Porn is not an option
- Thread starter Blondie
- Start date
Ingibjörg
Member
Hey @Ingibjörg! I like the name! Google says it means, the help of Ing. I know what Ing means, but I don't know if Google did a good job with the translation or not
That's a good question. I started to relapse every 3 or 4 months because I just become complacent and lazy really. Before I got into that rut of every 3 or 4 months, I had had a great streak of 530 something days or so, but, then my life went to shit, I was stuck in a job I hated, and I wasn't doing what I knew I should have been doing with my life, thus, I got depressed and mad at myself and blew it and went back to the filth I hated so much. However, because I had obviously went that long without it, I had proven to myself I really didn't need it anymore (in any sense at all), thus, going 3 to 4 months afterwards was not really something hard to do. Nevertheless, I was still lazy and just didn't give it my all like I had done before, almost like I was too scared to "fail" or something. Pretty lame right?
But a year ago, I got my ass in gear (also found this great community!) and I've been clean since and now I'm pushing for a year and a half clean, which is my longest record yet, then hopefully, on to two years and beyond!
Lessons learned for myself
Best to you, this is a great place!
- Always give your best in everything you do in life, or, just don't even try
- Relapsing does not make one a "failure". You're only a failure if you think you are.
- Although it's great to count streaks, what really matters is not the few days you slip up, but all the days in between. I believe over the last four and half years, I've been clean except 30 days (more or less). This is what matters in the end, not the few days of "failures". I'm a different man indeed!
- Staying away from porn is great, but after a while, you need to start asking yourself, why do I go to it in the first place? Find your answers and reasons, and then start working on some goals in life that will keep you busy and becoming the best version of yourself. Quite frankly, we all have way too much time on our hands these days. As they say, idle hands make sweaty palms!
Blondie
Thanks for your reply! I always get inspired reading from someone who abstained for so long.
Great explanation and insights here.
keep doing your thing, you can be proud of yourself.
Blondie
Respected Member
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Almost 400 days my man! Hit the 2 year mark and never look back
I know you mentioned you relapsed at some point before because life was not going in a way you liked -- perhaps the solution is to find other really enjoyable activities you can turn to when life inevitably throws us for a loop? Your statement brought me to this realization, seems we need to find other substituting activities that bring us joy. Exercise can be one (if we enjoy it vs dislike it), reading books, playing some video games (in moderation), hanging out with friends & fam or talking with them over the phone, etc. Any thoughts from your end man on how you & folks who are 6+ months or 1yr+ in can stay clean forever and live their best life?
I know you mentioned you relapsed at some point before because life was not going in a way you liked -- perhaps the solution is to find other really enjoyable activities you can turn to when life inevitably throws us for a loop? Your statement brought me to this realization, seems we need to find other substituting activities that bring us joy. Exercise can be one (if we enjoy it vs dislike it), reading books, playing some video games (in moderation), hanging out with friends & fam or talking with them over the phone, etc. Any thoughts from your end man on how you & folks who are 6+ months or 1yr+ in can stay clean forever and live their best life?
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
I hear the sound of crushing, Blondie! Keep it up, you’re a legend and still helping the rest of us as you go. 
You are appreciated!
You are appreciated!
Blondie
Respected Member
Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles, I'm really getting excited for 400 days!
That's a good question. That's something I've been thinking about a lot recently, and I'm definitely still refining it. I think the biggest thing for us, is to have things in our lives (as you mentioned) that our valuable to us, and more importantly, to have many of them. For example (I thought about this yesterday when @SmokenMirrors mentioned he had a small injury), the first time I looked at a cam girl and broke one of my 4 month streaks, I had just pulled some muscle or whatever and was 'depressed'. Thus, I childishly ran off to make myself feel good for a few moments and broke my streak. What I remember so vividly about the whole thing though, was that for whatever reason, this "pulled muscle" was okay within TWO FUCKING DAYS!
All I could think about, was, "Why oh why did I do that and break my streak? All I had to do was man up and wait two days!" But I digress, my point is, at that time, I was still uncertain about going back to school, my job was still shit, and I felt "stuck" in everything in my life (I was also 37 which didn't help), thus, the only thing I was getting value from was working out and getting in shape. Therefore, when that went to hell and a handbasket, my whole world felt like it collapsed right in front of me, and now you know the end of that story.
