Hey Reboot Nation! I am a 29 year old male, and like all of us here, I am choosing to leave porn behind me for good! To many times have I tried to quit and been unsuccessful! So I’m hoping my interactions with you all will help me cut porn out of who I have been for a majority of my life. My ultimate goal is to know a life of happiness, great health, and so many other things, but most importantly, a life without porn.
A little about myself and how my life got sucked into the realm of porn:
As stated above, I am a 29 year old male. Gay, and Christian. I am a Flight Attendant (going on 6 years). Being a flight attendant has made quitting porn difficult because you are alone most of the time, in your hotel room, sometimes with nothing to do. It is very easy to live a second life that no one’s knows about, because you’re always seeing so many people. A lot of people don’t get the chance to know you fully.
Porn entered my life at around 11 or 12 years old…around 6th grade. Accessing porn at this time was easy for me: Every morning I was the last one to leave the house for school (both of my parents worked, my older siblings and younger siblings had already left for school), so I had some time to myself to explore whatever I wanted on my parents computer, completely alone.
Before knowing what I was doing, I was exploring my sexuality. As a younger child, I had always thought of boys in my class and older men attractive. I liked them and wanted to see them naked. But I had know idea what this meant. So fast forward to 6th grade, and I started having these urges to see male celebrities or athletes that I found attractive naked, and decided to type it into a search engine to see what came up, and that’s when it happened. Porn entered my life. I remember waiting for my mother to leave for work and as soon as she was gone, I’d rush to their bedroom and find some porn. I had always typed in something related to “naked men” and found myself a plethora of sites…a never ending library of stuff to look at.
Eventually my mother caught me, and I lied to her, saying it had just popped up. She didn’t believe me, and she and my father spoke to me about what I had done- how looking at porn isn’t good, and how it can also allow for viruses to infect the computer. Little did I know that a virus was infecting my brain. I had so many sites I wanted to look at and masturbate to that being caught didn’t stop me. I was hooked.
My porn fascination continued to grow through the rest of middle school and high school, and I continued to search for naked men, but I told myself I was gay. I had crushes on guys in my classes and teachers, but convinced myself that I didn’t like them, but rationalized my attraction to them by saying I wanted to be good looking like them. I convinced myself that I liked one girl all throughout high school- I was so deep in the closet.
Fast forward to college. My porn usage was so frequent at this point because of how much was out there. I just had to view everything I could. My time spent looking at porn each time prolonged to multiple hours because I wanted to view everything I could before trying to quit the next day. Whenever I’d finally finish for the night, I’d feel guilty, pray to God for forgiveness, and then vow to never do it again. I cannot count how many times that cycle has repeated.
After college and into my adult life, I started to get hooked on webcam sites, which allowed me to be more interactive with the webcam models. I started to stay up late at night, sometimes not going to bed til 6am in the morning because that’s the only time I could engage in porn without being interrupted. My sleep took back seat to porn. Interacting with my family took a back seat to porn. My urges got so strong that I would even view porn in the living room in the presence of my family, with my laptop angled so no one could see.
At this point of my life, my spiritual life was in bad shape because of the shame and anger I felt God had towards me. I was more angry, and also depressed, thinking I’d never get my life back. I also started spending money on porn because I wanted to access all that I could, regardless if there wmillions of free ways to get something else. I was so easily triggered by anything remotely related to sex. I hated this part of me. It also started affecting my romantic relationships- I was not attracted to my partners if they did not have a muscle physique and a big penis.
So here I am, trying to get my life back. Trying to rebuild my spiritual relationship, trying to be happier. Wanting to fix me and re-wire my brain. I want to have a normal sex life with my partners. I want to be healthier, get a normal sleep pattern going. And without porn in my life, I believe all of this is achievable!
My Current Reboot Stats:
Did I use porn today? No
What were my triggers? Maybe some attractive guys on the plane, but nothing too triggering today.
What did I do to soothe my anxiety or stress? I acknowledge their attractiveness and not dwell on it in a thirsty way. That used to be something that I would flood my mind with, leading me to view porn as soon as I could.
