Porn is not an option

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 527

Day 10 no O


I don't know if I'm in a flatline or I'm just entering into a new part of my recovery, but my brain feels completely chill when in comes to women. That constant noise (sexual thoughts) I use to have definitely has gone down to practically zero. Obviously, I still notice them, but I just don't care as much as I use to.

All good in my book.
 

GBS

Respected Member
I just want you to know, dear boy, that I find this type of post strangely reassuring and extremely helpful. I get mini flatlines after my 12 months and momentarily I think I have lost something. I know it’s good, but it’s quite a trick of the mind to accept it and not be concerned.

Thank you most sincerely
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 528

Day 11


Glad I could help @GBS.
I know it’s good, but it’s quite a trick of the mind to accept it and not be concerned.
Yes we really do have to accept it. I think I've come to the point where I don't even care anymore if it's a flatline or not, because it's all good in the end and that makes me very happy.

Yesterday I noticed something interesting. A couple of weeks ago I really put some effort into this project for a class of mine. I went over and beyond what I had to do, with the goal in mind to be the best in the class, and obviously to get an A as well. Funny enough, my project was not chosen as the best and yesterday I felt surprisingly bummed about it for few hours when I heard the news, even though I still got an A. This made me think thoughts such as I should not try so hard next time if I'm not going to succeed, among other loser thoughts. However, my most interesting thought was It actually feels worse to try hard and not win than to not try at all and be average. This was the worst thought of all and it is a poison to a man if he does not watch himself. After a few hours my thoughts had calmed down and I was happy that I did put in my best effort even though I did not "Win".

What I'm trying to say with all of this, is how important it is to fight and do everything in life to the best of our abilities, work, school, getting over this addiction, and not half ass it. Because when you do put in your 100% effort towards something, and you still don't come out on top (relapse, getting a B, your crush says no), it can be really disappointing and even depressing at first, even though, soon you will be proud of yourself and will move on knowing you did your best. However, if you don't put in your best effort so as to help with the pain of possible defeat, then slowly but surely, you're life will become even more depressing and average than if you had.

I'm in a hurry, but hopefully that makes sense.

What I'm trying to say is, don't half ass it, just to save your ass from "pain".
 
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GBS

Respected Member
One of my boys plays the trumpet. He’s very good. He’s been playing for about 8 years. He got good quite quick and was in the best band at school. For several years he would say to me “I don’t care how good I am, Dad, I just want to be the best in the school, and certainly better than x (his best friend)”. I chided him for this for years without ridiculing him, saying it was surely good enough just to be brilliant. He would have none of it. Recently (he’s 17) he said to me that he knows he’s probably the best in the school but that doesn’t matter to him. He just wants to be as good a trumpeter as he can be. It was very nice to hear that.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 529

Day 12


The Lady seduced me yesterday when I came home from school. I was so tired and wasn't feeling very horny, that I was a little afraid he might not want to play. However, all was well in the end, although he did give some signs that I'm still in a mini flatline, because he wasn't quite as hard as usual, I'd say 95%.

It's crazy, a full year and half out and still seeing slight effects from this nonsense. I know there are various opinions around these parts, about the maturity of giving a fuck about whether your dick is healthy or not. Some say you shouldn't care at all and only care about the damage you've done to your relationship. Others have no problem with it per se, but state recovery is more than just a phallic one. As for myself, I would agree with all of these, but then add, why does recovery have to be one or the other, why can't it be all of these and more? Recovery is not a one-way street. Nor are all relationships the same. Everyone's situation is very different.

Try telling the kid who's never had sex or even a girlfriend before, that his porn infested shriveled dick shouldn't matter to him. Of course it matters! It's one of the very things that defines him as a man, and he should feel no shame in that. It is not immature of him to want to get his dick and mojo back. Obviously, for a man who is in a relationship, it's a much more complicated situation, but even still, there's nothing wrong with him wanting to get his libido back, while wanting to mend things with his wife, yet knowing his recovery is more than all of those two things combined. What I'm trying to say is, recovery is not a black and white process, but it's a multifaceted one, and every situation and timeline, not to mention each individual person, might call for something different.

