Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

If you can't afford a car because of your financial or logistical circumstances, then all that's available to you is either walking, biking or public transportation. This fact might piss you off. Hell, you might even think that you're "entitled" to a car, especially if you're an American. You might even say to yourself, I deserve a car because of XYZ blah blah blah bullshit. However, all of your complaints and supposed "rights" aside, a car is simply NOT an option for you, or even an outlet for your transportation needs. Taxis, buses, or the next Ted Bundy, will now be your only transportation options. Thus, you must change your life to fit with the new realties of your now profoundly un-American existence.

If you can't afford to look at porn anymore because of a limp dick, your wife wanting to kill you, or you actually wanting to have a chance with the fairer sex, then all that's available to you is either your beautiful wife, talking to that beautiful girl across the coffee shop, or doing something else with that life giving energy. This fact might piss you off. Hell, you might even think that you're "entitled" to look at porn, especially if you're an American. You might say to yourself, I deserve porn because of my Constitutional rights, fuck the king, blah blah blah bullshit. However, all of your complaints and supposed "rights" aside, porn is simply NOT an option for you, or even an outlet for your sexual needs. Real beautiful women, you're amazing wife, or banging the next goal in life, will now be your only sexual options. Thus, you must change your life to fit with the new realities of your now profoundly un-American existence.

So what should you do?

Start walking, it's good for you!

Take the bus, trust me, it won't kill you.

And please start talking to real women. They need it just as much as we do. And since you're not looking at porn anymore, you're a man among the boys, walking with your head up high and your third leg down low.

Trust me, all the other options are all considerably better than the one that is not.

 

[AJ7]

We're all in prisons of our own making. Spending our lives searching for the key to unlock the cell door to our freedom. Little do we know, the key has always been in our pocket all this time, just waiting to be found.

You nailed this! My hope is that more people realize nothing external can fulfill them and that true joy comes from within, appreciate your posts man

 

[EarthWalker]

And please start talking to real women. They need it just as much as we do. And since you're not looking at porn anymore, you're a man among the boys, walking with your head up high and your third leg down low.

This. I'd add don't feel bad for not getting a number or more. Just enjoy what the situation offers. Like going to a yoga class without getting worked up for not having sex with the yoga instructor etc. But just enjoying a nice class and everyone's company without sexual fantasies.

I find it more productive for my life and sanity. When there are some very fit girls in yoga class. I just acknowledge it. She looks great. And leave it at that. And focus on whatever I am doing. It is a lot better than me starting to fantasize. Etc.

 

[Blondie]

Day 514

I love this man! I'm experiencing more of those moments lately where you just get happy at some pretty small things, and really appreciate life and all its ups / downs. You will make it my man, go and be happy!

@First_step_thousand_miles, this makes me so happy brother! It is all about the little things in life

You nailed this! My hope is that more people realize nothing external can fulfill them and that true joy comes from within, appreciate your posts man

Thanks @AJ7, I glad I could help a little. I'm still learning this concept, but it does help me the more I lean into it. We live in a culture that constantly tells us we need this xyz to be happy, and it's not just women, porn, and sex, it's literally everything! Everything is replaceable and up for sale within a year.

I have a long ways to go to internalize this concept, but it's something I'm working on.

Keep killing it.

This. I'd add don't feel bad for not getting a number or more. Just enjoy what the situation offers. Like going to a yoga class without getting worked up for not having sex with the yoga instructor etc. But just enjoying a nice class and everyone's company without sexual fantasies.

I love this @EarthWalker. Yes, it's all about the experience and not about the outcome. I think for us guys it's so easy for us (especially when single )to approach women and situations with them, as a way to "get something" from them. We talk to them to get their number, to get sex from them, to get a date etc. and women obviously pick up on this and get tired of it pretty quickly. Why? Because it gives off a bad vibe and "needy" energy, all very unmasculine traits. Women also sense these types of conversations are inauthentic as well, knowing that we are talking to them, BUT with alternative motives. However, when we approach these situations with an attitude of giving and appreciating the feminine, without needing a number, sex, or anything in return (every though we want all those things and much more) women feel this difference and respond to us better. There's nothing wrong with wanting those things, but it's how we go about it, that makes a great difference.

