I am just at the beginning. Day 1.

nodders94

Member
I've known I've had a problem for a long time. Not only was I using porn once a day at least, when it got really bad I was using 3-4-5 times a day. If my partner isn't home, it was almost an instant reaction. She would leave for work at 5:20 in the morning, and id hear the door slam, and I would use it to get my day going. If she left for 30 minutes to walk to the store I would use it. Id use it on my Data while at work, because the internet has the websites blocked. Even writing this I am thinking about it. And it completely messed up our sex life. When we do have sex, I last all of about 10 seconds. It destroys my confidence and just drives me back to using. And then yesterday happened. She was on a Zoom meeting, and I used it in the other room. THE OTHER ROOM.

So I'm here. I asked for help from my counselor and she sent me here.
I want to stop using it like an alcoholic would use beer or wine to numb their pain.
I want to stop feeling shame when I do use it.
I want my sex life to be normal again.

I don't know how long this will take. But I want it to work. I've quit smoking before, and I'm finding this harder.

Me: 27 Male, in a relationship of nearly 6 years. I have an educational background and am currently a supply teacher.

I started watching porn when i was 13. I would get up in the middle of the night, sneak onto my dad's dial-up PC and find the various things. It started innocently. Naked girls. Big boobs. stuff like that.

Now, my struggles are because of my varied interests sexually. I discovered feedee/feeder porn. Drunk porn. Gangbang, forced, casting, voyeurism, mukbang, you name it, I've watched it. and now, I feel gross afterward, every time.


Today is Day 1. My goal is to make it to Day 2. My goal is to make it to 30 days after that. I want a reset.

I will check myself. I will distract myself. I will come here and find someone to talk to about my urges. But i need help.

I do.
 
Last edited:

forestwater

Member
Recognizing that you need help is the first step to getting better! Soon you will be free of this curse, and that is something to be celebrated. Good luck!
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Welcome! Yes its good that youve set those small goals for yourself, they really help. Your goal for day two is to make it to day three, etc etc... then when you feel youve gotten some control over things extend the goal a week, 2 weeks etc.
some advice:
Keep yourself as busy as possible. Occupy your whole mind with something you enjoy, a hobby or an interest. And i mean completely absorb yourself in it so there is no space for thoughts about porn to even enter much less serve as a trigger to watch porn.
Expect to relapse. I know relapses are considered a sign of failure, in a sense yes, but they are also part of the overall process and healing. The important thing is to learn from them, identify what it was exactly that caused the relapse, then come back stronger.
Don’t force anything. This is a natural process and results cant be forced. Some guys get a little anxious and try to “test” their cocks by edging to a little porn, do not do this. It can get out of control very quickly and harm your recovery.
Embrace the flatline. You will flatline, that is a period where you will have zero libido or urge to do anything remotely sexual, essentially your cock will die. This is a good thing. Let it die for a while, it deserves to die for all the trouble its caused. After a short while, maybe a week or two, it will come back to life so dont worry.
And just stick around the forum!
 

dopaminer

Member
I see a lot of myself in your posting - especially the bits about seeking out P in moments when my partner isn't around, and occasionally even close by. We're starting out reboots at right around the same time, so hopefully we can lean on each other and I'm glad to see you're here and committed to kicking this harmful addiction. I think you're totally right, it's going to be one day at a time with gradually expanding goals. Wishing you the best, man!
 

nodders94

Member
Welcome! Yes its good that youve set those small goals for yourself, they really help. Your goal for day two is to make it to day three, etc etc... then when you feel youve gotten some control over things extend the goal a week, 2 weeks etc.
some advice:
Keep yourself as busy as possible. Occupy your whole mind with something you enjoy, a hobby or an interest. And i mean completely absorb yourself in it so there is no space for thoughts about porn to even enter much less serve as a trigger to watch porn.
Expect to relapse. I know relapses are considered a sign of failure, in a sense yes, but they are also part of the overall process and healing. The important thing is to learn from them, identify what it was exactly that caused the relapse, then come back stronger.
Don’t force anything. This is a natural process and results cant be forced. Some guys get a little anxious and try to “test” their cocks by edging to a little porn, do not do this. It can get out of control very quickly and harm your recovery.
Embrace the flatline. You will flatline, that is a period where you will have zero libido or urge to do anything remotely sexual, essentially your cock will die. This is a good thing. Let it die for a while, it deserves to die for all the trouble its caused. After a short while, maybe a week or two, it will come back to life so dont worry.
And just stick around the forum!
Thanks Fappy. In honesty, reading that a relapse will happen almost gives me hope. I know quitting smoking took me 4-5 tries. THis is the second time ive tried to give up Porn, and the first time using the forum. I am hoping the Forum is the tool I need.
 

nodders94

Member
Day 2

Today marks day two. I think it's been about 42 hours since I last watched porn. I am writing here, and now, because I just finished work, and my partner is at the grocery store. While I wait for her to come home, I needed to do something. So I am starting with this.

