Porn is not an option


Respected Member
It's okay that I feel bad. Feeling bad makes me want to change all the more, and change is what us addicts need the most. We don't need "one more picture" or "just one more session then I'll quit" to fix things, because we know that road is a lonely road that leads to nowhere.

Phineas 808

Staff member
Congratulations, Blondie, on hitting 10 months free of that nonsense! I hope you and your girl do something really special to celebrate that.

I'm with you that sex with our significant other can be included in 'monk mode', and truth be told, after having sex with the wife, there's been spiritual highs, in addition to the neurochemicals, lol... So, one feels like a monk. Sex itself is never evil, and is actually quite spiritual, it's only a distorted aberration what the world has made it to be nowadays.

Good on ya, Blondie! Here's to going a whole year, as I'm sure that's in your sights now.


Respected Member
I'm with you that sex with our significant other can be included in 'monk mode', and truth be told, after having sex with the wife, there's been spiritual highs, in addition to the neurochemicals, lol... So, one feels like a mon
I like this Phineas.

Yes, one of the driving factors of quitting porn is so we can all find connection with a real human being. So maybe you're right, that could be considered a monk mode of sorts.

And yes, sex is truly spiritual, especially when your only outlet for that experience is your partner and nothing else.


Well-Known Member
Awesome stuff man, what a big milestone!!! Glad to see you crushing life, in the modern day there was so, so many addictions available to us (video games, porn, cigs, hard drugs, etc). It's honestly amazing how little we are prepared for it but better realize it late than never & work to change it. I can honestly say my life has improved in just 70 days from not using P. Can't imagine what 300 must feel like, you're crushing it king


Respected Member
Day 302

I wrote this piece a few days ago in the Partners of Rebooters and Addicts section and I thought I'd post it here. It was a response to a good article @Gracie posted a while back ago that was titled The Looking Thing. I find there is a remarkable demarcation between this side of the forum and that side. This isn't a problem per se for me, but it's an interesting observation nonetheless.

The first part of this piece I tried to set up in a biological sense why us men have the propensity to gaze at almost anything that moves! Then I go on to explain the female equivalent to the male gaze. Some of this is pulled from evolutionary psychology and the social sciences which I find to be extremely fascinating and quite illuminating. However, social theories are one thing, reality is often a little more subtle with variations of gray in between. Nevertheless, common sense shows a lot of this is to be true on a day to day basis.

After I wrote it, I let my girlfriend read it because I wanted to know what she thought about my God's eye view of human sexuality :cool:. She loved it and said she mostly agreed with it. She naturally mentioned I was over generalizing, but still agreed with the overall message. Of course I retorted, exceptions only prove the rule! I love this this kind of shit, and talking about it is extremely fun and rewarding for me.

Please note, there is some in the Manosphere who use this theory in a very misogynistic way, where women must be controlled because of their "nature" blah blah, you know the story. What I write here has nothing to do with that shit. I'm a man who likes the truth, the cold hard truth, even if it makes you cry in the end. I truly believe you can't fix your life until you remove all the bullshit from your goggles and see reality for what it is. Also, writing as man, I think think it's very important to differentiate between our "porn addiction" and our naturally beautiful sexuality. I strongly believe we won't fix our porn problem if we don't address both issues head on.

The problem with porn is it's such a shame based addiction, that it often leads us to overcompensate and start feeling shame about being a man as well. This isn't good and it's not helpful for a true recovery.

Gracie's article is first, mine follows.

This from 2014. But worth a read.

Could the basking in the attention of the ladies be a contributing factor to your wife's mood swings? Menopause is a pretty tough thing to go through. It means to a lot of us that we are indeed getting old. Getting the scan turned off after stopping porn was tough for my husband. This article helped a lot.

Dear Porn Doc:
One of my biggest problems isn’t necessarily looking at porn…but rather looking at women—a lot. In fact, I am often not even aware that I am doing it and have really gotten into trouble with both my current girlfriend as well as in past relationships. What are some tips in stopping this?

Porn Doc:
You have a “looker.” In fact, most men are visual creatures anyway, but when you also struggle with compulsive sexual behavior, the looking takes on more of an obsessive quality. “I can’t stop looking.” “If I don’t look, I’ll miss out on something.” To bring a deeper awareness to your looking, I recommend the following interventions as some short-term solutions:

1. The Two-Second Rule—A simple intervention is to use a two-second rule. This is essentially a self-monitoring tool to establish some control and boundaries around the looking. When a person notices that he is indeed looking too much, he then gives himself “permission” to look one time and one time only, up to two seconds. The idea is if you are aware enough to slap a limit on the looking, then they are aware that they are crossing the line.

