im 35...im in the last few minutes of the game and want to give it my last shot!

Blondie

Respected Member
Fuck porn! You're killing it!

I know getting off all the time can lower your testosterone levels, which is why semen retention can increase T levels (at least at first). But I'm sure each case is different for all of us, so it's hard to say exactly with yours. I've never had mine checked before, though I do know when I don't O for a while, I become considerably more assertive etc.

Either way, not looking at porn will definitely help in some ways. Stay strong brother!
 

hamilton8

Active Member
feeling a little disarterned today.....a little flat. a little defeated. its the end of the workign day and i feel like i am a little defeated. I may need to go for a walk and refresh my mind. but im going strong.
 

hamilton8

Active Member
yesterday was day 31 no porn.....i feel like my dopamine levels in my brain are re-normalising..i feel great today despite a little bit of bad newsat work...i take this as a win
 

hamilton8

Active Member
feeling really flat today. my emotions in my mind feel very subdued and im having trouble reflecting in a positive manner. I feel on the crux of anxiety but i also feel gratitude also so i have mixed emotions
 

Chuckles

Active Member
late last night i failed. it was a moment of weakness and i fapped to PMO.....so back to day NIL
Damn dude sorry to hear that.
Hope this time is better than last, and please don't go completely off the wagon! I made it about 5 weeks without porn once, then once I slipped I said screw it, went right back to it, and wish I hadn't.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Hannibal, I'm so sorry to hear that. It happens, and the best thing one can do is to dust themselves off and learn from it. Thinking about relapsing, and how I've had my share of it in the past, I wrote this once, maybe it will help you. You got this!

I've been thinking a great deal about some comments I've read here at the forum about the shame of relapsing, and how it's almost better to not try so hard in your reboot than to feel that bitter taste of defeat. This question is pertinent to me as I once had a 530 something day streak 2 years ago and know exactly how that feels. Of course all of us here are at a different level on our journey. To some at this moment, going a week porn free might be the equivalent and accomplishment of others going a full year, and that's okay. But the question still remains, is it better to decide to do a reboot with all of your heart, body and soul, than to half ass it?

I know from my own personal experience when I relapsed two years ago after that long streak, it was absolutely devastating to me mentally for a few weeks. I can't recall ever feeling worse about myself than those terrible weeks following that infamous event. I couldn't believe I had let myself get complaisant enough to go back to the very thing I hated so much. But the truth is, from that relapse I learned a great deal about myself, and what I would need to do next time to not find myself in that situation again. But the fact remains that ever since then, I've been too scared to try that hard again, because of the fear of failure, and that is the absolute truth. Since that major relapse I had two years ago, I've had a period of 2 months clean, then 6 months clean, and ever since then, a really bad habit of every 3 to 4 months. Why do I do this? Why do we do this?

Why do we fear that bitter taste of momentary failure more than focus on the benefits of giving something, anything, our absolute best? My thoughts on this issue these last few days have been multiplying, because I'm starting to hear that nagging voice once again in my head, "Why try so hard? Don't you remember how bad you felt the last time you failed?". I hate these fucking thoughts with a passion, but I think I've had a revelation about them these last two days in thinking about it.

As a porn user, and let's face it, a porn abuser, for much of my life I've tried to run away from negative feelings and emotions. I'm a 39 year old man who still feels like a child sometimes and I often don't know what to do when I feel down, although I've improved much over the last few years. But my revelation over the last few days is this: because of my childish propensity for dodging bad emotions, these last two years I've been focusing on how bad I felt after that terrible relapse (only two weeks) instead of focusing on how good I felt that entire year and half clean! I know this must sound stupid and so simple, but for me it's not. Would an athlete do this? Would he or she be so scared of feeling the emotions of defeat if they got a silver or bronze medal that they for forfeit trying at all for the gold? Of course not, because that would be the thoughts of a loser. Why do we do this when it comes to defeating our porn use? It seems clear to me now that doing this serves no purpose but to secure our inevitable defeat.

Yes, we will make mistakes sometimes, and yes we will fail. But that's life, and not even the best of us can win a gold medal ever day, it's just simply not possible. But we must try (no not try), we must make and live each day, to the best of our abilities. That is the only way to success, success in anything for that matter. If you're not aiming for the gold medal daily, you sure as hell should never expect to even win the bronze. We all lose sometimes in life, but that doesn't mean we should accept the mindset of a loser. Thus, for now on I will give this my best shot, and even if I fail, I will then focus on those blissful porn-free days (however long they were) and aim my sights for the heavens again!

Best to all of you.
 

hamilton8

Active Member
i think that becasue i relapsed a couple of days ago my brain has reverted back to its porn mind becasue i dont feel any anxiety or unsettled brain! when i was throughout my 31 days my mind was going up and down into anxety and into calmness- but now my mind is back to porn mind like a 'thank you i have now had my fix'........but if i get to the 3 month mark then my mind will be healed
 

Chuckles

Active Member
i think that becasue i relapsed a couple of days ago my brain has reverted back to its porn mind becasue i dont feel any anxiety or unsettled brain! when i was throughout my 31 days my mind was going up and down into anxety and into calmness- but now my mind is back to porn mind like a 'thank you i have now had my fix'........but if i get to the 3 month mark then my mind will be healed
I think you still have some of your progress. Your brain hasn't gone 100% back to where it was, maybe just a big step in that direction
 

hamilton8

Active Member
feel down today and fee llike a falure. feel defeated....i feel terrible about my self and want to just veg out and eat.....i feel terrible
 

Chuckles

Active Member
TBH it sucks that you relapsed. You failed at your goal, but that doesn't make you a failure. Put it behind you. Turn it into resolve and look forward.
 

MJ1987

Member
don't be too hard on yourself. Relapsing is only a problem if it happens structurally.

Once a month is not a big deal imo, though you should of course aim to no PMO at all.
But no sense in beating yourself up if it happened in the heat of the moment.

Starting at 0 again is quite devastating to your morale, so I suggest to cut your progress in half every time you relapse.
This does 'punish' you for relapsing, but doesn't erase your entire progress, which I think also better fits your recovery.
Relapsing once does set you back a bit, but it won't erase 31 days of withdrawal and rebalancing of your brain.

Just compare it to smoking. If you smoke 1 cigarette after 31 days of quitting, you still keep the benefits of not breathing smoke for 31 days.
Yes. you will need to go through nicotine withdrawal again for a few days, but the health effects on your lungs doesn't get erased after 1 relapse.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
How you feeling? Better to be back on the wagon? Still down? I hope you're feeling better about it all
 

hamilton8

Active Member
i feel indifferent......i feel a bit down. i feel good that i got to 31 days...my highest streak...im not so much judging failure my the streak.....im more trying to focus on lifestyle changes over a prolonged period of time.......how has my life moved away from PMO...and there is a lot of progress especially if i look over the past 1 year.....i have moved away from PMO substantially and PMO is less of a foundation of mood in my life.....so i feel indifferent....
 
Top