I will say this. I have been thinking about it all day. Like with smoking, any free second I think to myself "damn that would be nice right now." So I am keeping busy. I started building our new light fixture until the electrical became too much. So now we have friends coming over, one of which is an electrician, for dinner and they can help. I think this is a good thing. It a) gives me a task to do beforehand, in prepping our dinner. b) gives me a distraction in the meantime, and c) will hopefully leave me tired enough so that at the end of the day I am not even thinking about it.

I do have a question if anyone cares to answer. Am I allowed to have sex while rebooting? I feel like if I really needed it, that would be the way to go, rather than masturbating. My partner I'm sure would be ok with it, but I am not sure how to handle this if I feel I need a release of some kind.

EN
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Day 2

Today marks day two. I think it's been about 42 hours since I last watched porn. I am writing here, and now, because I just finished work, and my partner is at the grocery store. While I wait for her to come home, I needed to do something. So I am starting with this.

I will say this. I have been thinking about it all day. Like with smoking, any free second I think to myself "damn that would be nice right now." So I am keeping busy. I started building our new light fixture until the electrical became too much. So now we have friends coming over, one of which is an electrician, for dinner and they can help. I think this is a good thing. It a) gives me a task to do beforehand, in prepping our dinner. b) gives me a distraction in the meantime, and c) will hopefully leave me tired enough so that at the end of the day I am not even thinking about it.

I do have a question if anyone cares to answer. Am I allowed to have sex while rebooting? I feel like if I really needed it, that would be the way to go, rather than masturbating. My partner I'm sure would be ok with it, but I am not sure how to handle this if I feel I need a release of some kind.

EN
yeah sex while rebooting is fine i felt. it can actually help the process along, too, as youre rewiring your sexual responses to an actual person. but again, dont try to force it or approach it as some form of release - that could result in ED, which in and of itself is shattering to your confidence, but also sets your progress back. however if you feel its something that you can do without problems, then yeah go for it.
 

Lord Gohan

Active Member
Welcome to the forum homie!
Looks like its very common to have this habit as a guilty pleasure with lots of shame behind it. I used to look forward to my partner leaving in the mornings and thought that watching porn and masturbating was part of a good routine for me to have a great day at work. its okay to feel grossed out and ashamed about it, it just means that you want to get better and the fact that you're here is a great first step.

@Fappy basically summarized all the steps to getting through this, as someone whos been through it, relapsed and bounced back, I can confirm that it checks out.

Its good that you're aware of what you need to do to change and you can admit taht you need help, believe in yourself and take it all one day at a time and you'll be good in no time. You'll find plenty of support and advice here.

All the best with everything my dude. You've got this
 

nodders94

Member
Day 3 - The Dream

So I awoke this morning having slept terribly. I had a dream last night that I was using PMO beside my partner in bed in the middle of the night. It felt so real! But when I looked at my phone this morning, thinking I would have left some kind of evidence behind, nothing. I think that's how I know I am in withdrawal. My mind is telling me you want this, even when I am not actively thinking.

I will say I am going through a craving at the present moment. I am struggling for sure, and am needing a release. But I will hold off. I found an issue that arose from my use is PE, especially with my partner. I often just don't last. I am interested to see if, as i continue this, this problem goes away and I can actually satisfy my partner.

EN
 

Blondie

Active Member
Welcome to the beginning of the journey. All the information you need to get over this nonsense is right here at this site or the YBOP website. Progress is just one day at a time, and don't be too hard on yourself if you happen to slip, though, do your absolute best not to. I too would suggest finding a new hobby or reconnecting with one. And further, just as you did with porn (spending countless hours trying to find that perfect "whatever"), now do that with your newfound hobby. Try to understand it from every angle and perspective, with the enthusiasm you had with porn. Hope this helps.
 

nodders94

Member
Day 3 - Mid Day

my partner and I had a fight today. She's been moody since I started this, in combination with some other things. she seems Frustrated at how I didn't seem to be taking this seriously until now. We managed it. In between, I went to the bathroom and minorly slipped. I looked at naked women on google images for about 30 seconds before I realized what I was doing. My partner and I had a heart to heart and it led to sex. I would say that it was at least passionate sex. She definitely didn't get off, not that she does very much nowadays, but I PE'd again. As per my usual. It's really something I want to get a hold of.

