Porn is not an option

swimmer97

Well-Known Member
I know I've had more dick updates these days more than usual, but it's blowing my mind so I can't help it. We had sex tonight, and I tell you what, the changes down there are really starting to become obvious to both me and the lady. I haven't had a real problem down there for a very long time now, but yet, I still notice changes, especially after the weeks following a flatline. The biggest thing recently has been the increase of sensitivity, so much so that it actually surprised me tonight! Yes he's bigger, but all jokes aside, everything is just functioning better and it keeps blowing my mind.

I know, I'm like a broken record.

But this gets me to my main point of this post, even though I say time and time again that no matter how many times you relapse, you just need to get back up and dust yourself off because that's all you or I can ever do. Well, that is the truth of the matter and it's the only option any of us have when we relapse. Yes, we do need to love ourselves and move on, and yes the only other option is just to give up, no thanks. However, just thinking about all of this tonight, it really just struck me how serious this all is, and just the enormity of the damage this god damned porn has done to me and to all of us here. I mean think about it, I'm almost 15 months clean and I'm still noticing changes down there, and in fact, just now regaining my sensitivity where I would even post about it, I've never mentioned my lack of sensitivity before. But here is what's even crazier, I've been 15 months clean, but my relapse 15 months ago was only two days, with the last day being a full on "session" for four hours (the first one was just porn subs). What in the fuck? Then go back further, I was clean for four months before that, but that relapse was spread out over three or four times over a month or so (probably four hours sessions too). However, before that, I was clean for another four months, and then another four months and then six months before that! I say all of this to say, a relapse must set you back a good bit (at least for me), because, I've been clean for most of the last four and half years, but have never felt what I feel now.

Yes, we must love ourselves and take care of ourselves, both mentally, physically and spiritually, and when we do "fail" we need to love ourselves like we never have before. However, we need to be real careful not to bullshit ourselves about how serious this all really is. Feeling how I felt today after sex was both exhilarating and scary, because, I realized how quickly I could fuck up and ruin much of my progress in just a moment of being off my guard. Would ten minutes really ruin a whole year of progress? I doubt it, but who knows, that's all I'm saying in this post. Seriously, look at my track record, to me it's hard to see how I could still be improving while only looking here and there over the course of four years, but here I am, still noticing changes.

Porn is the modern day Matrix, and as you go further and further away from it, you realize it was all a big lie.

It's not your friend. It's not sexy. It's not peaceful. It's not "just a distraction". It will take everything you love and hold dear from you, until one day, you're not even sensitive enough to realize it, literally!

Best.
This made me nearly tear up. Its absolutely true. Im so happy for you.
Thank you for sharing this. It gives tons of further motivation. I just woke up with a strong natural morning wood. This feels better than all of the 10.000 climax from porn. Just the natural feeling of getting slowly healed.

Its worth it.

Kepp going.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thanks @Weetakker. You can do the same.

@FAVOUR Pro, you'll get there brother. One day at a time.

@GBS: that a good question. So I haven't masturbated once without porn since I've started this journey four and half years ago. For me, masturbation and porn go hand and hand lol. Which is why I always say, if I didn't have a sexual outlet, I would be very cautious to masturbate, simply because I've never done one without the other. The way I masturbated during porn was terrible in the damage it did to my dick. I was the edging king, and would edge for hours on end (sometimes five hour sessions), thus, I know I'm reaping now the thoughtless actions of my past. However, like I pointed out, I've been clean for 1600 something days minus 25 relapses over the last four and half years. Obviously, that's great news, and my life is considerably better for it, even with a few slips ups here and there. But, my point was, I don't think we can really experience true healing, without utterly and completely saying goodbye to this 'friend' who was never our friend in the first place.

As far as your question about having sex, I'm sure that also affects my progress some. I've never stopped having sex, except for a month last spring, so I know that might have slowed down my progress a bit (we probably do it on average 2 to 3 times a week). All of this is somewhat hard to gage, because it's all so different for everyone and their own story. However, my main point was, that no matter how good it is to put porn mostly behind you (and I think one could argue that I have), you still won't get the full benefits and true healing until you never return to the filth again. Four months clean didn't give me this new sensation. An established pattern of one slip up every four months for a year a half didn't as well. Neither did six months clean following a year and a half streak. Obviously, these are all good things and 'great' streaks, especially if you're coming from looking at porn everyday, so don't get me wrong, I'm not belittling that at all. However, what I am saying is that true healing won't come your way, until you completely and utterly put porn behind you for good.

