To be Reborn without porn!

Mrb92

Member
Hey Reboot Nation! I am a 29 year old male, and like all of us here, I am choosing to leave porn behind me for good! To many times have I tried to quit and been unsuccessful! So I’m hoping my interactions with you all will help me cut porn out of who I have been for a majority of my life. My ultimate goal is to know a life of happiness, great health, and so many other things, but most importantly, a life without porn.

A little about myself and how my life got sucked into the realm of porn:

As stated above, I am a 29 year old male. Gay, and Christian. I am a Flight Attendant (going on 6 years). Being a flight attendant has made quitting porn difficult because you are alone most of the time, in your hotel room, sometimes with nothing to do. It is very easy to live a second life that no one’s knows about, because you’re always seeing so many people. A lot of people don’t get the chance to know you fully.

Porn entered my life at around 11 or 12 years old…around 6th grade. Accessing porn at this time was easy for me: Every morning I was the last one to leave the house for school (both of my parents worked, my older siblings and younger siblings had already left for school), so I had some time to myself to explore whatever I wanted on my parents computer, completely alone.

Before knowing what I was doing, I was exploring my sexuality. As a younger child, I had always thought of boys in my class and older men attractive. I liked them and wanted to see them naked. But I had know idea what this meant. So fast forward to 6th grade, and I started having these urges to see male celebrities or athletes that I found attractive naked, and decided to type it into a search engine to see what came up, and that’s when it happened. Porn entered my life. I remember waiting for my mother to leave for work and as soon as she was gone, I’d rush to their bedroom and find some porn. I had always typed in something related to “naked men” and found myself a plethora of sites…a never ending library of stuff to look at.

Eventually my mother caught me, and I lied to her, saying it had just popped up. She didn’t believe me, and she and my father spoke to me about what I had done- how looking at porn isn’t good, and how it can also allow for viruses to infect the computer. Little did I know that a virus was infecting my brain. I had so many sites I wanted to look at and masturbate to that being caught didn’t stop me. I was hooked.

My porn fascination continued to grow through the rest of middle school and high school, and I continued to search for naked men, but I told myself I was gay. I had crushes on guys in my classes and teachers, but convinced myself that I didn’t like them, but rationalized my attraction to them by saying I wanted to be good looking like them. I convinced myself that I liked one girl all throughout high school- I was so deep in the closet.

Fast forward to college. My porn usage was so frequent at this point because of how much was out there. I just had to view everything I could. My time spent looking at porn each time prolonged to multiple hours because I wanted to view everything I could before trying to quit the next day. Whenever I’d finally finish for the night, I’d feel guilty, pray to God for forgiveness, and then vow to never do it again. I cannot count how many times that cycle has repeated.

After college and into my adult life, I started to get hooked on webcam sites, which allowed me to be more interactive with the webcam models. I started to stay up late at night, sometimes not going to bed til 6am in the morning because that’s the only time I could engage in porn without being interrupted. My sleep took back seat to porn. Interacting with my family took a back seat to porn. My urges got so strong that I would even view porn in the living room in the presence of my family, with my laptop angled so no one could see.

At this point of my life, my spiritual life was in bad shape because of the shame and anger I felt God had towards me. I was more angry, and also depressed, thinking I’d never get my life back. I also started spending money on porn because I wanted to access all that I could, regardless if there wmillions of free ways to get something else. I was so easily triggered by anything remotely related to sex. I hated this part of me. It also started affecting my romantic relationships- I was not attracted to my partners if they did not have a muscle physique and a big penis.

So here I am, trying to get my life back. Trying to rebuild my spiritual relationship, trying to be happier. Wanting to fix me and re-wire my brain. I want to have a normal sex life with my partners. I want to be healthier, get a normal sleep pattern going. And without porn in my life, I believe all of this is achievable!

My Current Reboot Stats:

Did I use porn today? No

What were my triggers? Maybe some attractive guys on the plane, but nothing too triggering today.

What did I do to soothe my anxiety or stress? I acknowledge their attractiveness and not dwell on it in a thirsty way. That used to be something that I would flood my mind with, leading me to view porn as soon as I could.