As for myself, one of the reasons I often mention my progress downstairs, is because it's the only means I have to actually peer into my brain and see the healing that is taking place. Besides for this, there's no other way to measure my progress. Even counting days doesn't really show my true progress, because, as I've come to learn, not all 90 days are created equal. Thus, I can clearly see over this last year and a half, how my progress has unfolded, and that my flatlines have consistently become further and further spread apart, while their durations have become smaller and smaller, while my dick has become bigger and bigger. :cool: This is true progress, and something I can measure lol. But all joking aside, this is why I mention these things, besides the fact that I love sex, and not looking at porn makes it a thousand times better.

Furthermore, I also mention these things to scare both myself and anyone who might be tempted to tempt fate and look at porn for one last time. I've been clean now for almost five years, with not even a month's worth of relapses during this time. Needless to say, my life has completely changed, and some might argue, that I'm almost over this nonsense once and for all. However, it seems my dick still thinks otherwise, which makes me wonder, what else is going on up there, that I'm not even aware of?

Relapses won't kill you, trust me, I'm still ticking after five years of them. That said, at least for me, they really set my progress downstairs considerably back, which, must affect everything else I would assume.

This makes me think of a very very personal story...

I use to cook breakfast in my boxers, which seemed at the time a perfectly reasonable thing to do. However, one fateful Saturday morning, the bacon was particularly greasy and as it was frizzling in the pan, a small pop landed on my innocent crotch. I instantly ran like a chicken with my arms flailing about directly to the bathroom to wash the manly area with some freezing cold bath water. After my first thoughts of being the world's first cowboy eunuch had vanished, I looked down to assess the damage. Fortunately, there was nothing frizzling on my dick, and a sigh of relief filled the bathroom air. Needless to say, to this day, I've never worn boxers to the kitchen again, not even to feed the dog. However, the point of this story is this. Porn is like hot bacon grease to our cocks. Never to be touched, and never to be trifled with. It might sound pleasing sizzling in the pan before you, but goddamn, it will destroy your crotch if contact has been made.

One might even say,

Bacon grease is not an option.
 
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swimmer97

Active Member
I use to cook breakfast in my boxers, which seemed at the time a perfectly reasonable thing to do. However, one fateful Saturday morning, the bacon was particularly greasy and as it was frizzling in the pan, a small pop landed on my innocent crotch. I instantly ran like a chicken with my arms flailing about directly to the bathroom to wash the manly area with some freezing cold bath water. After my first thoughts of being the world's first cowboy eunuch had vanished, I looked down to assess the damage. Fortunately, there was nothing frizzling on my dick, and a sigh of relief filled the bathroom air. Needless to say, to this day, I've never worn boxers to the kitchen again, not even to feed the dog. However, the point of this story is this. Porn is like hot bacon grease to our cocks. Never to be touched, and never to be trifled with. It might sound pleasing sizzling in the pan before you, but goddamn, it will destroy your crotch if contact has been made.

One might even say,

Bacon grease is not an option.
haha that made me laugh

Shows how terrible porn is. actually lets avoid both Porn and hot bacon grease on our dicks and conitnue moving to the light at the end of the tunnel.

keep killing it
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 530 (I've never seen that before!)

Day 13


Thanks for sharing that @GBS. That's a great story and something to keep in mind. Easy to forget sometimes. I love the trumpet, it's one of my favorites.

@swimmer97
Shows how terrible porn is. actually lets avoid both Porn and hot bacon grease on our dicks and conitnue moving to the light at the end of the tunnel.

keep killing it
Yes, let's keep on pushing forward!

You all have a great porn-free weekend.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Porn Is NOT Cheating, and Here is Why: Among Other Random Thoughts That Are Somewhat Related

Part One


This might be a controversial post, but what the hell, I've been thinking about these thoughts for a long time now, so I'd thought I'd get it out of my system. It goes without saying, even though I don't think porn is cheating, I for one don't deny the hurt it causes the porn addict's partner. Furthermore, I don't deny that the pain of discovery can be as bad for some partners as if someone actually did cheat on them. However, as a man who puts great value in being rational and thoughtful, I believe the words we use should be used properly and honestly when talking about important subjects such as this, and feelings - yes, even those of the hurt partner - should NOT be included in the matter. Because at the end of the day, although the truth might make one cry, a tear does not prove a universal truth.