What a crazy journey this is! Bless you sir.

Hey @swimmer97, I'm glad it could help you.
This feels better than all of the 10.000 climax from porn. Just the natural feeling of getting slowly healed.
:cool: I love this. I know what you mean. It only gets better and better.

Bless you brother.
 
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Ezel

Respected Member
Thanks @Weetakker. You can do the same.

@FAVOUR Pro, you'll get there brother. One day at a time.

@GBS: that a good question. So I haven't masturbated once without porn since I've started this journey four and half years ago. For me, masturbation and porn go hand and hand lol. Which is why I always say, if I didn't have a sexual outlet, I would be very cautious to masturbate, simply because I've never done one without the other. The way I masturbated during porn was terrible in the damage it did to my dick. I was the edging king, and would edge for hours on end (sometimes five hour sessions), thus, I know I'm reaping now the thoughtless actions of my past. However, like I pointed out, I've been clean for 1600 something days minus 25 relapses over the last four and half years. Obviously, that's great news, and my life is considerably better for it, even with a few slips ups here and there. But, my point was, I don't think we can really experience true healing, without utterly and completely saying goodbye to this 'friend' who was never our friend in the first place.

As far as your question about having sex, I'm sure that also affects my progress some. I've never stopped having sex, except for a month last spring, so I know that might have slowed down my progress a bit (we probably do it on average 2 to 3 times a week). All of this is somewhat hard to gage, because it's all so different for everyone and their own story. However, my main point was, that no matter how good it is to put porn mostly behind you (and I think one could argue that I have), you still won't get the full benefits and true healing until you never return to the filth again. Four months clean didn't give me this new sensation. An established pattern of one slip up every four months for a year a half didn't as well. Neither did six months clean following a year and a half streak. Obviously, these are all good things and 'great' streaks, especially if you're coming from looking at porn everyday, so don't get me wrong, I'm not belittling that at all. However, what I am saying is that true healing won't come your way, until you completely and utterly put porn behind you for good.

What a crazy journey this is! Bless you sir.

Hey @swimmer97, I glad it could help you.

:cool: I love this. I know what you mean. It only gets better and better.

Bless you brother.
Incredible journey Blondie, God bless you my man. All hail the king 👑☺️.
To all the members in this awesome forum, protect this man at all costs 😉🤠.
 

Scorpio1990

Active Member
@Blondie - love your piece. Amazing stuff and well done to you. Also well done for experiencing new sensations, you deserve it. Couple of thoughts/questions: can you comment on the frequenting of your masturbation (with no porn obvs) during your various stretches of time when you were sober; also what was your frequency of having sex with girlfriend? Interesting how much the changes are related to complete abstinence or just abstinence from masturbation.

You give us all hope, but the hope is amazing because the promised land is so plentiful. I feel even better simply having read what you wrote. Hero.
I’m in the same boat on having sex on a reboot specially going months and months PMO free. Having a gf is like a double edge sword during recovery. I know read a lot of hard mode but it also can probably feel lonely.
 

GBS

Respected Member
@Blondie - thanks for your reply. Fascinating. Your rewards appear to be about no porn and not necessarily related to penis usage. But perhaps it’s not about abstinence at all. It’s about the brain, and the not edging constantly and no more death gripping. But most of all it’s about the long term rewards.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
@Scorpio1990: I hear what you're saying. I think there's positives and negatives to both, though a partner during this was definitely better for me. If I had just been hooking up randomly here and there, and say my man didn't want to play one night, that could really be a real blow to the mind, whereas with a partner, we could just try again later, and the mental damage wouldn't be there (well it was still there, but I could try it again the next day and often it would work). But yes, when it comes to having sex, that does seem to slow down the process of recovery, I think it did for me anyway. I guess I could refrain from ejaculation, but I'm too lazy at the moment lol. It's a slow march but we're getting there.

Thanks for your comment.

@GBS Thank you sir.