Damn, it's almost like women make us men better men. And unfortunately, when we fail to be those men, not only are we unhappy, but so are women, and no one leaves the interaction feeling uplifted and satisfied.

Keep killing it @EarthWalker!

 

[swimmer97]

Damn, it's almost like women make us men better men. And unfortunately, when we fail to be those men, not only are we unhappy, but so are women, and no one leaves the interaction feeling uplifted and satisfied.

Haha love this. Its exactly this. Women somewhat want the same as we do but they want to be conquered with expense and not being consumed like a product in the store.

 

[Blondie]

Day 515

I'm glad you like that @swimmer97. I'm not sure what you mean by "conquered by expense" but I was referring to guys and being authentic in their situations with the fairer sex. This was what I was thinking.

Imagine three guys who want to talk to a cutie across the way but they all approach her differently.

The first guy walks up to her and starts a conversation, but he's so scared to speak his mind, that he either tries to act cool or, just talks about random stuff (the weather, coffee, his job, or worse, his pay raise, etc.) without actually getting to the point of why he came to her in the first place - because he was attracted to her! The woman naturally knows all of this, and after a while excuses herself with an innocent and understandable reason. Now this guy wasn't terrible, but he wasn't terribly attractive either. Obviously, he should be commended for actually engaging with a real woman and using his sexual energy for good and not porn. However, he made some grave mistakes. He was utterly inauthentic in this interaction, both to himself and to her. He was either trying to be "cool" and not speak his mind, or, he was just a bloody wanker talking about the stupidest shit and bored her to death, especially since she knows why he was there in the first place. You could categorize this guy as having a directionless masculine presence. He was needy too, but not as bad as the next more 'manly' guy.

The second guy is definitely more manly, but in all the worst traits of that term. He approaches the woman more directly than the other guy and is utterly at "ease' with himself and maybe with her as well. He can ask for her number, ask for a date, and it often works, however, his whole presence is off to many women, especially more feminine women. Although he has more of the so called "masculine type", he also gives off a needy energy that drives the best women away, because his whole persona has a taking vibe to it, which is far away from the life giving vibe of true masculinity. This man is not there to truly enjoy her, nor is he there to enjoy the moment, he is only there to get something from her, either a number, a date, sex, or marriage by next Christmas. Thus his "charm" is always predicated on some future result and wish, and if not granted, he becomes an entirely different person, and sometimes in a very bad way. This needy energy is life destroying, and many women are rightly repulsed by this type of guy, even though he can be "charming" at first notice and might even have a so called "high notch" count. In the end, this guy can't be charged with being inauthentic like the first guy, because he does speak his mind and is direct in his intentions, however, he CAN be charged with being inauthentic to his true masculine core.

Ture masculinity is life giving in all its forms and interactions with the world, and most definitely with women. We tend to forget these days that, while it is true that women give birth to the world, it is also equally true that men give LIFE to the world, and without that initial spark, the world would be nothing but an empty womb. Just as a man fills his woman up with his love and inspiration, so too does a true man in all his interactions with women and the world give his eternal gift of life. Thus, the second man has forgotten what it means to be a life giving man and finds himself in a constant state of neediness, as if he was the one who receives the light and inspiration, and not the one who gives it. Which brings us to the ideal man, the man of myth and legends.

This third guy is purposefully called a man, and not a guy as in the first two examples. The third man approaches the cutie across the way (and his life in general) with a smile of authenticity. He can be direct, or not, it just depends on the situation. Or, if he's afraid to talk to her, he will disclose this fact in a charming and authentic way by saying, "I'm scared shitless, but I just had to come over here and say hello, hi, my name is..." This isn't some cheesy pickup line, and it's definitely not some "act", it's just the facts. Or, if he's feeling unhappy, he'll say this as well, there is no pretense with this man, and the woman will instantly sense this by her feminine intuition. His coolness comes only from his true authenticity, and not from some $400 shades or overpriced clothes that any boy can buy. He doesn't need her number, nor a date with her, nor even sex with her, but he would take it all if given the chance, and she knows all of this and can sense it, however she feels safe in his masculine presence. This man knows he is the spark of life, the inception of all things great and small. He knows that he is a man, and she a woman, and his only purpose is to share his gift with her and the world. And if she choses to not receive his gift, then he moves on with a wink and a smile and love in his heart, having lost nothing in return.

