Porn is not an option

Blondie

Respected Member
I wrote this as a response to @My husband is an addict's good question about why us men like younger women, or even, 18 year old porn stars. I don't write much these days, busy with school, but I felt like writing something this morning, especially about such a fascinating subject. I love this stuff!

Feel free to disagree, that's even more fun.

Why do men like younger women? Well, that is an age-old question that must be answered with an age-old view of things and the world in particular.

Us men like younger women (18 year old teenagers in this particular question), because they're fertile and can have babies. This is literally the truth, and a truth no one ever dare mention these days, but a truth nonetheless. It's simply a biological fact, and I would presume a fact that goes often unconscious in men's thoughts when they appreciate "youthful beauty", but it's there nevertheless. Young women can have babies, period, women past forty cannot, thus, us men are attracted to younger women differently than we are to older women. Different doesn't necessarily mean better, but it is different. This in its essence isn't a "patriarchal" fact, nor necessarily a "misogynistic" fact - though I don't deny misogyny can play a role - it is just a fact of biology. And just as nature provided the different sexes of the animal kingdom with ways to attract the opposite sex (beautiful feathers, exotic tails and wonderful mating calls, etc.), well, nature or God, has done the same for us humans, making females more attractive in their younger years (that is, fertile years) to attract that special male for security and resources. In in the olden days, security was everything, especially for women.

Obviously, this doesn't mean women aren't beautiful after 40, or, that women's only worth to society is their youthful beauty, but it does mean, that youthful beauty will not last forever, and anyone (man or woman) who acts and thinks they're just as hot in their forties or fifties as they were in their twenties is living in a total delusion. Brad Pitt might be sexy for a fifty something year old man, but notice how it's described, "Sexy FOR a fifty something man", it's acknowledged he's not in his prime anymore. Women would do well to understand that after forty they're NOT in the prime anymore either, at least not to us men in a biological sense. We might find you attractive, beautiful and smart (and a good man will!) but it's a different kind of attraction than the pure raw sexual attraction of someone in their 20s. I don't say any of these hard facts to excuse men for porn, cheating, or disrespectfully looking at women in public, I'm just stating the facts as I see them.

All men, ages 20 to 80, will always love and appreciate younger women, and if they deny this, they're probably just lying to you.

But now I will now address your question about your husband looking at 18 year old porn models and why this doesn't make sense to you. Besides what I just wrote above, there is another aspect that might help you understand us men and why we are the way we are. For most of history, both men and women married at an extremely young age (often 12 or 13!) and this has been the practice right up till modern times, as in the last 100 to 200 hundred years! This concept for us moderns is really hard for us to grasp, and we have a real hard time wrapping our minds around it. However, the fact remains, women were often married when they were in the teens (sometimes to much older men who would have had the resources to protect them) and this is how it was for almost all cultures around the world. Life was cheep, death was everywhere, thus, we needed you women to start making babies as soon as physically possible. Interestingly, even the whole idea of "teenager" is a new concept that didn't even exist until recently. Thus, not too long ago: you were a baby, then a child, then somewhere around 12 or 14 you became a man or woman. The Romans thought by 40 a man was old, almost a senior! This in-between period is simply a modern invention.

Thus, this basic attraction, yes, even for teenagers, is understandable in a basic evolutionary/biological sense. And if you're religious, well the Bible never disapproved of it either; there are many stories of teenagers getting married in the Bible, apparently, not even God had a problem with this custom! So even though modern laws and customs have changed when it comes to this matter (something I think is good), it must be understood, a 100 years of new legalities won't change millions of years of ancient biological formalities. Nature simply doesn't work that way, nor nearly that fast. Thus, although it's true, good men won't do anything illegal with teenagers (I sure as hell won't!), the idea that we wouldn't be attracted to them, at least in a physical sense, is only something the modern world would deem ridiculous or "perverted". I say all of this to say, I'm certainly not walking around checking out young teenagers or anything, please don't misunderstand me, all I'm saying is this: all of these things are modern ideas and concepts, and our biology has simply not caught up to it, that's all.

