Day 610
Thanks
@Ezel, keep killing it brother and keep burning down those boats!



The science around our neurochemicals in our brains is still in stone age time. I wonder what is possible / is known in 100years from now. I wonder if porn is treated more like hard drugs especially for peoeple below 18.
Hey
@swimmer97, yes, who knows, hopefully at that time they will start treating it like the problem it actually is and not just ignore it. And you're right about the science behind this, we really are just on the tip of the iceberg when it comes to knowledge of this stuff.
GL on your weight loss journey. Please keep us updated. Keep killing
Thanks man, I will.
I'd like to return to the issue of habituation...because it seems vital to know if there's a solution to the conundrum. If there isn't and the only option is to remain miserably horny all the time - in or out of a relationship - then it's harder to rationalize stepping away from porn use/promiscuity (as a short-term goal)...even though there are unquestionable personal benefits from stepping away from them in the longer term.
Hey
@Androg, I would definitely agree, there needs to be a solution here in one way or another. I would say though that the "horniness" I was talking about recently was still porn induced, which I think has subsided a little over the last few days. I'm still horny like always, but I'm doing okay, what was going on there (the last week or so) was definitely the old porn pathways coming back for a moment and sexualizing everything, which is still surprising this far out but not that crazy.
For one thing, turnover in relationships is exhausting and distracting despite the thrills of seduction/being seduced. It gets in the way of more meaningful contributions or one's life's work, whatever it may be.
Yes and yes. And the energy just thinking about it is mind numbing. I hate to think how much time I've lost thinking and over analyzing this relationship and what I should or should not do about it.
My hunch is that the only way past the screaming insistence of our mating neurochemistry and its plans for our love lives is to incorporate into our partnerships some higher purpose, whether it be, for example, service to others or clearer spiritual perception. If the relationship is primarily based on pursuit of passion (physical gratification), with or without conservation of sexual energy, then the outcome is likely to be stagnation...or pursuit of more passion/dopamine as we try in vain to scratch our itch. And we know sexual novelty reliably raises dopamine, so it will remain on the menu, creating restlessness.
I agree with this too. Any kind of pleasure in the moment, if it removes pleasure and contentment in the future, is really not true pleasure in the truest sense of the term. I don't think I would leave this relationship just to "get some!" although yes, that's tempting sometimes when you have the option, and yes I know you're not implying that. And I also see and understand that sex is just one of the many pleasures of life and it's not the meaning of it, and we need some higher purpose than just having fun with our cocks out.
I mention this only because your service to this forum is so inspiring. It's clear that part of you is reaching for this kind of larger service anyway. Is your current partner someone with whom you could engage in some larger, joint project? If not, perhaps that is the cause of your restlessness, rather than mere sexual novelty. In any case, I wouldn't jump ship until you have a clear idea of what your life purpose is and how she may, or may not, fit into it, or you may well be on a distracting merry-go-round rather than a path to greater contentment.
I think this last paragraph is my main "problem" and it's what I need to figure out, although to be honest I'm really tired of trying to "figure" this out, that is, the relationship part. As far as my purpose goes, that is also a work in progress but it is becoming more clear these days. What I'm going to school for is definitely a passion of mine, and I should be able to get a job with it afterwards, although I'm still not 100% sure that will be my main thing for the long run. One of my main problems is that I still don't have a clear vision of what I want just yet, although I know I'm heading in the right direction. I'm kind of a late bloomer to be honest, both by personality and because of circumstances from my childhood, which I won't be getting into here. Needless to say, although I'm forty and more mature than most of my peers at school, in some ways, I feel I'm in the same situation in life as many of them, that is, just trying to figure out life for the first time and not being stuck at some shit job, although I'm not under any delusions that anyone ever has it completely "figured" out. I don't feel bad about this truth
per se, but it is the truth of the matter and it was one of the driving factors of my porn habit in my 30s, just feeling sorry for myself and my situation. Of course, on the flipside, I don't really know if many of the things 'society' or 'people' care about are really my cup of tea, that is, marriage, a large savings account, a house, kids and a white picket fence. There's nothing wrong with those things
per se, but they've never been terribly important to me, possibly because of my previously mentioned circumstances, but also from my own values which I hold very dear to my heart. But this leads me to my relationship, and what I should or should not do.
I'm well aware that it's hard to have a future with someone, when you don't even know yet what your future has in store for yourself! Fortunately or unfortunately, by my very nature, I've always liked to keep my options open, and I don't mean just with women, I mean everything: jobs and future career prospects, my ideas and philosophy and what I believe or don't, my interests and hobbies, and most importantly, my precious time, and what I want to do with it. Intellectually speaking, there hasn't been a road I haven't been down or at least considered for a moment, imagine that mind when it comes to choosing a woman? And like I said, I HAVE figured out a general direction of where I'm heading, but it's not a straight line from point A to point B or due north for that matter, no
, it's more like a sweeping range in a north-westerly direction, with every mountain peak and valley being explored along the way. What can I say, I'm an artist at heart, and if I forced myself to not be this way (and believe me I've tried!) I wouldn't be me. But yes, this disposition of mine can make it extremely frustrating to know what I believe about anything, much less, what woman I should settle down with, that is, if I even what to settle down.
I think it would be great to have a life mission and share it with someone, my problem is, I'm still working on that mission to some extent, and I'm still trying to figure out who that someone should be. Maybe it's her (she is wonderful!) and I'm just stuck in the porn brain that's making my natural disposition go ever crazier with "female possibilities", or maybe I know the answer and I'm just using porn now as an excuse. However, considering how fucked and sexualized my mind was just a few days ago (not horny) the situation is slightly complicated. A couple of months ago, I thought I might actually need to leave this relationship, but now I'm not so sure.
I've been to several weddings over the last few years, and I always find myself asking,
how the fuck to people do that? That is, walk down the aisle so giddy and ridiculously happy.
Don't they know there's a 50% chance it won't work out? Do they not see if this was a business investment it would be considered the stupidest business decision ever? Don't they know someone will probably cheat or want to during the modern world's insane life expectancy rates? Don't they know that one of them statistically speaking is more likely than not just settling down because of fears of being alone and NOT because of something called "love" or "having found the one"? Don't they know that monogamy might have worked when we all died at the age of 60, but not with the future predictions of brain, heart and 12" cock transplants at the age of 160? Do they not realize that modern marriage is just a clusterfuck of Disney bullshit, Hallmark and Consumer Capitalism, with many men just wanting to lock down sex for "love" and quite a few women wanting the "wedding" but not the actual marriage?
Then I get all heartsick when thinking about this shit, and wonder how could it be that a guy so romantic as myself, would also be cursed with overthinking such matters!
Welcome to my brain
Thanks again for the post. It really meant a lot.