Porn is not an option
- Thread starter Blondie
- Start date
Simon2
Well-Known Member
Just thinking of you and hoping you're doing ok. @tay97 is right. If you can make it through this you can do anything! I hope you've found a way to take advantage of this sudden lull in action to do something that maybe you've felt too busy to do for a long time... I've often wondered what I could have done with the time I spent on P. Like learn a new language lol.
Sorry for your contracting the virus, Blondie! Sending support and well-wishing for speedy recovery.
To the bigger issues: the disappointment of this project you worked so hard on, its final fruition, and this being unexpectedly lost... this all being coupled with being shut in with mostly a computer and a couple of books...
But it all sounds like the makings of.... COMPLETE AND UTTER VICTORY!
This time will go down in your life as a watershed moment, a time that you'll be able to reference for years to come. This is 'you in the lion's den' as it were, and I have no doubts that you will come out successfully. I think you knew exactly what this was when it came down. But this is why you will shine and be successful. Sometimes I think how I would survive prison (not that I plan to go) or even solitary confinement. I know coming up with a mental regimen, a physical exercise program, a schedule to which you'll sitck to, may be your salvation. Above all, have faith... I know that sounds cliche, but 'trust' that there's a reason why all this happened, and that when all is said and done, you were the better for it.
You, and you alone hold the pen to how this story goes, how this chapter will unfold. I know it's a big disappointment and looks like an utter fail, a strange turn of fate, but you will make this moment what YOU want it to be, despite what's seemingly out of our control.
To the bigger issues: the disappointment of this project you worked so hard on, its final fruition, and this being unexpectedly lost... this all being coupled with being shut in with mostly a computer and a couple of books...
But it all sounds like the makings of.... COMPLETE AND UTTER VICTORY!This time will go down in your life as a watershed moment, a time that you'll be able to reference for years to come. This is 'you in the lion's den' as it were, and I have no doubts that you will come out successfully. I think you knew exactly what this was when it came down. But this is why you will shine and be successful. Sometimes I think how I would survive prison (not that I plan to go) or even solitary confinement. I know coming up with a mental regimen, a physical exercise program, a schedule to which you'll sitck to, may be your salvation. Above all, have faith... I know that sounds cliche, but 'trust' that there's a reason why all this happened, and that when all is said and done, you were the better for it.
You, and you alone hold the pen to how this story goes, how this chapter will unfold. I know it's a big disappointment and looks like an utter fail, a strange turn of fate, but you will make this moment what YOU want it to be, despite what's seemingly out of our control.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 283
Thank you everyone for your support, it really just blows my mind to read all the love here - you have no idea.
Still going strong and staying mostly in good spirits. After pulling my hair out and bitching for most of the day yesterday, I decided I was over feeling sorry for myself and tried to make some type of plan that I can stick to for the next week.
I'll be studying the local language and just go at it all day long for the most part - fortunately there's a ton of free stuff online which is great. I know it's only a week but it would be fun to order some food or something at the end of all this nonsense, and hey, anything is better than looking at porn right? Yes, @SimonM, if only we could get that time back, or at the very least, know deep in our hearts that one day we will die, and we better start making the most of it right now!
@First_step_thousand_miles, you asked me sometime last week (I saw it back there somewhere) what I've learned the most from this reboot, I would have to say this: no matter how bad your day or situation gets, it will always get better - this is completely empowering to know. Yesterday was terrible, probably one of the worst days I've ever had in my life, up there with breaking up with my fiancé back in the day; however, just knowing that those strong overwhelming emotions can be felt and endured without running away to anything to deaden them, is one of the greatest blessings I've learned over this journey, especially the last 48 hours. It's a cliché but it's true, the saying this too shall pass has much truth in it, if only we could learn to embrace it and not run from it.
I still have a long ways to go, but after today I know I can do it. It's strange, it's not the Covid that's scared me, it just being by myself like in a prison (thanks @Phineas 808!) with no one to interact with - funny how the mind works. Ironically, I'm quite the introvert but here I am, still wanting and needing to engage with people at the very least. Life's funny like that.
