Taking Back Control

dopaminer

Member
15 Days:

It's hard to believe I've passed the two week mark, but here we are! I've been feeling pretty good the past few days. I've been really busy and have had minimal urges which has been a really nice relief after a few days of pretty strong urges. I did M in the shower, but without any kind of fantasizing and definitely no P - focusing just on the physical sensation. I didn't O either, and I wasn't really trying to - so I feel like it was overall a pretty healthy move!

Today I had a really long (but productive and satisfying) day at work, and could feel the urges while I was walking home. I jumped onto the forums because the urges are still pretty strong. I think my brain is trying to trick me into "rewarding" myself with some PMO, or I'm looking for a bit of PMO for comfort after some long work days. Either way, writing up this post and spending some time on the forum always helps those urges drift away.

I've got a big trip planned for the upcoming weekend, so I'm feeling pretty good about making it to 3 weeks!
 
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Deleted member 26092

Guest
Think of PMO as a drug. Sure, it may comfort you at that moment but overall it will make your precious life worse. You know it. That's why you are in this forum. The big trip sounds exciting!
 

dopaminer

Member
16 Days:

Today was the first time I have ever, in my life, MO'd without P or any kind of fantasy. I don't consider this a relapse because it was something I made a conscious decision to try, and the entire thing felt very natural and I didn't feel like I was pushing myself or racing to O. I didn't fantasize at all either (somehow my mind was totally blank), and I focused exclusively on the physical sensation. I also don't feel the typical feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and depression that typically follow PMO - I just feel relaxed. Even though I feel like this was perfectly reasonable, healthy, and a good step in my healing process I'm also hyper aware that this kind of thing can be a slippery slope back into P addiction.

Because of that, I'm going to be paying special attention to any urges that might come up - and maintain awareness of where I'm directing my energy and attention. I'm also creating a rule for myself that I need to put at least 14 days between any physical-only MO to make sure I don't pick up a habit, escalate, and start seeking out P. I'll also be on the lookout for any changes in mood that I might notice after today.

For now, I'm proud I've gone 16 days with any P whatsoever, and I'm excited for my weekend backpacking trip! I realize there's still a way to go on this journey of recover, but I'm feeling good about it.
 

dopaminer

Member
21 Days:

Hard to believe I've already made it to 3 weeks entirely PMO free, with only one time P-free MO'ing! I definitely have noticed that the more I get myself out of the house and doing things, the less I feel any kind of urges or impulse or desire to PMO. I think it's a combination of being active just generally making me feel good, and it minimizing the amount of idle time I have which is usually when I really start to crave the comfort of PMO. The backpacking trip was incredible, and utterly exhausting. I definitely enjoy pushing myself, so I may look to start a more regular workout routine - I know a lot of other folks in the forums have recommended it!

Because I've been out and about I haven't really had any urges. but I have noticed (and really dislike) that my brain still automatically jumps to objectification when seeing women. I struggle to stop myself checking them out, thinking about their bodies, and sexualizing them. And even though I've noticed this happening, I haven't really been able to get myself to stop - but I have noticed that my mind doesn't jump to fantasizing quite as quickly. Maybe that's a good sign of progress, but I really wish there was more I could do.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good. 21 days feels like a major milestone, and I'm just hoping I can stick to my simple rules and keep the streak going. I've already managed to finish reading a pretty big novel in one month, so I'm looking forward to working through more as time goes on! I've also noticed that I'm generally feeling more energetic and less anxious / depressed - so I'm loving the benefits of a porn free life that I'm already seeing. It's a nice subtle reminder that I don't need P in my life.
 
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Deleted member 26092

Guest
Regarding the objectification of women, I have the same difficulties. Especially in the gym, I often briefly glance at women. But I shouldn't. Or should I? From a purely biological point of view, it's the most normal thing in the world, and I'm currently open to a partner. I am also interested to get to know the women and later to sleep with them. Everywhere I read only that you should not. That gives me to think.
Besides, being active really helps with overcoming this addiction.
 

dopaminer

Member
Days 23 & 24 (Yesterday & Today):

I've been feeling really out of it the past couple of days. My sleep has been a little all over the place, and I've just been feeling low. Not sure if this is a part of a flatline, a downswing after a truly amazing trip last weekend, or more intense feelings of loneliness and missing my wife - or maybe a combination of all of them, but I'm feeling really unmotivated, tired, empty and the urges are pretty strong. I feel a little bit like I'm retreating into myself, finding very little that feels good, and so my brain is trying to convince me to just do a little PMO and I'll feel better. I know that's not true, and if anything PMO will make me feel worse.