2. Other Women’s Body Parts Aren’t My Business—Men reveal that they often feel obligated to look, as if it’s their job. Or they might worry that they will miss out on something. A simple reminder—or mantra—is to remind yourself that the woman who has caught your attention is none of your business; she does not know you; she did not wear those clothes for you; she does not welcome you. You need not look.

3. She Is A Person—Obsessive looking usually involves objectifying. Notice your language when you’re looking and what you are saying (internally or out loud). You may be saying to yourself something like: “Look at those breasts!” “Look at that butt, those legs.” The list goes on. Remind yourself that she is a person by lending her some humanity. She is somebody’s daughter. She is somebody’s sister. She is somebody’s mother. She is somebody. Not an object.

This helped my husband and I work through the "looking thing"
Give it a try it could help both you and your wife.

My article

In general, men are polygamous and women are hypergamous, thus you get men looking at everything that moves and women only wanting the best that they can get, I like to call this the Mr. Darcy phenomenon :). Obviously this is a over generalization, but in general, I find generalizations to have much truth in them, even if modern society doesn't want to admit it for political or social reasons.

We can see this happening right before our eyes on a day to day basis. Most guys who go out on the weekends to "get laid," will go back emptyhanded afterwards and unfortunately use porn as their only sexual outlet that night. These lonely guys would have hooked up with almost any girl at the bar, because that's how us guys are, especially if it's only for a night. Bad personality? it matters not! :) However, for most women, they damn well know that they could have almost any guy at the bar, even if they're average looking, thus, they try to go home with the best man they can get. No woman says "I got lucky tonight!" Unless she wound up with the best dude at the bar!

Again, an over simplification, but there's much truth in it. This doesn't make girls more moral than us guys, or make us men dogs, but it's just the facts and we all know it to be true. Now if we want to admit it or not is another matter!

You can see this with jokes on the internet, with guys making memes with a picture of their wife on their wedding day looking like she's going off to prison, compared to the day she met Jason Momoa and she's practically losing herself in his arms. lol. Talk about an insult to his masculinity, and doing this right in front of him! Poor chump. This is the equivalent of us dudes looking at everything that moves, it just happens less, because well, there's only so many "Jason Momoas" to go around. Thus, both sexes do this shit, it's just in different ways. Women want the best they can get, and men, although it's true we also want the best, we would also just about do anything that was handed to us on a platter.

Variety is the spice of life for us men, which is why porn is so devastating for us - it gives us everything and nothing at the same time.

So what does these worthless ramblings have to do with your article Gracie? Quite a bit actually!

I agree with most of it in general, but maybe for different reasons than you.

The two second rule is golden and I definitely try to follow it most of the time. However, the way I see it is this, if you truly love women, why the hell would you want to be a creep and lose your chances with them by staring? I've never understood when guys do this, it just makes so sense to me. This crap only works in the movies, and we all know how truthful they are!

Another reason I don't do this is because as a man and in a monogamous relationship, seeing something you can't have is just frustrating and does the body and mind no good. The way I see it is this, there's really no reason to check out a woman unless you plan on hitting on her and going up to talk to her. Besides for that, what's really the point of the exercise, you get nothing out of it.

Of course, checking out a woman and appreciating her beauty are two entirely different things. The former really has no purpose if you're in a relationship, and the latter, well I will never apologize for that. Ironically, the former is dying day by day, while the latter grows exponentially the further I get away from porn.

You ladies truly are the greatest things.

And though I agree with the third point, and you'll find many posts I've done mentioning this very fact, it's not entirely the truth of the matter. As a man I can appreciate a beautiful pair of boobs while still not objectifying them and wanting to know the woman they belong to. Of course it's also true I can do the latter and only objectify her and think of nothing else. One is a problem that porn definitely fuels, and the other is not a problem whatsoever, and is just a man being in awe of the fairer sex.

Being a man is nothing no man should ever apologize for.


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Well-Known Member
Well written Blondie, I think there’s a lot of truth in this. In these times you would probably be “dragged” for posting something like this on Twitter for example, because there is no place to be had for generalisation for the sake of a discussion.

Myself, I’m all for people getting to express themselves and discuss a topic where you entertain the idea of something being true - even if it might not be 100% accurate in every case.

I’m certainly guilty of being inclined to look at women, and I think it goes beyond any innate predisposition I have as a male. Porn is certainly a huge factor for me personally, but also our culture that is desperate to sexualise women in order to get people’s attention - men and women alike. We are sort of conditioned to value someone based on simply their appearance, not their opinions or actions.