Yes I think it is about the brain and just all the shit I've seen. The variety of "different women" has to have a great affect on us as well. Because it doesn't matter how hot and beautiful our ladies are, when there's millions of different ones at a click of a mouse, what is right beside us becomes less interesting. And in my case, I still felt very attracted to my girl, but apparently my brain started to feel otherwise. That is the danger of all this.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 441

A year ago around this time I started to experience the craziest flatline I had ever experienced. I couldn't believe how a bad it was, considering I had only been looking at porn sporadically over the last two years, as I've just detailed over the last few days. However, for whatever reason, that pattern of every four months really did a number on my brain. I remember telling myself over that time period, "You're not addicted if you can easily go four months without something." That was my excuse, and I guess to some extant it might be true on paper. Nevertheless, that four month relapse period tricked me into thinking I was okay, when in reality, my brain was obviously not.

Up until that time, I had always been slightly skeptical about the science of Your Brain on Porn to some extant. Why? Because during those four month periods, my dick was mostly working and that was that. Thus, I thought to myself, my brain was healed, and maybe that science was a little kooky after all, and maybe my brain never even needed to be "healed". Sure, right after a relapse I might have had a slight dip in my performance, but it almost always worked (that was my only measure of success), and it would work just fine until right after I looked at porn again after the next four month session. So the cycle continued and I lived in my delusion - not to mention my moral delusion. It was only after I completely pulled the plug on porn again over a year ago that my brain took the cue and sent my spiraling into my hardest flatline ever. Usually in the past my flatline was just that I couldn't get it hard enough to have sex, but now, it wouldn't even go up! I couldn't believe it, I had thought I was mostly okay, what the fuck? What a wakeup call that was a year ago, to realize I had been living in a delusion, thinking I was mostly alright, when in reality, I was living at a subsistence existence and didn't even know it.

Here's a list of what I thought was okay

- A dick that almost always looked shriveled up, like I had spent two hours too long at the pool
- A dick that was probably 80 to 90% hard when doing "well"
- A dick that at its worst, was probably 50 - 60% hard, and made my Lady feel like shit
- A dick that had absolutely zero sensitivity to it, thus, I preferred blow jobs and hand jobs to real sex!
- A dick that was a least two inches too small
- A dick that could go on for hours (like a porn star baby!) and could hardly ever get off, and again made my Lady feel like shit
- A dick obsessed with body parts and nothing else, one could say, seeing the body for the ass!
- A dick attached to an even bigger Dick.


Just a year later, things are much better than they've ever been down there and elsewhere. It's hard to believe that that four month pattern did such utter damage to me, but the fact remains that it did.

I want to add just a fun little anecdote to this story. I say fun because I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it sometimes, it's almost mystical in fact. Above I mentioned that It was only after I completely pulled the plug on porn again that my brain took the cue and sent my spiraling into my hardest flatline ever. Well, what does this mean exactly? Hadn't I pulled the plug on porn after every four month relapse? Well, yes and no. Sure, I said I was going to quit again, but mentally, I still had it in my mind, that if it was only every four months, it was still mostly okay. However, 441 days ago I made a decision, unlike before, that I was really done with this shit, and that porn was simply not a fucking option for me. And funny enough, as if my brain took the cue and realized the seriousness of my newfound resolve, it drove me straight into the my hardest flatline ever, something it had never done during all of those other four month periods of abstinence. Pretty cool right? :cool:

I always talk about the importance of making decisions on this thread, and if you've made your final decision to quit porn for good. You see, our brain can be our greatest enemy, but also our greatest friend. Our brain knows when we're bullshitting ourselves or not, and let me tell you friends, there's no greater bullshitter than myself. So my question for you today is, have you had that come to Jesus moment with quitting porn or not? Have you truly decided that porn is not an option for you anymore? Because if you have, though you might make a mistake here and there, your brain WILL realize the difference, and start you on your mystical journey of healing.

We must trust the process, and thus, we must make our decision.

Have you made yours?

Why does my life hurt.jpg
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
I know I've had more dick updates these days more than usual, but it's blowing my mind so I can't help it. We had sex tonight, and I tell you what, the changes down there are really starting to become obvious to both me and the lady. I haven't had a real problem down there for a very long time now, but yet, I still notice changes, especially after the weeks following a flatline. The biggest thing recently has been the increase of sensitivity, so much so that it actually surprised me tonight! Yes he's bigger, but all jokes aside, everything is just functioning better and it keeps blowing my mind.

I know, I'm like a broken record.