First for all, we have to forget about porn for a moment, and get right down to some cold hard facts, that almost no one wants to talk about in this ever so egalitarian age that we find ourselves living in. To be utterly blunt, most men in the world cannot cheat in the real sense of the term. For most men, I will be conservative here and say 80% of them, even just locking down consistent sex from one female is hard enough as it stands, much less, having found that woman (either in a marriage or relationship) and then trying to find someone else to cheat on. In fact, for most men, cheating literally makes no sense because it simply is not worth the effort. And unfortunately, for the bottom 20-30%, either because of lack of looks, success in life, or charm - probably all the above - they might not even find any "success" with women for their entire lives, and their only sexual options are porn, and paying for sex, or just completely giving up in that department. Yes, nature is fucking cruel.

Thus, when a man such as this man below, says he's never cheated, and self-righteously mocks any man who has cheated. Everyone knows (even though they wouldn't want to admit it) that this man's words have no true value to them, simply because he's never had an OPTION TO CHEAT, much less, maybe never even a girlfriend. His words do not admit reality. Now I'm not mocking this man or men like this in any way, I'm only stating it how I see it. Polite society often acts as if none of this is true (especially women) but looking at their actions, we can more easily discern the truth of the matter. As they say, actions speak louder than words.

nerd_smoking.jpeg

However, if this man below says he's never cheated, then you can be assured, his words have true value to them, because, many many women want this man, and have literally thrown themselves at him. Thus, when he says he doesn't cheat, that actually means something, because he has the OPTIONS TO CHEAT, and probably every single day of the year. The first guy saying it's easy to not cheat, has no idea what he's talking about, because he's never had to say no to so many women who want to sleep with him. It's simply not a reality he can speak honestly of.
Jason-Momoa.jpg
Therefore, we can conclude that just because a man says he's never cheated on his wife before, more often than not, this has no bearing in reality, at least not for the reality of many men. Because this so called "choice" was not defined by an actual decision, but by the realities that most men find themselves in. Morality has nothing to do with it, even though that does hold some men back. However, for the majority of men, it must be said that cheating is simply not an option, and if it is, it's not something that just falls into their lap like many top men, but rather, it's something they would have to purposely work for. What is more, in the modern dating market, many men are hardly even noticed by the female sex (look at the statistics of dating apps etc.), especially if they're older men or not good-looking. Thus, it is only a fantasy for most older men to even think that a young women would want him, especially a really attractive one, which brings us to porn.

Porn Is Nothing But A Fantasy

Porn is for the 80% of men, what real life is for the top 20% of men, that is, unlimited variety of women. Most forty year old men could NEVER cheat with a hot twenty year old in real life (only the top 10%-5% could), it's just simply not in the cards. Hell, for many forty year old men, it would be hard enough to cheat with someone their own age, much less, a young beauty in her twenties, although yes it can be done. What is more, take that same average man in his twenties, and most likely, he still would not be able to get with her, because if she's that attractive, she would be dating only the top 20% of guys anyway. Thus, a fantasy all around, from the twenty year old all the way to the seventy-nine year old.

Porn is not real. Porn is a fantasy

It is a crime to charge a man who looks at porn as if he was a cheater. If us porn addicts were actually cheaters, it would be just as easy for us to bang those twenty one year old's in real life as it would be to bang ourselves while looking at them. We all know that this is simply NOT the case and does not have any semblance of reality to it. Thus, any charge to the contrary should be done away with. It would be as if average women were charged with being gold diggers for simply being obsessed with Mr. Darcy, and constantly saying no to average good guys while waiting for a man that is just as tall, dark and handsome, and RICH as he was. And if you think I'm being sarcastic, I'm not. Many modern women are living in delusions of grandeur such as this, call it Disney Princess Syndrome, and one might even say it's an addiction. Both are living in fantasyland and choose not to live in reality. Furthermore, if you don't think this other modern addiction can't hurt men as much as porn hurts mostly women, then you haven't woken up to smell the roses yet. But that is a different conversation for a different time.