What am I grateful for today? My boyfriend and his constant care for me. His understanding so far of my porn addiction recovery.

Day Counter: 43 days!
 
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forestwater

Member
Congrats on starting your journey! It may not always be easy, but the rewards of living a life free of this addiction will make any struggle well worth it. Good luck to you!
 

Fappy

Respected Member
It’s great that youve started! You can and will get better if you stick to the reboot and let it take its course. It’s a complex process and everyone goes through it differently, but everyone who sticks with it recovers.
 

Mrb92

Member
Journal Day number 2

Title: Concern with my attraction to my partner

Hey guys! I hope you all are doing well and sticking to your goals, whatever they may be!

I’ve have a problem that I want to get advice on.

I have been dating this wonderful guy for almost 3 months now. I love who he is as a person, he and I share the same values, and are really good together. He’s kind and understanding, and patient with me concerning my porn addiction recovery. We both respect and care for each other and truly want to build each other up and grow with each other. He’s everything I could ever ask for in a partner.

However, I saw him naked for the first time last weekend, and part of me was a little turned off. I have been attracted to him every other time, but when I saw him without clothes on, I feel like I was let down.

I’ve been trying to make sense of this, because like I said, I’m attracted to him in every other way, both emotionally and physically when his clothes are on. From what I understand, this can be a result of my porn addiction. My brain was conditioned to view muscles and well endowed men as the only way someone was attractive. I’m hoping that through my reboot and re-wiring of my brain, that this shallow measure of one’s worth and attractiveness will subside. In a way, I feel like my mind is trying to hang on to the pathways that led to dopamine release and pleasure, that now because I’m not using porn to get there, it’s having to find new ways to feel pleasure. In the meantime, I’m trying to change my thought process about this issue from a negative thought into a positive one, telling myself that I’m attracted to him and all that he is both physically and emotionally. I feel like it’s starting to work, so maybe I’m doing something right.

Does anyone have any thoughts or have experienced this during their reboot with their partner? And if so, did it get better over time?

Side note: I have arranged to meet with a therapist to address this, my porn addiction, and other mental things I’ve been going through, so I’m hoping that will help me as well!

Thanks again for taking the time to read and for any advice that you give! It’s greatly appreciated!

Reboot Stats:
Did I use porn today? No
What were my triggers? My sister brought over her friend from Law school, who is married to a great looking guy. I found myself starting to wonder how he would look naked and dwelled on it for longer than I wanted to. But I stopped it in its tracks and didn’t let it persuade me to do anything.
What did I do to soothe my anxiety or stress? I played my piano
What am I grateful today? The person my boyfriend is, my family, and another day of saying no to porn!
Counter: 45 days!
 

forestwater

Member
Hi there! Sounds like you're generally doing really well. I've run into a similar issue with my partner, whom I adore and to whom I'm generally quite attracted. My take is there's nothing wrong with your relationship; you're just in need of some rewiring, and that's okay.

What I've been doing is similar to what you said: working on appreciating* my partner as a whole person instead of zeroing in on the body parts that porn tells me are important. Have you tried Karezza with your boyfriend? I've found it quite helpful to me in this, since it helps put the focus on intimacy instead of orgasm. My suggestion is to put on some romantic music in the background, dim the lights, and then sensually touch & kiss each other all over, focusing no more on the genitals than on any other part of the body. It might help you build desire in a more natural and holistic way than porn taught you.

Good luck, and congrats on getting this far! You've got this.

*Appreciating sexually, that is. I've never had a problem appreciating my partner in general.
 

Mrb92

Member
Journal Day 3

Title: Feeling better about my boyfriend and getting ready for Therapy

Hey guys! Again, hoping all are doing well and staying strong with keeping to your goals so that we can leave our porn-filled life behind us!

As my last journal entry mentioned, I’ve been struggling with being attracted to my boyfriend sexually because he didn’t fit the image of the many guys I would see on the internet. My rationalization is that this is an effect of porn, skewing my idea of what is attractive.

