Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

I don't know if you guys have ever checked out Recovery Nation, but it has many great free resources on recovery from porn, or addiction in general. I know it's helped me out tremendously over the years. Its method is very much a values based recovery, and not just focusing on "quitting porn" but "starting life" and clarifying the values that can actually make that happen for the you. I've never been one to think there's only "one way" to get over this crap, but its philosophy has much to admire. Anyway, check it out.

To give you a taste of it, here's the introduction to the free workshop. Words that are in bold are my doing.

Best

"If this is a workshop about addiction recovery, why are we spending so much time talking about health?"

You may already know the answer to this question, but it cannot be said enough; addiction and health are not separate, conflicting entities — they exist at opposite ends of a single continuum. Addiction is not keeping you from living a healthy life. It is not the reason that you are struggling. Even the consequences of your addiction are not the reason that you are struggling...though it is easy to perceive them as such. No, your addiction and its consequences are merely symptoms; the reason you are struggling is because you have yet to learn how to manage your life in a healthy way. It has been your life skill deficiencies that have fueled the 'shortcuts' you have taken to manage your emotions. Shortcuts that provide immediate emotional stimulation (which is good); but to the detriment of your long-term health (which is cumulatively very, very bad). When these shortcuts become ingrained as your primary emotional management strategy, you can consider yourself as having an addiction. But note: it was not the addiction that triggered the life crisis...it was the lack of healthy life management skills that triggered the addiction.

It is vital that you understand this, because without such a realization...you are voluntarily choosing to stick your head in the sand and thus, remain powerless to actually manage your life. Ignorance breeds powerlessness. By neglecting to learn the natural and logical process of addiction, it is the addiction itself that is empowered — often to the point of self-perceived helplessness. Ignorance breeds fear. Fear in recovery is like a match to gasoline. You may be reading this and thinking to yourself, "I've been in recovery for twenty years; how could I possibly be ignorant?!" Relax, the ignorance is not being addressed as a personal weakness; it is being addressed as fact. Your ignorance in recovery has been perpetuated by a recovery community's good intentions, but lack of vision. In such a place, recovery becomes a process of following. Of reaction. Of equating abstinence with health. But health is not abstinence. Health is so much more. Health is anchored by knowledge, experience and confidence. It is both proactive and reactive. In a healthy recovery, YOU become the leader of your life — not the follower. And certainly not a subordinate to some behavioral pattern that has developed in your life.

Just as you currently lack the ability to manage your life through healthy, constructive means, you also lack the skills to permanently end your addiction. That is okay. For simplicity, the following will be assumed: You want...but you lack the knowledge to achieve. You need...but you lack the confidence to do. You try...but you lack the vision to succeed. And that is what the remainder of this lesson is about: establishing the vision you will need to succeed.

Not our vision. Your vision.

 

[Blondie]

Day 698
32 days to two years
38 cold showers

 

[Blondie]

Day 699
31 days to two years
39 cold showers

 

[Blondie]

People who struggle to commit themselves to a vision for their life are really struggling with one of the most fundamental issues there is to struggle with: their own mortality - Jon Marsh

I've been thinking a lot about this recently, that is, my struggles to define where I'm going in life. It's a product of immaturity to think you always have another chance around the corner: another girl, another relationship, another career path, another day to get your shit together, another country to move to etc. Maybe it's a product of this terrible addiction of constantly living in delusions? Thus, instead of making some choices that will define me for the rest of my life, I just go on autopilot and choose to keep my options open. I think my highest value thus far in life has always been "freedom" or "independence" (I know, how cowboy and American of me), however, I'm beginning to wonder if freedom without any real depth or mastery in certain areas of my life is really all that free or enjoyable. Because, to be honest, what freedom often means to me is having no plan(s) for the future, thus, leaving me open to daily decisions based upon my feelings, without a longer reaching goal in mind. We all know an addicted life is a chaotic life, full to the brim of decisions based only on the here and now, and never with any future happiness even on the radar. Maybe, focusing on what we actually want in life, and clarifying that, instead of what we don't want, that is, porn, could naturally solve this problem for us.

Do any of you guys actually know what you want out of your life? Do you even know what your greatest values and mission are? Do I even know this? Because if your greatest mission in life is to never look at porn again, that's not a real mission, although indeed a worthy goal. A good life is NOT defined by what you DON'T do, a good life is defined BY WHAT YOU DO AND VALUE. Because I can tell you straight up that, even though I'm almost two years clean, I still feel mostly like the old Blondie inside, still living with his old and rusty paradigms. Of course, I have changed to some extent, yes don't get me wrong, but there is still much chaos in my life, and many decisions based on my feelings at the moment, with no real plan for the future, and hell, often open hostility to even make one.

