year in my diet, though I have been getting better at spotting it in the moment.

Why do I do this?

Why do we do this?


I've learned over the last year to remined myself in these pressing moments, "Okay, so you've had a slice more of pizza than you've planned on, this will only set me back a week in my progress. However, if I eat the whole pizza now, that will set my back two full weeks and that is not acceptable!"

Having this dialogue in my head and forcing myself to not see my diet as either on or off, or more importantly, good dieter/bad dieter, has helped me tremendously to lose quite a few pounds and be all the happier for it.

Over the years, I have recognized this same stupid thought pattern and have noticed how it constantly screwed up my recovery. We all know how this story goes don't we? :cool:

"Well fuck... I just looked at some sexy girl in yoga pants on Instagram. I've alreadly fucked up, so I might as well go all the way!"

or

"Oh shit, I just MOed and I told myself I wasn't going to do that. I guess now I should just fuck it and PMO too!"

or

"Dammit! My streaks are getting shorter and shorter, I guess I'm a fucking loser and should just give up and "start over again" tomorrow."

or my favorite

"Well I've done it! I goggled a porn site and saw one picture. I told myself I was never going do this again, so I guess I'll have another five hour session and start over tomorrow" 🤦‍♂️

Why do we do this nonsense? How can adults be so juvenile in their thinking?

It's because our minds are caught up in black and white thinking.

We must rid ourselves from such thought patterns and instantly extract them like a leech from our metal legs.

So here are some truth bombs you all can tell yourself when you've "found yourself" in a tight situation.

One porn picture does not equal five hours of porn you nitwit!

One sexy girl on Facebook does not mean you've fucked up!

Just cause you've wanked it once, doesn't make you a wanker. So stop being one dammit! :cool:

There is no such thing as a perfect recovery. So stop a giving a fuck about "shorter streaks." Anything, and I mean anything, is better than nothing!



Let us all stop this nonsense once and for all.

We are better than this - I know it.

Let us embrace the gray areas in our recovery!


That's all I have to say on this matter.

P.S.

Last night I ate half a bag of pita chips... my loser brain this morning told me I should eat the rest of it today! 🤦‍♂️


I finally wrote it @Phineas 808!
Cannot agree more with this @Blondie .

to me it goes like this -
After 5 day cold turkey
6th day one session where I log onto chatroom for 30 mins
Then my mind says
“You’ve fucked up your streak… now go on with it fantasize all you want and chat another 2-3 hours”
And …so I do it … chat 2-3 hours and get up miserable out of my couch and go to sleep
By now my mind is buzzing with dopamine waves of electricity and next day another 3 hour chat session and then MO .

had I not given into black and white thinking then it could have been something like this

5-6 cold turkey days
One slip up and chat session for 5 mins .
Quick recovery and another 3 days cold turkey clean streak
Another slip up and chat session 20 mins
Quick recovery and another week of cold turkey
And so on


you see where I may finally end up by December 2022 .

White or black approach could mean I spend approximately 350 hours in chatrooms
And had about 60 MOs in 2022.

with a keep up the cleaner days approach
I would have spent may be 52 hours in chat rooms and may be 20 MOs in 2022.

that to me is a win
and if I keep up the perseverance and pressure then may be

2024
I end up with 10 hours spent in chatroom and 5 MOs to P/Chat .

Now that’s how I want the next couple years of my life to unfold !!!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Definitely. Black and white thinking is part of me and I must get rid of it. I'm the kind of guy who would go on a binge because "I've relapsed already." But this is not a good mentality. I think it's about damage. More means more damage. It's not just a harmless continuation of a failed streak, it does more than that. Not to forget the chaser effect the next day, god damn! I prefer not to start at all than to have to go through chaser effect. Once you start, it's very hard to stop.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
White or black approach could mean I spend approximately 350 hours in chatrooms
And had about 60 MOs in 2022.

with a keep up the cleaner days approach
I would have spent may be 52 hours in chat rooms and may be 20 MOs in 2022.

that to me is a win
and if I keep up the perseverance and pressure then may be

2024
I end up with 10 hours spent in chatroom and 5 MOs to P/Chat .
I love this thinking GeminiMan.

Let's kill the beast by a thousand cuts!
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
I think it's about damage. More means more damage. It's not just a harmless continuation of a failed streak, it does more than that.
This is the gist of the problem because it's so true and it greatly effects our continual progress.

