My Story

[Ben406]

I never thought I would end up here, but I suppose none of us thought that, I will begin.
My heavy Porn use didn’t start until I was married actually. Every now and then my wife and I would have a slump in sexual activity and in those times I would use porn. Nothing crazy mostly POV where it was most like me just having sex with a girl. Then my wife had some medical issues that kept us from having sex and in that time my usage really went up. I went from twice a month to everyday. Now I do not blame my wife at all for this change in our sex life or my porn problem, I accept that I made the choices I made and that is my fault.
The daily porn use continued for a few years then pandemic hit and I was now left at home alone to work and my wife went to work still. This left me with lots of time where I would endlessly search for the perfect videos and took me farther down the rabbit hole. This is when I started looking for more and more intense porn. Single girl POV went to threesomes then anal, JOI, to Femdom, and Sissy Crossdressing.
Once the crossdressing started I started doing research and realized this was all probably porn induced. There are other life factors like stress that I think played in, but if I had never started watching the porn I don’t think I would have ever gotten to the point of crossdressing.
At that point I started trying to quit and it was hard. I would still feel myself pulled back into porn and as a result crossdressing. I started using things like face app to make myself look more feminine in selfies I took. I would start watching porn then I would dig through my wife’s clothes and dress up in sexy lingerie and outfits take my picture photo shop those pictures to make me look like a sexy girl then PMO. As soon as I would ejaculate the shame and fear would hit my like a truck. I would instantly delete everything, meticulously return clothing and swear that was the last time a few days later it would happen again.
I’ve been in that cycle for about three months now and I’m hoping through rebooting, participation on these forms, and continuing to educate myself I can finally stop and put all this behind me for good. In the past year I’ve noticed a huge decline in my focus and I’ve been more irritated than ever. I hope to return to the person I was before all of this. After reading through others’ stories I don’t feel like I’ve had it as bad as others, however my recent incline in stranger activity has me worried of where I am heading. I want to stop before I do something worse to satisfy dopamine cravings.
I hope to get my head to a good space where sex is not the number one thing on my mind. If you have made it this far thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[zackergeet]

I never thought I would end up here, but I suppose none of us thought that, I will begin.
My heavy Porn use didn’t start until I was married actually. Every now and then my wife and I would have a slump in sexual activity and in those times I would use porn. Nothing crazy mostly POV where it was most like me just having sex with a girl. Then my wife had some medical issues that kept us from having sex and in that time my usage really went up. I went from twice a month to everyday. Now I do not blame my wife at all for this change in our sex life or my porn problem, I accept that I made the choices I made and that is my fault.
The daily porn use continued for a few years then pandemic hit and I was now left at home alone to work and my wife went to work still. This left me with lots of time where I would endlessly search for the perfect videos and took me farther down the rabbit hole. This is when I started looking for more and more intense porn. Single girl POV went to threesomes then anal, JOI, to Femdom, and Sissy Crossdressing.
Once the crossdressing started I started doing research and realized this was all probably porn induced. There are other life factors like stress that I think played in, but if I had never started watching the porn I don’t think I would have ever gotten to the point of crossdressing.
At that point I started trying to quit and it was hard. I would still feel myself pulled back into porn and as a result crossdressing. I started using things like face app to make myself look more feminine in selfies I took. I would start watching porn then I would dig through my wife’s clothes and dress up in sexy lingerie and outfits take my picture photo shop those pictures to make me look like a sexy girl then PMO. As soon as I would ejaculate the shame and fear would hit my like a truck. I would instantly delete everything, meticulously return clothing and swear that was the last time a few days later it would happen again.
I’ve been in that cycle for about three months now and I’m hoping through rebooting, participation on these forms, and continuing to educate myself I can finally stop and put all this behind me for good. In the past year I’ve noticed a huge decline in my focus and I’ve been more irritated than ever. I hope to return to the person I was before all of this. After reading through others’ stories I don’t feel like I’ve had it as bad as others, however my recent incline in stranger activity has me worried of where I am heading. I want to stop before I do something worse to satisfy dopamine cravings.
I hope to get my head to a good space where sex is not the number one thing on my mind. If you have made it this far thanks for taking the time to read this.

Welcome @Ben406 you have given the first step for getting heal, we all here are related how hard porn can hit us. Always the beginning is the hardest part when you try to cut porn (trouble to sleep, stress, blue balls, etc) the drawback symptoms are difficult but if create a plan for staying away from P(porn) or PMO (combination of Porn masturbation and orgasm at the same time) eventually you will leave it. Best wishes my friend and don’t doubt about writing or asking if you have any doubts. Nobody here is an expert about the topic and there is not a unique right formula, but we are here to support each other! Best wishes my friend.

 

[Ben406]

Welcome @Ben406 you have given the first step for getting heal, we all here are related how hard porn can hit us. Always the beginning is the hardest part when you try to cut porn (trouble to sleep, stress, blue balls, etc) the drawback symptoms are difficult but if create a plan for staying away from P(porn) or PMO (combination of Porn masturbation and orgasm at the same time) eventually you will leave it. Best wishes my friend and don’t doubt about writing or asking if you have any doubts. Nobody here is an expert about the topic and there is not a unique right formula, but we are here to support each other! Best wishes my friend.

Thanks I appreciate it

 

[cookiemonster]

Good luck mate. You can do it and you have our support.

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, I think it is awesome that are you taking self-responsibility, not blaming your wife, this is super important in my view. Acceptance and taking Ownership. Wishing you best of luck with dealing with this challenge.