My point is, it's very important for us to have many things going on in our lives they we can derive value from, because, life being life, it's bound to go to shit once in a while, and that's when you definitely need to have something else to fall back on. For example, this year has been a hell of a year for my girlfriend and I: cars breaking down, she got really sick, I injured myself again, I got Covid in that foreign country during the summer, thus, losing everything I had worked for etc. However, because I was working on more goals than just one, I can say for the first time, I navigated my way through it all and never relapsed! This is big for me, and I sometimes smile just thinking about it. But the key to my success was I found more things to derive my value from than just one thing. Thus, no matter what the gods might throw at me, I can hopefully now focus my attention on something else for the time being.
Lessons learned from this:
That's a good question. That's something I've been thinking about a lot recently, and I'm definitely still refining it. I think the biggest thing for us, is to have things in our lives (as you mentioned) that our valuable to us, and more importantly, to have many of them. For example (I thought about this yesterday when @SmokenMirrors mentioned he had a small injury), the first time I looked at a cam girl and broke one of my 4 month streaks, I had just pulled some muscle or whatever and was 'depressed'. Thus, I childishly ran off to make myself feel good for a few moments and broke my streak. What I remember so vividly about the whole thing though, was that for whatever reason, this "pulled muscle" was okay within TWO FUCKING DAYS!
All I could think about, was, "Why oh why did I do that and break my streak? All I had to do was man up and wait two days!" But I digress, my point is, at that time, I was still uncertain about going back to school, my job was still shit, and I felt "stuck" in everything in my life (I was also 37 which didn't help), thus, the only thing I was getting value from was working out and getting in shape. Therefore, when that went to hell and a handbasket, my whole world felt like it collapsed right in front of me, and now you know the end of that story.My point is, it's very important for us to have many things going on in our lives they we can derive value from, because, life being life, it's bound to go to shit once in a while, and that's when you definitely need to have something else to fall back on. For example, this year has been a hell of a year for my girlfriend and I: cars breaking down, she got really sick, I injured myself again, I got Covid in that foreign country during the summer, thus, losing everything I had worked for etc. However, because I was working on more goals than just one, I can say for the first time, I navigated my way through it all and never relapsed! This is big for me, and I sometimes smile just thinking about it. But the key to my success was I found more things to derive my value from than just one thing. Thus, no matter what the gods might throw at me, I can hopefully now focus my attention on something else for the time being.
Lessons learned from this:
- Diversify you value portfolio, find meaning in many aspects of your life; your friends, family, career, working out, religion etc.
- If life throws a curve ball at one of your cherished values, throw one back and give all of your attention to the others. Trust me, things WILL find equilibrium again. Sometimes within two days!
- Never go to cam sites, not only will it kill your soul, but those ladies most definitely can't fix your problems. And to be honest, neither can your girlfriend or wife, only YOU can fix them. Women give us men the inspiration to fix ourselves and to be our best selves (in real life!), and may us never stop thanking them for that!
Thanks @downhillfromhere, that means a lot! Same to you, you're almost at day 90!I hear the sound of crushing, Blondie! Keep it up, you’re a legend and still helping the rest of us as you go.
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Great response here man, love the insight on having multiple goals at once. Not every cylinder can fire at the same time all the time, makes total senseThanks @First_step_thousand_miles, I'm really getting excited for 400 days!
That's a good question. That's something I've been thinking about a lot recently, and I'm definitely still refining it. I think the biggest thing for us, is to have things in our lives (as you mentioned) that our valuable to us, and more importantly, to have many of them. For example (I thought about this yesterday when @SmokenMirrors mentioned he had a small injury), the first time I looked at a cam girl and broke one of my 4 month streaks, I had just pulled some muscle or whatever and was 'depressed'. Thus, I childishly ran off to make myself feel good for a few moments and broke my streak. What I remember so vividly about the whole thing though, was that for whatever reason, this "pulled muscle" was okay within TWO FUCKING DAYS!
