Porn is not an option

Blondie

Respected Member
Good comment DownHill.

Yes, these are all good points. I think every couple should have their our own definition of what cheating is, which is why it's so important to have that figured out beforehand so no one gets hurt.

For my partner and I, right from the beginning, we always said any cheating done by us, that is defined as "dick in vagina or even kissing" would officially announce the end of our relationship. Both of us never thought twice about given any cheater a second chance - life's just too short. Porn was okay because she knew I looked at it once in a while and had no problem with it, thus it wasn't a secret, which is the main problem in general. However, camgirls for obviously reasons were never in that discussion, which is why shit hit the fan when I mentioned to her my six cam sessions spread over the course of a year. She had every reason to be hurt and pissed.

At first she thought it was cheating, but after the emotions cooled off, she didn't think so anymore. I didn't think it was cheating, but I definitely thought it was in the "gray zone", which was why I was so afraid to tell her, I knew I went beyond what we had agreed on.

Moral of the story is: get your shit together so you don't have to worry about this stuff in your future, and always have an agreement of what cheating is with your partner, and then most importantly, stick with it!
 
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downhillfromhere

Active Member
Yeah! You sound like you have great communication in your relationship, which is such a key ingredient to figuring this stuff out.

Even with those issues with the cam stuff, I think the fact that your gf is okay with porn and you're still here doing this for yourself really shows your character. I think that if we don't work on taking care of ourselves, then we're not going to make another person happy.

Glad you're here sharing your thoughts Blondie. :)
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 306

Thanks @downhillfromhere. Yes, our relationship is definitely better now and is even stronger than before, so that's good.

Glad you're here sharing your thoughts Blondie. :)
I'm glad you got something out of it.

I think my mind sees everything in black in white, especially definitions, so I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post.

Today should be pleasant, the lady and I are going for a hike.

Have a great porn-free weekend everyone!
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Day 304

I've been doing a lot reading on the other side of this forum recently, that is, the Partners of Rebooters and Addicts section. To be honest, it's heartbreaking and quite hard to read sometimes. I don't always agree with everything, mostly definitions, but I would strongly suggest everyone head over there and read these ladies' stories (mostly ladies) and get some idea of what kind of damage our addiction can cause someone else.

If you're a young man who's never had a relationship with a girl but you're struggling with porn - read these stories! They are practically a 101 course on what NOT to do in a relationship. Just think about the consequences of not getting your shit together and having to hide your problems from your girlfriend or wife and having yourself wind up in these situations. Trust me, you don't want to be here, thus, work on yourself like your life depends on it and you won't have to be. And if this forum isn't enough for you, go seek professional help - it's that important!

It's a morbid thought to write, but I often read these stories for inspiration to keep me keeping on. Yes, they inspire me more than the success stories!

I've thought a lot this week about why they make me feel uncomfortable and why they're hard to read. For one, who wants to read something sad and depressing? If you have any sense of empathy at all, I think most of us would have a hard time reading about people hurting and having to discover something bad that was hidden for a long time. Obviously this isn't easy reading.

Secondly, after a good bit of reading, I realized thankfully I haven't gone down this road nearly as bad as some; which on one hand makes me grateful, but on the other, makes me all the more cautions. No thanks, the buck stops here!

Thirdly, most of the stories feel that porn is cheating which I simply don't think it is. This can make the reading a little hard to understand because I can't wrap my head around the thought that just basic PMO (yes even for 30 years!) could be considered cheating. It's obviously a gigantic breach of trust, and saying it's not cheating does not take away from all the pain and suffering one must go though when one finds out the devastating truth. Obviously, some have gone on to actually cheat, but that's a different story. A story that can be forgiven and worked through as well - that is, if both partners are willing to.

But to each their own, I have my opinions, thus, they can have theirs.

We don't have to always agree on everything, but we can agree on what's important: FUCK PORN!

Anyways, get over there and read some stories. It's good to feel uncomfortable sometimes, because that means you might actually learn something and grow. But don't take my word for it. ;)

P.S. I understand that some of us have not told our partners about our addictions for understandable reasons. I get it, life's not perfect, and sometimes we have to do what we think is best.

Keep killing it everyone!
It's great that you're still seeking knowledge from every angle, even after the success you've attained. Always improving.

I think that the "cheating" side of porn isn't the porn itself, but in the behaviors of hiding it, or being untruthful about it. Crossing those boundaries that most partners have already set in place. It's not the act itself, but the deceit. Not including them, seeking pleasure elsewhere, keeping your struggles to yourself and not relying on your partner be there for you.

I felt for many years that I couldn't open up to my wife about a lot of things. When I was finally able to, it made all the difference. It was painful and awkward, but it was progress. And I haven't looked back.

Always appreciate your insight Blondie. Keep fighting
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 307

@Ezel: Thanks brother, god bless you.

@Onmyway19: Thanks Onmyway, I appreciate it. Yes, I've definitely learned a good bit over the last week about all of this and I'm trying to see it from everyone's perspective.
I felt for many years that I couldn't open up to my wife about a lot of things. When I was finally able to, it made all the difference. It was painful and awkward, but it was progress. And I haven't looked back.
This. I totally agree with.