The third man is a man we should all inspire to be, because, even if we have a wife or partner, I can assure you gents, the game never ends, in fact, it only gets more complicated!

So let us be the light in our relationships and life.

- Be authentic to ourselves and with our partners on a day to day basis
- Speak your truth, even when you're afraid to, just like the day when you first asked her out
- Love her always and lose yourself in her, but never lose yourself to receive that love. If you are truly the light, what are you doing on the dark side of the moon?
- Never forget that YOU are the light, the inspiration and life giving force to your woman and life, thus a natural born leader
- Don't beat around the bush when you know something needs to be discussed like the first guy. She knows what you're doing, goddamnit, she alreadly knows!
- If you feel neediness creeping in, go away for a while, until you can regain your light again. Never be the second guy. Neediness is never masculine. Neediness and desire are two entirely different things
- Never forget, the mystery of life starts with you, women still need your seed and masculine spark of life (yes, even in these dark modern times).
- The sun never demands anything in return, but gives its gifts freely to the world. Be the sun in all your interactions with women and life
- Never give to get, just give and see if it's received in return. If not, walk away to shine your beam of light on another mountain peak. Light beams don't get pissed by drifting clouds.

In the end, the game never ends, until the sun gives out its last and dying breath.

 

[Androg]

Great imagery...of men as the vitally important spark of life. And how neediness interferes with the potential to share that spark.

 

[swimmer97]

A blondie post is always a daily highlight.

I am not a women but from my own trial and error when it comes to approaching women i can say this is 100% truth. At least when it comes to the women i want.

 

[Blondie]

Day 516

Glad you guys liked it @Androg and @swimmer97.

I've slept well the last three or four nights, so I'm definitely starting to feel normal again. I've pretty much made it to my special day, so this weekend is nothing but a celebration (with much homework) of being further along than I've ever been. I can't believe I'm almost here, but it's true. I literally signed up to RN just to help me get to this point. Obviously I want to go further (and I will), but it was here that I couldn't wrap my head around getting back to, thus, my limiting beliefs were holding me back. What you've done once you can do again. Whether that's been 3 days, 10 days, 90 or 517 days, you CAN do it again, you just have to get over yourself and your limiting beliefs.

I'm heading out the door right now to read a book in my favorite coffee shop, then swing by the hardware store on the way home to buy shit to unclog a bathtub.

It's looking to be a good day.

You all have a great porn-free weekend!

 

[chap]

Day 515

I'm glad you like that @swimmer97. I'm not sure what you mean by "conquered by expense" but I was referring to guys and being authentic in their situations with the fairer sex. This was what I was thinking.

Imagine three guys who want to talk to a cutie across the way but they all approach her differently.

The first guy walks up to her and starts a conversation, but he's so scared to speak his mind, that he either tries to act cool or, just talks about random stuff (the weather, coffee, his job, or worse, his pay raise, etc.) without actually getting to the point of why he came to her in the first place - because he was attracted to her! The woman naturally knows all of this, and after a while excuses herself with an innocent and understandable reason. Now this guy wasn't terrible, but he wasn't terribly attractive either. Obviously, he should be commended for actually engaging with a real woman and using his sexual energy for good and not porn. However, he made some grave mistakes. He was utterly inauthentic in this interaction, both to himself and to her. He was either trying to be "cool" and not speak his mind, or, he was just a bloody wanker talking about the stupidest shit and bored her to death, especially since she knows why he was there in the first place. You could categorize this guy as having a directionless masculine presence. He was needy too, but not as bad as the next more 'manly' guy.