Was this ok? Or am I starting at Day 1 again?

EN
 

Blondie

Active Member
Hey Nodder94, yeah I would say that's a slip. But never fear, tomorrow is a new day. It's hard not looking when you've used porn to support you emotionally. You got this.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
It wasn’t a relapse per se because you didn’t act on it, you managed to shut it off after 30 seconds. But! You still momentarily acted on the urge to watch it, and you were in the “seek” stage, this stage still releases quite a bit of dopamine. It’s not something to mess around with. It was a slip, but you managed to stop falling completely on your arse.
 

nodders94

Member
It wasn’t a relapse per se because you didn’t act on it, you managed to shut it off after 30 seconds. But! You still momentarily acted on the urge to watch it, and you were in the “seek” stage, this stage still releases quite a bit of dopamine. It’s not something to mess around with. It was a slip, but you managed to stop falling completely on your arse.
Thank you for confirming. I will continue the count of days, knowing I slipped and didn't fully relapse. That being said, I think it helped honestly. Yesterday, I did not have one urge. Today i am dealing with some, but that is why I am about to write my post. Thanks Fappy.
 

nodders94

Member
Day 5 - A Struggle

Today is day 5 for me. After my slip, I needed to reconsider if I was starting from day 1 or not. I've decided I am ok with the slip. I consider it like the inhaling of others' smoke when quitting smoking. I am glad it happened though because it reaffirmed my intention to follow through with this process.

Yesterday was easy for me. I was distracted most of the day. I had a workout in the morning and spent my afternoon doing homework and watching a couple of documentaries. My partner is gone for work, I thought it would have been harder, but yesterday was good. Today, not as much. My partner is once again working 11-7, and I am trying to remain focused on other tasks. I was able to stay out of the house from when I dropped her off until around 2:30, but now I am home and I have very little to do. I prepped some dinner and made lunch, but am now in the stage of wondering what to do. I thought I may go skating (it's cold where I live) but when I drove past where I would go on the way home, I noticed that there is way too many people. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but I am a teacher, and tomorrow being the first day back because of shutdowns, I do not want to risk getting covid. So now I am home. I am writing now because it gives me a distinct task, and after this, I will need to come up with another task for me to do. I do not want to go down the rabbit hole. I know I am tempted. Even when I am writing this, the thought of typing in that web address on the incognito mode is at the forefront of my brain.

How long is this initial hump? With smoking, it was 3 days for the bad cravings to go away. then it was willpower. The cravings right now are almost unbearable, and I am struggling. I will do my best to keep busy.

Wish me luck. I will update you tomorrow no matter what happens.

EN
 

Fappy

Respected Member
the first week or so is the worst. youre already five days in. give it another five and you might be feeling better. if you give in now, youll just have go through it all over again.
 

nodders94

Member
Day 6 - How did I get through yesterday?

I honestly don't know how I got through yesterday. The struggle to contain my urges was almost impossible. I was doing anything and everything to keep me from breaking. It was on my mind all day. But I did it. I somehow did it.

Today is a snow day where I live. My work was moved to virtual. So I am in front of a computer. My partner is here, currently doing a workout. I haven't had an NRB today. I'm surprised really. I am thinking about using it. I won't. I work in an hour, and I have a workout this afternoon, which hopefully will release some natural dopamine.

Today will be a good day. I hope.
 

Blondie

Active Member
You got this man, you're really killing it. The first week can be hell, but there's no heaven without hell. Grit your teeth and bear it! If you want this freedom, you can have it.
 

nodders94

Member
Day 10. That to me is insane. I think it is the longest I've gone without porn since I was a teenager. Maybe even longer. It is certainly the longest I've gone without Fapping since I was a teen. While I've had sex twice, I'm finding it more difficult as the days go by. My partner is certainly not interested in initiating which is making it frustrating on my end. And the two times we have done it, I have suffered from PE. I'm not sure. Is this all worth it? I am certainly going to stick with this. I think now that I've hit 10 days, the next goal is the two-week mark, then the 30-day mark. These are attainable, short-term goals, that I think if I am strict with myself, I can reach without issue.
 
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