Porn addicts are many things, but cheaters in general are not one of them, although it is true that porn can lead to cheating for some of us. It also goes without saying, that camgirls undoubtedly start blurring the lines a little, since you're actually talking to someone in real life (Yes, I've done that a few times sorry to say), but even then, the reality of actually meeting any of these girls is slim to none. This is all a fantasy, a fantasy that can destroy marriages no doubt, but a fantasy nonetheless. Furthermore, when you add the addiction part to it, it is an extremely complicated situation that will never be solved with black and white thinking, much less over moralizing.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
What is to be done? Part 2

Porn is such a touchy subject, because it deals with men and our biology, just as women wanting the best man they can get deals with their biology. It is in a man's biology to want variety in women, and to be successful in life and with women as well, and to be the "top dog", but the harsh reality is, most of us are rather ordinary gents, both in our looks and general deportment. Most of us are not ugly per se or utter rejects, but we're not Jason Momoa either, and it's imperative that we come to terms with this fact. Whoever we are, and whatever our station in life is at the moment, we must embrace the reality of that truth and not look for escape routes or fantasies, porn being the worst one. Although we can't change the way nature has made us, that is, in our looks and natural talents, we can change how we see ourselves, and what we must do to become the best men we can be for ourselves and our partners. This is how a man gains real respect in this world, not by how many women he's had, or how young or "hot" they were, but REAL respect, starting with respect for yourself. No one can can look up to you and respect you if you don't respect yourself first. And at the end of the day, most men just want respect, especially from their woman.

I was once at a strip club, I know, big surprise, but instead of the staring at the women and drooling like all the other men, I was there more to be in the presence of women and their wonderful femininity, and drool from the shadows! :cool: I know, maybe not much of a difference, but that's my truth and I'm sticking with it. And no, I'm not condoning going to strip clubs either, it's a total waste of money besides morally questionable, and decidedly so if you're in a relationship. Needless to say that was in my past life. However that night, eventually one girl set down beside me and we started to talk on a couch. And as all stripers do, she was trying to entice me to go have a private dance with her. I told her I wasn't there for that and just wanted to chill and chat. At first, she was annoyed by this, but then mentioned I seemed different than most men, thus, she stuck around for a while. As we talked, I pointed out all the hungry men in the room and all the funny shit they were doing, at that time I was just as fascinated by the social dynamics between men and women as I am now. She thought this was funny and we started to play a game of finding the most ridiculous scene before us. I finally asked her what she did to entice men for a private dance compared to her female competition in the room. She naturally pointed to her body and said "This!" Then I mentioned that although she was an absolute beauty there was something else that most men are looking for, even if they don't fully realize it themselves. Curious at my statement, she asked me what this could possibly be. "Respect" I said with a grin on my face. "Respect?" she said repeating my words, "Yes, respect. Any man these days can find a pair of beautiful boobs online at a click of a mouse. But Respect? Well, that's a needle and in a haystack. Most men go their entire lives never being truly respected, not by their wives, nor girlfriends and certainly NOT from society. If you can learn to look at a man, young or old, and make him think you respect and honor him just with your eyes, body language and soft feminine words, he'll be your client forever. Hot bodies are a dime a dozen, but the look of respect, well that's a diamond in the rough". I remember the girl sitting there in awe at my words, wondering if I was on crack or had completely lost my mind. Either way, I still sometimes wonder if she ever used my advice or not. Oh well, I've always had a heart for strippers, call it my "savior complex".

However, the point of this story is this. Men need respect like we need water and the air we breath, and unfortunately, we try to find it in all the wrong places: such as, the fake illusions of porn and its "variety", cheating, either on a test or with another woman or just life in general, being good at video games but sucking it up in real life etc. But these are all distractions from the real problem at hand, we don't respect ourselves, and if we don't respect ourselves, why would our partners, wives and world even give us a second thought? We would rather go to a stripper who "pretends" to respects us, then actually putting in the work, to become the man who would naturally be respected.

You don't have to have Brad Pitt looks to be respected, never forget that.

So if you're not getting respect from your wife, what can you do as a man do earn that respect? It is true that many women are broken and will never respect a man. However, it is also equally true that there are many women waiting for a man to earn her respect. Are you going to take the "easy" way, and run off to a temporary distraction, or are you going to take the hard path but the far more rewarding one?