However, since my last journal update, I’ve been trying to re-wire and hardwire my brain when it comes to my idea of what is attractive:

Re-wiring
I’ve been actively telling myself (nonstop) that what porn has taught me, what it has conditioned me to think what is attractive is nothing but shallow, fake, not real. I’ve also been actively telling myself that I am attracted to my boyfriend because of who he is, and that in turn makes him so incredibly sexy to me in a physical way. He body is beautiful as it is because I love who he is.

Hardwire
I’ve been trying to pair these thoughts with emotions and actions that physically represent what I’m thinking as well. So if I’m thinking about all the bad that porn has taught me, I try to pair that thought with anger and I also try to make a frown or mad face. And if it’s a thought about how attracted I am to my boyfriend and his body, I give a big smile and think about how great it is to have this guy in my life that is giving me all that I could ask for in a person.

Results so far on the re-wire and hardwire:
I feel like it’s working! I’ve been at the process for a few days now of just constantly shooting down porn and building my boyfriend up and I feel like it’s working. My boyfriend and I had an intimate moment last night and I felt so happy! No negative feelings at all! I’ve started to want these intimate moments with him more for the reason of how much I’m more attracted to who he is and how he treats me, rather than wanting these moments for a way to get off. So I truly feel like this wiring process works, especially when you pair your thoughts with an action (I got that idea from Dr. Trish Leigh- a therapist that deals with sexual issues). So hopefully I’m leaving the shallow standards of porn behind me.

Today I also meet with my therapist for the first time, where I hope I can get the ball rolling on this issue and any other issue that I feel is porn related. So wish me luck!

As always, thank you for listening and taking time to read this! I always appreciate any feedback you might have! Stay strong and let’s leave porn in the dust!

Reboot Stats
Did I look at porn today? No
What were my triggers? Two attractive guys sitting across from me as I ate breakfast.
How did I get through my trigger? Did not stare at them. I acknowledged that they were good looking but did not dwell on the thought
What am I grateful for today? Starting therapy and starting the journey to heal mentally!
Day Counter: 48 days!
 

Mrb92

Member
Journal Day 4

Hey Guys, it’s been a while since I last made an entry but just wanted to update a little bit.

I’m still struggling with the whole attraction to my boyfriend thing. I don’t know if it’s because I continually obsess over it or not, but again this is a process that seems kind of insurmountable at the moment.

I’m still trying to get through this re-wiring process, painting my boyfriends body in a beautiful light, but the negative thought still remains. I’m trying to challenge the negative thought and change it, but it gets tiring and exhausting, but I guess nothing is worth anything without hard work, right? To be clear, I find my boyfriend attractive, he looks are what drew me to him in the first place. Just when I saw him without clothes on, my brain started to compare him to what I’ve been conditioned to find attractive through porn, that I’m like hyper focusing on those parts that don’t measure up.

I just gotta focus on everything that my boyfriend means to me, and everything that he is, because he is someone that I can’t find anywhere else. You can find attractive people everywhere, but I can’t find my boyfriend everywhere. And giving up is not an option!

Going on 79 days without porn!
 

brad laft

New Member
Hey Reboot Nation! I am a 29 year old male, and like all of us here, I am choosing to leave porn behind me for good! To many times have I tried to quit and been unsuccessful! So I’m hoping my interactions with you all will help me cut porn out of who I have been for a majority of my life. My ultimate goal is to know a life of happiness, great health, and so many other things, but most importantly, a life without porn.

A little about myself and how my life got sucked into the realm of porn:

As stated above, I am a 29 year old male. Gay, and Christian. I am a Flight Attendant (going on 6 years). Being a flight attendant has made quitting porn difficult because you are alone most of the time, in your hotel room, sometimes with nothing to do. It is very easy to live a second life that no one’s knows about, because you’re always seeing so many people. A lot of people don’t get the chance to know you fully.

Porn entered my life at around 11 or 12 years old…around 6th grade. Accessing porn at this time was easy for me: Every morning I was the last one to leave the house for school (both of my parents worked, my older siblings and younger siblings had already left for school), so I had some time to myself to explore whatever I wanted on my parents computer, completely alone.

