I've come close to entering a community like this before, but for some reason I never did. After a lot of reflection, I think by keeping this journal, redirecting my attention here when I feel urges, and leaning on the support of what seems to be a great community, I can finally break what has felt a bit like a never-ending cycle. I'm currently 28, but I'll be turning 29 in just under a week. My addiction to porn is something I've personally and privately acknowledged and dismissed a number of times, but I've never had the courage to talk about it with anyone. For me, this addiction carries with it an enormous amount of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Even writing up this post and admitting I have a problem brings up deep feelings of shame.
--- Life story, I guess ---
I don't know how young I was when I started consuming pornographic content, but it was probably when I was around 12. I began with sexualized illustrations, cartoons, animations and games that I could find online. Gradually, I branched out to progressively raunchier and raunchier images of real women, eventually video. And over the course of a few years, by the time I was 16, I progressed to the point where I was regularly (at least a few days every week) PMOing. I have always kept it as secret as possible, but the house never had to be empty for me to do it. I would regularly find myself sneaking out of my bedroom late at night to finish off in the bathroom. I continued with this habit well through college, where I really struggled socially. I had terrible acne (which I've since medicated and dealt with), was horribly insecure, and spent nearly all of my time hiding in my room either PMOing, playing video games, or doing schoolwork. Even accidentally opening my computer to an incogneto browser tab with auto-playing (and unmuted) porn playing (until I very quickly closed it down) in a crowded lecture hall didn't make me realize how much of a problem I had.
So much of my late teens and early 20s are honestly a blur, but I believe I tried to stop multiple times. I don't believe I ever fully committed to stopping though, I gave myself slack, made excuses, said "I'm not really addicted, surely. A bit of self-pleasure is a good thing, right?" These bits of rationalizing following with me every step of the way. I didn't realize that continuing the habit just burned the compulsion deeper and deeper into my brain. I reached a point where I would frequently PMO multiple times a day, sometimes as opposed to going out and spending time with friends.
Fast forward a few more years. I'm 24 - I've graduated college, and I am working full-time. I'm still a virgin, and PMOing daily. I've had a handful of relationships in the past, but none of them have really panned out (and obvious, I've never had sex). I enter a new relationship (with the woman who is now my wife), we hit things off, and after a few months we begin to have sex. Our first attempt at sex completely fails when I can't get an erection (which I could do while clothed and we were kissing passionately - I often PMOd fully clothed). This problem persists, but she's really supportive and eventually we do have sex, and it's great! For a little while, I stop reaching for PMO regularly. Things seem great.
Fast forward a few years, and I've slipped back into PMOing occassionally when I'm home alone and bored. At this point, I've tried to set aside typical porn for things like hentai, nude gifs, and other content I can find and rationalize aren't porn (even though they served the same purpose for my addiction). Of course these lead back to porn, although maybe only about once a week. When she eventually moves in, I keep up the habit when she is not in the house. Over time, I start to PMO while she is home, doing it in secret - and then I start seeking out content while she's in the same room as me! I share very little about it with my partner, feeling to ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it. I do mention that I PMO and that I'm ashamed about it. I mention once or twice that I think I might be addicted, but don't push further to ask for help.
Final time jump. She travels abroad for a work trip for 6 months. While she's gone and I have the house to myself, I pick up a regular habit of PMOing daily (or multiple times a day). She returns from her trip and I cut back, but find it hard to avoid. Now the situation is reversed and I'm abroad and she's at home. I've realized that I've slipped back into the habit yet again of near daily PMO, and without anyone to "catch me in the act" I don't have any barriers to doing it.
My partner and I are very dedicated to each other, are married, and are going through couple's counseling for recognizing and better handling emotional cycles that are completely unrelated to masturbation. I've talked a little more about my addiction with her, but I know that it's still not enough. I also realize that a good portion of my lack of self-confidence comes from my feelings of shame and low self-worth because of the porn addiction that I have. Now, I want to put my best foot forward, and REBOOT. I am determined to return to her with some progress already made (although I recognize it's a daily struggle), and to be in a better space to talk to her more seriously about my struggles with this addiction, my worries about how it might have affected her, and my desire to kick the habit (especially with discussions of having kids on the horizon).
I realize this post was long, and maybe more detailed than it needed to be, but I don't think I've ever laid the entire history out before. With it all on the page, I realize how deep my addiction runs and how far I have to go to overcome. But it's also somewhat liberating, not feeling like I need to carry around this shameful secret for the rest of my life.
-----
Today, marks 1 Day without PMO. I've found that lately, as I've been trying to reboot - I haven't been clear enough about it. I've been comfortable with just avoiding "typical porn." I've allowed myself to do things like scroll instagram for hotties, do google searches for sexy gifs (and dig progressively for more and more sexual ones), and even watch through Snapchat e-girl stories (as stupid as that sounds), often having these things escalate to PMO. I recognize that all of these things are functionally the same when it comes to the addiction, and just because something isn't "technically porn" doesn't mean it doesn't fire up those neural pathways and pull me in. So today, when I recognized what I was doing with some google searching for near-nude models - I stopped myself. I'm counting this as the first of (hopefully) many small, small victories.