The second guy is definitely more manly, but in all the worst traits of that term. He approaches the woman more directly than the other guy and is utterly at "ease' with himself and maybe with her as well. He can ask for her number, ask for a date, and it often works, however, his whole presence is off to many women, especially more feminine women. Although he has more of the so called "masculine type", he also gives off a needy energy that drives the best women away, because his whole persona has a taking vibe to it, which is far away from the life giving vibe of true masculinity. This man is not there to truly enjoy her, nor is he there to enjoy the moment, he is only there to get something from her, either a number, a date, sex, or marriage by next Christmas. Thus his "charm" is always predicated on some future result and wish, and if not granted, he becomes an entirely different person, and sometimes in a very bad way. This needy energy is life destroying, and many women are rightly repulsed by this type of guy, even though he can be "charming" at first notice and might even have a so called "high notch" count. In the end, this guy can't be charged with being inauthentic like the first guy, because he does speak his mind and is direct in his intentions, however, he CAN be charged with being inauthentic to his true masculine core.

Ture masculinity is life giving in all its forms and interactions with the world, and most definitely with women. We tend to forget these days that, while it is true that women give birth to the world, it is also equally true that men give LIFE to the world, and without that initial spark, the world would be nothing but an empty womb. Just as a man fills his woman up with his love and inspiration, so too does a true man in all his interactions with women and the world give his eternal gift of life. Thus, the second man has forgotten what it means to be a life giving man and finds himself in a constant state of neediness, as if he was the one who receives the light and inspiration, and not the one who gives it. Which brings us to the ideal man, the man of myth and legends.

This third guy is purposefully called a man, and not a guy as in the first two examples. The third man approaches the cutie across the way (and his life in general) with a smile of authenticity. He can be direct, or not, it just depends on the situation. Or, if he's afraid to talk to her, he will disclose this fact in a charming and authentic way by saying, "I'm scared shitless, but I just had to come over here and say hello, hi, my name is..." This isn't some cheesy pickup line, and it's definitely not some "act", it's just the facts. Or, if he's feeling unhappy, he'll say this as well, there is no pretense with this man, and the woman will instantly sense this by her feminine intuition. His coolness comes only from his true authenticity, and not from some $400 shades or overpriced clothes that any boy can buy. He doesn't need her number, nor a date with her, nor even sex with her, but he would take it all if given the chance, and she knows all of this and can sense it, however she feels safe in his masculine presence. This man knows he is the spark of life, the inception of all things great and small. He knows that he is a man, and she a woman, and his only purpose is to share his gift with her and the world. And if she choses to not receive his gift, then he moves on with a wink and a smile and love in his heart, having lost nothing in return.

The third man is a man we should all inspire to be, because, even if we have a wife or partner, I can assure you gents, the game never ends, in fact, it only gets more complicated!

So let us be the light in our relationships and life.

- Be authentic to ourselves and with our partners on a day to day basis
- Speak your truth, even when you're afraid to, just like the day when you first asked her out
- Love her always and lose yourself in her, but never lose yourself to receive that love. If you are truly the light, what are you doing on the dark side of the moon?
- Never forget that YOU are the light, the inspiration and life giving force to your woman and life, thus a natural born leader
- Don't beat around the bush when you know something needs to be discussed like the first guy. She knows what you're doing, goddamnit, she alreadly knows!
- If you feel neediness creeping in, go away for a while, until you can regain your light again. Never be the second guy. Neediness is never masculine. Neediness and desire are two entirely different things
- Never forget, the mystery of life starts with you, women still need your seed and masculine spark of life (yes, even in these dark modern times).
- The sun never demands anything in return, but gives its gifts freely to the world. Be the sun in all your interactions with women and life
- Never give to get, just give and see if it's received in return. If not, walk away to shine your beam of light on another mountain peak. Light beams don't get pissed by drifting clouds.

In the end, the game never ends, until the sun gives out its last and dying breath.

my mind exploded by your wisdom. truly insightful!

