Blondie
Respected Member
Day 603
Good news: I've lost about 5 lb. over this last week with my dieting plan. This might be a little too extreme though so I'm going to tone it down a little, I don't want to lose that 1 1/2 pounds of muscle I gained over the spring.
However, this morning my pants fit just a little better and that made me very happy. I know my horse will thank me! 
Bad news: I think my mind is still pretty fucked on porn. I still get these moments of sexual noise in my head where I want to act out, that is, in the real world, thus, I have to restrain myself and reel it in, especially in my thought patterns. I think it's fair to say I'm a pretty virile man and I've always loved the ladies. To be honest, porn has often been a way for me to negotiate my struggles with being monogamous during this relationship, or, so I told myself and her. I know all of these temptations are "normal" for most men, and I think that is true for myself and my natural disposition for curvaceous delights. However, I do wonder how much my brain is still somewhat fucked from all this shit, even past 600 days porn free. And since I overthink things, well, I'm over thinking it...
It's crazy, my girlfriend is so beautiful and our sex life is great and more frequent than most couples I know, however, I still find myself thinking two thoughts. The first being, I can't believe she is the only woman I've seen naked over these last 600 days (besides figure drawing models), and secondly, I can't believe I won't SEE or BE with another woman for the rest of my life. I think the former thought is still my porn pathways fucking me up and giving me one hellish last firefight, the latter however is probably me being just a man and will always be that way. Then I ask myself, well, what should you do then, break up with your current lady and have some fun while you still can? But I'm too old to be chasing women like I'm in my twenties, and hell, I don't think I would recommend that for anyone, life is more important than chasing women. So then I think to myself, okay, so if I don't chase women and just pick another one, well fuck, I'll still just end up with only ONE woman!
Will this madness ever end? Will I ever be content? Is monogamy just not my thing? What am I even searching for in these thoughts? I do not truthfully know the answers, I'm just putting them here because it feels good.
And following that train of thought, sometimes I think, well, is there something "missing" in my current partner that I can't put my finger on, and THAT makes me think about other women more than I should? Thus, should I break up with her and find something better for me? However, then this thought (fear?) overcomes me, and I find myself thinking, am I still too close to ground zero to even know that answer truthfully? How can I make a good and logical decision when my porn demon still gives me shit sometimes?
Just random thoughts for today. But now it's time to get back to work.
Either way, porn is not an option, cheating is not an option, and perhaps, overthinking should not be an option either.
You all have a good Tuesday, and fuck fuck fuck porn!
Good news: I've lost about 5 lb. over this last week with my dieting plan. This might be a little too extreme though so I'm going to tone it down a little, I don't want to lose that 1 1/2 pounds of muscle I gained over the spring.

Bad news: I think my mind is still pretty fucked on porn. I still get these moments of sexual noise in my head where I want to act out, that is, in the real world, thus, I have to restrain myself and reel it in, especially in my thought patterns. I think it's fair to say I'm a pretty virile man and I've always loved the ladies. To be honest, porn has often been a way for me to negotiate my struggles with being monogamous during this relationship, or, so I told myself and her. I know all of these temptations are "normal" for most men, and I think that is true for myself and my natural disposition for curvaceous delights. However, I do wonder how much my brain is still somewhat fucked from all this shit, even past 600 days porn free. And since I overthink things, well, I'm over thinking it...
It's crazy, my girlfriend is so beautiful and our sex life is great and more frequent than most couples I know, however, I still find myself thinking two thoughts. The first being, I can't believe she is the only woman I've seen naked over these last 600 days (besides figure drawing models), and secondly, I can't believe I won't SEE or BE with another woman for the rest of my life. I think the former thought is still my porn pathways fucking me up and giving me one hellish last firefight, the latter however is probably me being just a man and will always be that way. Then I ask myself, well, what should you do then, break up with your current lady and have some fun while you still can? But I'm too old to be chasing women like I'm in my twenties, and hell, I don't think I would recommend that for anyone, life is more important than chasing women. So then I think to myself, okay, so if I don't chase women and just pick another one, well fuck, I'll still just end up with only ONE woman!
Will this madness ever end? Will I ever be content? Is monogamy just not my thing? What am I even searching for in these thoughts? I do not truthfully know the answers, I'm just putting them here because it feels good.
And following that train of thought, sometimes I think, well, is there something "missing" in my current partner that I can't put my finger on, and THAT makes me think about other women more than I should? Thus, should I break up with her and find something better for me? However, then this thought (fear?) overcomes me, and I find myself thinking, am I still too close to ground zero to even know that answer truthfully? How can I make a good and logical decision when my porn demon still gives me shit sometimes?
Just random thoughts for today. But now it's time to get back to work.
Either way, porn is not an option, cheating is not an option, and perhaps, overthinking should not be an option either.
You all have a good Tuesday, and fuck fuck fuck porn!
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