Before knowing what I was doing, I was exploring my sexuality. As a younger child, I had always thought of boys in my class and older men attractive. I liked them and wanted to see them naked. But I had know idea what this meant. So fast forward to 6th grade, and I started having these urges to see male celebrities or athletes that I found attractive naked, and decided to type it into a search engine to see what came up, and that’s when it happened. Porn entered my life. I remember waiting for my mother to leave for work and as soon as she was gone, I’d rush to their bedroom and find some porn. I had always typed in something related to “naked men” and found myself a plethora of sites…a never ending library of stuff to look at.

Eventually my mother caught me, and I lied to her, saying it had just popped up. She didn’t believe me, and she and my father spoke to me about what I had done- how looking at porn isn’t good, and how it can also allow for viruses to infect the computer. Little did I know that a virus was infecting my brain. I had so many sites I wanted to look at and masturbate to that being caught didn’t stop me. I was hooked.

My porn fascination continued to grow through the rest of middle school and high school, and I continued to search for naked men, but I told myself I was gay. I had crushes on guys in my classes and teachers, but convinced myself that I didn’t like them, but rationalized my attraction to them by saying I wanted to be good looking like them. I convinced myself that I liked one girl all throughout high school- I was so deep in the closet.

Fast forward to college. My porn usage was so frequent at this point because of how much was out there. I just had to view everything I could. My time spent looking at porn each time prolonged to multiple hours because I wanted to view everything I could before trying to quit the next day. Whenever I’d finally finish for the night, I’d feel guilty, pray to God for forgiveness, and then vow to never do it again. I cannot count how many times that cycle has repeated.

After college and into my adult life, I started to get hooked on webcam sites, which allowed me to be more interactive with the webcam models. I started to stay up late at night, sometimes not going to bed til 6am in the morning because that’s the only time I could engage in porn without being interrupted. My sleep took back seat to porn. Interacting with my family took a back seat to porn. My urges got so strong that I would even view porn in the living room in the presence of my family, with my laptop angled so no one could see.

At this point of my life, my spiritual life was in bad shape because of the shame and anger I felt God had towards me. I was more angry, and also depressed, thinking I’d never get my life back. I also started spending money on porn because I wanted to access all that I could, regardless if there wmillions of free ways to get something else. I was so easily triggered by anything remotely related to sex. I hated this part of me. It also started affecting my romantic relationships- I was not attracted to my partners if they did not have a muscle physique and a big penis.

So here I am, trying to get my life back. Trying to rebuild my spiritual relationship, trying to be happier. Wanting to fix me and re-wire my brain. I want to have a normal sex life with my partners. I want to be healthier, get a normal sleep pattern going. And without porn in my life, I believe all of this is achievable!

My Current Reboot Stats:

Did I use porn today? No

What were my triggers? Maybe some attractive guys on the plane, but nothing too triggering today.

What did I do to soothe my anxiety or stress? I acknowledge their attractiveness and not dwell on it in a thirsty way. That used to be something that I would flood my mind with, leading me to view porn as soon as I could.

What am I grateful for today? My boyfriend and his constant care for me. His understanding so far of my porn addiction recovery.

Day Counter: 43 days!
i was really moved by your story today. Just when i was thumbling, so thanks . would be nice to hear more from your journey!:)
 

Mrb92

Member
Journal Day 5: A moment of weakness but I recovered quickly

So I was just on Reddit posting something to the r/gay subreddit, and as I always do, once I’m done creating my post and submitting it, I try to find it by scrolling down through the page to find it. I wasn’t finding it, but there were pictures of men (all with clothes on and not showing any genitals or nudity). But when I came across a post that had been flagged as NSFW and a blurred out picture I quickly stopped myself, went to my settings on the app and set my content on Reddit to not allow adult content. I feel like this is a win for me, but it’s scary because I felt like I was in a dangerous environment. But I also feel like this is a testament to my growth and how far I’ve come, because I feel like I’m the past I would have slipped up.

With that said, I’m going on 119 days of not viewing porn.
 
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