It's kind of funny that I've got urges to PMO, even though I feel like my libido is practically nonexistent at the moment. It makes sense, my brain and body are craving dopamine and know a surefire way to get a hit of it is to PMO, but I also know that it won't make me feel better. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I have a ton of energy to shake things up and get out of the house - hoping I can just do a few simple things tonight like: fold my laundry, cook dinner, and maybe read a little bit.
 

dopaminer

Member
26 Days:

Been feeling down the past few days, but I think I'm coming out of that downswing. Starting to feel a bit better, and managing to maintain more focus on the things I want to do. Have been feeling urges pretty strongly, but again - my libido is really low. So it seems counter-intuitive, but I know my body just wants that hit of dopamine. Hopefully some of those urges subside and stop stealing my focus. Glad to be coming out of a bit of a rough couple of days - and happy to nearly be at 4 full weeks without any P whatsoever!
 

dopaminer

Member
Well, I broke the light rule that I made for myself. Yesterday (day 27) I MOd only 11 days after the last time I had done it - rather than the 14 in my rule. I did still manage to avoid P and fantasy entirely, and managed to MO focusing only on the physical sensation. I still think my feeling down on myself pushed me to do it, and while I don't regret it - I feel like I probably could have done without it. Still glad to be P-free, but I'm thinking it might be better to switch to "hard mode" and avoid MO as well. Hopefully I'll be coming out of this downswing soon, but even if I'm not I want to make sure I'm sticking to my goals here.
 

dopaminer

Member
30 Days:

I still have been feeling a bit down, but things seem to be looking up. Hopefully it was just a temporary funk, and not something that sticks around for much longer. I've noticed my urges to watch P have really started to increase. Even tiny triggers on the internet and on TV have started to affect me more, and I feel very tempted. I've managed to avoid succumbing to the temptation, but I'm definitely noticing it getting more difficult. Knowing that P doesn't provide me with anything, and that avoiding it is a net gain has been helping a little - but I'm hoping the urges don't continue growing.
 
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Deleted member 26092

Guest
Great job on 30 days. We slowly realize that we don't acually need P in our lifes. I am Pfree on Day 40 something and when I see something/someone attractive on tv or the internet there is a pull in me to MO, but never to PMO. Sounds like with you, your brain is trying hard to suck you into P right?
 

dopaminer

Member
34 Days:
Still PMO free, but that down-swing slump is still here. The backpacking trip was two weeks ago and was so great, but I really fell into a slump afterwards. I've been slowly feeling myself climb back out of that, but it's been rough. I've got another trip planned for next weekend which I'm really looking forward to! I just hope it doesn't trigger another 2-week period of depression/exhaustion/negativity/malaise.

@Thanatos - exactly. Even though I'm cognitively aware that I don't want it, my brain is trying to pull me back into P. I've been paying more attention to the "urges", and the weird thing is that it's not really associated with libido or feeling particularly horny. My brain's just craving that hit of dopamine, and from past experience it knows PMO is an easy way to get it. I don't really think/fantasize about P directly all that often, it's more like a subtle nudge of my body craving that dopamine rush and trying to push me to PMO.
 
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Deleted member 22651

Guest
Congrats on making it this far!! Sounds like getting out of the house is doing well for you. Something that worked for me when I was fighting urges at home, especially when I was home alone was to find something to distract me when they popped up. It used to be gaming then I switched to something more productive which was coding for me, eventually it became a regular thing to just code, now I cant go a day without it and when I do, I feel like I'm missing an important part of my life. Try something new that will get your dopamine up and replace the old habit
 

dopaminer

Member
41 Days:
I'm happy to report that I'm still PMO free after almost 6 weeks, although I did MO once since my last posting. I again focused on the physical sensation, avoided any kind of fantasizing, and felt good about it. I've noticed that the urges have started to gradually lessen up. I'm not sure if it's just continued time away from P or being better about redirecting my energy into other things (I've been doing a LOT of reading recently), but I'm really glad because it feels like an improvement. Overall, I'm feeling hopeful and can only feel my resolve growing. I'm putting this addiction behind me, it feels good to be free of P (although I know I'm still vulnerable to relapse).