EW

 

[Ben406]

Where I’m at today
I have not viewed any porn since in 4 days and so far it seems if I just don’t go there my mind stays clearer. I quit deleted my Instagram two months ago in one of my first attempts to quit and have stayed away from it. I would find that scrolling through Instagram was a big trigger. Lots of good looking girls that would lead me to looking at porn. In my failures over the past few months I have come to realize I cannot look at any sexy pictures of women. I would try non-nude stuff like you might see in sport illustrated but that always led me right back to watching porn. Honestly if I could ditch my smart phone I totally would, but that’s not really an option. Too much I have to use it for in regular life. Anyway going camping this weekend, should help me keep a clear head. Outdoor time always helps me and really clears my mind.

 

[hamilton8]

heyBen..welcome...stay the course mate...your mind will try and trick you after a streak of no porn.. dont beleive it. you are in control and you can do this. you just need to get to the first hurdles where your mind says- hang on a minute- im getting better then momentum will kick in and you will have a long streak...abstainingfrom porn is only one piece of the puzzle. you have to replace it with something where your mind is learning and growin---choose a skill you want to develop/ hobby you want to take up....and your mind will be unwiring porn habbits, and rewiring the new skill. good luck!

 

[Ben406]

It’s been just over a week since I’ve watched or looked at any porn. Me head is certainly wanting to go back to those places, I’m keeping busy and working through it. Trying to stay the course. I have not quit masturbation nor do I think that is realistic. However with no artificial stimulation my need to masturbate has reduced considerably.

 

[reboot_8716]

Totally get it man - I don’t think I realized for a while how much porn was influencing some of my sexual fantasies. But my story was similar to yours. Used porn since I was a teenager and never really thought about it, I had a good sexual relationship in college and wasn’t watching that much porn (or we’d watch it together and act it out), but once I got married to someone who doesn’t have the same libido as me our sex life predictably went down, and I filled the void with porn. I was increasingly into kinkier stuff and femdom and did try a bunch of it with my wife. I still don’t know if it’s totally porn induced or not because I genuinely enjoyed it and my wife even let me go see a dominatrix to have the full femdom experience. But I know that the more porn I watched the worse I felt about my sexual health overall and also the more trouble I had getting a decent erection when we had sex. So January 1 was the last day I looked at any porn and I refuse to go back.

right now I’m definitely experiencing a flatline, my dick is completely lifeless and I’m having really intense dreams about my past. Sometimes the urge crops up to use porn again just to feel a strong erection but I know it will set me back so I refuse to do it. Even if it takes months or years I want my self back and to have real, good sex with my wife.

 

[Ben406]

Totally get it man - I don’t think I realized for a while how much porn was influencing some of my sexual fantasies. But my story was similar to yours. Used porn since I was a teenager and never really thought about it, I had a good sexual relationship in college and wasn’t watching that much porn (or we’d watch it together and act it out), but once I got married to someone who doesn’t have the same libido as me our sex life predictably went down, and I filled the void with porn. I was increasingly into kinkier stuff and femdom and did try a bunch of it with my wife. I still don’t know if it’s totally porn induced or not because I genuinely enjoyed it and my wife even let me go see a dominatrix to have the full femdom experience. But I know that the more porn I watched the worse I felt about my sexual health overall and also the more trouble I had getting a decent erection when we had sex. So January 1 was the last day I looked at any porn and I refuse to go back.

right now I’m definitely experiencing a flatline, my dick is completely lifeless and I’m having really intense dreams about my past. Sometimes the urge crops up to use porn again just to feel a strong erection but I know it will set me back so I refuse to do it. Even if it takes months or years I want my self back and to have real, good sex with my wife.

It’s strange how much I can love my wife and not want to give her up despite my unhappiness with our sex life at times. I’m sure you feel it too. It’s like I want more sex and she can’t do that, however I can’t imagine life without her. It just goes to show what is really important in life. There are times I feel like I’m about to pound my head against the wall I’m so frustrated with my sex life, and yet I could never move on from my wife because of that I love her so much.

 

[Ben406]

I almost made it to two weeks without porn and regressed yesterday. It’s easy to be down on myself and I think shame is not the worst thing to motivate myself, but certainly cannot be the only thing. However, I’m going to look at it as I went 13 days without and that’s not nothing. Now the goal is to go longer if not forever hopefully. I know failure will happen and one must use baby steps. I’ve been in that cycle for awhile now. I am trying to reflect back on things to learn about myself so I can hopefully move on from this cycle.

 

[Ben406]

I gave up and fell back into old habits, I had abandoned this thread and was about to delete. However I am back after going back down the rabbit hole father than I ever wanted too I will use this post as a marker to keep myself in check I know there is more to life than sex and I need to keep telling myself that in order to overcome this.

 

[midlife-survivor]

I gave up and fell back into old habits, I had abandoned this thread and was about to delete. However I am back after going back down the rabbit hole father than I ever wanted too I will use this post as a marker to keep myself in check I know there is more to life than sex and I need to keep telling myself that in order to overcome this.

How are you getting on buddy? I'm conscious no one has replied to this one in quite a while.

Keep strong brother!

 

[Ben406]

How are you getting on buddy? I'm conscious no one has replied to this one in quite a while.

Keep strong brother!

Hey thanks for asking I’m not good things have gotten worse. I’m going to post a new thread about my struggles. I had kinda forgotten about this site took me forever to find it again I’m going to keep up with this and be the person I want to be and know I am.