It's like porn bitch-slaps us and we fall to the ground. Then feeling low and depressed about our situation, we voluntarily grab a shovel and start to dig a hole under our feet to feel even lower and more depressed about ourselves - ground level is just not low enough for us.

Seeing this pattern over the last year in regards to my food habits has really clarified that this isn't a "porn problem" per se but just a mental pattern I need to be cognizant of. Further, with food it's also easier to quantify what a "relapse" looks like and the damage it can cause you when you can look at the scale the next day and see for yourself, whereas with porn, the damage is a little harder to quantify.

For example, it makes no logical sense to say you were planning on eating two cookies, but then, after you eat four cookies, you get pissed about yourself and say "Fuck it, I've alreadly screwed up, so now I'll eat the whole bag (12 cookies!). If we break it down into calories it looks like this.

My fun snack for my cheat day = 2 cookies = 284 calories.

This isn't too bad, a little fun but nothing that will destroy my weight-loss goals.

My fuck up on my cheat day = 2 extra cookies = 568 calories.

This makes me feel bad about myself but I'm still in control and could stop. However, if I let my emotions get to me and I turn off the rational side of my brain, my rationalization will be "Well, I've alreadly fucked up now so I'm going to go all the way! What difference does it make?"

Well let me tell you, the difference is a hell of a difference!

My fuck up with a whole bag of cookies = 1704 calories!

As you can clearly see now, this is NO "What difference does it make" type of mistake. This is your brain clearly and completely lying to you and you need to gently tell it to shut the the fuck up. It will take you weeks to recovery from this mistake, whereas before with four cookies, it would have been only a little blip on your diet radar.

So how does this relate to porn?

Let's think of things this way...

Here is a porn calorie chart

Porn substitutes (bikinis, yoga pants, Instagram, etc.) but with no masturbation = 142 calories

Porn substitutes but with masturbation = 284 calories

Searching for porn and viewing a picture/video for a minute = 568 calories = it's time to turn that shit off son.

Viewing porn for 10 minutes = 1136 calories = Looks like we have a foody here!

Saying fuck it "What difference does it make" = 1704 calories! Send in the army and bring in a crane!



As this chart clearly and rationally points out, not all fuck ups are the same at the end of the day.

So next time ladies and gentlemen, when your mind tries to lie to you and says "What difference does it make", please refer to this porn calorie chart so you know better.

And if you find yourself with shovel in hand digging a pit, it's time to throw down the shovel and get out of your own self-created sorrow.

Not all pits are created equal.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
This is the gist of the problem because it's so true and it greatly effects our continual progress.

It's like porn bitch-slaps us and we fall to the ground. Then feeling low and depressed about our situation, we voluntarily grab a shovel and start to dig a hole under our feet to feel even lower and more depressed about ourselves - ground level is just not low enough for us.

Seeing this pattern over the last year in regards to my food habits has really clarified that this isn't a "porn problem" per se but just a mental pattern I need to be cognizant of. Further, with food it's also easier to quantify what a "relapse" looks like and the damage it can cause you when you can look at the scale the next day and see for yourself, whereas with porn, the damage is a little harder to quantify.

For example, it makes no logical sense to say you were planning on eating two cookies, but then, after you eat four cookies, you get pissed about yourself and say "Fuck it, I've alreadly screwed up, so now I'll eat the whole bag (12 cookies!). If we break it down into calories it looks like this.

My fun snack for my cheat day = 2 cookies = 284 calories.

This isn't too bad, a little fun but nothing that will destroy my weight-loss goals.

My fuck up on my cheat day = 2 extra cookies = 568 calories.

This makes me feel bad about myself but I'm still in control and could stop. However, if I let my emotions get to me and I turn off the rational side of my brain, my rationalization will be "Well, I've alreadly fucked up now so I'm going to go all the way! What difference does it make?"

Well let me tell you, the difference is a hell of a difference!

My fuck up with a whole bag of cookies = 1704 calories!

As you can clearly see now, this is NO "What difference does it make" type of mistake. This is your brain clearly and completely lying to you and you need to gently tell it to shut the the fuck up. It will take you weeks to recovery from this mistake, whereas before with four cookies, it would have been only a little blip on your diet radar.

So how does this relate to porn?

Let's think of things this way...

Here is a porn calorie chart

Porn substitutes (bikinis, yoga pants, Instagram, etc.) but with no masturbation = 142 calories

Porn substitutes but with masturbation = 284 calories

Searching for porn and viewing a picture/video for a minute = 568 calories = it's time to turn that shit off son.