Porn makes everything worse. Maybe we men expect something to happen just by looking at someone, as if it’s their job to take their clothes off and please us. Don’t know where we could possibly have that from! 😄

I want to point out that even if I’m inclined to look, I never stare. I try my best to just check someone out quickly if I find them beautiful, and leave it at that. Unless I get any eye action back, just leave it. Maybe I’m too good at hiding my interest though, sometimes.

And I agree with you on men who almost go out of their way to stare - I know people like that personally. At the airport the other day I noticed a guy who really went for it, stared intently at a girl just minding her own business reading a book. As we arrived at our destination, I noticed he met up with his girlfriend. I don’t want to judge, I don’t know their situation, but I couldn’t help thinking “man, fuck that guy”. It’s so disrespectful to both women.


Respected Member
Porn makes everything worse. Maybe we men expect something to happen just by looking at someone, as if it’s their job to take their clothes off and please us. Don’t know where we could possibly have that from! 😄
No no, this is totally natural! lol

Thanks for the great comment DownHill. This whole discussion has much to think about.

Yeah, I don't get guys who do that, and it definitely pisses me off when they don't seem to understand how rude it is. I don't know if it's porn or just a lack of social awareness, but it's lame nonetheless.

I asked my Lady pointblank yesterday if she ever thought I did that in her presence. She said she never once thought I ogled women in front of her.

Possibly one of the greatest compliments she's ever given me.

We can all do better than this guys, we can all do better.


Active Member
Day 300! Ten months porn free.

I can't believe I'm actually here... As they say, what we've done once before we can do again, and today definitely proves that is true. We are all on different parts of this journey; for some of us getting to 3 days porn free is a gigantic achievement, for others 90 days is a great day. These are all momentous occasions and the only person we can and should compare ourselves to is the guy or gal standing proudly in the mirror. For me, getting to 90 days is something great but it is not hard to get to these day, nor does it feel beyond my reach, but 10 months, well, I've only done this once in my entire life.

It's funny, I write this today with joy in my heart but also a little sadness too. It's crazy to think I'm 39 and I've only gone 20 months completely porn free in the last 26 years of my life! Obviously my porn use back in the day was pretty "innocent" compared to what it was in my late 20s and 30s. I mean hell, back then you would click the download button then run off to watch an episode of Friends, hoping by the end of the show your ONE picture would have downloaded enough to get to the "good stuff" :cool:. It was a completely different world back then, and thank god for that! But you know what, if I've learned anything over this last while, is that I can handle the sadness and grief without running away - life really will be okay.

It's okay that I feel bad. Feeling bad makes me want to change all the more, and change is what us addicts need the most. We don't need "one more picture" or "just one more session then I'll quit" to fix things, because we know that road is a lonely road that leads to nowhere.

Are we not tired of that lonely road?

Thanks @GBS for your comment, that really meant a lot!

As far as monk mode goes, I don't think I've ever "officially" done that this whole 10 month streak, but I guess that depends on what you define as Monk mode. I haven't masturbated once, but I have been having sex with my girl all this time (with Os), which I don't personally see as a problem for my recovery. I did go a whole month without sex around the third month mark because my dick was softer than a freshly pressed noodle, but that was from a bad flatline. Then 2 months ago, I choose to go 30 days without an orgasm while still having sex, which was a great experience and one I'll probably seek out again real soon. I did see some benefits from that and it was nice to know I could control the hardest thing in the world for me to control, wanting to have an orgasm during sex. Lastly, I was on a trip by myself for over 2 weeks recently and I didn't MO as well.

I realize my situation is different than some on this forum, seeing that I'm still having sex with my girl while I also reboot. My girlfriend never saw porn as cheating as some couples do on RN, although my few sessions with camgirls last year definitely challenged that opinion a bit. Because of this however, our whole dynamic is different than others going through this very same thing. I was always truthful with her from the beginning of our relationship that I sometimes looked at porn, and often, we would even laugh about it. Four years ago, I was the one who asked her to keep me accountable because I wanted to quit (not for any moral reasons), but because I was wasting so much time and thought it was a childish thing for a grownup man to be engaging in. She agreed and has been my partner in crime ever since. :cool:

So is that monk mode? I don't really know, but whatever it is, it's working for me!

Best man, congrats on your success, you're really making some great progress. You are an inspiration to us all.

Thank you @Ezel. And God bless you brother!
Congratulations! That's a big achievement!


Respected Member
Day 304

I've been doing a lot reading on the other side of this forum recently, that is, the Partners of Rebooters and Addicts section. To be honest, it's heartbreaking and quite hard to read sometimes. I don't always agree with everything, mostly definitions, but I would strongly suggest everyone head over there and read these ladies' stories (mostly ladies) and get some idea of what kind of damage our addiction can cause someone else.