My point is, it's very important for us to have many things going on in our lives they we can derive value from, because, life being life, it's bound to go to shit once in a while, and that's when you definitely need to have something else to fall back on. For example, this year has been a hell of a year for my girlfriend and I: cars breaking down, she got really sick, I injured myself again, I got Covid in that foreign country during the summer, thus, losing everything I had worked for etc. However, because I was working on more goals than just one, I can say for the first time, I navigated my way through it all and never relapsed! This is big for me, and I sometimes smile just thinking about it. But the key to my success was I found more things to derive my value from than just one thing. Thus, no matter what the gods might throw at me, I can hopefully now focus my attention on something else for the time being.
Lessons learned from this:
Keep fighting man, and find those values in your life!
- Diversify you value portfolio, find meaning in many aspects of your life; your friends, family, career, working out, religion etc.
- If life throws a curve ball at one of your cherished values, throw one back and give all of your attention to the others. Trust me, things WILL find equilibrium again. Sometimes within two days!
- Never go to cam sites, not only will it kill your soul, but those ladies most definitely can't fix your problems. And to be honest, neither can your girlfriend or wife, only YOU can fix them. Women give us men the inspiration to fix ourselves and to be our best selves (in real life!), and may us never stop thanking them for that!
Thanks @downhillfromhere, that means a lot! Same to you, you're almost at day 90!
I love this, gives me food for thought about how to turn that desire to see beauty, or sexy women, as inspiration rather than deluding myself into thinking its some kind of solution or fix. BTW I don't mean look at sexy images to get inspired! More it makes me think of trying to channel that desire into fuel to change and grow. And yes be grateful to them for that power too, very insightful
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 388
On the other side, the positive side to this pertinent question, is the fact that women have the ability to utterly inspire us men to do the greatest deeds in our lives. The best ones know they have this power and use it for good, the worse know it as well, and they use it to destroy men's lives. That's why when a man has a crush on someone, suddenly he finds himself doing things he would never dream of doing, improving himself, etc., all because of the hopes of attracting that girl he dreams of. This is in our biology, and it's to be embraced and cherished. However, this attention and love shouldn't be given out to every girl with a pair of nice tits and ass, but only to one who is worthy of it. This is why porn is an absolute devastation for us men, because it's trains us to waste our literal seed and attention on women who will NEVER give us anything back in return.
My god, could there be anything worse than that? Our time on this earth is limited, don't we have anything better to do, than to waste our precious seed away into a Kleenex?
Our sexual energy is our greatest gift to the world, it literally has the power to give life, why would we waste that energy on nothing?
Men should build empires, not digital harems.
That's a good way of saying it, I like that. Hopefully I answered your question.
Yes that's how I've always seen it @Nico, and I think if most guys were being honest, they would say the same. That's why getting off to porn is the worse thing a guy can do (even beyond the addiction part) because it trains us guys to think going to "women" can fix our problems. If we do this enough online (porn, Instagram etc.), well, it starts to bleed out into our actions offline as well, where you have guys doing the most insane shit to get a girl's attention. Unfortunately, this happens in relationships as well, where men will put up with the most disrespectful comments and actions from their wives or partners, because women hold the keys to sex, and he needs sex like he needs food, and SHE knows it. This neediness has always been there, but it has grown exponentially over the last few decades, and I'm sure porn has helped tremendously in this manner. Obviously, not all women do this, but many of them do, call it relationship power dynamics; however, if men would not be so thirsty for sex and actually stood up for themselves and have boundaries (as women should also have boundaries) they would probably get fucked more from them wives. No man should ever want a pity fuck. And no woman should ever give one.I love this, gives me food for thought about how to turn that desire to see beauty, or sexy women, as inspiration rather than deluding myself into thinking its some kind of solution or fix. BTW I don't mean look at sexy images to get inspired! More it makes me think of trying to channel that desire into fuel to change and grow. And yes be grateful to them for that power too, very insightful
On the other side, the positive side to this pertinent question, is the fact that women have the ability to utterly inspire us men to do the greatest deeds in our lives. The best ones know they have this power and use it for good, the worse know it as well, and they use it to destroy men's lives. That's why when a man has a crush on someone, suddenly he finds himself doing things he would never dream of doing, improving himself, etc., all because of the hopes of attracting that girl he dreams of. This is in our biology, and it's to be embraced and cherished. However, this attention and love shouldn't be given out to every girl with a pair of nice tits and ass, but only to one who is worthy of it. This is why porn is an absolute devastation for us men, because it's trains us to waste our literal seed and attention on women who will NEVER give us anything back in return.