Viewing porn for 10 minutes = 1136 calories = Looks like we have a foody here!

Saying fuck it "What difference does it make" = 1704 calories! Send in the army and bring in a crane!



As this chart clearly and rationally points out, not all fuck ups are the same at the end of the day.

So next time ladies and gentlemen, when your mind tries to lie to you and says "What difference does it make", please refer to this porn calorie chart so you know better.

And if you find yourself with shovel in hand digging a pit, it's time to throw down the shovel and get out of your own self-created sorrow.

Not all pits are created equal.
Yes, I definitely agree, man. Damages to the brain are not as clear sometimes than physical wounds. If 1 PMO session was a wound, would you cut it 5 more times because "I got cut already, anyway," ? You wouldn't. You would say: "No, I need to take care of the wound until it heals." The brain takes damage too, but sometimes it's harder to see. But I believe stuff like depression, anxiety, panic attacks even, slow thinking, brain fog etc. They are damage to the brain in a way, it's how your brain wants to tell you: "Stop doing this shit to me cause you're fuckin me up." Especially panic attacks. If you get to that point, it's a scream for help from the brain. I remember when I was 19 and after binge drinking for the last year, stress of exam, extreme social anxiety and every day 7 PMOs binge, I started having panic attacks.
 
Day 276

How Black and White Thinking Will Kill Your Recovery


I've been thinking a lot recently about by continuous struggle with black and white thinking in my life and thought I'd write something about it today.

What is black and white thinking?


To put it bluntly: black and white thinking is to only see the world in either or categories, with no shades of gray in between.

For example, I've been dieting over the last year and I've lost almost 50lbs. One of the ways I've managed to do this is by never going to any extremes in my diet, and for the most part, just cutting back on my portion sizes during the day. Thus, I still eat pasta and pizza and all other kinds of "bad foods" but my portions are smaller than they were before, and that's that. Doing this, without being extreme, has helped me stay the course on my diet and kept me from going overboard when I let myself have a cheat day. However, I've notice when I've given myself a cheat day, a familiar thought pattern comes up that I'm all too familiar with in my bad porn habit over the years.

What has happened many times over the course of the year is this: I'll be having a cheat day but then find myself eating more than I had planned on, of course doing this makes me feel guilty, and then this wicked thought pops into my head, "Well... since I've alreadly "fucked up" I might as well go all the way and eat the whole damn pizza!" (n)

This my friends is the evil of black and white thinking.

Having this thought pattern and not recognizing it has really set me back over this last year in my diet, though I have been getting better at spotting it in the moment.

Why do I do this?

Why do we do this?


I've learned over the last year to remined myself in these pressing moments, "Okay, so you've had a slice more of pizza than you've planned on, this will only set me back a week in my progress. However, if I eat the whole pizza now, that will set my back two full weeks and that is not acceptable!"

Having this dialogue in my head and forcing myself to not see my diet as either on or off, or more importantly, good dieter/bad dieter, has helped me tremendously to lose quite a few pounds and be all the happier for it.

Over the years, I have recognized this same stupid thought pattern and have noticed how it constantly screwed up my recovery. We all know how this story goes don't we? :cool:

"Well fuck... I just looked at some sexy girl in yoga pants on Instagram. I've alreadly fucked up, so I might as well go all the way!"

or

"Oh shit, I just MOed and I told myself I wasn't going to do that. I guess now I should just fuck it and PMO too!"

or

"Dammit! My streaks are getting shorter and shorter, I guess I'm a fucking loser and should just give up and "start over again" tomorrow."

or my favorite

"Well I've done it! I goggled a porn site and saw one picture. I told myself I was never going do this again, so I guess I'll have another five hour session and start over tomorrow" 🤦‍♂️

Why do we do this nonsense? How can adults be so juvenile in their thinking?

It's because our minds are caught up in black and white thinking.

We must rid ourselves from such thought patterns and instantly extract them like a leech from our mental legs.

So here are some truth bombs you all can tell yourself when you've "found yourself" in a tight situation.

One porn picture does not equal five hours of porn you nitwit!

One sexy girl on Facebook does not mean you've fucked up!

Just cause you've wanked it once, doesn't make you a wanker. So stop being one dammit! :cool:

There is no such thing as a perfect recovery. So stop a giving a fuck about "shorter streaks." Anything, and I mean anything, is better than nothing!