As far as you saying (along with many other women lol) that these "young porn girls" could practically be our daughters, I will simply say this, I've never understood this concept. I always laugh whenever a woman says this, because it makes no sense to me. It's like you're trying to accuse us men of incest or something, when none is to be found! These 18 year old "girls" are not our daughters, and in fact, legally, they're not even girls, they're adults. Society has proclaimed that these "girls" are old and mature enough to die for their country, drive a tank for their country, and yes, even vote in the next insane election. I'm not making fun of you ladies for saying things like this, but it is funny, and you can't possible think I can take it seriously. :cool: If an eighteen year old women can vote and fight in the army, then they are not children, they're adults, and us men (as long as it's consensual), can date them and be attracted to them. They may not be as "mature" as an older woman, but their not children, and if they are, then they certainly shouldn't be allowed to vote or die for their country. You women may not like this fact, but trust me, you women do many things as men don't like and cannot change! Nature as it seems, has the last laugh.

The reason porn is such a travesty to us men, is that it "gives" us the illusion that we really are with these young women, women that no ordinary 60 year old, 40 year old, or even 20 year old male could ever be with, thus, it's a total fantasy and not a reality. Most normal 40 year old men couldn't cheat on their wife with an 18 year old, but in porn, that Is a total possibility. Unless a man has the looks, status and fame of a George Clooney or Leonardo DiCaprio, this is simply not a reality for probably 99% of men. Most men are utterly average, thus, if they cheat (and many don't even have that option!), it would never be with an eighteen year old hottie! But porn makes these harsh truths turn into dust, as least momentarily. Fun fact, it's estimated that over the last 2000 years, 30% of men never even had a chance to reproduce. Why? Because women didn't find their looser seed worthy of having babies with them. A harsh truth, but a truth nonetheless. Women want the best man they can tie down, and us men, well, at least for 99% of us, will take whatever we can get.

Porn is a poor man's version of being a King or a celebrity.

Nevertheless, a good man will love you, no matter your age, and just because he's attracted to young women, doesn't mean he's not attracted to you either. Trust me, I speak from experience! Also, the question might be asked, does porn warp this natural instinct in us men? Absolutely, and I know for myself, my world is many times less sexualized after getting off of it. Further, I appreciate all women much more, older and younger, and find them infinitely more amazing. You ladies really are the greatest thing.

Hopefully, I've explained why men are they way we are, at least how I see it. However, none of this gives us men any excuses to cheat, lie, or look at porn (Or, do illegal things with teenagers!) I'm only explaining it from a perspective of biology, which I think is very helpful in understanding the sexes and the differences between them. Obviously, this is a very essentialist view of biology and is at odds with modern ideas that sex and gender are two entirely different things. While I do agree that gender is somewhat of a cultural concept, and that it changes with time and different cultural expectations, in the end though, biology/God will always have a big say in the ways we act and behave with each other, especially when it comes to these matters!
 
Last edited:

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 406

I'm not going to lie, I've actually been tempted these last few days to look at porn. I haven't, but the urge has been there all the same, the biggest urge I've had since I started this streak a year ago. Nothing crazy or anything, but probably 3/10 on the scale of urges. I'm stressed with school, stressed thinking about what I'm going to do after school, and just stressed about some of the life decisions I'm going to need to make soon. Damn it sucks, you would think after a full year, those unused pathways would be mostly dead and gone, but here I am, still feeling that slight call to indulge for a moment and forget about all my worries for a few hours.

Un-fucking-believable!

Who am I kidding, I've been here before, and I blew it after 500 something days. I know better than this, or at least I should - it's an illusion to think or believe I'm out of the forest just yet.

They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Fuck, I hate that saying. It should be, what doesn't kill us now will just wait it out a little longer.

Dear porn, please go fuck yourself.
 