A mature tree needs deep roots (values, goals and life mission) to sustain a raging storm, and those tress that are free from such burdens, will be the first to fall when that inevitable storm starts to brew. I feel like a sapling sometimes who's starting to grow some roots, but a sapling all the same.

I need to learn how to go all in in my life.

To go all in with my relationship with my Lady

To go all in with my relationships with my friends and peers AND PARENTS!

To go all in with my career and schooling

To go all in with my future and financial goals

Of course, I'm still free to change my mind if things are not working out, that is true freedom, but I have to go all the way IN first and fight like hell before making that decision. Otherwise, when the storm hits me, I'll have nothing substantial to fall back on besides my old psychopathic friend PORN.

You all have a great porn-free Sunday.

 

[Blondie]

Day 700!
30 days to a year
40 cold showers

 

[Androg]

Congrats on another major mile stone!

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 700!
30 days to a year
40 cold showers

I can hear the good, the bad and the ugly theme song playing! 30 till 2 years. Legend!

 

[GBS]

Fuck me 700 is a huge number. Genuine question follows: complacency aside, do you still see this as one day at a time or have you moved on to a place where you’d be almost happy to say you’re through the hard bit of recovery?

And in your piece further above you wrote….

I'm beginning to wonder if freedom without any real depth or mastery in certain areas of my life is really all that free or enjoyable. Because, to be honest, what freedom often means to me is having no plan(s) for the future, thus, leaving me open to daily decisions based upon my feelings, without a longer reaching goal in mind.

I have re-read this several times. On first reading I thought…yeah, bang on Blondie…then I had a further thought….it is a laudable goal to have plans for the future and not live life with the freedom of youth forever, but at the same time, I think being “sorted” is firstly dangerously smug, secondly open possibly to inflexibility, and thirdly unless one is careful can lead one into a state of over-structure. I think what I’m saying is I agree that maturity should bring structure but be jolly careful you don’t do it because you read it in a book (not saying you did btw).

Oh….you’re a hero….did I say that before?

 

[swimmer97]

Day 700!
30 days to a year
40 cold showers

Wow Congrats brother, what an achievement keep killing

 

[Blondie]

Day 701
29 days to two years
41 cold showers

Thanks @Androg, @EarthWalker, @GBS and @swimmer97.

GBS, I'll get back to you with your question when I can.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 700!
30 days to a year
40 cold showers

My man! Absolutely crushing it, very proud of you. What an incredible accomplishment, I'm psyched to see you get to 2yrs and after that it's 1000 and then we are never looking back

 

[Blondie]

Thanks Brother @First_step_thousand_miles, I appreciate it!

I'm psyched to see you get to 2yrs and after that it's 1000 and then we are never looking back

I cannot wait.

Random thought, RN is now sending me emails notifications again, it hasn't done that in eight months.

 

[Blondie]

Day 702
28 days to two years
42 cold showers

Back to you @GBS.

Genuine question follows: complacency aside, do you still see this as one day at a time or have you moved on to a place where you’d be almost happy to say you’re through the hard bit of recovery?

This recovery is still one day at a time for me, especially the last few weeks. I say this because of the slight temptations I've had here and there over the last while, which has surprised me to some extent, I haven't had urges since I've started this streak. But maybe this makes sense, urges start to come when you've really gone well past your previous record, be that 10 days, 90 days or a year and a half. Plus, the emotional state I've been in has put me through the ringer, so maybe I should stop being so hard on myself. It is what it is. But yes, the hardest part of my recovery has just started for me, probably because I've starting to face many of the issues that have made me run to porn in the first place.

I have re-read this several times. On first reading I thought…yeah, bang on Blondie…then I had a further thought….it is a laudable goal to have plans for the future and not live life with the freedom of youth forever, but at the same time, I think being “sorted” is firstly dangerously smug, secondly open possibly to inflexibility, and thirdly unless one is careful can lead one into a state of over-structure. I think what I’m saying is I agree that maturity should bring structure but be jolly careful you don’t do it because you read it in a book (not saying you did btw).

I see what you're saying here, and I agree with it, no one should be "sorted" without any flexibility in their future. However, what I meant by this was that it's good to lean into your values and goals, and go all in in whatever you've decided to do in life, be that, your relationship, career, being a good dad, being religious, whatever it is that you value. Obviously, you can always change your goals if things aren't working out, a relationship for instance that's not giving you what you want, but only after you've given it your best shot, and have not been complacent.

