Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

Hey @Daybyday1988, thanks for your message, and great picture by the way! We really do need to be Rambo when it comes to eradicating porn from our lives.

That's a good question. Yes, my PIED has considerably improved over the last almost 500 days. It's definitely a night and day difference. My pattern of looking at porn before this last streak was kind of strange in that I was stuck in a 3 to 4 month streak pattern. So I would be kind of on the road to getting healed, then I would look at porn again, and send me right back to where I begun. I read somewhere that this 3 month pattern could almost be worse for PIED than looking at porn all the time, and from my experience, that seems to be true for me. Thus, my dick would work, but it was never great ((probably 70 - 75%), and certainly not what it is now. However, as soon as I pulled the plug, it worked for about two months then just completely stopped working for a month or so, I mean, absolutely nothing. Nevertheless, slowly but surely it become better and better as time went on. I still have flatlines but they are becoming less and less as time marches on, I just had a small one last week. My thought patterns, that is, random porn flashes or thoughts, have improved immensely over the last year too. I've noticed a cycle in that whenever I start having these random thoughts pop up in my head, that is generally a sign that my mind and dick will be cleaner and working better within the following week, I just have to push on through to the other side. It seems weird to write that out, like it's some kind pseudo science or something, but it's true from my experience. I've become very aware of it, and it doesn't scare me anymore. If you've read any of my early posts, that was certainly not the case back then!

Sex is 100x better than it ever was before. I think there might be some more improvements coming my way, but I can't imagine it could be much more, maybe an extra 5% or something. Who knows, but I'm looking forward to it. I think after two years in total I will probably be mostly healed, but, we shall see.

Best brother, and congrats on 3 months clean, that is quite the accomplishment. And you're right, this really is a big and long-term commitment, thus, trying to rush through it or whatever is quite counterproductive. One day at a time is my motto.

P.S. thank you for mentioning the Lord Jesus Christ in your posts and well as His Word from time to time (your proverbs reference for example). We are all sinners who are deserving of Hell, and He took the Wrath of God so that by faith we can be righteous before Him and spend eternity in heaven. Bless you for that

Well I'm not much of a Christian these days, however, I'd be the first to admit that there are definitely some eternal truths that are found within it.

Best to you, and keep on fighting the good fight.

 

[Blondie]

You all have a great porn-free weekend.

"The cowardly man thinks he’ll live for ever, if he keeps away from fighting; but old age won’t grant him a truce even if spears spare him." - Havamal​

 

[Daybyday1988]

Thanks for the response Blondie. I'm glad you sexual health is coming back. I miss being at full functionality, been a long long time. Gives me hope that once I get to 500 days like you ill be almost back to normal as well!

I appreciate you coming back and keeping this journal going. It really helps out the community here. Bless you!

-DbD

 

[the_badger]

Hey @the_badger, thanks for stopping by. That's a good question, and an insanely deep one at that. Firstly, I'm still afraid of death, and anyone who says otherwise, is probably just full of it, but that's just me. However, just thinking about it now, perhaps there are two different fears of death, or so it seems. For one, there is the fear of not knowing what lies beyond your last breath. that is, is there a heaven or hell, or some regeneration of the soul past that final threshold? This fear is understandable and is both religious and philosophical, and we will probably never know the answer completely. Nevertheless, these things don't scare me as much as the the other fear of death. That is, the fear of lying on your deathbed and knowing you could have lived your life better, however, you let your (fill in the blank) control you: fears, addictions, "bad" circumstances of life etc. This fear is my greatest fear, and I believe the man or woman who tune into this fear of death make the most of life, because they know life is precious, and that every good day and every wasted day, is just one less day on your ultimate inevitable timeline. So yes, quitting porn has definitely made me tune into that second fear, or perhaps you could say, that second fear was the driving catalyst for the change I needed to get me off my ass and get over this nonsense, besides other things in my life I was making excuses for. I hope that answers your question.

Every night before we close our eyes to sleep, is a rehearsal for that final and last greet sleep. Thus, let us close our eyes every night with a smile on our faces, content in our hearts that we lived out our day to the best of our abilities. And if we do this, we will be sure that that last and final sleep, will be filled with much happiness and not regret.