When I finally opened up to her, it was devastating, but also beautiful in a way. It really is a trust issue and just to get it out in the open made all the difference in the world.

Thanks Onmyway, It's always a pleasure when you stop by!

@GeminiMan: Keep on killing it man!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 308

Been having some random thoughts pop in my head over the last 24 hours, some porn scenes etc. Haven't been tempted to look per se, but they are there none the less and are somewhat surprisingly strong. Obviously these manifestations have extremely lessened over the course of this streak, but they do show their ugly face once in a while. I've also been having another cycle of remembering my dreams again, which correlates with these random porn thoughts - funny enough, I never remember my dreams when watching porn...

There is no magic number to getting over this shit.

There's just tomorrow, then the next day, and the next day, until one day it will be gone forever.

If you've been clean for a few months and think it might be safe to "just have a little look" I hope this post will convince you otherwise.

Clean is clean and shit is shit, never confuse the two.

Best everyone.
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Day 308

Been having some random thoughts pop in my head over the last 24 hours, some porn scenes etc. Haven't been tempted to look per se, but they are there none the less and are somewhat surprisingly strong. Obviously these manifestations have extremely lessened over the course of this streak, but they do show their ugly face once in a while. I've also been having another cycle of remembering my dreams again, which correlates with these random porn thoughts - funny enough, I never remember my dreams when watching porn...

There is no magic number to getting over this shit.

There's just tomorrow, then the next day, and the next day, until one day it will be gone forever.

If you've been clean for a few months and think it might be safe to "just have a little look" I hope this post will convince you otherwise.

Clean is clean and shit is shit, never confuse the two.

Best everyone.
Couple days back I had a dream that I logged onto chatrooms and chatted filthy trying to MO!
Thank god it was just a dream .. sigh

It seems weird that this thing happens to people on their 7th day and also to someone in their #308th day!

it might mean that we are in here for a very long battle of lifetime !
Nowhere close to your feat @Blondie
You’re the Man! :)

but I promise I will hit all those spots you’re hitting ! :)
 

Blondie

Respected Member
It seems weird that this thing happens to people on their 7th day and also to someone in their #308th day!

it might mean that we are in here for a very long battle of lifetime !
This is true!

I do have to say though, that it's pretty rare for me these days to have random thoughts like that, which is why when it happens, it really sticks out and is all the more noticeable.

I completely believe a full recovery is available to us all, but it will take work, and yes, to some extent, a lifetime of work.

However, I've come to the conclusion that putting in the work is just fine by me, having no life is not!

Great job on 7 days clean! :)
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
Great points, Blondie, as usual!

I'll catch myself, whether on my walk or randomly at the store, playing out a full on fantasy in my mind over some lovely lady I saw...! I'll be like, "Why are you going into fantasy-land over this?" Then I'll assess my emotional states prior, and sometimes the brain is looking for a dopamine hit, or at other times, there's no obvious link...

There is no magic number to getting over this shit.

There's just tomorrow, then the next day, and the next day, until one day it will be gone forever.

This is so true... I used to buy into a magical number, in a sense, that if I reached X days, I'll reach some kind of euphoric promised land, or something, and I'd magically be free... This hasn't been the case for me, where after short and lengthier streaks I've lapsed- hard. But what is true is that the longer the streaks the better chance of desensitizing old neural pathways, and changing your habits to where the old patterned behaviors are unrecognizable or totally changed. I've seen this happen to me for the better over the decades (yes, decades).

@SmokenMirrors You said,

Never, never, never 'just have a look'! DANGEROUS shit!

This is so true! One exposure is like taking a hit of cocaine, and oftentimes as addicting... This is another reason why lengthier streaks are ideal, because the neurochemical (DeltaFos B) involved in porn exposure dissipates after 56 days of abstinence.

P.S. @Blondie Cool profile pic, keep giving 'Angel Eyes' hell!
 
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IamTrying

Member
Day 307

@Ezel: Thanks brother, god bless you.

@Onmyway19: Thanks Onmyway, I appreciate it. Yes, I've definitely learned a good bit over the last week about all of this and I'm trying to see it from everyone's perspective.

This. I totally agree with.

When I finally opened up to her, it was devastating, but also beautiful in a way. It really is a trust issue and just to get it out in the open made all the difference in the world.

Thanks Onmyway, It's always a pleasure when you stop by!

@GeminiMan: Keep on killing it man!
Very good point. I had the thought "just have a peek" recently as well. It is dangerous.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thank you everyone @downhillfromhere, @GeminiMan, @SmokenMirrors, and @IamTrying for your thoughts and comments yesterday.

@Phineas 808:
I'll catch myself, whether on my walk or randomly at the store, playing out a full on fantasy in my mind over some lovely lady I saw...! I'll be like, "Why are you going into fantasy-land over this?" Then I'll assess my emotional states prior, and sometimes the brain is looking for a dopamine hit, or at other times, there's no obvious link...
This is good. Yes, sometimes it's random, and sometimes there's a reason, but either way, just noticing it and recognizing it seems to be helping me. And as you always say, it's good to not immediately judge yourself or "your thoughts" but just recognize them and move on with your day.

P.S. @Blondie Cool profile pic, keep giving 'Angel Eyes' hell!
This made me laugh! Thanks! :cool:
 
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