Obviously I'm talking about myself here, because that's something I've had a problem with in my life. For example, have I really gone all in in my relationship with my Lady, if my definition of going all in is just NOT putting my dick in someone else or not looking at porn? The answer is of course NO, there's a whole lot more to a relationship than just not doing those things, though that's a start for sure. Sitting on the fence perpetually is what I'm referring to and it's something I've been guilty of in many sections of my life over the years: career path, relationships, important decisions etc. Why do I this? I'm not quite sure, maybe it's out of a fear of admitting that if I really commit to something, to one road, that means I will have to acknowledge that there's only so many roads one can take in this life, which is really admitting my mortality. Thus, choosing a path and going all the way in is really deciding NOT to live in fantasyland for the rest of my life. And Fantasyland is what us porn addicts love, thus, the reason why I think it's important to take a hard look at yourself and ask, am I half-assing anything in my life, and why?

I've been reading material at Recovery Nation, which has been very helpful to my recovery over the years, check it out if you've never been there. The first five lessons in the workshop is where a lot of this is coming from. It's all free too by the way.

Best Sir.

 

[Blondie]

Day 703
27 days to two years
43 cold showers
6 days no O

 

[GBS]

see what you're saying here, and I agree with it, no one should be "sorted" without any flexibility in their future. However, what I meant by this was that it's good to lean into your values and goals, and go all in in whatever you've decided to do in life, be that, your relationship, career, being a good dad, being religious, whatever it is that you value. Obviously, you can always change your goals if things aren't working out, a relationship for instance that's not giving you what you want, but only after you've given it your best shot, and have not been complacent.

Obviously I'm talking about myself here, because that's something I've had a problem with in my life. For example, have I really gone all in in my relationship with my Lady, if my definition of going all in is just NOT putting my dick in someone else or not looking at porn? The answer is of course NO, there's a whole lot more to a relationship than just not doing those things, though that's a start for sure. Sitting on the fence perpetually is what I'm referring to and it's something I've been guilty of in many sections of my life over the years: career path, relationships, important decisions etc.

Ok. I think we’re in agreement. I think the potential of an all in attitude is everything, just I would recommend a dose of chilling too. There is a poem by Rudyard Kipling called “If”, you possibly know it. It’s good but I wince at some of it. Going to try and copy/paste a bit…

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!


The thing is (and there’s more in this poem), it isn’t possible to do that lot, nor is it wise to stick all your money on red, or indeed not be able to be hurt by a friend….so I sometimes think being a real man is about being yourself and committing to that. Committing to try hard, as hard as you can…..forgive and hope you will be forgiven. But be yourself…..which is what, dear @Blondie , I think you are.

 

[Blondie]

Ok. I think we’re in agreement. I think the potential of an all in attitude is everything, just I would recommend a dose of chilling too. There is a poem by Rudyard Kipling called “If”, you possibly know it. It’s good but I wince at some of it.

Thanks friend, I would agree with this. That is a great poem and I have read it, and yes, at moments, a little cheesy, but nothing wrong with that.

Best

 

[Blondie]

I've never seen semen retention explained like this before, very fascinating. And looking over his chart, I can actually see myself in each point when I've retained it in the past. I have no idea who this guy is and I've never watched any of his other videos, so keep that in mind, but he describes the benefits very well. I'm on day six right now and I'm already feeling the call. It's amazing how quickly I forget how good I feel when not even a week out from my last nut.

 

[Blondie]

Day 704
26 days to two years
44 cold showers
7 days of no O

Yesterday I started to feel that "energy" down there again. Not a boner or anything but just that feeling of aliveness and a slight tingling in the region. Yesterday I wondered how many times in my life have I ever been even one week without orgasm, either by masturbation or sex? And as I thought about this, I think I could count all the times on my hands. That's quite the crazy fact to be honest, not because it's "wrong" to get off, especially with a real partner, but that I've never given myself much of a break from this pleasure (orgasm) since I discovered I could do it to myself twenty years ego, I'm forty now. Damn, just saying that makes me realize how innocent my childhood was! What is more, over the last ten years, I've only accomplished maybe three or possibly four periods of 60 days with no O, but I never went further than that. Furthermore, there has only been one time in these last twenty years that I've gone more than 90 days, and that was something like 8 months when I was with my second serious girlfriend. I was a Christian then so we weren't having sex and that was also the longest time at that moment in my life when I didn't look at porn either, I think I was twenty-five at the time. Sometimes I even wonder what it would be like to go full crazy and tell my Lady we should refrain from sex for three months just to see how I would feel. Tantra sex is fantastic and all, but I often go too far and eventually give in. I know this doesn't have to be the case, but so far, that's my track record. It's just too fun to say no.