Best to you.

Thanks for the in depth reply! To be honest, it raised more questions for me. (But none that you could answer. Stuff I'll have to contemplate about myself. But nothing else could be expected with such a deep question. )

 

[Blondie]

You're welcome! Yeah that question could go anywhere lol I'm still thinking about it myself

Best

 

[Blondie]

Day 475

 

[TryingHarder]

No one in history ever had a "good" childhood, so never let that be an excuse for your bullshit.

This is true (if perhaps a bit blunt). However, our childhood experiences certainly leave deep marks. I'm 53 years old and still uncovering things about my childhood and teenage years that created certain thought patterns, bad behaviours, and poor mental health. Knowledge is power, so untangling those cords in order to leave the past behind is very important.

 

[Blondie]

This is true (if perhaps a bit blunt). However, our childhood experiences certainly leave deep marks. I'm 53 years old and still uncovering things about my childhood and teenage years that created certain thought patterns, bad behaviours, and poor mental health. Knowledge is power, so untangling those cords in order to leave the past behind is very important.

I agree @TryingHarder.

My point was referring more to one's behavior and how easy it is to use the past to make excuses for our current actions. If you look at any of the greats in history (including today), no one came from a "perfect" family or childhood. There was abuse, or worse, sexual abuse, alcoholism, abandonment, divorce, parents cheating on each other etc., not to mention absolute brutal war and utter poverty. However, all of these people still achieved great things, no matter their childhood problems and circumstances. Thus, there is no problem in looking into our past to understand why we do the things we do (that can be very helpful) however, we should never use our past to make excuses for our behavior at present. I use to do this all the time.

Once again, I'm reminded of the "contradictions" of recovery. Both points are valid, but there is a balance that needs to be had to march forward to victory. At least for myself, when I focus too much on one side, I often lose my balance and need to be guided somewhere back between the middle of reflecting on my past but yet thinking forward to what I want to be, plus, loving myself but never giving excuses for my bullshit lol.

Obviously easier said than done.

Best brother.

 

[Daybyday1988]

we should never use our past to make excuses for our behavior at present. I use to do this all the time.

%100. Never use as an excuse or justification. But rather, use it as information about where you need to improve and what you need to move past.

 

[Blondie]

%100. Never use as an excuse or justification. But rather, use it as information about where you need to improve and what you need to move past.

I like that. Thanks @Daybyday1988!

 

[Blondie]

Day 477

A good one from my book today. I needed this.

Would you marry yourself? –Therapy metaphor

No one is perfect. And while that is not an excuse for ignoring our own problematic behaviors and interactions, it is also not license to beat ourselves up about our imperfections. Self-love and self‑acceptance are important, especially in recovery. If we do not love and accept ourselves, our relationships are in for a lot of trouble. Why? Because we attract that which fits us! When we have issues with self-love and acceptance, the people that are attracted to us tend to have issues here as well. A lack of self-love and self-acceptance may show up as feeling less-than or as a sense of entitlement. However, if we have learned to love and accept ourselves, the people who are attracted to us have typically learned to do the same. That is where truly equal and satisfying relationships are found.

Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 17). Kindle Edition.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Man amazing stuff! I need to stop in here more. Very cool to see the continued improvement.

 

[Blondie]

Day 478

@Winnerwhoabstains: I'm glad I could help out a little bit. Keep staying strong.

I've been in a weird headspace for a while now and I need to be extra cautious. I guess that's another paradox of recovery, on one hand it's good to feel out our emotions (sometimes for the first time), on the other, since many of us are kind of childlike when it comes to dealing with our emotions, we must be careful to not go too far and slip up because we can't handle it. I've been here before, and I didn't handle it properly.

Sometimes I feel like a goddamn child, it sucks but it's true.

I've been drinking a little too much these days...

I've been eating a little too much these days...

Luckily I'm not a foody or an alcoholic, but I have been using them sometimes to numb myself, and I'm not proud about that.

Where's the balance between experiencing your pain afresh but not experiencing the pain of a relapse? I don't know yet, but I seek to find it.

Another day, one day at a time.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 478

@Winnerwhoabstains: I'm glad I could help out a little bit. Keep staying strong.