My god, could there be anything worse than that? Our time on this earth is limited, don't we have anything better to do, than to waste our precious seed away into a Kleenex?
Our sexual energy is our greatest gift to the world, it literally has the power to give life, why would we waste that energy on nothing?
Men should build empires, not digital harems.
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Love that last line!
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 389
@First_step_thousand_miles: thanks man, maybe I should write for 80s action movies? lol I was born in the wrong time!
@GBS: Thanks brother. Yes this piece was mine. Like all my all stuff, it's my thoughts after probably reading thousands of hours worth of articles and books about all these subjects over the years, and of course, my observations as well. I'm fascinated by these subjects.
@First_step_thousand_miles: thanks man, maybe I should write for 80s action movies? lol I was born in the wrong time!
@GBS: Thanks brother. Yes this piece was mine. Like all my all stuff, it's my thoughts after probably reading thousands of hours worth of articles and books about all these subjects over the years, and of course, my observations as well. I'm fascinated by these subjects.
lol hang in there, I'm thinking of you guys. Best.I mean it. I shall continue to withhold sex from my wife and see how she ends up being all over me.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 390
Today marks 13 months porn-free, which is pretty cool, although 400 will look cooler. The last two weeks have been quite stressful, with school exams, midterms and just life in general, but I managed my emotional state for the most part and haven't given porn a second thought. Life is good on this side of the fence, and I intend to keep it that way.
Let's all stay clean this weekend folks. Although it might look enticing, it will absolutely destroy you in the end.
Porn, death by a thousand mouse clicks.
Today marks 13 months porn-free, which is pretty cool, although 400 will look cooler.
The last two weeks have been quite stressful, with school exams, midterms and just life in general, but I managed my emotional state for the most part and haven't given porn a second thought. Life is good on this side of the fence, and I intend to keep it that way.Let's all stay clean this weekend folks. Although it might look enticing, it will absolutely destroy you in the end.
Porn, death by a thousand mouse clicks.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Sounds good Blondie! Congratulations on 13 months!
SmokenMirrors
Well-Known Member
I love this, I'm gonna post it on my thread
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
You're a fantastic writer man, you better publish at least 1 book at some point haha
Blondie
Respected Member
Thanks @downhillfromhere.
Thanks @SmokenMirrors! lol that's great.
@First_step_thousand_miles, thanks man, that made my day man. I really should!
Thanks @SmokenMirrors! lol that's great.
@First_step_thousand_miles, thanks man, that made my day man. I really should!
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 391
I wrote this last summer in regards to relapsing and the lies we tell ourselves when in the moment. Furthermore, since it's hard to get a real measurement on the damage a porn relapse does to our brains, I used a diet analogy to visualize it. Not all relapses are created equal, and sometimes, out of our shame and guilt, we just keep digging a hole for ourselves deeper and deeper instead of just quitting while we're still ahead. I hope this might help some of you, when you're in the heat of the moment.
What Does a Porn Relapse do to our Brains?
When we relapse, It's like porn bitch-slaps us and we fall to the ground. Then feeling low and depressed about our situation, we voluntarily grab a shovel and start to dig a hole under our own two feet to feel even lower and more depressed about ourselves - ground level is just not low enough for us it seems.
Seeing this pattern over the last year in regards to my food habits has really clarified that this isn't a "porn problem" per se but just a mental pattern I need to be cognizant of. Further, with food it's also easier to quantify what a "relapse" looks like and the damage it can cause you when you can look at the scale the next day and see for yourself, whereas with porn, the damage is a little harder to quantify.
For example, it makes no logical sense to say you were planning on eating two cookies, but then, after you eat four cookies, you get pissed about yourself and say "Fuck it, I've alreadly screwed up, so now I'll eat the whole bag (12 cookies!). If we break it down into calories it looks like this.
My fun snack for my cheat day = 2 cookies = 284 calories.
This isn't too bad, a little fun but nothing that will destroy my weight-loss goals.
My fuck up on my cheat day = 2 extra cookies = 568 calories.
This makes me feel bad about myself but I'm still in control and could stop. However, if I let my emotions get to me and I turn off the rational side of my brain, my rationalization will be "Well, I've alreadly fucked up now so I'm going to go all the way! What difference does it make?"