Just random thoughts for today.

You all have a good porn-free Friday.

 

[GBS]

Wow…is that ever my favourite subject? Going an extended period without ejaculation. I think a vast percentage of men from there late teens onwards never go much more than a week without either having sex with a partner or masturbating. It seems unnatural. As for compulsive or addictive habitual masturbation, I think that a huge number in its own. They’re not all sex addicts perhaps but they’re habitual masturbation addicts. Millions of men literally. Tens if not hundreds of millions. Going, let’s say, 30 days without ejaculation I reckon is a test most of those hundreds of millions have never tried. Going 60 days, suddenly you’re in a tiny tiny minority. It should be prescribed by doctors. You learn so much. It is just simply free medicine, effing hard to take but phenomenally worth it.

And why don’t people do it? Several reasons-1. No backbone and don’t think they could do it so they give up before they start 2. They’ve been totally in sex Ed classes that there’s nothing wrong with masturbation so why would some tell them that when there’s a lot to be learned from the opposite? 3. Like porn too much

I know that my fantasy addled brain was probably no worse than tens or hundreds of millions of men(and a fair few women too) but I stopped compulsive (several times a week) masturbation and the difference is astonishing. No one listens to this vital message because they don’t want to listen of course.
Mate - talk to the lady, tell her a mate said it’s life affirming and you want to try. You can still do stuff, just don’t cum. Good luck.

 

[Blondie]

Day 705
25 days to two years
45 cold showers
8 days of no O

Thanks as always my friend.

Wow…is that ever my favourite subject? Going an extended period without ejaculation. I think a vast percentage of men from there late teens onwards never go much more than a week without either having sex with a partner or masturbating. It seems unnatural.

Yeah, it's something most of us don't even think about, much less ever hear from society that it might be good to do. We're supposed to be "men", thus we're supposed to fuck or whank one and blow our load everyday if not many times a day. Oddly enough, there's wasn't one time in all of history where men were supposed to do this, or even thought it would be "manly" to do so. I'm sure there has always been whankers, but not as we have now, and not with that deadliest of combinations, porn and masturbation.

They’re not all sex addicts perhaps but they’re habitual masturbation addicts. Millions of men literally. Tens if not hundreds of millions.

This is true. Yesterday as I was walking around campus I thought about this fact. I was only a week out and was alreadly feeling the feeling downstairs, and it's so much more than "horniness", it's like you're alive down there or something and that feeling (energy?) goes up and down your back. I wonder how many young men walking around yesterday had that same feeling when seeing those beautiful women walking around the university? 1% possibly? I assume most were only lusting in they're head, and not in their loins, yet they have no idea what it actually feels like to be a man, and to actually be horny when you haven't appeased your desires 24/7 . It's a sad fact indeed that I hardly felt this feeling throughout most of my twenties with my constant jacking off once I discovered the "magic" combination of porn and lotion.

Going, let’s say, 30 days without ejaculation I reckon is a test most of those hundreds of millions have never tried. Going 60 days, suddenly you’re in a tiny tiny minority. It should be prescribed by doctors. You learn so much. It is just simply free medicine, effing hard to take but phenomenally worth it.

Indeed, and yes, it really should be prescribed by doctors.

nd why don’t people do it? Several reasons-1. No backbone and don’t think they could do it so they give up before they start 2. They’ve been totally in sex Ed classes that there’s nothing wrong with masturbation so why would some tell them that when there’s a lot to be learned from the opposite? 3. Like porn too much

Yes, I think they have no backbone, but also think they don't even know about it, I sure as hell didn't. As I mentioned before, I came from a very Christian background, and even though I knew it was "wrong" to masturbate, I never heard once of the practical reasons of not doing so, or how it could ruin you as a man. That's a big social problem that needs to be fixed.

Yes, sex ed is a total joke, especially when it comes to this topic.

Us men these days are always told we are the greatest problem to society. We're too aggressive. We're too prone to violence. We're too prone to be rebels. We're too prone to be leaders. We're too prone for competition and hierarchy. We're too prone to be dangerous and to do "stupid" things. What's the one common denominator behind all those labels? It's not just your dick, or that you're a biological "man", no, it's your natural sexual energy and what you choose to do with it.

One choice makes you a bull, the other a steer. It's apparat they don't want many bulls running around these days. And there's no animal rights movement trying to protect us bulls from bullfighting either.

Best Sir.

You all have a great porn free weekend.