Thanks for the tip, @Lord Gohan! I think I often have trouble scraping together enough energy to do something like programming - but it seems like a great habit to form! Maybe I'll try picking away at some of the side projects I've got sitting around waiting to be worked on :)
 

dopaminer

Member
45 Days:
Still completely P-free, although I did MO earlier this week - and this was the first time after MOing that I didn't feel great about it. I still focused entirely on the physical sensation, but I think I felt a little bit of the chaser effect and I didn't really like the state of mind that brought me to. I had decided it was OK to MO about once a week, but I'm thinking I need to increase that - and maybe I'll try to avoid MO for the next two weeks.

Besides that, my mood has been a little all over the place. Some days I'm feeling really good and energized, and others I feel like I just fall flat. I'm hoping my mood can level out a bit more, but I know I've still got a ways to go. Either way, feels good to almost be at 7 weeks - hard to believe I've made it this far!
 

dopaminer

Member
Well, I've had a borderline MO session that wasn't quite a relapse but could have been. I didn't look at any P or even anything remotely related to P (no screens involved at all), but I did MO this morning and it included some fantasizing about being home with my wife. My return trip plans have been firming up, and I think I'm really excited to see her - but I know I'm supposed to avoid fantasizing if/when possible. I even had the thought that I shouldn't bother posting about it, so I know I'm feeling at least a bit of shame about it. Overall, I still felt like it was mostly fine but it definitely makes me more aware that I still have some work to do. I've noticed that the longer I allow myself to sleep in and lounge around in bed in the morning, the more likely I am to gravitate towards MO. So at least one thing I can try to work on is working on ways to get myself up and out of bed as soon as I'm awake.
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
I had decided it was OK to MO about once a week, but I'm thinking I need to increase that - and maybe I'll try to avoid MO for the next two weeks.

Besides that, my mood has been a little all over the place. Some days I'm feeling really good and energized, and others I feel like I just fall flat. I'm hoping my mood can level out a bit more, but I know I've still got a ways to go. Either way, feels good to almost be at 7 weeks - hard to believe I've made it this far!
I'm in a similar situation at the moment, where I thought I was far enough into that MO every once in a while would be a good thing but for me its the ED that comes afterwards that gets me, its usually within the next few days after the MO where I struggle to get hard then an hour after attempting, all goes back to normal.

My last couple of MO were fueled by thoughts of my girlfriend, even if I had some issues afterwards, I dont think I would count that as anything near relapsing.

You're doing well bro, congrats on getting to 7 weeks, you're killing it!!
 

dopaminer

Member
54 Days PMO Free / 0 Days P free / 2 Days MO free

Well, today is the first day I got dangerously close to relapsing. I still have avoided PMO, but I have been triggered a lot recently. Yesterday I watched a movie on TV which unexpectedly had a couple of sex scenes which really tripped me up, and then this afternoon I fell into an instagram trap for about a half hour which led to googling and fantasizing. I'm still PMO free, but I did seek out and look at a lot of suggestive/hot gifs, and some nudes. I had enough self control to stop myself from continuing to MO with it, but it seems like old patterns are creeping back up and I'm pretty disappointed with what feels like a loss of progress.
 

forestwater

Member
I had enough self control to stop myself from continuing to MO with it, but it seems like old patterns are creeping back up and I'm pretty disappointed with what feels like a loss of progress.
Don't let your disappointment get you down! Keep up the good work, and remind yourself of all the important reasons why you're doing this reboot in the first place. Get yourself re-inspired. You got this!
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
Its all part of the process and journey, its very rare for someone to start this journey and be 100% clean all the way through. Slip ups will happen when we expect them the least, especially in the age of social media.
Congrats on not slipping up when you had so much temptation around you.
Don't let your disappointment get you down! Keep up the good work, and remind yourself of all the important reasons why you're doing this reboot in the first place. Get yourself re-inspired. You got this!
I approve of this message
 

dopaminer

Member
Thanks for the support gang. I've definitely been getting down on myself because of the slip up - and then another slip-up this morning with an MO (so soon after the last one), but I think I need to go back to basics a bit and remind myself why I'm doing this (because P has no value and my addiction to it has contributed to feeling disconnected, depressed, anxious, etc.) and re-iterating some of the simple steps I'm trying to take to get through everything:
  • If I start to feel urges or notice myself going down into a trap, jump into these forums right away to break the cycle and divert the energy (I think in my postings getting more spaced out I started to get lax with this)
  • Hold myself accountable by posting regular updates here
  • Carve out time for activities I find interesting and engaging (that are NOT scrolling / mindlessly watching youtube), and try to get up and get active
55 Days PMO Free / 1 Day P Free / 0 Days MO Free
 
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