But this gets me to my main point of this post, even though I say time and time again that no matter how many times you relapse, you just need to get back up and dust yourself off because that's all you or I can ever do. Well, that is the truth of the matter and it's the only option any of us have when we relapse. Yes, we do need to love ourselves and move on, and yes the only other option is just to give up, no thanks. However, just thinking about all of this tonight, it really just struck me how serious this all is, and just the enormity of the damage this god damned porn has done to me and to all of us here. I mean think about it, I'm almost 15 months clean and I'm still noticing changes down there, and in fact, just now regaining my sensitivity where I would even post about it, I've never mentioned my lack of sensitivity before. But here is what's even crazier, I've been 15 months clean, but my relapse 15 months ago was only two days, with the last day being a full on "session" for four hours (the first one was just porn subs). What in the fuck? Then go back further, I was clean for four months before that, but that relapse was spread out over three or four times over a month or so (probably four hours sessions too). However, before that, I was clean for another four months, and then another four months and then six months before that! I say all of this to say, a relapse must set you back a good bit (at least for me), because, I've been clean for most of the last four and half years, but have never felt what I feel now.

Yes, we must love ourselves and take care of ourselves, both mentally, physically and spiritually, and when we do "fail" we need to love ourselves like we never have before. However, we need to be real careful not to bullshit ourselves about how serious this all really is. Feeling how I felt today after sex was both exhilarating and scary, because, I realized how quickly I could fuck up and ruin much of my progress in just a moment of being off my guard. Would ten minutes really ruin a whole year of progress? I doubt it, but who knows, that's all I'm saying in this post. Seriously, look at my track record, to me it's hard to see how I could still be improving while only looking here and there over the course of four years, but here I am, still noticing changes.

Porn is the modern day Matrix, and as you go further and further away from it, you realize it was all a big lie.

It's not your friend. It's not sexy. It's not peaceful. It's not "just a distraction". It will take everything you love and hold dear from you, until one day, you're not even sensitive enough to realize it, literally!

Best.
Hey brother -- keep talking about it, doesn't matter if you're a broken record. if you feel there are things worth bringing up, then go for it my man. It's honestly good to hear that the improvements keep happening even beyond the 1yr mark. Keep crushing it!

I can see why it might be scary but you got this my man. I know the feeling of temptation / boredom / looking for a bigger 'high'...I always wondered how people could get addicted to drugs and why it was so hard to break out....only now to realize some of that myself but w/ porn instead of hard drugs. The temptation is just that there's a bigger high waiting out there -- though most of this goes away as our dopamine regulates back to what it should. Sure, there are artificial stimulants out there that take us beyond what nature intended but every single one slowly destroys us in the long-term. High speed internet porn is just the latest iteration of what our world of comforts has created to amuse us
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 443

@First_step_thousand_miles: Thanks brother.
I know the feeling of temptation / boredom / looking for a bigger 'high'...I always wondered how people could get addicted to drugs and why it was so hard to break out....only now to realize some of that myself but w/ porn instead of hard drugs.
I hear you about this, I use to be the same wondering to myself "How the hell could people do that to themselves?" Now I know how. It just happens and a lot of times it becomes something we never intended to happen. But now we know. Now we know. Thanks for you constant encouragement my man!

I have one more exam today and then I'll be done with school for this semester. Another one down. It's been a pretty stressful semester, but I got through it without resorting to porn.

I'm definitely learning that whenever I feel stressed or fearful, it's only a passing emotion, and if I just hold the course, or take action (usually both) it will pass.

One day at a time. One day at a time.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Day 444

I took my last exam yesterday, it feels good to be done.

I'm riding a high right now that is definitely different than a porn high. No, it's not as crazy as those insane long sessions of dopamine rushing through ever pore of your mind, but on the flipside, it's longer lasting and it is still going strong.

I feel proud and not shameful.

I feel contented and not tormented.

I feel like I've built something worthwhile over the last three months, instead of tearing something down over the course of only three clicks.

And the best thing is, whenever this high comes back down to reality, I won't feel that overwhelming low. There will be no crashing back down. There will be no post high. There will be just life. Real life.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Congratulations @Blondie on so many counts.

Finishing your exams.
Recognising that high for what it is and rejoicing in that too.
Being the right type of proud.
Being an example on here that we all want to follow.

You have leadership qualities, my friend. You could probably run a successful business.

Above absolutely everything, stay true to who you have become.
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Huge year for you Blondie! you've really taken a crack at these big changes and I'm happy to see you're being rewarded for it. Imagine how much more there's left to unearth over 2023. It's been an honor getting to know you over the past 7+ months, keep on crushing it my man!
 
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