What am I grateful for today? My boyfriend and his constant care for me. His understanding so far of my porn addiction recovery.
Day Counter: 43 days!
A little about myself and how my life got sucked into the realm of porn:
As stated above, I am a 29 year old male. Gay, and Christian. I am a Flight Attendant (going on 6 years). Being a flight attendant has made quitting porn difficult because you are alone most of the time, in your hotel room, sometimes with nothing to do. It is very easy to live a second life that no one’s knows about, because you’re always seeing so many people. A lot of people don’t get the chance to know you fully.
Porn entered my life at around 11 or 12 years old…around 6th grade. Accessing porn at this time was easy for me: Every morning I was the last one to leave the house for school (both of my parents worked, my older siblings and younger siblings had already left for school), so I had some time to myself to explore whatever I wanted on my parents computer, completely alone.
Before knowing what I was doing, I was exploring my sexuality. As a younger child, I had always thought of boys in my class and older men attractive. I liked them and wanted to see them naked. But I had know idea what this meant. So fast forward to 6th grade, and I started having these urges to see male celebrities or athletes that I found attractive naked, and decided to type it into a search engine to see what came up, and that’s when it happened. Porn entered my life. I remember waiting for my mother to leave for work and as soon as she was gone, I’d rush to their bedroom and find some porn. I had always typed in something related to “naked men” and found myself a plethora of sites…a never ending library of stuff to look at.
Eventually my mother caught me, and I lied to her, saying it had just popped up. She didn’t believe me, and she and my father spoke to me about what I had done- how looking at porn isn’t good, and how it can also allow for viruses to infect the computer. Little did I know that a virus was infecting my brain. I had so many sites I wanted to look at and masturbate to that being caught didn’t stop me. I was hooked.
My porn fascination continued to grow through the rest of middle school and high school, and I continued to search for naked men, but I told myself I was gay. I had crushes on guys in my classes and teachers, but convinced myself that I didn’t like them, but rationalized my attraction to them by saying I wanted to be good looking like them. I convinced myself that I liked one girl all throughout high school- I was so deep in the closet.
Fast forward to college. My porn usage was so frequent at this point because of how much was out there. I just had to view everything I could. My time spent looking at porn each time prolonged to multiple hours because I wanted to view everything I could before trying to quit the next day. Whenever I’d finally finish for the night, I’d feel guilty, pray to God for forgiveness, and then vow to never do it again. I cannot count how many times that cycle has repeated.
After college and into my adult life, I started to get hooked on webcam sites, which allowed me to be more interactive with the webcam models. I started to stay up late at night, sometimes not going to bed til 6am in the morning because that’s the only time I could engage in porn without being interrupted. My sleep took back seat to porn. Interacting with my family took a back seat to porn. My urges got so strong that I would even view porn in the living room in the presence of my family, with my laptop angled so no one could see.
At this point of my life, my spiritual life was in bad shape because of the shame and anger I felt God had towards me. I was more angry, and also depressed, thinking I’d never get my life back. I also started spending money on porn because I wanted to access all that I could, regardless if there wmillions of free ways to get something else. I was so easily triggered by anything remotely related to sex. I hated this part of me. It also started affecting my romantic relationships- I was not attracted to my partners if they did not have a muscle physique and a big penis.
So here I am, trying to get my life back. Trying to rebuild my spiritual relationship, trying to be happier. Wanting to fix me and re-wire my brain. I want to have a normal sex life with my partners. I want to be healthier, get a normal sleep pattern going. And without porn in my life, I believe all of this is achievable!
My Current Reboot Stats:
Did I use porn today? No
What were my triggers? Maybe some attractive guys on the plane, but nothing too triggering today.
What did I do to soothe my anxiety or stress? I acknowledge their attractiveness and not dwell on it in a thirsty way. That used to be something that I would flood my mind with, leading me to view porn as soon as I could.
What am I grateful for today? My boyfriend and his constant care for me. His understanding so far of my porn addiction recovery.
Day Counter: 43 days!
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