Let us all stop this nonsense once and for all.

We are better than this - I know it.

Let us embrace the gray areas in our recovery!


That's all I have to say on this matter.

P.S.

Last night I ate half a bag of pita chips... my loser brain this morning told me I should eat the rest of it today! 🤦‍♂️


I finally wrote it @Phineas 808!
Love it man, agree that black and white is the true killer of motivation. We were speaking about this in my thread as well, glad to see you refine this & come at it with this type of conclusion. I also for a moment well I wasn't doing the perfect recovery when I MO'd a while back but I realized in my case that was actually for the best! Which is not necessarily what one might say but we all need to proceed at our own pace & journeys though all need to be 100% committed
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Seeing this pattern over the last year in regards to my food habits has really clarified that this isn't a "porn problem" per se but just a mental pattern I need to be cognizant of.

This!!☝️

When we see that it's all mental, from the urges (which is just a thought provided by the lower-brain's signals) to the underlying thought processes and belief systems... When we see this, it becomes easier to approach. It's not some 'almighty force' coming at you called PORN and if you're not white-knuckling and clenching your teeth, it will consume you in one final conflagration! No, it's just a thought that we habitually react to, or mindfully dismiss.

Your comparison between eating habits and abstinence reminded me of how P/MO is compared to 'junk-sex', and isn't it true? Your making reference as an analogy to 'porn-calories' as it were, is definitely scientific in that, one lapse- even two or three exposures to porn, maybe a PMO session (admittedly 'worse') is not as bad as saying, "Well, it's day 0, I might as well go for it!" And then binging for hours on hours. What's the result? What would have been maybe two weeks setback becomes more serious damage to the dopamine receptors that were healing during the streak. Two or three weeks setback versus possibly two or three months! That's a way to think of the calorie analogy in terms of time/brain effects.

Excellent topic, brother!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 277

No One Escapes Alcatraz With Only Good Intentions


In my twenties, if you would have asked me about my porn addiction, I would have told you I was trying to quit with all my heart and soul. This statement would have seemed to be true to any friend or family member, but it was false, but I didn't know it at the time.

If there's one thing I've learned in this little thing called life, is that sincerity does not equal truth. And although I was sincere in my statements and protestations of quitting porn back in my twenties, if you would have looked behind the surface, you would see that little Blondie was full of it.

Why was I full of it?

I was full of it because I was all words but no actions. I never once changed my life in anyway that would have helped me actually quit porn - it was all just surface level changes and nothing more (aka, vacuous words!). Although I committed myself to God over and over again, and then, recommitted myself, no lasting change ever happened because I was completely unaware of what it would actually take to escape Alcatraz once and for all.

God helps those who help themselves

Alcatraz.jpg


In June of 1962, three men escaped Alcatraz into the cold waters of the San Francisco Bay, willing to do whatever it took to escape, even to face a likely death in the frigid hypothermic waters. These men did not "wish" to escape their physical prisons, oh no, they knew that wishing would get them nowhere, they had to make their wishes into realities. They had decided to do whatever was necessary to get what they wanted most of all - freedom.

These men, over the course of six months, dedicated their lives (literally) to escape their hard stone cold prison. Of course, there was no certainty of escape, as there's no certainty in anything in this life, besides a certain death. But these men were willing to do whatever it took, to achieve what they wanted.

escape1.jpg
Yours truly. :cool:

What are we willing to do to escape the prison walls of our porn addiction?

What things are we doing, or not doing, that would help us escape?

Here are some thoughts.

No more porn substitutes. Cut out all non porn images that you use for "fun" in your life. We are grown men now, thus, looking at that shit, even if not porn, is below us and not up to our standards. Our lives depend on it.

Talk to a friend or your loved one. This can be one of the hardest things to do, but it can help tremendously. I know not everyone can do this, and I respect your situation, but having that friend, or in my case, girlfriend behind me and rooting for me is truly inspiring.

Stop thinking of your recovery in black in white. I wrote about his yesterday, but it literally can kill your progress dead in its tracks. So stop it!

Join a Sex Addicts group. If you can't seem to break this habit by yourself, then you must do whatever is necessary to stop it, and yes, that might mean get over your ego. There is no shame in admitting you need help. Period. And if you're a man, you might need to hear this more. The "manly" thing to do is not to lie and hide your shit from yourself and those people and loved ones around you. No, men don't do that. We have to stop this macho bullshit and get real with ourselves. It's not weak asking for help, it's weak acting like you don't need to. Escaping from Alcatraz took all of the combined skills of the three different men in the group, not one of them had all of the answers, and neither do you. So get over yourself.