I'll probably stick to my original plan and not be here too much for the next week or so, it's been good for me to be away for awhile and know I wont go blow it instantly or something, but if I get some strong urges, I'll be here real quick!
Thank you all and keep killing it like always.
Thank you everyone for your support, it really just blows my mind to read all the love here - you have no idea.
Still going strong and staying mostly in good spirits. After pulling my hair out and bitching for most of the day yesterday, I decided I was over feeling sorry for myself and tried to make some type of plan that I can stick to for the next week.
I'll be studying the local language and just go at it all day long for the most part - fortunately there's a ton of free stuff online which is great. I know it's only a week but it would be fun to order some food or something at the end of all this nonsense, and hey, anything is better than looking at porn right? Yes, @SimonM, if only we could get that time back, or at the very least, know deep in our hearts that one day we will die, and we better start making the most of it right now!
@First_step_thousand_miles, you asked me sometime last week (I saw it back there somewhere) what I've learned the most from this reboot, I would have to say this: no matter how bad your day or situation gets, it will always get better - this is completely empowering to know. Yesterday was terrible, probably one of the worst days I've ever had in my life, up there with breaking up with my fiancé back in the day; however, just knowing that those strong overwhelming emotions can be felt and endured without running away to anything to deaden them, is one of the greatest blessings I've learned over this journey, especially the last 48 hours. It's a cliché but it's true, the saying this too shall pass has much truth in it, if only we could learn to embrace it and not run from it.
I still have a long ways to go, but after today I know I can do it. It's strange, it's not the Covid that's scared me, it just being by myself like in a prison (thanks @Phineas 808!) with no one to interact with - funny how the mind works. Ironically, I'm quite the introvert but here I am, still wanting and needing to engage with people at the very least. Life's funny like that.
I'll probably stick to my original plan and not be here too much for the next week or so, it's been good for me to be away for awhile and know I wont go blow it instantly or something, but if I get some strong urges, I'll be here real quick!
Thank you all and keep killing it like always.
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particularly_respecting
Active Member
Agree with Phineas - it sucks but when you get through this it'll be proof your recovery is titanium solid
Sending you strength brother - you got this
Maybe next time you will joke about Blondie being in a palace? 
Blondie
Respected Member
What Would I Gain from Looking at Porn?
Today I've been thinking a lot about the consequences if I decided to screw up and look at porn in the next few days. Don't get me wrong, I haven't really been tempted to do that, but I have considered the free choice that I have in the matter. I've done this thought experiment with an almost a godlike, downwards looking view of my situation, like the God's point of view shots that Martin Scorsese loves in his films.
I find when I separate myself in this way from my current worries and frustrations and see reality for what it actually is, I gain some real understanding of things.
My happiness factor over the last few days has been pretty low, with random highs that I've planned to get me through the day (Coffee and long showers!). On a scale of 0-10 (10 being the best) here is my honest "happiness" chart these last four days.
Wednesday: 2/10. A truly terrible day.
Thursday: 4.5/10 Somewhat better.
Friday 3/10 Trying to get food while being locked in a room and trusting people you don't know is stressful!
Today 4.5/10
When I look at this chart, I see I haven't been too happy for obvious and completely understandable reasons! However, whenever I've backed up and thought about what would happen if I really fucked up and "had some fun!" I see the lie for what it truly is. Sure, if I looked at porn I might forget my "bullshit" for a momentary moment, but afterwards, I would sink emotionally all the way down to zero! Shit I can't imagine feeling zero in this lonely room and trying to figure out all the other bullshit of this situation. Doing this would be completely irrational of me!
But we do this everyday, even in our normal lives. We forget the long term happiness for just a minute of "I deserve this" bullshit - then we feel less about ourselves and sink even lower!
So whenever you're feeling tempted, remove yourself from the situation and get a God's point of view take on the matter first - it might just save you!
Oh yeah, I'm three and half days through this nonsense - not like I'm carving numbers into the wall or anything!
Today I've been thinking a lot about the consequences if I decided to screw up and look at porn in the next few days. Don't get me wrong, I haven't really been tempted to do that, but I have considered the free choice that I have in the matter. I've done this thought experiment with an almost a godlike, downwards looking view of my situation, like the God's point of view shots that Martin Scorsese loves in his films.
