Thank you Blondie man for just being you and for inspiring , your journey is astonishing it should definitely go in a book of porn recovery stories, just for history to make notice of this battle we are all fighting.Thanks brothers, @Hunter_ , @SmokenMirrors and @swimmer97 and @First_step_thousand_miles. You guys are the best.
Things have definitely gone to a whole new level recently in my recovery, just in a general sense. I must sound like a broken record in regards to my sex life, but it really is insane these days, and it's all because of staying away from porn, it's as simple as that. Funny enough, I always thought our sex life was pretty good compared to others I know in my life (our friends etc.), especially for my age, so for it be and feel even better now (much better) is a complete mind blow to me.
Improvements in my dick/sex life
- Over the last month, I've had a very large increase of phallic sensations during sex that was nowhere to be found even a few months ago. Sometimes I've had a hard time believing this stuff (I'm the ultimate doubter in life, maybe my avatar should be Thomas?), but here I am saying it's a hundred percent true. For whatever reasons, porn and heavy masturbation really does fuck this shit up to no end, and refraining from it, even well past a year, will do wonders for you. What's more, the crazy thing about my case is that I haven't really been looking at porn now for almost five years, with only 20 to 30 relapses spread out here and there. However, these 'small' relapses were obviously screwing me in ways I had no idea of, because I was still too far in the darkness to know any better. Now that I've gotten far enough away, I can see the truth of the matter more clearly. At that time, I was lying to myself and saying porn every 90 or so days wasn't really "that big of a deal", when obviously the healing that has taken place over the last 500 days would say otherwise.
- I sometimes walk around with 1/4 boners in my pants like when I was in high school. Obviously not all the time, and this has only really started the last couple of weeks since not having any orgasms during sex, but still that's pretty crazy for a forty year old man. And don't get me wrong, I'm not walking about lusting at everything that moves, I just feel very... turned on by life? lol who knows! This is just another aspect of thinking you know what is 'normal' for you, and then realizing that what you thought was normal was nothing of the sort. Yesterday also, I was sitting at the computer, and just the sensation of my sweats rubbing on my crouch gave me a slight hard on as well. Just another thing I thought I had gotten "Too old for".
- I haven't had a shriveled up dick now for probably two months or more. I was still getting those here and there not too long ago, and who knows, it might happen again, but I can rest assured that it won't last very long if it does.
- My sexualized world has dramatically been reduced since quitting porn 500 days ago. I can now talk to the opposite sex without being bombarded by sexualized thoughts. Yes, I still have them, but it's considerably less and more appropriate for the moment, and just feels more natural and manlike and not pornlike. There's a part of me that thinks I still have a ways to go in my recovery when it comes to this factor. Once in a while, I still feel my brain is changing up there and it's hard to explain but I think it's true, like I almost can "feel" it changing. I think this might be one of the slower parts of my recovery and I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes me. Also, I'm still getting used to learning about my new less sexualized self. It's funny, because in some ways I feel more sexual than ever before, however, it's NOT sexualized, if that makes sense?
- Following that thought, I've read in many accounts where people describe one day just waking up and something just clicked inside and everything was totally different mentally for them: depression, social anxiety, mental fog etc. I don't know if this will happen for me, but there is a part of me that feels I am still living in a semi-fog/dream like state sometimes. Obviously this is really hard to explain, but it is how I feel at moments during the week. However, if this is the extant of my recovery mentally, please know that it's still many times better than when looking at porn in the old days. There is simply no reason to go back.
- Social anxiety, while never being terrible like some have mentioned here, it has definitely improved, especially when talking to the opposite sex. There's just a natural chemistry that happens when one hasn't been looking and wanking to porn (and I don't mean attraction necessarily) that most women seem to pick up on in a subconscious way. It's like their brain tells them subconsciously, this fella is not a wanker, it's okay to chill and talk with him. Also, I do find myself talking to people in general more now than before.
Well I hope that helps someone out there!
Love you guys and thanks for all your encouragement over the last year. You have no idea how much it helps me.
Now on to day 517, a truly momentous day for me.
Keep those boats burning captain, the sea is behind us and the enemy is in front of us. There's no retreat either we fight and win or we die fighting.
Protect this man at all costs, bless you partner.