There is no such thing as a "perfect" group. This ties in to what I said above. Many times in life, we refuse to join a certain group or community because we can't find the "perfect" one. And many times in life, these are nothing but bullshit excuses. I got news for you, no group or community is ever going to be perfect or fit your definition of it, so just accept this fact and move on with your life. Take what you can get out of it and be grateful for the experience.

Do you find yourself not liking someone here on RN or some other community? Great, don't talk to them! It's as simple as that. This is your recovery, not anyone else's. I spent years not going back to school because I couldn't find the "perfect" one or I said they were all just teaching "political propaganda," thus, I knew better than anyone else etc. Is there some truth to my thoughts, absolutely, but they were still fucking excuses and I now see them for what they really were. Don't waste your life making excuses.

God will not solve your problems. Now I write this with respect to anyone who believes in God - RN is certainly no place to argue over religion. However, I say this as a ex Christian so I'm familiar with that culture. I have found that some believers have a lawyer like propensity to find any loopholes around their porn addiction and recovery, and I would know because I was the best of them! For example, If they're bad with their money they'll pridefully quote to you "Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven" while somehow forgetting that Jesus says not to be proud also! They also blame their losses on Satan instead having a good hard look at themselves, my dad does this sometimes. :confused:

Dad: "Son, times are tough, but God works in mysterious ways" Me: "No dad, you just suck with money"

Or take this example, you can quote Philippians 4:13 to me all day long, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (See I know my Bible!:cool:) but if you're an alcoholic repeating that verse to yourself while you're walking to work at a liquor store, you're a fucking moron! I know they say God has a sense of humor, but please, let God laugh at someone else for a change! We're better than that! If you want to escape Alcatraz, do everything that's within your power and planning, and then pray God has your back.

Again, I mean no disrespect, but these are all things I use to do and have seen others do. These loopholes will not solve your problems, so take a hard look at yourself and ask if you do any of them.

Take extreme measures. You can't escape porn or Alcatraz without being fanatical about it. For example, to escape Alcatraz, the three men had to meticulously widen the ventilation ducts in their cell rooms one scratch at a time with dull saw blades and metal spoons! Then they had to make a cardboard cutout that looked like the real deal so as no guard would be able to notice the hole in the wall. See picture below.

Alcatraz_cell_vent.JPG
Pretty badass!

What can we learn from this?

Do whatever it takes, go to extreme measures to conquer this shit.

Here are a few extreme things you could do for a while...

Get rid of your laptop if you're able to. If not, only use it for work and have your special someone guard it if need be.

Trade in your smart phone for a cheap flip phone for a while (You'll be saving money at the same time!)

Stop watching all tv and YouTube

Get rid of all your Instagram and Facebook accounts (A win-win all around).

Have your friend tie your hands behind you back before going to bed (I'm only half joking here, but not really! ;) )

Read an hour a day about porn addiction and how to recover from it. (Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was this addiction) Doing this will reinforce the importance of staying vigilant.


That's enough for now, but you all should get the message.

Quitting this habit will take everything you've got and more. But like escaping Alcatraz, what lies beyond this bad habit is freedom - and nothing is worth more than that!

Onwards brothers and sisters!
 
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Ezel

Well-Known Member
Couldn't agree more Blondie, you always over deliver, you are a blessing to the whole community, God bless you my friend, and keep those golden nuggets coming, you never know who might need them...
 
D

Deleted member 29364

Guest
Day 277

No One Escapes Alcatraz With Only Good Intentions


In my twenties, if you would have asked me about my porn addiction, I would have told you I was trying to quit with all my heart and soul. This statement would have seemed to be true to any friend or family member, but it was false, but I didn't know it at the time.

If there's one thing I've learned in this little thing called life, is that sincerity does not equal truth. And although I was sincere in my statements and protestations of quitting porn back in my twenties, if you would have looked behind the surface, you would see that little Blondie was full of it.

Why was I full of it?

I was full of it because I was all words but no actions. I never once changed my life in anyway that would have helped me actually quit porn - it was all just surface level changes and nothing more (aka, vacuous words!). Although I committed myself to God over and over again, and then, recommitted myself, no lasting change ever happened because I was completely unaware of what it would actually take to escape Alcatraz once and for all.