And for you young guys out there who don't have relationships yet, don't ever give the time of day to women who don't respect you or your time, or just men in general. Believe me, life is too short and your value too great, to put up with that. Work on yourself, and value yourself first, and see what kind of woman you can get down the road when the time is right. But remember, they will never value you, if you don't value yourself first.

I know this a totally a random post that has gone all over the place, but I promise, in my head it IS related! :cool:
 
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GBS

Respected Member
@Blondie - amazing piece. I won;t just dish out superlatives, I will dive right in.

Are we cheaters? And do we understand the true meaning of respect? A couple of my takeaways from what you wrote.

I think you make a grand case for the defence on the cheating route. Love to know what your search criterion was when you found the picture of the nerd guy by his PC. The truth for me is/was that in my head I DID think I was sort of cheating but that it wouldn’t be classed as cheating so it’s ok. Early on in my therapy I did this task about “Cognitive Distortions“ - or put another way…..bullshit tricks of the mind to justify our actions. Come on….everyone watches porn, why can’t I? That sort of thing. So the new purist in me says that if I do watch porn from now on, it is certainly a “form” of cheating. I think most women would probably either say they don’t care, or that watching porn is not as bad as a physical and/or emotional affair, but it’s not in the good behaviour category. Maybe I am hair splitting here, but I think if I feel uncomfortable about secretive sex (with myself and a screen) then whilst it may not be Cheating with a capital C, I have certainly cheated myself. So I long to agree with you because it sounds like we men can’t be hauled down quite so far if you’re right, but in my head, my new head, the one that looks at what was in my nut a year ago…….if I look at porn now, I would feel like I was totally disrespecting my wife. Cheating? Hmmmmm….in my head, probably.

Respect. On this one, I am with you 100%. If men weren’t lazy fucks, they’d wake up and smell the coffee. Value yourself. I don’t need to say anymore because you said it all.

Thank you most sincerely for your essay. It didn’t ramble. It must have taken some time to write. I feel like we need to attend a conference to discuss this all, with you as guest speaker. By the way, why doesn’t Gabe organisevone?

`Thanks again, pal.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 534

Day oops !


Hey @GBS, those are some great points, thanks for writing that.
The truth for me is/was that in my head I DID think I was sort of cheating but that it wouldn’t be classed as cheating so it’s ok. Early on in my therapy I did this task about “Cognitive Distortions“ - or put another way…..bullshit tricks of the mind to justify our actions. Come on….everyone watches porn, why can’t I?
This is good point and I would agree with you in general. I would argue though that you probably felt it was "cheating" because of moral reasons (which is a good thing!) or more importantly, you thought it was cheating because you knew it was being done behind your wife's back without her consent. Which in my opinion is the biggest problem with all of this, and reading many SO comments over the last year, this seems to be a the one common factor. Yes, some of them do think looking at porn no matter what is cheating, period, but some of them do not. However, ALL of them say that all the lying and hiding it for years, was the biggest problem, thus, in the end, it feels like it's cheating, even though it technically was not. I know this was the biggest thing with my girl when I disclosed to her my camgirl sessions a year and a half ago. She had no problem with porn, hell, we had even done it together a few times, but when I did a few camgirl sessions and lied to her about it for a year, well, that was really heartbreaking for her to hear. Having secrets is the biggest problem here, no matter what your religious opinions are on the matter. All couples should really define what is cheating for them and then stick with it.
So the new purist in me says that if I do watch porn from now on, it is certainly a “form” of cheating.
I can see that, though I don't know if I would feel the same for myself personally. However, my few camgirls sessions felt categorically different, thus, eventually I had to come clean to her. To me, it was very much blurring the lines between fantasy and reality and thus, completely different than just watching some recorded videos or still pictures. Pornhub it was not.
Early on in my therapy I did this task about “Cognitive Distortions“ - or put another way…..bullshit tricks of the mind to justify our actions.
lol I know all about that. That day I did the cam session for the first time, I originally was going to go to a strip club, thus, my rationalization was, well camgirls are considerably better than strippers, because I can't "cheat" with a camgirl unlike strippers so it's okay. Wtf?