My current plan is simple:
Here's to taking back control. Thanks for reading.
--- Life story, I guess ---
I don't know how young I was when I started consuming pornographic content, but it was probably when I was around 12. I began with sexualized illustrations, cartoons, animations and games that I could find online. Gradually, I branched out to progressively raunchier and raunchier images of real women, eventually video. And over the course of a few years, by the time I was 16, I progressed to the point where I was regularly (at least a few days every week) PMOing. I have always kept it as secret as possible, but the house never had to be empty for me to do it. I would regularly find myself sneaking out of my bedroom late at night to finish off in the bathroom. I continued with this habit well through college, where I really struggled socially. I had terrible acne (which I've since medicated and dealt with), was horribly insecure, and spent nearly all of my time hiding in my room either PMOing, playing video games, or doing schoolwork. Even accidentally opening my computer to an incogneto browser tab with auto-playing (and unmuted) porn playing (until I very quickly closed it down) in a crowded lecture hall didn't make me realize how much of a problem I had.
So much of my late teens and early 20s are honestly a blur, but I believe I tried to stop multiple times. I don't believe I ever fully committed to stopping though, I gave myself slack, made excuses, said "I'm not really addicted, surely. A bit of self-pleasure is a good thing, right?" These bits of rationalizing following with me every step of the way. I didn't realize that continuing the habit just burned the compulsion deeper and deeper into my brain. I reached a point where I would frequently PMO multiple times a day, sometimes as opposed to going out and spending time with friends.
Fast forward a few more years. I'm 24 - I've graduated college, and I am working full-time. I'm still a virgin, and PMOing daily. I've had a handful of relationships in the past, but none of them have really panned out (and obvious, I've never had sex). I enter a new relationship (with the woman who is now my wife), we hit things off, and after a few months we begin to have sex. Our first attempt at sex completely fails when I can't get an erection (which I could do while clothed and we were kissing passionately - I often PMOd fully clothed). This problem persists, but she's really supportive and eventually we do have sex, and it's great! For a little while, I stop reaching for PMO regularly. Things seem great.
Fast forward a few years, and I've slipped back into PMOing occassionally when I'm home alone and bored. At this point, I've tried to set aside typical porn for things like hentai, nude gifs, and other content I can find and rationalize aren't porn (even though they served the same purpose for my addiction). Of course these lead back to porn, although maybe only about once a week. When she eventually moves in, I keep up the habit when she is not in the house. Over time, I start to PMO while she is home, doing it in secret - and then I start seeking out content while she's in the same room as me! I share very little about it with my partner, feeling to ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it. I do mention that I PMO and that I'm ashamed about it. I mention once or twice that I think I might be addicted, but don't push further to ask for help.
Final time jump. She travels abroad for a work trip for 6 months. While she's gone and I have the house to myself, I pick up a regular habit of PMOing daily (or multiple times a day). She returns from her trip and I cut back, but find it hard to avoid. Now the situation is reversed and I'm abroad and she's at home. I've realized that I've slipped back into the habit yet again of near daily PMO, and without anyone to "catch me in the act" I don't have any barriers to doing it.
My partner and I are very dedicated to each other, are married, and are going through couple's counseling for recognizing and better handling emotional cycles that are completely unrelated to masturbation. I've talked a little more about my addiction with her, but I know that it's still not enough. I also realize that a good portion of my lack of self-confidence comes from my feelings of shame and low self-worth because of the porn addiction that I have. Now, I want to put my best foot forward, and REBOOT. I am determined to return to her with some progress already made (although I recognize it's a daily struggle), and to be in a better space to talk to her more seriously about my struggles with this addiction, my worries about how it might have affected her, and my desire to kick the habit (especially with discussions of having kids on the horizon).
I realize this post was long, and maybe more detailed than it needed to be, but I don't think I've ever laid the entire history out before. With it all on the page, I realize how deep my addiction runs and how far I have to go to overcome. But it's also somewhat liberating, not feeling like I need to carry around this shameful secret for the rest of my life.
-----
Today, marks 1 Day without PMO. I've found that lately, as I've been trying to reboot - I haven't been clear enough about it. I've been comfortable with just avoiding "typical porn." I've allowed myself to do things like scroll instagram for hotties, do google searches for sexy gifs (and dig progressively for more and more sexual ones), and even watch through Snapchat e-girl stories (as stupid as that sounds), often having these things escalate to PMO. I recognize that all of these things are functionally the same when it comes to the addiction, and just because something isn't "technically porn" doesn't mean it doesn't fire up those neural pathways and pull me in. So today, when I recognized what I was doing with some google searching for near-nude models - I stopped myself. I'm counting this as the first of (hopefully) many small, small victories.
My current plan is simple:
- If at any point I feel an urge, or find myself slipping into a PMO rabbit hole - to immediately stop upon recognition, and come here to make a post.
- At least post once weekly with updates about urges, feelings, and struggles to keep the journal active and maintain focus.
Here's to taking back control. Thanks for reading.