God helps those who help themselves

View attachment 668


In June of 1962, three men escaped Alcatraz into the cold waters of the San Francisco Bay, willing to do whatever it took to escape, even to face a likely death in the frigid hypothermic waters. These men did not "wish" to escape their physical prisons, oh no, they knew that wishing would get them nowhere, they had to make their wishes into realities. They had decided to do whatever was necessary to get what they wanted most of all - freedom.

These men, over the course of six months, dedicated their lives (literally) to escape their hard stone-cold prison. Of course, there was no certainty of escape, as there's no certainty in anything in this life, besides a certain death. But these men were willing to do whatever it took, to achieve what they wanted.

View attachment 669
Yours truly. :cool:

What are we willing to do to escape the prison walls of our porn addiction?

What things are we doing, or not doing, that would help us escape?

Here are some thoughts.

No more porn substitutes. Cut out all non porn images that you use for "fun" in your life. We are grown men now, thus, looking at that shit, even if not porn, is below us and not up to our standards. Our lives depend on it.

Talk to a friend or your loved one. This can be one of the hardest things to do, but it can help tremendously. I know not everyone can do this, and I respect your situation, but having that friend, or in my case, girlfriend behind me and rooting for me is truly inspiring.

Stop thinking of your recovery in black in white. I wrote about his yesterday, but it literally can kill your progress dead in its tracks. So stop it!

Join a Sex Addicts group. If you can't seem to break this habit by yourself, then you must do whatever is necessary to stop it, and yes, that might mean get over your ego. There is no shame in admitting you need help. Period. And if you're a man, you might need to hear this more. The "manly" thing to do is not to lie and hide your shit from yourself and those people and loved ones around you. No, men don't do that. We have to stop this macho bullshit and get real with ourselves. It's not weak asking for help, it's weak acting like you don't need to. Escaping from Alcatraz took all of the combined skills of the three different men in the group, not one of them had all of the answers, and neither do you. So get over yourself.

There is no such thing as a "perfect" group. This ties in to what I said above. Many times in life, we refuse to join a certain group or community because we can't find the "perfect" one. And many times in life, these are nothing but bullshit excuses. I got news for you, no group or community is ever going to be perfect or fit your definition of it, so just except this fact and move on with your life. Take what you can get out of it and be grateful for the experience.

Do you find yourself not liking someone here on RN or some other community? Great, don't talk to them! It's a simple as that. This is your recovery, not anyone else's. I spent years not going back to school because I couldn't find the "perfect" one or I said they were all just teaching "political propaganda," thus, I knew better than anyone else etc. Is there some truth to my thoughts, absolutely, but they were still fucking excuses and I now see them for what they really were. Don't waste your life making excuses.

God will not solve your problems. Now I write this with respect to anyone who believes in God - RN is certainly no place to argue over religion. However, I say this as a ex Christian so I'm familiar with that culture. I have found that some believers have a lawyer like propensity to find any loopholes around their porn addiction and recovery, and I would know because I was the best of them! For example, If they're bad with their money they'll pridefully quote to you "Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven" while somehow forgetting that Jesus says not to be proud also! They also blame their losses on Satan instead having a good hard look at themselves, my dad does this sometimes. :confused:

Dad: "Son, times are tough, but God works in mysterious ways" Me: "No dad, you just suck with money"

Or take this example, you can quote Philippians 4:13 to me all day long, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (See I know my Bible!:cool:) but if you're an alcoholic repeating that verse to yourself while you're walking to work at a liquor store, you're a fucking moron! I know they say God has a sense of humor, but please, let God laugh at someone else for a change! We're better than that! If you want to escape Alcatraz, do everything that's within your power and planning, and then pray God has your back.

Again, I mean no disrespect, but these are all things I use to do and have seen others do. These loopholes will not solve your problems, so take a hard look at yourself and ask if you do any of them.

Take extreme measures. You can't escape porn or Alcatraz without being fanatical about it. For example, to escape Alcatraz, the three men had to meticulously widen the ventilation ducts in their cell rooms one scratch at a time with dull saw blades and metal spoons! Then they had to make a cardboard cutout that looked like the real deal so as no guard would be able to notice the hole in the wall. See picture below.

View attachment 671
Pretty badass!

What can we learn from this?

Do whatever it takes, go to extreme measures to conquer this shit.

Here are a few extreme things you could do for a while...

Get rid of your laptop if you're able to. If not, only use it for work and have your special someone guard it if need be.