 

[Blondie]

Day 517

Thank you everyone for all your help and encouragement over this last year, I don't think I could have done it without you. I won't say much today, because words wouldn't be enough to express how I feel.

Whatever I do today, I promise to go out and enjoy both the good and the bad, because no life is full or complete, without living and experiencing both.

Porn, the killer of all antonyms, thus the killer of everything that makes us human.

Love you all

 

[Hunter_]

Congratulations on reaching the impressive milestone of 517 days! Your perseverance and commitment to self-improvement are inspiring, and your achievement serves as a reminder to us all that with hard work and determination, we can overcome any challenge. Keep up the great work brother.

 

[GBS]

It’s a big day. Many congratulations. I am in awe of this achievement.

Got a question for you - there is a mantra of many recovering addicts, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, whatevs ….that says don’t look further than the next day. Just take it one step at a time. Whilst I have found it helpful, I also find it very slightly soul destroying and patronising. I think one needs to look ahead. Indeed I look at what you have achieved and it spurs me on. I also have noted when you’ve had flatlines and down/weird periods, and whilst it is hard to hear that there’s some bumps in the road coming, I think it’s phenomenally helpful to hear the reality.

Knowing what’s coming, makes facing it all so much easier. Then of course, there’s the many upsides too……care to comment?

Your friend

 

[PeterNguyen]

Hi @Blondie, may I ask how your life was like before nofap?

 

[Ezel]

I'm not surprised at all Blondie, i always knew you had it in you brother. Congratulations man, I'm so happy for you. I can't put it into words, but I'm feeling like it was me who made this record come true.
Maybe one day, who knows.
I hope you stick around and don't leave the forum since I see that you overcome this filth that we are all battling. Correct me if I'm wrong.
I know one day we have to go our separate ways, but we will always remember you, as a man of his word, he tells it and he does it.
And today's record is the proof.
Keep doing your thing captain . You are changing lives left and right.
Peace and love.
See you around.

 

[Blondie]

Day 518

Thanks @chap, I'm glad you could get something out of it.

Keep killing it.

Thanks @Hunter_

your achievement serves as a reminder to us all that with hard work and determination, we can overcome any challenge.

Yes, I'm nothing special, I'm just a regular dude, thus, this beast can be slayed.

Best brother!

Got a question for you - there is a mantra of many recovering addicts, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, whatevs ….that says don’t look further than the next day. Just take it one step at a time. Whilst I have found it helpful, I also find it very slightly soul destroying and patronising.

That's a good question @GBS. Yes I don't really agree with that either, that is, not for myself, but if it works for others great! I can't tell if you're referring to counting days, or just in general, but here is my thoughts. For me, this is one of those contradictions in recovery, where it's good to see things on both a macro AND a micro level and not lose sight of each in the process. I'm always saying take it one day at a time, and it's true, and sometimes, we need to take it one hour at a time if we're really struggling. However, I also need those long term goals to keep me motivated and in the game. Thus, I count days, I have monthly goals in mind, and I keep track of big days like yesterday because those are gigantic milestones in my recovery. These things keep me motivated and wanting to go further in my journey. Unless you've never had even two days clean (Hey I've been there, don't feel bad!) going day by day is not very inspiring in the long run. Furthermore, I noticed when I had my big relapse years ago, as a way to protect my ego, I suddenly thought it best NOT to count days, because it was just too hard to bear if I was to relapse again. Ironically enough, with this new mindset came more relapses, because I was concerned more with protecting my ego, than actually getting over this addiction once and for all. Now, does that mean everyone who relapses or doesn't count days is protecting their ego? No, of course not, however, as for me, I've found that often was the underlying psychology going on. Thus, my tagline Do we truly want to quit, or are we only pretending to? Which, said in another way, would be, are we only giving a 90% effort to quit porn, so in case we do fail, our egos won't be hurt so bad?

