Keep trying till I taste freedom

Hi everyone
33 y old guy trying to reboot once again after having slipped up badly.
Lost my previous account on this forum so had to create a new one.
Porn addict since 2003 (the year I first got internet connection in my home)
Struggling now for 19 years and counting
Longest steak porn-free: 61 days (last year when I had my final exams)
Prior to this in year 2013 I had achieved a streak of 30 days
After my exams I was free, and relapsed without even thinking what I was doing, sort of autopilot mode. I suspect the stress of exams having disappeared, my brain must have said " Let's party!" and the first thing my brain thought of : Porn!
Today 10th Jan 2022 is my first day of a new reboot cycle, which hopefully I will maintain forever.
Got married last month to a lovely girl, I can get it up to her touch and have orgasms with oral sex but not able to hold an erection long enough (or strong enough) to penetrate her
Not yet told her about my addiction. And I hope I don't have to. I am a typical Indian guy in an arranged marriage with a virgin, sexually inexperienced girl. I myself am sexually inexperienced, having never had a girlfriend before.
My first and only sexual experience, besides usual masturbation and sexual fantasies, is internet porn.

It was in 2013 that I realized for the first time that something is wrong with me. Constantly feeling tired, lifeless, listless, not able to concentrate on studies or work, not able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.
Then I discovered the YBOP (Your Brain On Porn) website. It was a Matrix moment for me, opening to my eyes to the reality of internet porn, addiction pathways, of the science behind addiction. In that year, I concluded that I have all the symptoms of porn addiction.

But it's not easy at all to let go. Here I am, struggling with multiple reboot-relapse cycles. Struggling with PIED now.

But I have to keep up the struggle. I have to free myself from the Matrix. And I know I will win.

Best of luck and full support to all those, who like me, wish to enjoy a life free from porn.
 
Day 2 of no PMO
Had an urge to surf Instagram, but backed off quickly.

Returning to this forum and journaling, plus reading other guys' stories, reminds me of my mission, of why I am here in the first place.

And looking forward to a better day tomorrow!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I know exactly what you're talking about, Yogi. When you said your longest streak was 61 days, I felt that. My best streak ever was only 50 days long. Only 50 days in 16 years. I knew exactly what you meant when you said that after the final exams, you let loose the porn party. I've caught my addicted brain doing this to me, trying to convince me that I deserved some fun as comfort for enduring something difficult. But it's a trap laid at our feet by our addicted brain to get its pleasure and its dopamine. Human beings have everything they need inside them to go past difficult challenges without porn rewards, comfort porn parties and stuff like that. All the addicted brain wants is the pleasure, it doesn't care about our life, it doesn't care about PIED, about feeling lifeless, unmotivated, depressed etc. It only wants the pleasure. Why should we care about this addicted brain?
 
I know exactly what you're talking about, Yogi. When you said your longest streak was 61 days, I felt that. My best streak ever was only 50 days long. Only 50 days in 16 years. I knew exactly what you meant when you said that after the final exams, you let loose the porn party. I've caught my addicted brain doing this to me, trying to convince me that I deserved some fun as comfort for enduring something difficult. But it's a trap laid at our feet by our addicted brain to get its pleasure and its dopamine. Human beings have everything they need inside them to go past difficult challenges without porn rewards, comfort porn parties and stuff like that. All the addicted brain wants is the pleasure, it doesn't care about our life, it doesn't care about PIED, about feeling lifeless, unmotivated, depressed etc. It only wants the pleasure. Why should we care about this addicted brain?
You nailed it bro! "Comfort porn party" is the correct term. Porn has become the go-to drug, the "life of the party". And that's what we have to target and eliminate: the circuitry in our brain that tells us "Enjoyment means porn, fun means Porn".
 
So 13th and 14th Jan 2022
Days 4 & 5 - no PMO

An achievement no doubt, but yet to start getting morning wood.
I'm sure it will return at it's own sweet time.
 

Honey98$

Member
12th Jan 2022
Surfed the net, watched some Insta pics and vids, but no porn
Also no urge to masturbate
So in short, day 3 of no PMO today!
Don't use social media for some time bro. Hard mode is worth giving a try. Let the neuroplasticity occur. Not only pleasure, but the pursuit of pleasure is also involved in giving our mind dopamine. Your dopamine levels are heavily depleted, it will take some time to replenish.
 
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Posting here after quite a few days.

My wife recently recovered from COVID. And we got back to having sex.

As of today 27th Jan 2022: no PMO (18 days up!)

I have already noticed vast improvements
1. Able to hold an erection for much longer
2. Merely touching my wife with sexual intention causes an erection
3. I am now getting small "mini-orgasms" before I actually ejaculate
4. Good quality morning wood on the days where I have not had sex the previous night
5. No significant urges to watch porn or raunchy stuff on social media (though weak urges do come, am easily able to overcome them)

Reboot is happening!
 
So Feb 2-8 went well
Almost slipped up on some Insta posts yesterday and today
But in the end no MO
Would still count that as success
So that's day 31!
 
Back after quite sometime.

The most wonderful thing is : I visited my wife (who is studying in another city) for Valentine's day. And guess what! I had some amazing sex!

Having never been with a woman before, and being a porn addict who's struggling to recover, I was amazed at my own capacity to CHANGE!

No more performance anxiety. No self-doubt. I gave her good oral, made her orgasm then put on a condom on my raging cock and penetrated her and came inside of her!

Giving up porn has done wonders to my sexual health and power!

And I am officially on day 40! Still getting urges (now that I am away from her). But I have to be on my guard.
 

jberg

Member
Congratulations, Yogi! You have taken all the right steps, and are connecting to your beautiful wife--I'm so happy for you. Do you call her every day? Call her every day and talk to the woman. Tell her about the things that you have done that day (even if they seem extremely mundane) and let her know how you are feeling. Don't rely on her to do all the talking--you have to speak. Doing this every day is part of the antidote to these urges. The human heart desires a connection. Forging that connection to her helps you avoid the desire for the false connection.
 
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