If you're a young man who's never had a relationship with a girl but you're struggling with porn - read these stories! They are practically a 101 course on what NOT to do in a relationship. Just think about the consequences of not getting your shit together and having to hide your problems from your girlfriend or wife and having yourself wind up in these situations. Trust me, you don't want to be here, thus, work on yourself like your life depends on it and you won't have to be. And if this forum isn't enough for you, go seek professional help - it's that important!

It's a morbid thought to write, but I often read these stories for inspiration to keep me keeping on. Yes, they inspire me more than the success stories!

I've thought a lot this week about why they make me feel uncomfortable and why they're hard to read. For one, who wants to read something sad and depressing? If you have any sense of empathy at all, I think most of us would have a hard time reading about people hurting and having to discover something bad that was hidden for a long time. Obviously this isn't easy reading.

Secondly, after a good bit of reading, I realized thankfully I haven't gone down this road nearly as bad as some; which on one hand makes me grateful, but on the other, makes me all the more cautions. No thanks, the buck stops here!

Thirdly, most of the stories feel that porn is cheating which I simply don't think it is. This can make the reading a little hard to understand because I can't wrap my head around the thought that just basic PMO (yes even for 30 years!) could be considered cheating. It's obviously a gigantic breach of trust, and saying it's not cheating does not take away from all the pain and suffering one must go though when one finds out the devastating truth. Obviously, some have gone on to actually cheat, but that's a different story. A story that can be forgiven and worked through as well - that is, if both partners are willing to.

But to each their own, I have my opinions, thus, they can have theirs.

We don't have to always agree on everything, but we can agree on what's important: FUCK PORN!

Anyways, get over there and read some stories. It's good to feel uncomfortable sometimes, because that means you might actually learn something and grow. But don't take my word for it. ;)

P.S. I understand that some of us have not told our partners about our addictions for understandable reasons. I get it, life's not perfect, and sometimes we have to do what we think is best.

Keep killing it everyone!


Active Member
@Blondie, congrats on your continued success! You continue to be a great inspiration.

Great input on the partners section as well. I have read some of this over just to see how it's viewed from the "other side", and it's nothing short of eye opening in most cases. I share your same thoughts on how it's viewed, but I can't really hold it against some of those partners for feeling that way. At the end of the day, there is one simple solution, and that's to kick the porn. Those views wouldn't really matter if that one factor was never there. We can't always fix the past, but we can all work on our present to better our futures.


Respected Member
I share your same thoughts on how it's viewed, but I can't really hold it against some of those partners for feeling that way. At the end of the day, there is one simple solution, and that's to kick the porn.
I love this.

That what's it's really about. We can have this or that opinion, but if it wasn't for porn, it wouldn't even matter!


Well-Known Member
Great points Blondie! I find that reading these stories is motivating as well, because I think about what kind of partner I want to be for someone in the future. What kind of man I want to be. I always saw honesty as an important thing, and I think through being honest with myself and to other people can I look at myself more critically and be a better person - not just for my own sake, but for the people around me.

As for watching porn being cheating, I see this as something that is up to each person and each couple. For some couples, having sex with other people isn't cheating as long as you have an understanding beforehand. On the opposite side you have couples where the understanding is that flirting with someone else is cheating. Or something like emotionally confiding in a different person while leaving your partner out of the loop. I have experienced this, and I can tell you if felt like cheating to me. Putting aside the emotional damage it caused, the reason it felt like cheating is this: she lied to me for months, and I will never know if it was sexual or not. I have to live the rest of my life wondering, because I don't feel like I can trust her anymore.

It's all about what you have agreed upon as a couple, and I think how porn becomes problematic in this regard is that it's often hidden from your partner. You may go on for years doing this in secret, while your partner may have an opinion that doing this would be incredibly painful and hurtful for them, to know that their partner is getting "sexual satisfaction" somewhere else. And maybe you haven't even talked about the subject. Maybe you never say anything because deep down, you know your partner would be deeply hurt if they found out. This is when it becomes cheating in my book, when you are getting a perceived benefit secretly, without letting your partner in on what you are doing. Leaving them out of the loop.

I'm reading "Brave New World" right not, where Huxley envisioned a society where people are basically grown in a lab, where the concepts of "mother" and "family" are seen as perverse and unnatural. People in this society can sleep with anyone they please, and because everyone is completely open about it, there can be no cheating. Obviously this is a dystopic vision of the future, but to illustrate how subjective the concept of cheating is, even in our society, I thought it would be useful.

Back to our world - what do you do if you've spend 10 years masturbating to porn, thinking it should be okay but sort of knowing that it's not, then finding out that your partner sees it as cheating? That's a tricky situation to be in, and I honestly don't know how any relationship can survive that without a lot of work.
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