I know I've had more dick updates these days more than usual, but it's blowing my mind so I can't help it. We had sex tonight, and I tell you what, the changes down there are really starting to become obvious to both me and the lady. I haven't had a real problem down there for a very long time now, but yet, I still notice changes, especially after the weeks following a flatline. The biggest thing recently has been the increase of sensitivity, so much so that it actually surprised me tonight! Yes he's bigger, but all jokes aside, everything is just functioning better and it keeps blowing my mind.
I know, I'm like a broken record.
But this gets me to my main point of this post, even though I say time and time again that no matter how many times you relapse, you just need to get back up and dust yourself off because that's all you or I can ever do. Well, that is the truth of the matter and it's the only option any of us have when we relapse. Yes, we do need to love ourselves and move on, and yes the only other option is just to give up, no thanks. However, just thinking about all of this tonight, it really just struck me how serious this all is, and just the enormity of the damage this god damned porn has done to me and to all of us here. I mean think about it, I'm almost 15 months clean and I'm still noticing changes down there, and in fact, just now regaining my sensitivity where I would even post about it, I've never mentioned my lack of sensitivity before. But here is what's even crazier, I've been 15 months clean, but my relapse 15 months ago was only two days, with the last day being a full on "session" for four hours (the first one was just porn subs). What in the fuck? Then go back further, I was clean for four months before that, but that relapse was spread out over three or four times over a month or so (probably four hours sessions too). However, before that, I was clean for another four months, and then another four months and then six months before that! I say all of this to say, a relapse must set you back a good bit (at least for me), because, I've been clean for most of the last four and half years, but have never felt what I feel now.
Yes, we must love ourselves and take care of ourselves, both mentally, physically and spiritually, and when we do "fail" we need to love ourselves like we never have before. However, we need to be real careful not to bullshit ourselves about how serious this all really is. Feeling how I felt today after sex was both exhilarating and scary, because, I realized how quickly I could fuck up and ruin much of my progress in just a moment of being off my guard. Would ten minutes really ruin a whole year of progress? I doubt it, but who knows, that's all I'm saying in this post. Seriously, look at my track record, to me it's hard to see how I could still be improving while only looking here and there over the course of four years, but here I am, still noticing changes.
Porn is the modern day Matrix, and as you go further and further away from it, you realize it was all a big lie.
It's not your friend. It's not sexy. It's not peaceful. It's not "just a distraction". It will take everything you love and hold dear from you, until one day, you're not even sensitive enough to realize it, literally!
Best.
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