I've been in a weird headspace for a while now and I need to be extra cautious. I guess that's another paradox of recovery, on one hand it's good to feel out our emotions (sometimes for the first time), on the other, since many of us are kind of childlike when it comes to dealing with our emotions, we must be careful to not go too far and slip up because we can't handle it. I've been here before, and I didn't handle it properly.

Sometimes I feel like a goddamn child, it sucks but it's true.

I've been drinking a little too much these days...

I've been eating a little too much these days...

Luckily I'm not a foody or an alcoholic, but I have been using them sometimes to numb myself, and I'm not proud about that.

Where's the balance between experiencing your pain afresh but not experiencing the pain of a relapse? I don't know yet, but I seek to find it.

Another day, one day at a time.

Brother I feel like a child all the time it feels. Having some child-like qualities is not bad -- and I'm referring that sense of wonder children have, that incredible excitement and curiosity for the simplest of life's pleasures (hanging with a buddy, going to the aquarium, playing a new video game, exploring and finding a cool new location, etc). Preserving this magic is essential I think

That said, also key to know when to man up and take care of life. Grab it by the neck and make things happen. I think many of us food / alcohol as ways to feel better when we're feeling like crap. Between the two, food is definitely the better one IMO. But even so to avoid the downsides, use it sparingly.

My rec is when I'm feeling crappy / need that dopamine rush, two things have proven remarkably effective: 1) moderate-high intensity exercise and 2) chatting / hanging out with a good friend. Especially (2), nothing in the world beats that. Instantly puts me in a better, happier place. I really do recommend you notice what happens when you spend time with a good friend next time, so many of your troubles melt away and you can challenge the world anew

 

[Blondie]

Brother I feel like a child all the time it feels. Having some child-like qualities is not bad -- and I'm referring that sense of wonder children have, that incredible excitement and curiosity for the simplest of life's pleasures (hanging with a buddy, going to the aquarium, playing a new video game, exploring and finding a cool new location, etc). Preserving this magic is essential I think

This is true, thanks @First_step_thousand_miles, I really appreciate it.

Yeah I totally agree with you here. I definitely never want to lose my childhood curiosity, I think it's one of the better characteristics of my personality, just look at the stupid shit I post on people's threads around here sometimes . I think I was referring mostly to my lack of emotional maturity (sometimes) of not being able to handle stress or unhappiness properly like a grown adult. However, I must admit I've had my share of shit moments and stress over this last almost 16 months, so I should pat myself on the back about that. I guess it comes down to, am I perfect, no, but am I getting better, absolutely. I guess in the end, that's all that really matters.

) moderate-high intensity exercise and 2) chatting / hanging out with a good friend. Especially (2), nothing in the world beats that. Instantly puts me in a better, happier place.

I definitely agree with you about exercise, it's something I'm really getting into these days. I can honestly say for the first time in forty years, I'm finally starting to see some real gains in the gym, not just strength but also mass, hell, I almost have boobs!

I should find/make more friends. I still have my old buddies from high schools etc. but they don't live where I live these days, so that doesn't really count, although I do call them from time to time. I'm busy with school, so that's my excuse.

Like always, thanks brother!

 

[GBS]

Are you trying to turn me on with that moving picture?

 

[Blondie]

Are you trying to turn me on with that moving picture?

@GBS, I told you I've been working out!

Day 479

I've been reading a book called The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. It's has been a good book so far. It talks about masculine and feminine energies and the differences between them. I love things of this nature and have been diving in to see what I think about it. He has a chapter titled Young Women Offer You a Special Energy that encapsulates everything I think about this subject, and he says it better than I've ever explained it in my writing. The problem with porn is that it makes this life giving energy only about sex and the genitals, whereas that's only a part of the equation.

Here's a part I liked.

Uncompromised, youthful, feminine energy turns you on and opens your heart. You actually feel happier around young women. You feel more energetic, alive, and loving. As women get older, they typically take on more and more masculine tasks and responsibilities in our culture, so their radiance begins to decrease. In other cultures, this is less true. Women maintain and even deepen their radiance. But even in these cultures with more wisdom, it is understood that young women provide a special energy that is fresh, uncompromised, and enlivening.