Last edited:

swimmer97

Member
Day 406

I'm not going to lie, I've actually been tempted these last few days to look at porn. I haven't, but the urge has been there all the same, the biggest urge I've had since I started this streak a year ago. Nothing crazy or anything, but probably 3/10 on the scale of urges. I'm stressed with school, stressed thinking about what I'm going to do after school, and just stressed about some of the life decisions I'm going to need to make soon. Damn it sucks, you would think after a full year, those unused pathways would be mostly dead and gone, but here I am, still feeling that slight call to indulge for a moment and forget about all my worries for a few hours.

Un-fucking-believable!

Who am I kidding, I've been here before, and I blew it after 500 something days. I know better than this, or at least I should - it's an illusion to think or believe I'm out of the forest just yet.

They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Fuck, I hate that saying. It should be, what doesn't kill us now will just wait it out a little longer.

Dear porn, please go fuck yourself.
First of all gratz on the big win here.

I feel you. i have been there. Especially in times were we weel bad, our brain wants to badly seek for any type of feeling good and remembers that there was this one thing that could give us short term gratisfaction.

Our brain never forgets what gave us a high. Our brain doesnt know the difference between good rewards like real sex, real achievement or bad rewards that hijack our brains like cocaine, heroin or porn. thats the reason why your porn pathway can fall asleep but it will always be there.

Your brain is blind and wants you to feel good but it doesnt know difference between what is good and what is bad reward. Only your rational decision making brain area knows.

Keep killing it!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Brother @Blondie , congratulations on the candour and honesty. You are human. In an odd way it is encouraging because we all know complacency is one of the devil’s top mates. He loves it when we take our eye off the ball. So I like it because the devil can fuck right off, and some days we forget to be wary of how sneaky he can be (the devil is a he I presume?🤷), but we will NOT give in.

Never. Not ever.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I get what you’re feeling, we can never become complacent and think we have won. I really think this is something that has to be committed to for life, but thankfully the more days you have free from porn the easier it gets to stay away. We develop tools to use, and we know what to do when the urges hit. But yeah, it’s crazy that they still hit you after such a long time. Keep doing what you’re doing, you are winning this fight!
 

SimonM

Active Member
There is a multibillion dollar industry out there that has figured out exactly how to attract and entrap men all around the world. It is designed to appeal to our most base instincts. So, we may always feel that draw to some degree - because this monster has been designed for it by this industry. Plus, we've been to the well and have drunk the poison. We know how it destroys us yes, but we also know the euphoria it promises and delivers for the price of our souls. Men have sold their souls for this since the dawn of consciousness I am sure. Just read some Greek tragedies lol.

So, don't be mad at yourself for still feeling the attraction. Just be mindful of it and let if flow off of you. At least that's what I'd like to do...
 
Day 406

I'm not going to lie, I've actually been tempted these last few days to look at porn. I haven't, but the urge has been there all the same, the biggest urge I've had since I started this streak a year ago. Nothing crazy or anything, but probably 3/10 on the scale of urges. I'm stressed with school, stressed thinking about what I'm going to do after school, and just stressed about some of the life decisions I'm going to need to make soon. Damn it sucks, you would think after a full year, those unused pathways would be mostly dead and gone, but here I am, still feeling that slight call to indulge for a moment and forget about all my worries for a few hours.

Un-fucking-believable!

Who am I kidding, I've been here before, and I blew it after 500 something days. I know better than this, or at least I should - it's an illusion to think or believe I'm out of the forest just yet.

They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Fuck, I hate that saying. It should be, what doesn't kill us now will just wait it out a little longer.