I find when I separate myself in this way from my current worries and frustrations and see reality for what it actually is, I gain some real understanding of things.
My happiness factor over the last few days has been pretty low, with random highs that I've planned to get me through the day (Coffee and long showers!). On a scale of 0-10 (10 being the best) here is my honest "happiness" chart these last four days.
Wednesday: 2/10. A truly terrible day.
Thursday: 4.5/10 Somewhat better.
Friday 3/10 Trying to get food while being locked in a room and trusting people you don't know is stressful!
Today 4.5/10
When I look at this chart, I see I haven't been too happy for obvious and completely understandable reasons! However, whenever I've backed up and thought about what would happen if I really fucked up and "had some fun!" I see the lie for what it truly is. Sure, if I looked at porn I might forget my "bullshit" for a momentary moment, but afterwards, I would sink emotionally all the way down to zero! Shit I can't imagine feeling zero in this lonely room and trying to figure out all the other bullshit of this situation. Doing this would be completely irrational of me!
But we do this everyday, even in our normal lives. We forget the long term happiness for just a minute of "I deserve this" bullshit - then we feel less about ourselves and sink even lower!
So whenever you're feeling tempted, remove yourself from the situation and get a God's point of view take on the matter first - it might just save you!
Oh yeah, I'm three and half days through this nonsense - not like I'm carving numbers into the wall or anything!
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Love this, Blondie- except for how low you've been (understandably) feeling.
Taking a bird's eyeview of our situation, stepping outside of ourselves and assessing the true situation... This is very mindful and purposeful. There's kind of an opposite to this, a mindless situation, a being dissociative. Being so caught up in one's thoughts and the story we're telling ourselves that we're just not grounded, we're 'outside ourselves' but off in fantasy land, or some unhelpful thought process.
Glad you'll be through with this soon.
Taking a bird's eyeview of our situation, stepping outside of ourselves and assessing the true situation... This is very mindful and purposeful. There's kind of an opposite to this, a mindless situation, a being dissociative. Being so caught up in one's thoughts and the story we're telling ourselves that we're just not grounded, we're 'outside ourselves' but off in fantasy land, or some unhelpful thought process.
Glad you'll be through with this soon.
Blondie
Respected Member
This is so true.
I think one of the tragedies of being so well off in a general sense (I speak as an American), is that we don't really experience a "real" low very often in our day to day lives. Thus, the low that porn gives us after the "high" is something we're still willing to risk it all for, just as long as we get that great high before the inevitable low. However, this week being what it is, even from a practical perspective, I just couldn't risk feeling that low afterwards, it wouldn't be worth it.
Something to think about.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Very true. Whenever I feel "that urge" I ask myself: why? What's the bigger picture here? What emotions led you here? What problem are you trying to solve? Whatever it is, porn is not the answer. Although your idea of the "god point of view" is very eloquent, I think of it more like a security camera point of view: you're just going to be an idiot jerking off in front of his computer. The footage is played in court, and the judge finds me guilty.
Blondie
Respected Member
Thank you for this @TryingHarder, it brought a much needed laugh!I think of it more like a security camera point of view: you're just going to be an idiot jerking off in front of his computer. The footage is played in court, and the judge finds me guilty.
The footage is played in court, and the judge finds me guilty.
We all have a share in this, TH..., however, the tapes will also show the effort, the research, the actual denial of ourselves, even when we could've done it, redone it, binged, but didn't. Yes, it will show our lapses, too, but the evidence will be overwhelming in our favor that we get up time and again, and are changing ourselves for the better- for ourselves, and for our loved ones.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 286
Today I found myself so bored that I had no time to do anything.
The window was my greatest friend...
Like Quasimodo, I found myself creating stories for the people I saw below me in the courtyard - hell, I even talked to the birds and thought about singing to them!
Anyways, just a one more day and I'll be out of here.
This too shall pass.
Today I found myself so bored that I had no time to do anything.
The window was my greatest friend...
Like Quasimodo, I found myself creating stories for the people I saw below me in the courtyard - hell, I even talked to the birds and thought about singing to them!
Anyways, just a one more day and I'll be out of here.
This too shall pass.