So maybe there should be a scale of cheating, where regular porn is a 1, camgirls and other nonsense like that, a 3 or 4, strippers without actually touching them or getting blowjobs, a 6 or 7, strippers without safety precautions, an 8 or 9, and yes, a 10 is a dick in a vagina and a full on affair, but hopefully NOT with a stripper. :cool:

As for myself, I wouldn't even put porn on the 1 scale of cheating, but that's just me, to each their own, and who knows, maybe I'll change my mind one day. However, with the camgirls I knew I was playing with fire, and thus, it killed my conscience in the end, and I had to confess to my Lady. I had gone well beyond what had been agreed on between us.

The point of the essay was not that we're NOT guilty, the point of the essay, is that, just as in the law, there should be degrees of guilt and punishments to fit those degrees correspondingly. And more importantly, going back to my original point, just because us men would all love to bang the nanny, doesn't mean most of us COULD bang the nanny, and that is a distinction that must be made when it comes to all of this. This is all fantasyland, which started at a very young age by our innocent sexual curiosity, that then became an addiction, that none of us or our society ever thought was possible, much less ever talked about. Thus, when it comes to dealing with this stuff after it's been disclosed, it would do SOs well to not only see it through the lens of addiction, but just as importantly, through the lens of the differences between the sexes, and our biology, and quite frankly, the reality that most of us men live in.

Porn for most men, is what cheesy romance novels are for most women; an unhealthy way to escape from their utterly average lives. Men want variety and women want the best man, but both the these natural dispositions can really fuck you up if you're not careful.

Cheating is not cool

Lying and being dishonest is not cool

And porn decidedly is not cool

However, we all need to face the reality when it comes to these matters, both the addict and the SO, for any real healing to happen.
Respect. On this one, I am with you 100%. If men weren’t lazy fucks, they’d wake up and smell the coffee. Value yourself. I don’t need to say anymore because you said it all.
Indeed, which is why I thought the subjects were related, though I forgot why at the end.
I feel like we need to attend a conference to discuss this all, with you as guest speaker.
That would be fun!

Also, I just googled "computer dork". Sad to say, he was the first thing that pops ups. Apparently Google safe search will protect you from sexual content, but it has no problem mocking unattractive men. Poor chap.

It was a toss up between him and this beautiful man.

Cumputer.jpg

God I wish I would have come up with that meme!

Best Sir!
 
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Jlied

Active Member
All of this is so good @Blondie, I especially like how you commented on romance novels, as I’ve told my wife before there is no difference between what you are reading depicting an fantasy whirlwind encounter with the perfect man who treats her as a queen and has a power position of a job and yet has all the time in the world for them than there is the fantasy world of porn. Both create unhealthy expectations and create resentments between each other because it’s impossible for us to offer our significant other the fantasy they have been lead to believe is real.

I’ve also come to really appreciate the phrase men are visual and women are emotional, that’s why men tell women what they want to hear and women alter their looks, both are facades we employ to attract the opposite sex, both cases end up with white lies from the start.

While I wish I had the mental capacity or acumen to give a well thought out response on the porn is cheating thing it’s a matter of morals and how you want to interpret them. Either way secrets, lies, fantasizing, gas lighting……it’s all utter shit behavior and as a result people get hurt in the end. I tend to lean more towards @GBS thinking in that anything I feel I can’t share with my partner because it would hurt her should be viewed upon as being deceitful and as such it is not strengthening our relationship. If you have to hide it 9 times out of 10 it’s shameful and at that point you are only hurting yourself. Physically cheating it is not, disrespecting and devaluing yourself it certainly is. Being your best self can’t include anything that takes away from who you are or are trying to become.

but seriously man, you’ve got a hell of an analytical brain on you, one I wish I could posses. Keep up the great work and great content. You and many others have done so much for this community.
 

swimmer97

Active Member
And for you young guys out there who don't have relationships yet, don't ever give the time of day to women who don't respect you or your time, or just men in general. Believe me, life is too short and your value too great, to put up with that. Work on yourself, and value yourself first, and see what kind of woman you can get down the road when the time is right. But remember, they will never value you, if you don't value yourself first.
Thank you @Blondie for this piece and for this advice. I recognize this every day. The happier and self loving I am, the more women respect me and are attracted to me. Its like a vibe that women can smell and feel. Working on ourselfs and getting better is the ONLY way to achieve this. There is no magic pill. There is only a thing that guarantees to kill this self loving/self condifence aura and we call it P. keep killing
 
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