Trade in your smart phone for a cheap flip phone for a while (You'll be saving money at the same time!)

Stop watching all tv and YouTube

Get ride of all your Instagram and Facebook accounts (A win-win all around).

Have your friend tie your hands behind you back before going to bed (I'm only half joking here, but not really! ;) )

Read an hour a day about porn addiction and how to recover from it. (Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was this addiction) Doing this will reinforce the importance of staying vigilant.


That's enough for now, but you all should get the message. Quitting this habit will take everything you've got and more. But like escaping Alcatraz, what lies beyond this bad habit is freedom - and nothing is worth more than that!

Onwards brothers and sisters!
Nothing but facts here. Lots of love brother.
 
D

Deleted member 28870

Guest
Day 127

I woke up today with the hardest boner I've had in, hell, I don't know how long, it was fantastic!

For all you struggling today, stay strong out there! And remember, you're not losing anything by not looking at porn. There's only positives to be gained, no negatives. Staying away, makes your life 100x better!
I need this post like in my house and in a frame. There's so much truth to this. There is nothing good I see this stuff bringing. Grappling with it is hard, but yeah - I am doing nothing wrong by staying abstinent from porn.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Brilliant post Blondie, those are some great points. The part about taking extreme measures is something I'm starting to understand, I had also been making surface level "changes" without actually being willing to sacrifice anything. I mean, if we're serious about quitting, what's the hold up?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thanks @Ezel, @Shreezy, @SmokenMirrors, @WestCoast and @downhillfromhere, you guys are great. I'm glad I could help a little.

Day 278

Well today is a big day for me. I've been working on a goal and project of mine for many years and today it's finally coming into fruition. They say hard work pays off and I can definitely attest to this fact. I'm so happy and proud of myself for putting in the effort these last four or five years and seeing what can happen when you put your shit behind you (mostly) and get on with life and your goals. And if you're wondering what I'm talking about, yes, the shit I'm talking about is porn.

At the end of this year I'll be turning 40 which is crazy to believe! But I want to let you all know that it's never too late to start or quit this shit and move on with your life. I see a lot of people worrying and anxious that it's too late because they're 30, 35 or even late 20s, but it's simply not true, it's never too late to start. I was a little over 35 when I decided to officially quit porn and today my world is completely different than it was then. Although it hasn't been a perfect run, I've had my relapses here and there, the amount of time and focus I've been able to achieve is only because of that simple decision back in April 18th 2018.

So if you're kicking yourself and feeling blue because you think your life is over at 30 something, I'm living proof that your life CAN be turned around! Thus, don't listen to those stupid thoughts running around in your head or society or whatever. Be yourself, accept it and move on with your life. You got this! And if you're older, then the same applies to you. I would rather die with five years of peace behind me than die a wanker, knowing I gave it all for nothing. It's never too late to make a change and turn your life around!

I'll be missing in action here at RN for the next few weeks, I'll just be too busy to write much or respond. I'll probably still post my days though because that keeps me accountable, but who knows, maybe not. There's a part of me that thinks if I don't post my days, I might screw up, and I think I might want to test that and prove to myself that that isn't so. Needless to say, I won't have time to post on anyone else's wall, but please know that I'm with you all in spirit. I will definitely be back, it's not time for me to leave yet.

I wrote this poem when I first started writing here six months ago. It encapsulates everything I wrote here today. Quitting porn is just the beginning of this journey, because in the end, it's about finding your true self and starting a new life.

Anyone can refrain from porn for 90 days,
all it takes is resolve and a little action.
But to accept life on its own terms for the rest of one's days,
takes everything you have, with no strong reactions.
It requires a new paradigm shift, a new way of thinking,
because real life is no five hour dopamine high in the making!
They say absence makes the heart grow stronger,
but abstinence from porn often makes the brain scream "No longer!"
This is why it's incumbent on us to completely change our lives,
so that we no longer hear porn's knocking, nor realize it even survives.
To quit is a great thing, but to completely change one's life, is even more desirable,
because at the end of the day, we must know, deep in our hearts, that a new life is acquirable.



This is a great community, we all got this!

Best

Blondie
 
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D

Deleted member 29364

Guest
Best of luck on your venture, @Blondie . I really hope to have your kind of perseverance when I am at your age.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Congratulations, Blondie, on your goals concerning your project coming to fruition! Hope you find a way to celebrate and reward yourself!
 
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