Dear porn, please go fuck yourself.
Stay strong my brother. These kinds of small urges are probably just something we need to deal with but generally I think can be brushed off relatively easily -- though they're an absolute pain sometimes too. I don't have great advice for you except maybe building a real enjoyable stress reliever when times get crazy? Could be exercise, video games, spending time with friends, having some fun w/ the gf, etc. Really just anything except porn. Honestly could even be MO (as long as it's not taken to excess, so 2-3x a week max) maybe
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 407

Thank you @swimmer97, I really appreciate this, it helped much yesterday.
Our brain never forgets what gave us a high. Our brain doesnt know the difference between good rewards like real sex, real achievement or bad rewards that hijack our brains like cocaine, heroin or porn. thats the reason why your porn pathway can fall asleep but it will always be there.
This was great and a good reminder. You're right, we might get away from this, and one day be recovered, but it will always be there. Complacency is not an option.

Best brother

Thank you @GBS. This lifted my spirits.
He loves it when we take our eye off the ball. So I like it because the devil can fuck right off, and some days we forget to be wary of how sneaky he can be (the devil is a he I presume?🤷), but we will NOT give in.
And you're absolutely right, the devil loves it when we lose sight of our mission and goals, and forget to be ever watchful.

Thank you sir.

Thanks @downhillfromhere, you're right. Quitting porn is undoubtedly a life commitment, and not a stroll through the park when it's only nice and sunny outside. Keep killing it, you're inspiring! Some might even go as far to say, you make it look easy, like frolicking down a hill.

@SimonM, this hit the nail on the head.
Plus, we've been to the well and have drunk the poison. We know how it destroys us yes, but we also know the euphoria it promises and delivers for the price of our souls. Men have sold their souls for this since the dawn of consciousness I am sure. Just read some Greek tragedies lol.
Yes we do like to sell our souls don't we? lol. What's crazy about it though is that we all know (especially everyone here) that there's no rainbow at the end of the road to porn-valley, for years we've looked and looked and have yet to find it. However, some days we let ourselves think, just maybe today, just maybe this time, we'll find it at last! 🤦‍♂️

Thanks for that.

@First_step_thousand_miles, thanks brother!
I don't have great advice for you except maybe building a real enjoyable stress reliever when times get crazy? Could be exercise, video games, spending time with friends, having some fun w/ the gf, etc.
Yes, I went for a walk and felt much better. Also just got my ass to studying.:cool: It seems often enough for me, procrastination leads me to undelightful destinations. So always something to be watchful of.

Yesterday I kept asking myself, what is wrong in my current value system that's running about my head concerning school etc. I think I've been stuck by defining myself as always getting good grades, which is a value I really shouldn't define myself by. Good grades are great, but they're not everything. So I decided that my real value is just knowing that when I go to bed every night, I've worked my ass off and have done the best I could do. Whatever happens after that, is kind of out of my control. That way I can enjoy the process and hard work and not have to be thinking everyday about the end result, which always seems to lead me back to procrastinating.

Thanks First step and everyone else. You guys rock, as does RN.

Best everyone!

Thanks.gif
 
Last edited:

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 408

A good read from my book today.

Vacuum under the car mats –Therapy metaphor

There is superficial change and real change. We can wash the outside of the car but not touch the inside. It looks clean until we open the door. We can superficially clean the inside of the car but it is still not really clean. True clean is cleaning even where other people do not normally look, like under the car mats where the hidden grime lurks. Recovery is the same. We can make changes that look good on the surface such as being honest when we think we will be caught if we lie but keeping a secret if we think we can get away with it. Or, we can really get rid of the grime like being rigorously honest even if we think no one will know.

When have I held onto old behaviors because I thought no one would find out? Whether those behaviors have been discovered yet or not, what has been the impact? What gifts await me as I live my recovery even if I could get away with old behaviors?

Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 324). Kindle Edition.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
The Prettiest Girl in Class

She sat beside me today. Lovely in her womanhood. The prettiest girl in class. And when we had a small group assignment, us two were put together. She talked I talked, we both shared ideas on our projects. The prettiest girl in class. I was normal and calm and we both carried on. I looked she looked we talked. The prettiest girl in class. There was nothing sexual about our conversation just a conversation. I felt clean and pure and she of course was lovely. The prettiest girl in class. I noticed her eyes were beautiful dark brown if I remember. I noticed her soul as well. The prettiest girl in class. She felt as if a sister not an object of my desire. I would sing her praises to my sisters yet not brag to my brothers. The prettiest girl in class. Yes I am a man and she a woman. But am I the same man? The prettiest girl in class. This man is a new creation. My thoughts cannot be my thoughts. The prettiest girl in class. She is beautiful where is my lust? She is a woman why not peek at her bust? The prettiest girl in class. I feel calm I feel serene. I feel as if finally a human being. Thank you to the prettiest girl in class.