Furthermore, what does it mean to never look at porn again when you've been looking at it your entire life? That's not an actionable goal. I might die tomorrow crossing the street, or in fifty years while having sex in a retirement home, either way, that is not a real goal. However, staying porn-free for the next three weeks till I get myself a year and half clean, that IS something I can work on, day by day, and week by week.

I'm not sure if that's what you were asking for, but that's my philosophy.

Love you Sir.

Hi @PeterNguyen

Hi @Blondie, may I ask how your life was like before nofap?

My life was fine, certainly better than many others, but more often than not, full of many regrets. I was an angry man, hiding under a simulacrum of practiced charm, while deeply hurting inside from a lot a childhood pain. Often I would use porn to forget about that pain, instead of working on myself to become a man I knew I could be deep down inside. Then one day, about five years ago, after another vacuous session of digital 1s and 0s, I decided "Fuck this shit, I'm over it!", and told my girlfriend that night to keep me accountable. It hasn't been a perfect streak, but my life is tenfold better than it was before.

It all starts with a decision

Best to you Peter.

Thank you @Ezel!

I can't put it into words, but I'm feeling like it was me who made this record come true.

Dude, you burned my boat stashed with my shity porn! Thus, when I say Porn is Not Option for me, it literally is true. I'm still kind of pissed at you. I mean I understand the porn, but my beautiful boat too??

I hope you stick around and don't leave the forum since I see that you overcome this filth that we are all battling. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Don't worry brother, I will definitely be here to annoy you for a while yet, at least till I pass my two years.

Peace and love to you.

Love

 

[GBS]

You covered it. Good answer. My point was less about counting days more about a quick peep at the map of what lies ahead. The various treasure troves, the difficult (even dark) periods, libido swings, flatline, penis issues. It’s all brand new to us. And we’re this tiny percentage of males who are treading this path. I had no idea what was in store. Part of me is thrilled I didn’t know because the surprise is truly the elixir. But when I had moments of darkness and serious flatline, it was terrifying going day by day. I need to know this will end, and when. What will next month be like. So I was blessed to know you were 6 months ahead of me and I knew things were good for you but not perfect. It helped me so much to know about the difficult bits almost more than the good bits. I hope that doesn’t sound dark Or rude. I couldn’t bear your suffering but I knew you had to fight through, and I know, even though we’re not identical twins with identical pasts, that I will face some shit too. We shall overcome.

You have (past tense).

 

[Blondie]

Day 519

Thank you @GBS, yes that makes more sense, and I agree with all of that as well.

I hope that doesn’t sound dark Or rude. I couldn’t bear your suffering but I knew you had to fight through,

Not at all Sir. I completely understand what you mean.

We shall overcome.

Yes we shall.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Damn sorry I missed your big Day 517 man!! I've been off the site for a few days just figuring some stuff out, so sorry. Very, very happy for you man -- you're beating your own personal records which is all any man can ask for. And every day you're improving that record even more! Never, ever look back my friend -- just keep on going upwards. Life will be hard sometimes, there will be pressures and stresses, but remember how far you've come and how many more possibilities the world has opened up for you and continue onwards!

 

[Blondie]

Day 520

Damn sorry I missed your big Day 517 man!! I've been off the site for a few days just figuring some stuff out, so sorry.

No apologies needed @First_step_thousand_miles, I hope you got whatever you were doing figured out.

And every day you're improving that record even more!

Yeah it is pretty cool. I thought that too as I just wrote Day 520, "damn, I've never seen that before". But, if I've learned anything from the past, now is not the time to get complacent, I can tell by my mental state that I'm not out of the woods just yet. I remember last time I got past a year, which is obviously a great accomplishment, I started not really caring as much, and in some ways, thinking I was "Over it". Well, we all know that wasn't the case, and five months later, I was back to my old ways.

Where is the balance between indulging in one's successes while still being ever watchful for one's all too familiar vices? I don't know the answer to that question just yet, but I need to figure that out because I am in new territory now. Which is both awesome and scary at the same time.

I'm three weeks out from a year and a half, and this time I will make it.

But I'm not quite on the summit just yet and there's definitely some obstacles that will need to be maneuvered around.