Our culture reduces this youthful energy to a sexual thing, whereas it is actually a whole body transmission of energy, affecting the heart as much as or more than the genitals. In other cultures, young women were honored for their gifts of spiritual rejuvenation, tending to holy sites and performing sacred arts, not just ogled for sexual titillation. As a man, it is your responsibility to honor the heart-rejuvenative gift of a young woman, without violating this honor by imposing your sexual desire on her.

If sexual desire arises, fine. Circulate it through your body. Learn to conduct the magnification of desire without needing to throw it off in a spasm of release. A major part of mastering sexuality is learning to sustain greater and greater degrees of pleasure and desire in the body, without needing to rid yourself of the force because you can't handle it

When you find yourself really enlivened by a young woman, breathe in her fragrance. Breathe in her energy. Relax your body and allow your heart to open in her presence. Take in her beauty through every pore in your body. Allow love to radiate from your heart toward her. Maintain a respectful formality so that she is free and empowered to give her gift, without being complicated by your personal agenda. Use the energy she has given you in your own service to others, passing the gifts of heightened aliveness and passionate heart into all of your relationships, so that all beings may benefit by the delight you have received from this woman, who, for now, manifests the youthful gifts of uncompromised radiance and life force.

This is beautiful and explains my thoughts entirely. If you're a masculine man, and speaking for myself, I am, then you can't help but notice this energy when you encounter it. I encountered it two days ago and talked about on @First_step_thousand_miles's thread. It blew my mind and made me feel absolutely amazing inside. But it wasn't just the beautiful contour of her bottom or body parts etc. it was the essence of her young feminine energy that made my day and put a smile on my face. Back when I was knee deep in porn, I would have only noticed body parts.

We are all here because we've learned to abuse this energy, but let us not throw out the baby with the bath water (if that's even possible). This energy is life giving and is holy as far as I'm concerned, just as the masculine is holy. However, porn has turned this life giving energy into something disgraceful and shameful, but it is up to us, to reverse this trend in our lives so as to be better men. Our partners deserve it, our wives deserve it, and most of all, we deserve it. Don't be ashamed of being masculine, be only ashamed of not being able to control it.

Porn, death by a thousand mouse clicks.

 

[Galatians51]

Good stuff.

As women get older, they typically take on more and more masculine tasks and responsibilities in our culture, so their radiance begins to decrease.

Does the author give any references to what more masculine tasks and responsibilities he is referring to?

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Galatians51, good question. I believe those "responsibilities he's talking about would be responsibilities that would traditional would have been considered "masculine". Such as, leadership at work and the home, assertiveness and getting the job done over people's feelings, decisiveness, competitiveness, and choosing work over the family and relationships if push comes to shove among other things. The author from what I can tell, has no problem with women doing any of these things (nor do I), and more to the point, women have proven that they can do them, however, he's only pointing out that modern women when learning these more masculine traits (often by necessity I might add), more often than not lose those holy traits of femininity that our world so desperately needs. Traits such as empathy, non competitiveness, agreeability, family and relationships over career (though don't get me wrong they can still have one) etc. We all, both man and woman, can share both the masculine and feminine essence to some an extent, however, we will only be comfortable living mostly in one category or the other. However, yes, there are exceptions.

The problem with the modern world is that it has told women that the only way to be "strong" is to act like men. However, last time I checked, there is nothing stronger in this world than the essence of a truly feminine woman who is confident in what she brings to the table. In my day, a strong female character was Ripley from Aliens, whose strength lied in her feminine and maternal instincts, and not in her psychical strength. She was strong because she wanted to protect the little annoying kid from the aliens etc. This beautiful maternal instinct made her almost as strong as the men in the movie, certainly stronger than many! However, nowadays, female "warriors" in movies are able to kick men's asses twice the size of them, something that is against nature and truth.

The world needs beauty, and only women, feminine women, can bring that back to the world. Of course us men have plenty of work to do ourselves, but don't even get me started on that subject.

I don't know if I agree with everything the author posits, but it's good so far

Best to you.

 

[Blondie]

16 months!

Two more months to beat my longest streak ever. I can do this.