For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he - Proverbs 23:7
 
Last edited:

searching4good

Active Member
The Prettiest Girl in Class

She sat beside me today. Lovely in her womanhood. The prettiest girl in class. And when we had a small group assignment, us two were put together. She talked I talked, we both shared ideas on our projects. The prettiest girl in class. I was normal and calm and we both carried on. I looked she looked we talked. The prettiest girl in class. There was nothing sexual about our conversation just a conversation. I felt clean and pure and she of course was lovely. The prettiest girl in class. I noticed her eyes were beautiful dark brown if I remember. I noticed her soul as well. The prettiest girl in class. She felt as if a sister not an object of my desire. I would sing her praises to my sisters yet not brag to my brothers. The prettiest girl in class. Yes I am a man and she a woman. But am I the same man? The prettiest girl in class. This man is new a new creation. My thoughts cannot be my thoughts. The prettiest girl in class. She is beautiful where is my lust? She is a woman why not peek at her bust? The prettiest girl in class. I feel calm I feel serene. I feel as if finally a human being. Thank you to the prettiest girl in class.

For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he - Proverbs 23:7
That's beautiful, thanks @Blondie for sharing as always. You are becoming the man that was always inside of you.
 
The Prettiest Girl in Class

She sat beside me today. Lovely in her womanhood. The prettiest girl in class. And when we had a small group assignment, us two were put together. She talked I talked, we both shared ideas on our projects. The prettiest girl in class. I was normal and calm and we both carried on. I looked she looked we talked. The prettiest girl in class. There was nothing sexual about our conversation just a conversation. I felt clean and pure and she of course was lovely. The prettiest girl in class. I noticed her eyes were beautiful dark brown if I remember. I noticed her soul as well. The prettiest girl in class. She felt as if a sister not an object of my desire. I would sing her praises to my sisters yet not brag to my brothers. The prettiest girl in class. Yes I am a man and she a woman. But am I the same man? The prettiest girl in class. This man is new creation. My thoughts cannot be my thoughts. The prettiest girl in class. She is beautiful where is my lust? She is a woman why not peek at her bust? The prettiest girl in class. I feel calm I feel serene. I feel as if finally a human being. Thank you to the prettiest girl in class.

For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he - Proverbs 23:7
Deep stuff my man, love it. Big part of the journey is really digging deep and finding the true emotions inside of us, glad to see you doing so
 
The Prettiest Girl in Class

She sat beside me today. Lovely in her womanhood. The prettiest girl in class. And when we had a small group assignment, us two were put together. She talked I talked, we both shared ideas on our projects. The prettiest girl in class. I was normal and calm and we both carried on. I looked she looked we talked. The prettiest girl in class. There was nothing sexual about our conversation just a conversation. I felt clean and pure and she of course was lovely. The prettiest girl in class. I noticed her eyes were beautiful dark brown if I remember. I noticed her soul as well. The prettiest girl in class. She felt as if a sister not an object of my desire. I would sing her praises to my sisters yet not brag to my brothers. The prettiest girl in class. Yes I am a man and she a woman. But am I the same man? The prettiest girl in class. This man is a new creation. My thoughts cannot be my thoughts. The prettiest girl in class. She is beautiful where is my lust? She is a woman why not peek at her bust? The prettiest girl in class. I feel calm I feel serene. I feel as if finally a human being. Thank you to the prettiest girl in class.

For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he - Proverbs 23:7
This was so beautiful to read 😍
 
Top