Keep trying till I taste freedom

So I am back here after almost a month.
Shuttling between two cities has resulted in stress
And I am away from my wife

Guess what, I relapsed. Badly.
Did PMO 3 times in past two weeks, latest being yesterday

Today 10th March 2022 is the beginning of a new reboot cycle-Day 1

But what's the one change I have noticed over the years? It's that even if I relapse, I no longer feel guilt or self-pity. I don't abuse myself or talk myself down. I just pick up and get going for a new reboot.

I remember in 2013 when I first discovered that I am addicted. Back then, my reboot periods were short (max 10 days) and if I relapsed, I would binge watch porn (sometimes 4 hours at a stretch) every day for 2-3 days till I exhausted my sexual energy.

Past two years it's much better- when I relapse, it's only on one day and when I reboot, I am easily able to go 2 weeks plus. My longest was 60+ days during my final exams, which proved that given enough determination and opportunities to avoid porn, I am easily able to overcome my urges.

I have to keep up the good fight!
 
Congratulations, Yogi! You have taken all the right steps, and are connecting to your beautiful wife--I'm so happy for you. Do you call her every day? Call her every day and talk to the woman. Tell her about the things that you have done that day (even if they seem extremely mundane) and let her know how you are feeling. Don't rely on her to do all the talking--you have to speak. Doing this every day is part of the antidote to these urges. The human heart desires a connection. Forging that connection to her helps you avoid the desire for the false connection.
Thanks for the suggestion. I do talk to her everyday.

But somehow urges to watch porn are independent of my connection with my wife.
Truth is: I have excellent relationships with women (my mother, my sister, my wife)

My porn addiction has got nothing to do with lack of connection or the desire for false connection.

I clearly remember that it was curiosity about sex and about women's bodies that lead me to porn.

Many many addiction stories have this foundation. This is the reason seemingly good people like me, who perform well in school and are praised by teachers and colleagues as "nice", "hardworking", "sincere", often are closet porn addicts.
 
Back after a month.
I messed up my recovery badly.

I fapped to porn at least 4 times in this past month, latest being today.

I try hard not to but somehow the brain just tells me to "go ahead, enjoy!"


Beginning a new reboot from tomorrow.
 
Fapped again today.

So I did something I have not done for a long time: I went back to my motivational videos I had watched during my exams last year.

I realized that I had fallen back to old habits and got stuck in a rut.

I need to change my daily routine and break the current habit loop.
 
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