Well let me tell you, the difference is a hell of a difference!
My fuck up with a whole bag of cookies = 1704 calories!
As you can clearly see now, this is no "What difference does it make" type of mistake. This is your brain clearly and completely lying to you and you need to gently tell it to shut the the fuck up. It will take you weeks to recovery from this mistake, whereas before with four cookies, it would have been only a little blip on your diet radar.
So how does this relate to porn?
Let's think of things this way...
Here is a relapse calorie chart
Porn substitutes (bikinis, yoga pants, Instagram pictures etc.) but with no masturbation = 142 calories
Porn substitutes but with masturbation = 284 calories
Searching for porn and viewing a picture/video for a minute = 568 calories = it's time to turn that shit off son.
Viewing porn for 10 minutes = 1136 calories = Looks like we have a foody here!
Saying fuck it "What difference does it make" = 1704 calories! Send in the army and bring in a crane!
As this chart clearly and rationally points out, not all fuck ups are the same at the end of the day.
So next time ladies and gentlemen, when your mind tries to lie to you and says "What difference does it make", please refer to this porn calorie chart so you know better.
And if you find yourself with shovel in hand digging a pit, it's time to throw down the shovel and get out of your own self-created sorrow.
Not all pits are created equal.
I wrote this last summer in regards to relapsing and the lies we tell ourselves when in the moment. Furthermore, since it's hard to get a real measurement on the damage a porn relapse does to our brains, I used a diet analogy to visualize it. Not all relapses are created equal, and sometimes, out of our shame and guilt, we just keep digging a hole for ourselves deeper and deeper instead of just quitting while we're still ahead. I hope this might help some of you, when you're in the heat of the moment.
What Does a Porn Relapse do to our Brains?
When we relapse, It's like porn bitch-slaps us and we fall to the ground. Then feeling low and depressed about our situation, we voluntarily grab a shovel and start to dig a hole under our own two feet to feel even lower and more depressed about ourselves - ground level is just not low enough for us it seems.
Seeing this pattern over the last year in regards to my food habits has really clarified that this isn't a "porn problem" per se but just a mental pattern I need to be cognizant of. Further, with food it's also easier to quantify what a "relapse" looks like and the damage it can cause you when you can look at the scale the next day and see for yourself, whereas with porn, the damage is a little harder to quantify.
For example, it makes no logical sense to say you were planning on eating two cookies, but then, after you eat four cookies, you get pissed about yourself and say "Fuck it, I've alreadly screwed up, so now I'll eat the whole bag (12 cookies!). If we break it down into calories it looks like this.
My fun snack for my cheat day = 2 cookies = 284 calories.
This isn't too bad, a little fun but nothing that will destroy my weight-loss goals.
My fuck up on my cheat day = 2 extra cookies = 568 calories.
This makes me feel bad about myself but I'm still in control and could stop. However, if I let my emotions get to me and I turn off the rational side of my brain, my rationalization will be "Well, I've alreadly fucked up now so I'm going to go all the way! What difference does it make?"
Well let me tell you, the difference is a hell of a difference!
My fuck up with a whole bag of cookies = 1704 calories!
As you can clearly see now, this is no "What difference does it make" type of mistake. This is your brain clearly and completely lying to you and you need to gently tell it to shut the the fuck up. It will take you weeks to recovery from this mistake, whereas before with four cookies, it would have been only a little blip on your diet radar.
So how does this relate to porn?
Let's think of things this way...
Here is a relapse calorie chart
Porn substitutes (bikinis, yoga pants, Instagram pictures etc.) but with no masturbation = 142 calories
Porn substitutes but with masturbation = 284 calories
Searching for porn and viewing a picture/video for a minute = 568 calories = it's time to turn that shit off son.
Viewing porn for 10 minutes = 1136 calories = Looks like we have a foody here!
Saying fuck it "What difference does it make" = 1704 calories! Send in the army and bring in a crane!
As this chart clearly and rationally points out, not all fuck ups are the same at the end of the day.
So next time ladies and gentlemen, when your mind tries to lie to you and says "What difference does it make", please refer to this porn calorie chart so you know better.
And if you find yourself with shovel in hand digging a pit, it's time to throw down the shovel and get out of your own self-created sorrow.
Not all pits are created equal.
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